"Let's Play Tag"

 For the first time in a LONG, time, I will have to join the other car commuters and drive to work. I only drive if absolutely necessary, and today is one of those days. I was juried into a show at Galatea Fine Arts in Boston! And today is the last day for delivery. I call this piece "Let's Play Tag". It is about 5 feet tall and 3 feet wide, a "mixed media" piece. Some months ago I found this baby bed spring on the street. And later figured out that it would be perfect for mini collages, made on shipping tags. The kind you buy at Staples. I was very surprised that it got accepted into this show. Each collage is for sale individually, but if someone wants the piece in its entirety, it can be sold that way as well.

I have totally bounced back from the anxiety over the bone scan. The way I understand it now is that the area of concern is probably an "artifact"; probably it is radioactive tracer which had pooled in the urine and was in a weird position, obscuring the pubic bone underneath it. So I'm going for that option -- it's nothing -- until the docs are find something definitively wrong. Then I'll deal with that if/when it comes. As Mark Twain said, “Some of the worst things in my life never even happened”.

I am working today, and tonight my dear friend Christiane flies in from Atlanta with her 12 year old daughter. We will drive out West and spend the week together in the country. Her daughter is a nature lover, so should be very happy! I bought an ice cream maker to take advantage of raw milk from our organic dairy farmer neighbors and our own raspberries and blueberries which are just coming into season.

The Pan Mass Challenge is Saturday! I'm ready. The weekend before I rode 81 miles, the longest training ride of the season. Saturday I did just 40 with Gayle. At this point, 40 miles feels like nothing. So I'd call that ready! A few weeks ago I received the PMC handbook and they cautioned that the first 50 miles are hilly. That got me worried. Until a PMC veteran pointed out that there are hills, then there is western Massachusetts! He assured me that I am prepared.

My art life is very busy. I am co-curating a show called 50-100-150 at Riverside Gallery in Cambridge. And to my utter amazement, have been invited to co-jury a big show in the late fall at The Brush Gallery in Lowell called "Encounters With Cancer". More on that another time.

Sasha is begging to go out to relieve herself!

Moscow Times

Collage 1, The War and Peace Project

This article was published yesterday in the Moscow Times about The War and Peace Project.
You can read the story here:

 "Tearing Up War and Peace Pages"

50-100-150

Sculpture Park, Moscow

I have recovered my equilibrium. It was a difficult couple of days, but I feel totally fine again. And ready to return to work. Although with this difficulty: at work I speak Portuguese and a little Spanish. Since January I've been taking weekly Russian classes in preparation for the trip to Moscow/Tolstoy Museum last month. It's funny, but my brain seems to have trouble processing several languages. I have only one foreign language channel! Portuguese and Spanish are similar enough that I don't confuse them. But Russian! Since I am really trying to learn it, I often think -- how do you say "that" in Russian. When doing long-distance biking, I distract myself on big hills and long distances by conjugating Russian verbs and counting. But when I think about going back to work, I can't remember how to say the simplest things in Portuguese. So Mondays are always jarring. After the first few Portuguese sentences, it comes back fine, but the first few minutes are strange. And sometimes a Russian word pops out unexpectantly. Usually it is funny but sometimes the Portuguese-speaking patients look at me strangely, and then I explain that I, too, am learning a new language. And they forgive me.

A friend asked me recently if I was having "withdrawal" from The War and Peace Project. That consumed me for well over 2 years. The project ended on such a high, to be shown at Yasnaya Polyana, the Leo Tolstoy Estate and Museum in Tula, Russia. What could be better than that? As Mark said, it is "ground zero" for everything Tolstoy. The project is on display until July 22, then will be shipped back to the US. I have a contact at NYU who wants to show parts of it this fall in conjunction with their celebration of 1812, and another friend who teaches at SUNY/Potsdam is also interested in showing it there. And we're working on other museums as well.

But in the meantime, I have other projects going. I am co-curating a show called 50-100-150 Pop-up Summer Show which will be at Riverside Gallery in Cambridge next month. I really loved curating the show I did in April, "Creative Couples". And decided to look for other jurying/curating opportunities. More about this later! Late for work!

"don't buy what they're selling until you have to"

Art Muzeon Sculpture Park, Moscow

It's been a challenging 24 hours. After a second phone call, many tears and much angst, what we know is that my test results are inconclusive. Prior to getting cancer, I thought that the world of medicine was black and white. Straight-forward. Yesterday the nurse practitioner noted the irony of radiology -- their world is to interpret black and white, yet most of the time it's shades of gray. And my situation is in that murky gray zone.

Bottom line: they don't know. The spot they see on my pubic bone could either 1) have been there all along but was never picked up. Wait and watch. 2) nothing -- the bladder holds a lot of the radioactive tracer so it could just be the bladder full of tracer or 3) something is brewing. Wait and watch.

Whatever the case, I will go back in 3 months (rather than the usual 6 months) for more CT and bone scans. There will be no change to the treatment nor prognosis.

So like I said yesterday, you just learn to live in the world of maddening uncertainty. My sister has an in-law who has had "stage 4" cancer for decades. His advise is, "don't buy what they're selling until you have to". So that's what I plan to do. This has gotten me to think more -- again -- about my life choices. Am I living as fully as I can? In alignment with my values?   I may fine-tune things again.

I'm OK. All is well.

"Maddening Uncertainty"

Lucy and I were at the hospital ALL DAY. We started at 9am and I got home about 7pm. One of my orders was mysteriously cancelled so I had to wait an extra 3 hours for the bone scan.

It's a little hard to integrate what we were told. One the one hand, the nurse practitioner said that things are fine. The blood work and CT scan were perfect. The question is the bone scan. The radiologist asked to repeat the scan on the pelvis area. There are some questions about a new area of concern. There is some new activity. There are no hard findings, just possibly a change from last time. Enough of a concern that the oncology team will review it with radiology tomorrow. I ran into The Vixen while waiting for the treatments, and she said she will look into it. She said that there will probably be no change in my management, but that she will want me scanned more frequently. So it's back to 3 month scans.

It was a hard day. Lucy and I both got very nervous when the technician said that they wanted another look at the pelvis. We both had an uneasy feeling.

So this is certainly not bad news, but it's very unsettling. I recall the words of the first radiation doctor who treated my hip: "once you enter the cancer world, you live with maddening uncertainty". That's what it feels like today.

6 month check-up

Moscow June 18, 2012

Today is THE DAY.
It's time for my 6-month check-up.
As the months and (now almost 4) years go by and I remain cancer-free, the appointments are less fraught with anxiety. In fact, I have never felt healthier and stronger. The Pan Mass Challenge is less than 4 weeks away. There are still 3 long training rides ahead of me. Last weekend I did 70 miles! In extreme heat and humidity. And it was fine. Not easy. But really fine. I have enjoyed the training and have logged many miles on my new Felt Z-6. I ride at least 100 miles every week, more at times, depending on the training schedule.

But back to today.

It is hard to find the right approach to metastatic cancer. The right balance. Since I feel so well, I am not worried. And yet... statistically speaking, I should be expecting the worst. It is foolish to assume that I am fine and will continue to be so. The Vixen always says that there is definitely cancer lurking around somewhere, just waiting to express itself. How do you live with that?

Lucy will go with me today. She hasn't missed an appointment in 4 years. What an amazing friend. Today we have something interesting set up. Some months ago she was at a dinner party and met a woman who works at the Dana Farber in marketing. Lucy told her about The War and Peace Project and she was intrigued with the cancer/Dana Farber connection. We've been in touch, and will meet today for the first time. Between the CT scan and bone scan! She has invited another person from the arts program to join us. I'm not sure what the discussion will be, but I am hoping that we can bring some aspect of our project to the Dana. Now that's a good way to approach the day! A meeting to discuss more projects...

Last week there was a story on WBUR (90.0fm), the Boston NPR station, about The War and Peace Project. Here is the link:

WBUR interview with Andrea Shea

I will write later with today's test results.

May we all be healthy and strong!