Karl Ove

Chatham, Massachusetts

Just as it seemed pointless to sing and play guitar after we heard Lucinda Williams performance last August in Truro, it seems pointless to write after reading Karl Ove Knausgaard. He has been described as a modern day Norwegian Proust. Not that I'm an expert on Proust. In fact I started Remembrance of Things Past several times - and never finished volume I. Knausgaard has written an astonishing 6 volume set - the last may not be translated into English yet - and I'm in the middle of Volume 2. I can't put it down. I stay up later than I should to read, and I often sit on the couch and read while I drink coffee in early morning. At the cost of yoga or taking Sasha for a long walk. It may sound like I'm being flip, but it's true... I am bowed down... humbled beyond recovery... a friend has suggested we have a book group devoted to Karl Ove. And how handsome and bad boy he is! He is causing a collective swoon.

A quick update: I went to see the oncology nurse practitioner Lauren today. I left work at noon and rushed over to the Dana Farber - to wait and wait and wait. It was a pointless visit. I had blood drawn and even at it's worst, nothing ever showed up in my blood. I told her that I thought it was unnecessary and she agreed. I will get all the scans and MRI on 12/29 - and see the VIxen the first week in January and the radiation oncologist around the same time. So I have no news whatsoever other than I feel good. And the more distance I put between me and them (that sounds terrible) the better.

It was hard being at the Dana today - it seemed like there were a lot more seriously sick people in wheelchairs, wearing masks, amputations, etc. It disturbed me to be there today. Cancer.  What a scourge. But I also found myself reacting to the signs. There is a long hallway that connects 2 hospitals called "Walkway of Hope" with hand-painted birds. It made me want to pull out a Sharpie and scribble on it. I definitely rolled my eyes as I walked through. Like that's going to make a difference? I was in touch with my snarky self today.

I also had to pick up a Holter monitor to wear for 24 hours. My pulse has slowed again since I had that cardiac ablation last September. My PCP says it's probably just being in good shape. Funny, right? I don't see how that could be so - I'm not doing any serious training these days although I probably commute 4 hours a week on the bike plus whatever we do on weekends which can include golf, hiking, biking or whatever. Hopefully that's all OK.

I had Thanksgiving on the Cape with my sister and family, then a big family gathering on Saturday at my aunt's house. I took the photo while walking with her down by the dock. She is now 88 and as amazing as ever. She loves to sing and we had a great time together singing "Ain't No Ash Will Burn"
I don't know how many more we will have with her. So I wanted to make sure to see her. She is spry and engaged as ever. She still goes for her walks but was not feeling great so it was limited to walking to the mailbox and around the yard. but she puts on all her warm weather gear and out she goes. What an inspiration.

Silver Linings

White Memorial Preservation
Litchfield Connecticut

How often in my work do I point at my water bottle on the desk and ask, "is the bottle half full or half empty?". How much of life is how we look at it, right?

I had an amazing conversation today with my dad's cousin Jim who is really struggling with cancer. We talked a few weeks ago and at that time he was in extreme pain, largely confined to a wheelchair. As a kid I remember him hunting elk on horseback in Idaho with my family. Over the years he was an avid skier, rollerblader, yogi. He said his pain is much better - why? The tumor has grown larger and killed the nerves in his leg so he doesn't feel much pain anymore. He said he was relieved - he'd rather have a bigger tumor and less pain. How's that for an interesting point of view?

He asked how I am doing. I said the hardest part for me is feeling like I can't plan much in the future. I am a planner! It's maddening not to really have a sense of the future much beyond a few months. I'll get scans and MRI next month and depending on what (if anything), my life may take a very different path. I said that my silver lining (we didn't use that term) is because the future is so unknowable, that I am much more focused on NOW. Today. and actually it's a good way to live. Planning be damned!

My brother called him last week and offered to mail him some of his "stuff" but Jim was already hooked up with medical marijuana which he said was very helpful. I joke with my brother that I've never been more popular - everyone wants his number! 

Namaste for Happy Hour

A few weeks ago I went to a continuing education program at Garrison Institute which is along the Hudson River in New York. It was sponsored by the New York Center for Contemplative Care. I went because 1) I need professional development hours to maintain my social work license (which my hospital job pays for) 2) Glenn's house is on the way and I could drop Sasha off for the weekend and 3) I've heard it's a beautiful place. An old monastery with hiking trails and views of the cliffs along the river.

I somehow missed the part about "contemplative care". The focus of this training was hospice care! But it was a hoot. My experience with silent retreats has been what I can best describe as psychological torture. The last one I went to I basically spent an entire week in a state of sweating, diarrhea and existential terror. Sounds fun, right? but the only thing I asked about this one is - is it silent? The answer was that there were some periods of silence.

So I signed up... and it was great. I have never experienced anything like it. Usually meditation centers - and especially retreat centers - are somber, serious, intense. This one was the total opposite. We did a lot of dyads - you would do it with someone new each time. A typical exercise would be: gaze at each other for what felt like an eternity. Study each other's faces. Then each person would talk for about 10 minutes while the other listened. One question was: what gets in the way of being fresh in the moment? So you'd just talk, kind of free associate and the other person would remain silent and just listen.

Great vegetarian food, lots of walking trails. I brought along my guitar and played outside, either in the the enclosed garden next to the labyrinth or on the great lawn, overlooking the river. I can't wait to go back. One of the workers was wearing this shirt. How subversive!