This image is of a mural in San Francisco. It seems fitting.Mark has agreed that I can write about what's going on, although keeping in mind others' privacy. Mark knows how important this blog is to me, how therapeutic it is, so does not want me to feel stifled. That said, I will try to avoid too much detail.
Last Friday Michael was involuntarily admitted to a detox/mental health hospital and discharged yesterday. The staff urged us to give him an ultimatum: either go to rehab (which is voluntary) or find your own place to live/means of support. He did not chose rehab, so we told him that he'd have to leave by tomorrow. He had another crisis last night and Mark finally drove him to the ER at 5am, and he was admitted again.
We are going through hell. This is so painful, so stressful, and wrought with second-guessing about decisions we made last week, or many years ago. This is much worse than cancer. Cancer is relatively straightforward: you find the best doctors available, get a second opinion if necessary, then follow the treatment recommendations. And pray a lot. Mental health is so much more complicated. So much more doubt, blame, self-recrimination, anger, fear. A whole host of strong emotions. We are both being pushed to our limits.
As I practiced meditation today, tears rolled down my face. Unstoppable. Pouring out. I have been sending metta to Michael for some weeks now, and my mind is filled with heart-wrenching images of him -- in the ER last week going through withdrawal, the multiple visits to the hospital last weekend, the discharge meeting yesterday. And now, admitted to another facility. This is the most intense experience of my life -- and that's saying a lot.
I just pray that we can remain united, clear-sighted, compassionate -- and have a good staff of professionals to guide us. We're in for a long haul.
2 comments:
Jane here in Denver , Lola. I feel deeply for you, and Mark, and will add my own spiritual work to yours in the cause of a healing on all levels, for all concerned, in this
situation. I have at several points in my life been involved with people in mental crisis, both professionally and otherwise, and I fully understand how you can say that it is even more wringing and exhausting--more stressful--than cancer. Even more lonely, too, for various reasons, for all concerned. Hang in there.
Lola - I have lighted a candle for Michael and his family. I am a recovering person myself and have had a brother who attempted suicide several times, whose drug of choice was cocaine. He died at age 54 with his 9th heart attack.
Dual dx (mental health/drug addiction) is indeed heart wrenching and complicated. Do you and Mark know and understand about doing an "intervention"? This is conducted under the guidance of a professional who works with the family. The admission is worked up in advance and the patient is then given an alternative. Go into rehab (and the transportation and all admission details are already taken care of) or you are on your own. To me it is a loving alternative, as someone who is so under the influence may not be capable of a clear thought process and getting himself into rehab.
I'm certain there are excellent resources in your Boston area. Love, Jeanzofia E.
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