"Jane Eyre"

When I met my sister this morning for a walk, I described my plan for the day. She said, "how indulgent!". She meant that in a good way. I slept in and had coffee in bed. Sasha came in several times to try to get me up, but even she couldn't do it. Meditation and yoga practice, then I went for a long walk with my sister in a park that unofficially allows dogs off-leash. Then I met Lucy and Anne and her sister for lunch, followed by a matinee to see "Jane Eyre". Lucy and I had planned this outing last Thursday which was her actual birthday, but were both sick so had to postpone. We all loved the film. I highly recommend it. Now I want to read the book. Excellent cinematography. Beautiful landscapes, costumes. Intense emotionally. Everything to like!

I biked home from lunch/film, then went to my sister's house to see the Angels. We played for a long time in the yard with Sasha. They call her their "canine cousin". And tonight Mark is taking me to dinner. Wherever I want to go.

So, yes, I have an indulgent life. I'm reading the book "Happier". One of the things he talks about is gratitude. Gratitude is one of my main practices. He also says that happiness = pleasure + meaning. My sister says the book is pretty dumbed-down which is also my impression, but it is good! May we all be happier!

Puppy Class #10

Tonight was puppy class #10. We have 2 more to go. I asked another student if she would take pictures tonight. It sounds kind of silly, but going to these classes has been really fantastic as well as helpful, although I don't think we'll sign up for more. She is pretty well behaved at this point. One of the trainers said that Sasha is too fat! And she'll likely put on even more weight after she gets spade in a few weeks. So we'll have to restrict her portions even more. Poor puppy!

I was able to work my 3 days this week without too much trouble. I biked again today and felt good, so I declare myself officially healthy again.

Back on the Bike

Mark took this photo of Sasha and I the other night. We were lying on the floor so it's a weird angle. He recently traded in his Blackberry for an I-Phone which takes pretty decent pictures. He said it was a "girlfriend" feature where you can take a photograph but also photograph yourself so your recipient knows where you took the photo. What a crazy world we live in!

I was back on my bike again today which felt great. It was in the 40's which still required an extra pair of wind pants and a hat under the helmet, but there was definitely a feeling of spring. I seem to have recovered from the bronchitis. Still a little low energy, but basically totally fine.

"Exit Through the Gift Shop"

A few months ago Mark bought one of those ridiculous 55" flat screen TVs. At least I thought so until last night. I was feeling low energy, and he asked if I wanted to see something on Netflix. A few people have told both of us about the film "Exit Through the Gift Shop" so we watched the first hour or so last night. I am not a big fan of watching TV or even film at home, but I have to say that it was nice! Comfy and I didn't have to find my glasses -- the screen is so enormous that I can watch it even when quite near-sighted!

I worked today, the first full day in a week. It was fine, although it felt like a long day. I drove so that saved on some energy. These next few days I have totally cleared my schedule of anything "extra", ie fun, but that's what it's going to take to get back to full steam.

Tonight I took Sasha for a walk, about 50 minutes. Enough! She is getting kind of chubby in spite of a lot of exercise and cutting back on her rations. Her dog walker Jen said that she was out with a new male today. I look forward to her notes whenever she is here. Today she wrote, "Sasha got to say hello to and 'dance' with a handsome golden on our walk -- such a flirt!" Her notes crack me up.

Recovering

I lost the internet yesterday but mysteriously reconnected this morning. Mark bought a different devise that is supposed to be idiot-proof but I still have trouble with it sometimes.

It has been very good, being here on the hill. Lonely at times, but good. By nature I am social so being alone for extended period of time is a challenge. Lucy and Rick are at their place a few towns to the west, so she and I met for lunch yesterday. This flu has swept their house as well. She is still recovering and her husband Rick is in the midst of it. We met briefly, just to eat, then we both retreated again, back home. Last night Karma and Jeff invited me for dinner at their place which is a few towns to the east. I gratefully accepted as another night by myself would have been too much. Karma is sick with the same thing.

Here are some images that Lynn took in the studio on Friday. I am so eager to get back to the studio! I have missed 2 Fridays in a row due to this illness. Enough!

I feel much better and have stopped taking the inhalers. I will drive back to the city today and intend to go back to work tomorrow. Karen and Sayword have invited me to brunch and then for a short hike. A part of me wants to stay here. I love the space, the quiet. The immediate access to the outdoors. My soul feels happy here.

Resting

Lynn sent me this image. These are the collages that she and Adrienne did in the studio today. Here is the new direction of Team Tolstoy's War and Peace Project! How I wish I'd been there! I was really on the fence about driving back to the city this morning. But am glad that I stayed put.

A lot of people seem to have this virus. And it lays you low! The inhalers work wonders, yet I am still tired. I have never been so inactive in my life! I practiced walking meditation on snow shoes -- you could hardly call it exercise, I go so slow. But I did a small loop around the yard when I finished that. That felt good, but I was a little fatigued by even that much exercise. Mostly it's been reading by the fire, a little time in the studio, some light yoga.

I met up with Marian in the afternoon and she took he to a new walking place by the river where dogs are allowed off-leash. It was relatively warm so we spent some of that time sitting in the weak sun on the river bank. It was lovely. Sasha isn't much of a swimmer but had fun digging in the sand.

And now I'm very happy to be home! Tonight's plan: more reading by the fire! I have gotten quite good at keeping the fire going. It's been going continually since Wedesday. I wake up in the middle of the night and stoke it. It is lovely and comforting. A few more days like this and I should be good to go!

Yasyana Polyana

I left my camera battery back in the city -- I feel lost! I made an excursion off the hill, hoping to buy one in town, but alas, no luck.

Today's image is from the Wikipedia entry on Yasyana Polyana, Leo Tolstoy's museum and former estate which is a few hours south of Moscow. Last week I had emailed them to see if they might be interested in showing The War and Peace Project. It seemed like a long shot so I never even expected to hear back from them. This morning, to my surprise and delight, I got an email from one of the directors, saying that they are interested in the project and might be interested in giving us a show. Wow -- how cool is that? There is no firm commitment but it looks promising. We are all giddy at the prospect.

The inhalers work wonders, but I'm not sure I'm getting any better. My chest continues to feel tight and my energy is pretty low. Mark suggested that I stay here through the weekend. And I will do just that. My sister also threatened to kick my butt if I don't stay put. And she's likely to do it, too. So other than the outing today, I am sitting in front of the fire, reading War and Peace and totally enjoying myself.

In the past this would have been unbearable, to be by myself so much. So it's either 1) Sasha is excellent company 2) I am really sick or 3) spiritual practice is teaching me to be a good friend to myself. Sasha is truly a great friend. There is a (fixed) boy black lab up the hill who she spent the morning with. I can't remember his name. She is having a blast. I just leave her outside all day. She either runs around, plays with her friend or sits in the sun.

A Flight of Pigeons

Mark suggested this morning that I drive out West and I thought -- brilliant! I got here around noon. I built a roaring fire and have been resting. Really. Promise.

My friend Chitra in Bangalore sent a book with Mark for me called "A Flight of Pigeons" by Ruskin Bond. We pass used books back and forth. I asked her to send something relatively obscure. This was written by a white man who grew up in India. He was born in the 1930's. The plot is based on a true story about an uprising in 1857 and how a young white girl's father was murdered, and the rest of her family held in captivity for a year by Indian rebels. It is a short story, just 130 pages. But it was quite interesting. A perfect book for my current situation.

The inhalers are fantastic. No side effects, and my lungs are completely free. What a relief.

My sister send this. Thich Nhat Hahn always knows just what to say, even in the most difficult circumstances.

"Dear friends in Japan,

As we contemplate the great number of people who have died in this tragedy, we may feel very strongly that we ourselves, in some part or manner, also have died.

The pain of one part of humankind is the pain of the whole of humankind. And the human species and the planet Earth are one body. What happens to one part of the body happens to the whole body.

An event such as this reminds us of the impermanent nature of our lives. It helps us remember that what's most important is to love each other, to be there for each other, and to treasure each moment we have that we are alive. This is the best that we can do for those who have died: we can live in such a way that they continue, beautifully, in us.

Here in France and at our practice centers all over the world, our brothers and sisters will continue to chant for you, sending you the energy of peace, healing and protection. Our prayers are with you.

Thich Nhat Hanh"

On To the Harder Stuff

I attempted to go to work today but only made it til noon. I weighed myself and I have lost 5 pounds since Wednesday. That freaked me out. I am already on the very low end of "normal". As I was doing yoga this morning I thought that Sasha was breathing funny with wheezing sounds. Turns out, it was me! So I called my PCP and she could squeeze me in a 3pm. I don't have pneumonia (had chest x-ray) so am being treated for acute viral bronchitis. That means two different inhalers, Proair and Flovent. I have never taken inhalers before. I will wait for Mark to get home as I'm a little concerned about side effects as one of them has steroids.

I will stay home again tomorrow. Unless I feel fantastic and absolutely must go to work.

Sasha, by the way, is doing great! She is tolerating her medication just fine and is feeling much better, thank you very much!

Fresh Lemon and Honey

Fresh Lemon and Honey -- that about sums up my day. I am feeling so much better. Just what the doctor ordered -- to spend the day on the couch! I slept a lot. My sister stopped by this morning. My house has a whole other life when I'm not here -- she often parks here and walks to her job so she can get in some regular exercise. Today she offered to take Sasha with her. It was a huge help, to know that Sasha got 30 minutes exercise each way. The in the late afternoon she stopped by with the 2 younger angels. We had a nice visit. My sister tells me that I'm fun even when sick. That's a stretch, of course, but I certainly enjoyed them!

I anticipate that I'll be able to go to work tomorrow -- but not on the bike. That may have to wait til Wednesday.

setback

Whatever started on Thursday has kicked back in with a vengaence. I was OK last night, spending a few hours chatting with Karen as we watched that amazing moon come. This morning was another story. Karen came over and we took a 40 minute snow shoe behind my woods for what will surely be the last of the season. I went in the house and fell into a delirium the rest of the day. I feel absolutely awful. Achy everywhere, feverish on and off, tired beyond belief and coughing. So I will definitely call in sick tomorrow. I really wanted to stay out West, even in this condition. The only reason I didn't is that the truck's batter was dead and I didn't bring along my computer. Otherwise I would have stayed with Sasha until further notice. If this doesn't clear in a few days I will go get checked out.

I keep thinking negative things -- is this cancer? in my bones? in my liver (causing exhaustion?). in my lungs? It's most likely just a flu but those thoughts run through my head.

Mark Was Right

Well, Mark was right. Sasha has had 3 doses of antibiotics and is a new dog. She hasn't had any trouble with coughing/hacking since yesterday evening. Those work fast! So now I am kicking myself for not taking her in sooner. Oh well. Live and learn. She will be on this medication for 2 weeks.

Sasha and I went snow shoeing this morning even though the conditions are pretty poor. This photo is from a southern slope. The loop that we usually do had pretty good coverage except for 3 swift-moving streams that I was able to ford with no trouble. Although I did fall hard twice today. I rarely, ever, fall. The snow is melting from the surface as well as underneath in places, so footing is very unstable. But I made it home in one piece. I always have the cell phone which has good coverage so if something bad actually happened, Mark would come find me. That's reassuring.

My friend Marian Kelner gave a reading from her new book today at the library. I went to listen to her. She was wonderful! Very engaging with the crowd.

Other than that, we've been up here on the hill. Mark's jet lag is catching up with him so he's been snoozing a lot. I spent a lot of time in the studio, messing around with encaustic. I love this medium! I will ask Mark to photograph some of the new work. Next Saturday I'll spend with my friend Carol Odell in Chatham. She is one of my artist mentors and has been working in encaustic for some years now. She will give me a 1-on-1 tutorial which I am very excited about.

I pruned the apple trees. Other than that we're enjoying the fire.

I'm feeling mostly better but not totally. The body aches are gone -- that was a real bummer. Just a bit of a cough. Energy is pretty much back to normal but not quite. So it's good to be here. Relatively quiet in our snug little spot on the hill.

61.5 pounds

Here is Sasha, "helping" as usual. I took this photo of her in the yard this afternoon. Lots of stuff is coming up but we're in the very, very early stage of spring. I pruned a few bushes and poked around a little bit. That's about it for today's activities. I am still feeling pretty bad -- tired, weak, sore. But definitely better than yesterday. I felt so low energy that even going to the studio with Team Tolstoy was too much. Can you believe it? It kills me not to be there with them, enjoying each other and making art together.

On Mark's insistence I brought her to the vet this morning. I tend to be of the "it will get better on it's own" school of care -- for myself and for the dog as well. She has been hacking for a few weeks and kept Mark up all night. I didn't even notice. So the vet gave an antibiotic that she is to take twice daily for a week and if she gets better, for a second week. If she does not get better, I will take her back in a week and they will start testing for something more serious. She has gained more weight. She is chubby! The dog park is closed all month and she's not getting enough exercise. I can only do so much with walking her on leash.

Mark and I are driving out West tonight. I hope to spend lots of time in the studio working in encaustic.

Cold/flu

Here is an image that I downloaded. A nod to St. Patrick's Day. I am feeling too exhausted to take my own photos today! Yesterday I had a small annoying cough, then last night at puppy training class I found myself leaning against the wall as I felt so tired. We walked straight home and I got into bed. Then the fever started. And aches. I have never experienced aches like this before. Even my eye balls hurt. I have been sleeping all day other than to take Sasha out for "potty". I also went to a long-overdue eye exam.

The optician told me that Tamoxifen can cause macular degeneration and/or loss of ability to distinguish the color red. I haven't been to an eye doctor in over 4 years. Everything is fine but she said I should be evaluated every 6 months. Wow! I had no idea. Whenever I see The Vixen she looks at my eyes but I had no idea that those problems can develop.

Mark is going strong, working all day.

While I anticipate spending the rest of the night resting on the couch -- which is an improvement over the bed! Geez!

Pao de Lo

Another adventure at lunch with Lucy. It was rainy and cold so we decided to run an errand at Home Depot. I suggested that we take a photo -- just because. Lucy handed a salesman her phone, we asked the man standing between us if he wanted to be in it. Lucy "explained" that we wanted a photograph because I was from another country and had never been to a Home Depot. That totally cracked me up. We always amuse ourselves with such silliness.

Today was a gratifying one at work. Yesterday I met with an old Portuguese woman to help with her insurance. She was quite worked-up, I was in the middle of seeing other people and rushing, so it was a tense meeting. I felt badly about our interaction but was able to help her after all. This morning a nurse came to knock on my door to say that another patient wanted to see me -- with no appointment. No! Here we go again! Turns out it was the patient from yesterday, bearing a beautiful Portuguese cake called pao do lo. She came in, hugged me and told me how helpful I had been. She then went on to say that once she dies, she will hang around to help me take care of other patients as well as I take care of her. Wow. That blew me away. I guess that what I do matters to others, huh?

My last patient today was another old Portuguese woman. She had another kind of issue that was quite easy to resolve -- for me. For her, it was daunting. When we were done, she hugged and kissed me not once, but twice, asking God to bless me. It was a wonderful day!

Mark is home from India, a little worse for the wear. He arrived in late afternoon. He had perfect flights both ways, but even so it is a really hard trip. He did some serious shopping -- he brought home 18 malas! I love them so. Sandalwood, glass, seeds, beads, all kinds. He also brought many, many beautiful scarves. Soap. Sacred thread for the trees out West. A real treasure trove.

Tonight was our 9th dog training class. Our beloved Lance was out with the flu but the woman teaching was quite excellent, although not as entertaining as he is. I learned a lot. Sasha is getting quite good at staying in a "sit" or "down" for long periods of time, even with intentional distraction on part of the trainers. I could sign her up for "agility" training if I want to but I think that for now she is good enough.

And I'm done with the work week! How great is that?

"Happier"

Here is the book that Toisha told me about yesterday. The author is Tal Ben-Shahar who lectures about positive psychology at Harvard. She sent me a few pages and I was interested to read more. My sister teaches a course in positive psychology at Boston University. I asked if I can borrow her copy but she doesn't have it. She does not particularly like this writer and finds him rather smug. So I ordered it from the library. The exercise is to note down for 1-2 weeks all of your activities and rank them on a scale of 1-5. At the end of the period you can get a sense of which activities you'd like more of and which you'd like less of.

My sister tells me that she frequently uses me as a model in her class for how to live a full, happy life. Apparently she tells them about my diagnosis in detail. I don't mind, I would never see them in a social situation. It's funny that she does that because I struggle along like everyone else. She tells me that I have a PhD in having fun. I suppose that's true to a certain extent. "Back in the day" my sense of fun was more decadent, a little wild.

Mark returns from India tomorrow.
Which got me thinking about what I value/enjoy.

Milan

You can barely make out Sasha against the stone wall. I took this photo yesterday while we were snow shoeing. Recently I contacted the breeder as so many people ask: "is she English or American lab?". Here's what the breeder has to say, "Sasha is straight English Labrador (vs the American Field Lab that does not adhere to the standard of perfection, and is only bred for its nose. The English is bred for conformation values, disposition AND nose. Milan is Sasha's sister; she is her Mom's height already, and now will grow in width to fill out." I found that very funny -- "the standard of perfection". And that about sums it up!

I had a sense of dread as I pedaled to work today. I arrived to find yet another "crisis" note taped to my computer, another patient in yet another jam. I thought -- I've seen this same situation repeated so many times! Yet here we go again. That feeling of Sisyphus, pushing the stone up the mountain only to have it come crashing down again. Then I feel guilty for thinking this way. I don't want to make an impulsive decision so am sitting with this question. The question is: how best to use my time, skills, and energy? A part of me still very much wants to be a "helping" person in the world. I find this work so draining. How can that be? I only work 3 days a week now. Is it really the right thing to resign?

I had lunch with a friend, Toisha. She was telling me about a book she's reading about positive psychology. There is an exercise where you note down what you do for a whole week and rate each activity by how pleasurable or meaningful it is. She said she'll send it to me. So much of what I do has a very high pleasure and/or meaningfulness. So I am so lucky and blessed in that way. The job, though... sometimes it is very gratifying, to really connect with others, to help guide and support. To speak Portuguese, to work cross-culturally. That's wonderful. And yet... Mark says he is open to this idea. I told him that I'll become his personal barista and make him a perfect cup of coffee every day in exchange for not working anymore! He thought that was a fair deal -- and very funny.

It's Melting!

That's the news from here... it's melting. Mark's son Michael came up the hill to take a walk in the woods with us this morning. There is still about 18 inches in the woods but on the south-facing slopes it is pretty much gone. We have a tin roof over the back porch and I love the sound it makes as the melted snow bounces off it.

It has been so lovely here that I am seriously considering making a huge shift -- by leaving my job and moving out here with this as home base. Mark and I have been "discussing" this over text and 10.5 hour time difference. We'll talk more when he gets home Wednesday. This feels like home now. I would love to have the summer off, to spend on the Cape with my aunt and the Angels. As well as here out West. It would be a huge change and would impact many aspects of our lives. The summer is a no-brainer; the question is what to do when winter comes on again.

I have a lot of options and am kicking some ideas around. Maybe? June 1?

I'm working in the studio with encaustic wax. And watching youtube -- I never, ever do that -- to learn more about it. Last night I went to dinner with Gayle and Dean, then we all went to Karen's Irish dance concert. There were over 70 dancers in the program as well as live musicians/singer for a few numbers. The youngest were 5 years old. A wonderful community of like-minded people.

Sasha loves walking in the woods!

Oyster Sky

I took this photo last evening. The sky was so beautiful. I described the color as "oyster" to a guest a few weeks ago who is from New Mexico. She thought that was a funny way to describe a color -- only a person from the East Coast would say that. But it is an oyster sky, indeed. Sasha and I were out to snow shoe. We really are at the end of the season. The brook behind the house is in full current so we couldn't cross. I threw her favorite ball in and initially she didn't want to go in to fetch it. So I carefully maneuvered my way down and showed her where it was. I thought that ball was gone! But she got it and was very proud of herself. I think she recognizes a few essential words now -- ball, breakfast, dinner, necklace (her collar), Jeep, woods, dog park.

I had a very interesting meditation experience yesterday. I was walking, very slowly, along the driveway, practicing metta. It was raining. As if suspended in time, I noticed how a few drops of rain struck the ice and stone and the thought occurred -- where do those drops of rain come from? And I realized in a flash that everything is connected -- those drops of rain are part of me, my breath, my body, part of everything and everybody, part of the universe. I felt connected to ancient history, I felt connected to every living being. Those drops -- in one form or another -- have been cycling through everything and everybody since time eternal. It was an amazing moment. But then it passed because I began to think about it rather than experience it. Narayan says that enlightenment is like that -- more and more of those moments strung together. I have had only tiny glimpses. A lot of people do, especially when observing nature deeply. It was truly beautiful and powerful.

Speciocracy

"Speciocracy: Where All Beings Have A Voice.

Speciocracy is a radio show on WMCB, the community radio station broadcasting at 107.9 FM out of Greenfield, MA. This show provides a forum for the concerns of community members and of those who are never heard: the animals who share this planet with us. Animal concerns are interwoven with human concerns to the benefit of all."

Today, something new and different. I have a new friend, Marian Kelner, who hosts a weekly radio show. She invited me to be her guest today. She interviewed me on a whole range of topics, starting off with what it was like to grow up in rural Iowa. We covered a lot of ground, eventually getting to The War and Peace Project and ending with a brief discussion of spirituality. It was really fun! She gave me a cd of the show. I may put it on this blog if I can figure out how to. It will be aired again at 1am and a few other times as well. I am trying to calculate what time that is in Bangalore, India so Mark can listen.

The sky is beautiful today. The maple sap is running and everywhere I go, I see buckets in the trees to harvest it. It takes 50 gallons of sap to make 1 gallon of syrup. No wonder it is so expensive. There is still a lot of snow up here on the hill but it's been raining since last night so this may be the end of it. I have gotten pretty good at setting fires so Sasha and I are happy and cozy in these sheltering woods.

60 Pounds

Here are some photos that we took in the studio today -- Lucy (right) and Lynn and I together. We switched our studio day from Friday to today so I can drive out West tonight. I am itching to be in the country. And it worked for the others, too. We finished 11 collages as is our weekly goal.

I took Sasha to get weighed today and she is 60 pounds! She is now 9 months+ so may not get much bigger. I thought she would be a huge thing but looks like she will stay on the small side. She chewed through yet another leash today at the studio. This must be at least # 6. The company replaces them for free, no questions asked. At the store I apologized as I asked for a replacement. The clerk told me that they have a customer who gets a new one almost every other day. So I felt less bad about that.

The Angels will be here for a few hours tonight while my sister goes to a work dinner, then I'll drive out West with Sasha. I have encaustic materials with me so hope to get in a lot of studio time. And walking in the woods!

Kalyāṇa-mittatā

Today's image is a collage that a 9th grade boy did last Friday during our workshop, using one of Emily Dickinson's poems. I showed him how wax resists ink. It is a lovely piece. He asked me if I noticed the heart in the center.

Another thing that Narayan mentioned last night was Kalyāṇa-mittatā or "spiritual friendship". I have never heard this talked about before. She was saying that within this meditation tradition, there is no guru. The teachers are "spiritual friends" to the students. The teachers have experienced a lot of suffering themselves and have seen their way clear through by following this path. I found that very interesting. In yoga the term "guru" is often used with Indian teachers and I was always uncomfortable with that whole concept. She said that the relationship is based on mutual respect for each other and for the teachings.

Sasha is keeping me good company. Mark is having a good experience in India, although he says it's much more fun to be on an adventure if we're together.

Lucy met me for lunch and as always, we entertain each other. Whatever we do is fun. Today was no exception. I rode my bike as usual and took Sasha for a long walk tonight. I am opting to stay home which is highly unusual. I want to hunker down on the couch and read. Mark often jokes that our couches are never used because I'm always in motion, always going somewhere. Tonight is a wonderful exception!

Fielding Questions

I went to Narayan's beginners meditation class tonight and totally enjoyed it. It is the right decision for me to attend this class and not the later one. Someone asked me how the workshop was on Saturday and I replied, "hearing her speak is like listening to the voice of God". I love listening to her short dharma talks, the briefer sitting and walking periods and the question and answer time. Tonight in the front row there were two teen boys, maybe there with their mom. Typically students are college students or older. During the Q&A time one of them asked her if meditation would be beneficial to help with his ADD. He offered that he has taken psych medication but it didn't really help very much. I was so impressed that such a young person would feel comfortable asking such a personal question in front of a huge group of people. She locked eyes with him and lovingly encouraged him to sit 20 minutes per day at home, and while at school, to try to relax his body. It was such a loving and lovely response. She is really something else. Wow.

My neighbor Karen out West sent this photo, taken yesterday. So while the rest of New England is shifting towards spring, out on our hill, it's still very wintry. I hope to get in at least one more snow shoe this weekend. Here in the city the dog park is closed as it's too muddy and they tear up the field which is shared with kids sports teams in the afternoons. So I walked with Sasha this morning along a river. I let her off-leash (bad me) and let her chase after the birds. She was in the water a few times paddling around but she came back when I called. She loved it.

I was walking Sasha this morning -- it is way too muddy to venture into the dog park. For the first time in months, the ground is clear of snow and ice in my yard. It was really strange and yet exciting to see the first hints of lilies and evening primrose, poking themselves up towards the warmth and light. The other thing I found was an empty bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label. My first thought was -- yuk -- who was the unthoughtful person who littered my yard. Then I thought -- how perfect. The beauty of Mother Nature, doing her thing. Year in and year out, season by season. As well as the ugliness of the scotch bottle. Together. In perfect balance.

An ordinary day. It was raining so I was able to test my new bicycle rain gear which is fabulous. I bought a poncho and breathable pants. I was happy to find a company online which sources their products from the USA. Made in Oregon. Imagine! J and G Cyclewear. I am very happy with their products.

Marcia, my psychiatrist friend, came for dinner. We often go to see film but I feel bad about leaving Sasha alone too much so we decided to eat in.

Mark is doing fine in Bangalore. We mostly text which is funny. He is spending time with his team there as well as doing calls with his team here, late into the night. The first night they went out for Mediterranean food. That's not the India I knew 15+ years ago!

Encaustic!

I went to Starbucks this morning and another customer enthusiastically asked about Sasha who I was tying to the post. He told me that he had taken her photo when I first had her -- he flipped through his images and emailed this to me. She was about 11 weeks old at that point with her first leash -- which she subsequently chewed thoroughly, and then went through a few more after that. Dog people are definitely a different "breed". I used to smugly chuckle to myself as I saw them out at all hours, in all weather, picking up dog shit. And paying vet bills. And doggy day care and all of that. I thought they were totally nuts and ridiculous. And now I am one of them! This little creature has brought untold joy and pleasure. Although she certainly has her moments. Like this week when she ate not only the cat poo but the cat litter as well -- a lot of it. She found it unattended in the basement while I was in the workshop with Zoey. That night she had wicked vomiting all night, and bright green poop the next day. We thought that a vet visit might be in order. But she survived!

Another charming task today was picking up all the dog shit in the back yard. During the winter it was easier to let it be as it was hard to find in the dark. Now everything is melting and it will smell if I don't pick it up. Yet I love her so!

I am really glad that I had a restful weekend. I spent part of the day in the studio. I want to learn a new medium called "encaustic painting". Basically you paint with melted wax. It is a bit expensive to set up so I spent a few hundred dollars on a griddle, heat gun and all kinds of specialized paints and encaustic medium. I am going to take a private lesson later this month with an encaustic artist named Theresa Spadafora. I took a workshop with her many years ago and have been wanting to explore it. So the time has come. I made a small piece today that I am mostly happy with but want to play with a little more.

Mark is settled in Bangalore and ready to start his work week as I head out for dinner at Kande's. His flights were all on-time. He will get back a week from Wednesday. He'll probably be reading this to keep up with what's going on here.

Metta Workshop

The image is some of the collages done by the 9th graders yesterday, responding to Emily Dickinson. It was really interesting to watch them. Without exception, they all got quite engaged around the workshop. As for Team Tolstoy, I think that we all found it wonderful, but exhausting. I wonder how teachers can work with kids, day in and day out.

I am so glad that I stayed in town this weekend. I went to Narayan's metta workshop from 10am til 4pm. It was absolutely wonderful. I enjoyed every minute of it. I have been practicing meditation for 3 years now with a daily practice. At the beginning I practiced metta only -- that lasted for about 2 years. At some point I realized that practicing metta, while an amazing practice, can also be used to avoid difficult feeling states. So I shifted to an insight practice over the last "just snowshoeing".

She gave a very interesting teaching -- she suggested that we practice the phrases, but also leave some space for silence. Metta can get very wordy and almost mantra-like, without really sinking in. So I tried it during class, and it was just the right next step for me. I asked her about it during a q&a time and she said that I should proceed with that. So basically I silently say a phrase such as "may I be safe and protected" but before moving to the next one, I just sit with the breath/silence and let the phrases permeate my being. It's hard to describe just how helpful that was. She is an amazing teacher. What a blessing she is to me but to the whole community.

Here is the classic metta sutta that she read to us a few times today.

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

"If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking"

If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain

Emily Dickinson

I spent most of the day with Team Tolstoy, although not in the studio as is our regular habit. Lynn met an art teacher who works in Cambridge last fall who invited us to present our work to two of her foundations art classes for 9th graders.We told them about our project, but then asked them to respond to some poems by Emily Dickinson. Lucy was in a used book store yesterday and started to chat with a Japanese woman who is an Emily Dickinson scholar. She has just written a book. Lucy asked if by chance she'd like to observe our workshop today, and she said yes! So that was an interesting, unexpected angle. Here is Lucy, Lynn, Adrienne and Masako. We met at a coffee shop before the workshop to make our final preparations.

I am not very well-versed in poetry. This is one of the poems that we gave the kids. I find it very beautiful and it reminds me of metta meditation.

Mark flew to India tonight and will be back in a few weeks. He is there for work. So it's just me and Sasha. I am exhausted and lacking the juice to drive out West. Karen says the snow is melting -- alas!! -- and it will be quite warm, making for poor snow shoeing conditions. Plus Narayan is giving a workshop tomorrow which I plan to attend. So I will lay low in the city.

Find the 10's

Here is the second collage that I will be submitting for the show at Harvard. I tried to email in my submissions last night and they bounced back. I contacted the coordinator to make sure I had the right information. The deadline is March 15. It is fun to be submitting new work as I've been pretty consumed with the War and Peace Project for the last months.

I went to see the psychologist this morning, my third visit. While I don't think that I need her now, it feels good to have a relationship in place. I will see her next month when I go in for the next visit, and definitely before the next scan in July.

Today was a loose day. Zoey, the 5 year old angel, had a routine pediatrician visit so was not in school. Coincidentally we were walking home at the same time from the medical area. She wanted to spend time with me, so my sister left her with me. We were together until about 4pm. She is a lovely little one. We had lunch, took Sasha to the dog park and made a trip to the hardware store to buy grommets for the prayer flags. She thought it was a blast to go into Uncle Mark's workshop in the basement and learn how to put grommets in the canvas. We finished just two, the ones that she made at the party on Sunday. What I love about kids is that the simplest of activities is so engaging for them.

Today's blog title is "Find the 10's" because that it what Zoey called one of the prayer flags she made for me. I don't know what it means to her. Maybe something she learned in pre-school, kind of like Where's Waldo. She loved asking me to guess and find the 10's in her design. These kids are aptly named the Angels. They bring such delight to my life. I hope I bring as much to them!

Mark was out of town last night on business and will fly home late tonight. Then he flies out tomorrow night for a 2 week trip to India. I wasn't up for taking the trip with him.

Heart To Heart With Narayan

Here is a new collage that I am submitting for a show at Harvard. It has a partner which I'll post tomorrow. Each one is 8" x 8". The theme of the show is "Spain" so I used some Picasso images (painted pink and torn up) as well as a grammar book -- quite old -- for French speakers to learn Spanish. The titles are Grammaire Espanole I and II.

I had an interesting experience with Narayan last night. Towards the end of the second class she whispered to me that she wanted to talk with me after class. I of course was quite curious as to why. She has done this before. I thought that perhaps she was going to tell me how she spent the $$ that I gave her for the Burma nuns project.

We were alone. She sat in the chair next to me and we talked for a good long time. She asked if I am OK. I said, yes, that I'd had a rough few weeks in mid-January after the scans but that I was quite fine now. She inquired more deeply. She observed that I looked much happier during the first class, but began to look drained by the end of the second class. I said it was late, I was tired. She kept asking questions. Finally I admitted that in fact I am not comfortable for many reasons in the advanced class. I don't like the format -- she does very little formal teaching and there is a lot of dyad and small group conversation. That drives me nuts. I do that all day at work and I don't really want to listen to other students talk. I am deeply interested in what she has to say but not the other students. Since it is an "advanced" class, some people ask questions or make comments to make themselves look good. There is a certain smugness that is annoying.

So what we finally came up with is that I am going to drop the "advanced" class and attend the beginners only. I love that class. It starts at 6 and goes for an hour. She gives a brief dharma talk, followed by sitting and walking, then about 10 minutes of questions. I find the beginners' questions fresher and more engaging.

The rub is that I want to spend as much time as possible with her, but it just wasn't a good fit. So now this feels right. I still get to see her weekly and can receive her teachings that are a balm to my soul without having to stay really late and be in a group that feels not quite right. She is so intuitive and I felt so seen and understood. I continue to love her deeply.

"Would You Think It Odd"

My friend Lulu sent this poem by Hafiz. Here, in the woods, is where I find my holiest shrine.

Tuesdays are very long days. I am up at 5:30am to take care of Sasha and practice yoga. I don't do meditation because there will be plenty of that tonight. I hope to attend the beginners class at 6 and the advanced class at 7:15. I get home after 9:30 and will bike. So will arrive home and collapse into bed.

Would you think it odd if Hafiz said,

"I am in love with every church

And Mosque

And temple

And any kind of shrine

Because I know it is there

That people say the different names

Of the One God."

Would you tell your friends

I was a bit strange if I admitted

I am indeed in love with every mind

And heart and body.

O I am sincerely

Plumb crazy

About your every thought and yearning

And limb

Because my dear,

I know

That it is through these

That you search for Him.