Christmas Eve Morning 2011

I got this card yesterday from our friends at Yasnaya Polyana, the Tolstoy Estate and Museum in Russia. We should have our show dates confirmed in a few days. Elena says that the House of Artists (the organization hosting the Moscow International Book Show in June) is having their meeting on Monday and will decide whether to include The War and Peace Project in the show. It is a 4 day event in Moscow in June. If the project is accepted, I will fly over with the collages, attend that show, then move the work to Yasnaya Polyana. If the project is not accepted, I will take the work directly to Yasnaya Polyana. Either way, we will have some clarify in a few days. We still have about 30 more to make.

Mark and I got together with my brother and sister and the Angels on Wednesday for an early Christmas. My brother gave us each the most unusual gift -- a HUGE plastic bin with composting worms! We are all big gardeners so it was a most welcome gift. Specifically, they are Red Wigglers (Eisenia Foetida). They will live in the basement all winter. They "eat" kitchen scraps (no meat or fats) and produce the most amazing compost, ie worm castings, aka worm poop. It is actually easier than tromping outside to the composter in the winter. Just walk down the basement stairs. In the spring, you can put them outside, directly in the garden. It is fun and kooky and practical.

I am consumed with preparing new work for my January show. I have been spending every possible day out West in the studio. The delivery date is Monday January 2 and the show opens Friday January 6. I have never worked so hard at anything in my life. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person in the woods. Tempermentally I am not well suited to long periods of time by myself. I had the choice of doing a solo show in January or September. Living with metastatic cancer, it's hard to know how long I will be well. So I decided to go for it. I am very happy with the new work.

To celebrate the holidays, we will attend services at the Unitarian Church tonight. Last year I was moved to tears -- and could not stop crying -- as the choir sung hymns in Latin. So beautiful, so haunting, so deep. We also put up our first tree, ever. And that's a goodness!

TOBY Award

I received this email and images from the Corporate Program at DeCordova Museum a few days ago. I have had many paintings on loan to them for some years now. The artist loans work to the Museum, then they rent them out to their corporate clients for a fat annual sum. From what I can tell, work rarely sells. But artists do it for the exposure.

"I wanted to let you know that BioMed Realty Trust, Inc, the Corporate Member who manages the property 3 Blackfan Circle in the Longwood Medical Area, has received a TOBY award in the Laboratory Building category. The Boston Owners and Managers Association recognizes real estate excellence each year with a gala and award reception. Your piece, "Great Lakes", is installed in the grand atrium . I'm happy to confirm that the artwork exhibition helped make this decision!"

Cool!

Valparai

Chitra sent me this amazing photo. She has some friends who own this tea plantation in India called Valparai. Mark and I visited one when were in India in February 2010. She also sent me some tea from this plantation. Mark brought it back after his most recent trip. It is delicious. Black tea but light in flavor and color.


Let's see, what's been going on... I think I've managed to get kicked out of the family again over Thanksgiving. My uncle was not on good behavior! He screamed and shouted at the holiday meal which was quite unpleasant. Nothing to do with me. I was making my way out the door for one last walk on the beach with my aunt on Saturday when he cornered us. He asked if I would act as a go-between for him with my sister who refuses to see him for several years now. I told him that he needs to work on that himself. He asked why so many of us "kids" react so negatively towards him -- so I told him. He went ballistic and threatened to cut me off/out unless he sees evidence that I will help him. It is so tiresome at this point! But I'm OK. I will return to him as my "difficult" person in metta meditation.

Sasha's weight loss program is working. She has trimmed down and her leg does not seem to bother her at all. I have stopped taking her to the dog park, however. The trainer is probably right -- it's too rough when there are more than a few dogs. She does fine even on long hikes with no distress. So I don't think she needs any surgeon consult or intervention at this point. What a relief!

I dropped off work at the new gallery on Sunday and by late afternoon the owner called to say that someone wants to buy one of the paintings. The group December show isn't even up yet. So that's totally exciting. I think this gallery will be a good fit. I'm working really hard to prepare for my solo show in January. Over the weekend I had 2 studio sessions with my art mentor Carol Odell. She is an amazing artist and person. I was there to use her space, not for a class per se, but I always pick up new ideas when I'm with her in any situation.

It's almost December which means I'll be starting my gift-a-day project. This will be my 3rd year of giving someone a gift every day of the month. As a way to combat an always-emotionally-fraught month. December 1 is the day my mother died -- back in 1981 -- so between that and Christmas, it's challenging. This project has worked well the last few years. It is really fun to think about others in a spontaneous way. I don't plan too much what I'll do, but let the spirit move me each day.

I get scanned the first week in January. Stay tuned!

Gratitude Homework

Every so often someone sends me a photo of a store or product called "Lola". Christiane sent this one a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what is being advertised -- or where it was taken. But there you go!

I am inspired to write tonight as I just got back from meditation class, and Narayan always sparks something in me. In fact, I attended two of her classes, back to back. Mark is on vacation this week (I used all of mine and them some in August) and drove out West with Sasha this morning. So I didn't have to get home to take care of her this evening. So I was free to spend the whole evening at the dharma center. I really like the beginners class. It is 1 hour. She always gives a beautiful talk. As a friend once said about Narayan, she is both your first teacher and your last teacher. The way she explains the practice to beginners is so fresh. It seems so simple, the way she presents the practice. And yet if you have been practicing a while, it is so incredibly profound. In the first class she talked about how the Buddha encouraged everyone to think and experience for oneself. Don't believe what you are told, don't believe in tradition. Try everything for yourself and see what works, what brings most happiness. He must have been a real iconoclast, coming out of a princely Hindu family and encouraging people to break with tradition and find inner freedom.

She always gives homework each week. We work for months at a time on a theme. Currently she is teaching "wise intention". But since it's Thanksgiving week, she asked he to partner up with another student. And each day for the next 2 weeks we are to email each other with something we are grateful for. This term I have had the company of Valerie. We sit side by side each week. We met some years ago through art but also have meditation in common. So it will be fun to email her every day with something I'm grateful for.

I actually have a well-established gratitude practice for many years now, so this homework will not be much of a departure from what I do anyway. The new aspect is sharing it daily with someone else. When I finish yoga practice, I always spend a few minutes in gratitude/prayer. Always on the "list" is that my body is comfortable and healthy. And a good night's sleep. And enjoying Sasha who does her best to share the yoga mat. Even when I wish she'd move over!

Sandwich Retreat

I can't help but write about what I've been doing the last 9 days. It has been the hardest but most amazing experience of my life. I attended the annual "sandwich " retreat at the meditation center in Cambridge. I signed up a few weeks ago and had been quite anxious about it. A few years ago I did a 2-day silent retreat at the center that was very challenging. And yet I've been feeling that I want to deepen my practice, so I decided to do it. That said, I was not sure if I would do the whole thing. It was 2 weekends (all day/evening Saturday and Sunday) and every weeknight in between from 6:30pm til 9pm.

On registration day last Saturday, the retreat manager asked I planned on attending the whole thing so she could decide which "yogi" job to give me. I hesitantly said that I intended to do the whole thing. She looked at me with raised eyebrow and said, "that doesn't sound very certain to me". And I was not at all certain. How would I tolerate all those hours in silence? I went to a meditation and psychotherapy conference last summer and one of the presenters described doing meditation as "being locked in a phone booth with a lunatic". That's about right!

But when Narayan made the opening remarks and urged us to be "impeccable" in our practice, right then and there I decided that I was going to attend every single session; not be late; not "cheat" in any way. (I hate rules and am still very adolescent towards being told what to do.) I took that on as a personal challenge.

Here is the evening chant:

Annica vata sakhara
uppada vaya dhammino
uppajjitva nirujjhanti
tesam vupasamo sukho

Natthi me saranam annam
buddho (dhammo, sangho) me saranam varam

ettena sacca vajjena
sotthi hotu sabbada

About 60 people attended. The 4 teachers were all there, often on the platform at the same time. We alternated between sitting and walking, typically 30 to 45 minutes. Lunch was provided and the cooks really rocked. The food was awesome. They also provided "tea" which was really dinner. I felt very cared for and protected. The silence was fine. I had an interview with Narayan the first Saturday -- all of 10 minutes. Then another interview yesterday, also 10 minutes.

Right before I saw her, I had an amazing session. I got a taste of possibility, inner freedom. I realized that much of what goes on in my mind is completely constructed. My mind is one big construction site. It's stories, fantasies, memories, comparing, commenting, narrating, etc. It's mostly just wanting what you don't have; holding on to what you don't want to lose; wishing you didn't have something that you do have; and random content. That's why we miss so much of what's going on in the moment because we're swept up with the drama of our thoughts and feelings. That was an amazing moment. Of course a few breaths later I was back to the usual stuff, but it was so powerful, even a moment of that. I now have a glimpse of what it might mean to be internally free.

For much of the retreat I was focused on the breath, rather than metta. Sometimes with metta the words get in the way and I'm overly focused on the phrases and number of repetitions, rather than paying attention to what is arising. She said that it was fine to work with 'bare attention' during the retreat but to continue metta in daily practice as it's been such an anchor these last 3.5 years.

Another aspect I worked with is "allowing". Allowing whatever arises to do so. Not pushing away, not trying to make anything happen. The course I took this summer was a lot about that. Can you make room for it all. It's like doing a very deep psychotherapy -- integrating all the disparate parts of oneself. It is hard! We all have aspects that we'd rather disavow. So I sat with all of it. Some moments were hell, other moments were joy and peace.

When we finished, they asked us to go around the room and speak about our experience. It was beautiful. Lots of gratitude towards the teachers, the kitchen staff, the retreat manager, and each other. And of course for the teaching themselves. Narayan gave the last talk which was metta-based. She encouraged us to be "pourous" and open to the group. Even though we were in silence the whole time, there was an amazing feeling of connection between us. I saw next to a (tall, handsome!!) guy for 9 days and we never said a word until tonight. I liked sitting next to him - he was very steady physically and a devoted practicioner. It was fun to introduce ourselves when it was all over.

I have a lot to integrate. It was very hard and very cool at the same time -- depending on the moment. It is important to challenge ourselves, to go beyond our comfort zone. It was a huge leap, but at the same time I knew I was safe and in good company.

Namo Tassa Bhagavato Araho Sammasambuddhassa

This is the morning chant that Narayan led on both Saturday and Sunday. There is an evening chant, too. It must be in the language the Buddha spoke, Pali, although obviously in transliteration. I attended a 2-day silent retreat at the meditation center over the weekend. It was actually quite wonderful. The center is for classes only; there are no overnight accommodations. We started at 9am on Saturday morning and finished at 8pm. Sunday was a bit shorter; we started at 9:30am (a bit later due to the snow storm) and finished at 6pm.

I can hear her chanting as I write this out:
Buddham Saranam Gacchami
Dhammam Saranam Gacchami
Sangham Saranam Garrachami

Dutiyampi Buddham Saranam Gacchami
Dutiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchami
Dutiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchami

Tatiyampi Buddham Saranam Gacchami
Tatiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchami
Tatiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchami


I had never chanted at the center before (it always part of the practice at Iyengar yoga) so it was a surprise. Narayan has a wonderful singing voice. I think she was a classical pianist in her youth so is gifted musically.

The retreat went well! Sitting still for hours at a time is not usually my idea of a good time. And in total silence. The only talking is during an interview with a teacher and that was 10 minutes on Sunday. I saw the first on Narayan's list; she knows what a challenge this is and wanted to make sure I was doing OK. I walked in and she said, "how's my baby?". I said, "baby is growing up". That made her laugh. She said I'll always be her "baby". In the sense that I started with her as a beginner. Not in an infantalizing way. It was really hard, even though it went well. My body was killing me! Aching shoulder and neck and pain in the knees, hips. Mark asked why I do it -- which is a good question! My intention is "to care and not to care". I want to focus on what's important and let go of all the stupid things that use energy better spent in other ways.

I plan on going every night this week (Monday through Friday 6:30pm til pm) then all next weekend. Maybe I'll be enlightened by then! (that's a joke)

Sitting Regularly

10/21/11

"Plan to sit at the same time each day. One of the benefits of doing this is that one gets to know the mind that doesn’t want to sit. Personally, I like to sit immediately upon waking up in the morning. For many people, this seems to be a good time, before we become engaged in the activities of the day. But if you have small children or a demanding job, this may not be possible. And some of us have rebellious natures, so any routine presents a problem. Then we need to be flexible."

- Narayan Liebenson Grady, "The Refuge of Sitting"

Lynn took this photo on Friday. We laid a hundred or so collages on the floor so we could see them together. We have just 75 more to go! We have completed 675 individual collages -- the final count will be 749.

This weekend I will attend a meditation retreat at the center. The program is called their "sandwich" retreat. It starts Saturday morning and runs through the evening and again on Sunday. During the weeknights, you go to the center from 6:30pm til 9pm, then again the following weekend. I plan on doing the whole thing -- quite a challenge! But if it gets to be too much, I will also give myself permission to stop at any point.

Yesterday I submitted actually work to the membership committee at a gallery that I hope to join. I am waiting with baited breath for their response.

Sasha is doing really well. Now I'm debating whether to cancel the orthopedic surgeon appointment next week. Of course she has also been on anti-inflammatory medication for a month and I wonder how she will do without it.

That's the news from here!

Roxanne

Museum of Fine Arts, Boston 10/20/11

Today I met a new friend, Roxanne. We "met" in the most interesting way -- through this blog! Roxanne is a medical writer and stumbled upon this blog a year or so ago. She was writing a story that mentioned The Vixen (my oncologist). This blog popped up and she took a look, and has been following since that time. What's disconcerting about blogging is that you have no idea who reads it. I can see how many and from which parts of the country/world, but no details. So I had no idea about Roxanne until she emailed me a few months ago. We met for the first time today and had lunch at the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston. We saw the Degas show which was rather surprising -- they showed much more than what is typically associated with him. We had a good time and will see each other early next week.

I have been posting with less regularity over the last few weeks. I think this blog has served it's purpose -- to let friends and family know how I'm doing. I feel less interested in making it a priority. While in Russia with no internet access, I felt free in a different kind of way. I spend way too much time on the computer. So I am not signing off forever. In the past I've considered stopping but kept on going with it. So feel free to check in from time to time, but unless I change my mind, I will post just occasionally. And will definitely post when I get the next scans in early January.

I am fine. The drama of the cancer has resided. This morning I was walking Sasha in the neighborhood, and ran into a neighbor. She asked about the Pan Mass Challenge, then told me about the really serious auto-immune disorder that her 4 year old daughter has. It was humbling. These days I feel like everyone else, and more fortunate than most. Just a regular person with regular struggles. So until further notice, I am signing off!

Hypnotherapy, Day 3

All I can say is that I'm glad the course is over. I tried hypnotherapy on for size, and it's definitely not for me. At the end of the day the instructors handed out certificates for level I hypnosis training. When it was my turn, I was told that they felt unable to give me one because I opted out of all the practice times, but could get a certificate if I repeat the course in the future. That felt fair and fine. All I need is a letter to state that I was in attendance so I can get reimbursed through my job.

I kept hoping that some part of it would feel right, that I could learn some new skills for work. But none of it resonated. I hung in there for 3 days straight and missed a weekend out West (huge sacrifice!). But at least I gave it a shot and stayed for the entire course.

Sasha is maybe doing a little better. Her limp is less noticeable. Although she is getting chubby. Last night Mark was packing to drive back to the city, and she got ahold of her bottle of medicine and ate the whole thing. The bottle and the pills inside. Fortunately the vet had given us 2 bottles so she was only able to eat about 4 or 5 pills. She is a little bored and restless. We have cut back on her food so she doesn't blow up like a tick, and she isn't too happy to be on short rations. Her consultation is next Tuesday. Mark and I just got back from a gallery meeting and one of the artists was telling us to beware of the hospital we are taking Sasha to. She said they were "butchers". Isn't that scary? I hope to make a good decision for her.

Hypnotherapy, Day 2

With Lucy at DeCorcova Museum 10/5/11

I was really debating whether to return to the course today, as it was so difficult yesterday. But I went back and am glad that I did. A lot about hypnotherapy is very challenging for me. I have spent years trying to get (and stay) in my body through practicing yoga, and there is a dissociative aspect of hypnosis that is scary for me. I don't like the idea that someone can suggest that my arm lift up and it does so without my conscious decision. My averse reaction also has to do with growing up with my father who really used us kids in a very manipulative way against our mother. I hate feeling manipulated in any way. Fortunately the trainers are very skilled and have totally allowed me to opt out of the practice parts. Today, however, I stepped in a bit. Cathy, the director, invited me to put her into a progressive relaxation, just the way I've been doing as a yoga teacher all these years. She gave me some helpful feedback. I told her that tomorrow I will let her do the same to me. She spent an inordinate amount of time with me and has been very patient. More and more I see a connection between what they are presenting and what I already do every day. Today she and I talked --she explained hypnosis as accessing the parasympathetic nervous system. I had an ah-ha moment. Tomorrow is the third and final day so I plan on finishing this up. Whether I continue with the weekly seminar is another question. But at least I have explored this and given it a chance.

Hypnotherapy, Day 1

Wow, today was very strange. I went to a hypnosis workshop, given by the hospital I work for. It was offered by the behavioral medicine department. It runs through Monday. I have been anxious about it since I signed up for it a week or so ago. I was envisioning the stereotype of the hypnotist using a pendulum, and the subject falling immediately into a trance. And that's exactly what happened! It freaked  me out, so much that I declined to participate in the practice session when you are paired with another attendee and practice putting each other into an "induction". No way! The whole thing is rather weird, anyway, and the thought of me putting someone into a trance when I have no idea what I'm doing? And I certainly don't want to be hypnotized, either. I thought there would be more of an emphasis on relaxation rather than the formal induction. At various times I felt curious and other times totally freaked out. I know the director a little bit and she was great about letting me opt out. I will go back tomorrow. Although I'm questioning what I'll get out of it if I don't fully participate. Maybe this isn't the "right" next step for me, either. 

Mark and Sasha are out West so the house is very quiet. I am never with Sasha unless traveling out of the country. I miss her so! Mark has been letting her run a bit in the yard and her knee bothers her when she runs too much. Something is definitely going on with that knee. The vet prescribed 3 more weeks of anti-inflammatory drugs until she sees the surgeon. Poor thing!

Last night I went to a gallery opening in the South End. I have preliminarily been accepted into a new gallery which I am thrilled about. I have to deliver some work next week so they can make sure of the quality -- sometimes work looks very different in person rather than a jpg -- but I think it will be a good move. I like the East Boston gallery because of the freedom it affords us -- but want to be in a place that has more foot traffic.

"3"

O

On Tuesday I was able to speak with Narayan a little bit before class started. I told her that I had signed up for the "sandwich" retreat which is 2 full weekends with weeknights in between. She was rather surprised! She said, "that's a big gulp". She said that she would make sure to find time for individual time together as she knows what a challenge this will be. I am really enjoying the class. The focus is "right intention". She asked us to go around the room and share our intention -- in just a few words -- with the rest of the class. Then we had small group discussion. She always gives "homework" and this week it is to set an intention for the day. As early in the day as possible. I've been doing this for several years now -- I set the intention at the end of yoga practice. My intention is to live today as fully as possible, and every day as fully as possible. I will be curious to see what others do and will find out at the next class as I'm sure she will ask us as a group.

I went to see a film last night for the first time in a long time. I saw "3" which is a German film. Mark always jokes that all the films I take him to have either gays or Nazis. Not that he objects to either. It just seems that so many "alternative" films these days have those elements. This one both. So it's a good thing that he didn't go. He is now taking Russian classes which is really cool. I help him with his homework, and learn along with him.

Sasha had her vet visit this morning. I like the vet a lot because she does not push. She definitely thinks I should take Sasha for an ortho surgery consult but that does not mean that we do anything necessarily. Just for information. I want to make sure that I'm making the best decision as I am responsible for her and don't want to do anything to cause her trouble. She is definitely getting a little bored with want of exercise. Last night I got home and she had chewed the heel off one of Mark's boots. So after the vet, we went to a pet supply and loaded up on new chewy toys. She has totally destroyed ALL of them except for the Kongs and one hard ball.

I went to see my first yoga teacher again today. She is really amazing. She teaches right around the corner. I want to study with her again. I haven't really studied with her in well over 15 years, maybe more. It feels like going home again.

Right Intention

NYC 10/7/11

Tuesdays I go to Narayan's meditation class. The theme this fall is "wise intention". It is the second of  8 aspects of the Noble Eightfold Path and falls under the category of wisdom. Last week she asked us to set an intention before we sit each day. I remember the line from TS Eliot poem Ash Wednesday that she read last summer at the 5 week course I took.

teach us how to care and not to care

So I am practicing with this intention. I spend way too much energy worrying about the wrong things. May this guide my practice! 

Under the Weather

Lola and Lynn, NYC, 10/7/11

Mark and I took a day trip to our house out West yesterday. We met with the Tibetan stone worker and are making plans to install a labyrinth for walking meditation. He is busy this fall so he may not get to it until the spring. That's OK as it will be quite expensive so we have time to save up for it. I asked that it be my holiday gift.

I went to bed last night with a stuffy head and woke up today with a full-blown head cold. We had a visitor this morning. A friend from the dog park, Beverly, came over with her dog (Sasha's best friend) Zuzu. They tore around the house and had a great time. Sasha knows her by name -- Zuzu. It was so sweet of Beverly to do that. Sasha hasn't been to the dog park for almost 2 weeks and the dogs were thrilled to play together. Beverly is of course a very cool person so it was an interesting way to socialize. We let Sasha run around yesterday for a few hours and she started to favor her back leg again. I am reading more about OCD and from what I glean, surgery is usually what is necessary. So we'll see what the vet says on Thursday.

Today I will lie low and hope to re-energize by tomorrow.

The New School

Lucy and Lynn, 5th Avenue and 13th Street, NYC

Here are Lucy and Lynn. We had just driven into NYC and were on our way to meet with the staff of The New School to plan our show for February. We left Boston at 8am and got home at midnight. It was a long day! But it was both fun and productive. We will be showing The War and Peace Project at The New School. It dovetails nicely with their year-long event which is a series of programs related to the year 1812. Much of War and Peace takes place during that year, so it is a nice fit. Plans are still preliminary but we will be opening in early February.

Besides meeting The New School staff, we walked the High Line which is a rather new park. It runs north from 14th street on the west side. An old elevated train line was converted into a park. It was clean, filled with people in late afternoon and just lovely. It connects with the new Chelsea Market which is an indoors space devoted to specialty foods and some other boutiques.

Today I've spent recovering. I woke up very tired. Mark's opening is tonight, so I've been cooking for the show per his request.

Tomorrow we'll drive out West just for the day. We will meet with a Tibetan stoneworker about building a labyrinth for walking meditation.

Sasha is doing much better. Mark says he can barely tell that she is favoring her leg. She doesn't seem to mind at all her forced captivity. She doesn't ask to go out, she is not restless. Good thing! I'll take her to the vet on Thursday for her follow-up appointment. Maybe she will be OK after all without further invention?!

Apple Bundt Cake

Lucy and I went to the Decordova Museum and Sculpture Park yesterday afternoon. We were expecting to see work by Andy Goldsworthy but I mis-read the description -- he will be doing a project in the future but they need funding for it. All that was on display was some photographs of previous work and some sketches of his idea. And a 37 minute film of a man (the artist?) lying on a cement slab while snow descended on him. I hate that kind of thing! It reminded us of the Andy Warhol film which was 8 hours of someone sleeping. Please! Really?!

Today my sister needed some help. Everyone had a medical appointment to get to and Luke injured his foot quite badly and needed to stay home from school. So he got dropped off and we spent the day together. All day! He is 7 and a lot of fun. He is the most curious kid I've ever known. We made an apple bundt cake; some collage-making in a book I bought for that purpose; lots of playing with Sasha. And of course Chinese checkers. I am a pathetic chess player and he beats me regularly. So he settled for Chinese checkers where I can give him a bit more challenge. They are all so special to me. 

And tomorrow is a road trip to New York City. Lynn, Lucy and I will drive down for the day to meet with the staff at The New School where we will have a show in February. It will be a long day, driving about 4 hours each way, but will be a lot of fun with those two.

Sasha is doing a little better. She is getting in touch with her lazy side. I thought it would drive her nuts to be so sedentary but she is calm and happy and doesn't seem to miss walking and the dog park. She still favors her right back leg. She goes back to the vet on Thursday. Hopefully she will be well enough that no further intervention is needed.

I'm an Outlier

Apple picking 9/29/11

Everything looks great. I met with the nurse practicioner Anne at the Dana Farber this morning. It was the 3-month visit which includes blood work, physical exam and injection of estrogen-blocking Lupron. She said (again) that I am an "outlier" on the bell curve of metastatic breast cancer. On the fortunate end, that is. She said that they have never had a patient go so long on the first line of treatment. It has been over 3 years now and there is no evidence of cancer. It is miraculous. I asked her why -- and of course they don't know why some people do well and others succumb and die quickly. Metastatic breast cancer is a complex illness. She thinks that it has to do with "resilience", both mental and physical. I don't know, of course, either. All I know is that the face of God is shining on me. I am so fortunate.

I celebrated by going to a yoga class at noon. I have never been to this studio before, and the teacher was Kripalu trained. It was a really excellent class. I feel strongly drawn back to yoga at this point. For many years I haven't taken any classes but have just worked on my own. But now it feels like the time to re-connect with a teacher(s) and community. It was just great - a little challenging but mostly just lovely.

And now I'm off to the Decordova Museum and Sculpture Park with Lucy. We are going to see the Andy Goldsworthy show. I have only seen his work in a documentary film and in a book so am very excited to see his actual work.

Out With the Guys

Made 10/1/11

Here is an image of the piece that I made on Saturday. It is about 9 inches tall. A few months ago I found the wood while walking along the river. The metal was a birthday gift from Tom, some wire out of his fire pit. The red mesh is from an old sander belt that I spray painted and cut into circles. And encaustic paint with graphite powder. I love working on this small scale with found objects. This arcs back to my maternal grandfather, the Russian, who ran a junk yard on the wrong side of town.

Last night I was out with the guys. Timothy, who lives in the San Francisco Bay area, was in town and a few of us got together for dinner. I rarely spend time with men, much less only men, so it was refreshing. We all know each other from the yoga world. Josh and Jolyon were also there. We went to an organic vegetarian place in Cambridge that was really excellent. A juice and smoothie kind of place. Mark continues to work on framing his photographs for his show that opens Saturday, so he did not go along. The conversation was everything yoga -- randy monks, gurus, swamis, ashrams, mantras, yantras, chants, initiations and the inevitable gossip, even among yogis. It was really fun.

An interesting opportunity has presented itself. (I never heard back from the mind body clinic which provides hypnosis, biofeedback, CBT, DBT, etc.) An email went out yesterday about a year-long hypnosis training at the hospital where I work. If I really want to train in some technique, here is my chance. In mid-October there is a 3-day intensive course, followed by a weekly seminar. I will check with my managers to see if I can attend the weekly meeting as it is during my clinic time. Mark and my sister think that I should just stay put -- especially given the uncertainty about health insurance through Mark's employer. So I'll be exploring that this week.

Last night Josh asked if I have done a retreat yet -- we've been talking about this for years. A few days ago I signed up for the "sandwich" retreat at the meditation center. It is an interesting model. You sit all day Saturday and Sunday, then Monday through Friday you sit in the evenings from 6:30 til 9, then again all day the following Saturday and Sunday. Even that sounds daunting. But I have committed to doing it. It starts the last weekend of this month.

Pink Asters

Trish, 9/23/11

I drove out West Friday evening after spending the day in the studio with Team Tolstoy. We have completed 645 collages. Only 104 to go! The complete set will  be 749. It is very strange to know that we will be finishing up in a few months. This project has been such an important part of my life for the last almost-2 years.

On Friday several of us will be taking a road trip to NYC to meet the staff of The New School so we can plan our show scheduled to open in February. I am also in touch frequently with the Yasnaya Polyana people. That show will open in June.

Mark stayed in the city this weekend, preparing for his show which opens Saturday in East Boston. It's been a little lonely out here on the hill, although I spent last night with Marian and some time with Trish this morning. It has been very rainy and a little cold. Sasha is pretty much laid up and shouldn't do much running around, so I haven't been in the woods, either. Yesterday I went for a long walk on the dirt road. I let her run around today as I did walking meditation, but she is limping again which I feel guilty about. How can you prohibit a dog from running? Yesterday she was so bored that she started to run circles, madly, in the house.I'll take her to see the vet again the week after next. She had said that if she's not markedly better that she will make a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. I really don't think I'll take that path. A knee replacement for a dog? Even Sasha?!

Since the weather is so dismal, I have moved back into the studio. Yesterday I spent a lot of time and made another sculptural standing piece out of found wood, rusty metal and encaustic. Today I picked up an encaustic painting that I started months ago. It feels good to be back in the studio.

The garden is still producing quite well. Today I picked beets, parsley, carrots, kale, tomatoes, cucumbers and squash. There is a large stand of pink asters which I have cut and will put on the meditation bench.

Wednesday I have an appointment at the Dana Farber. It is the 3-month visit so I'll see the nurse practicioner. I'll have a physical exam, blood work and an injection. Even though I downplay my health problem, the Lupron is labeled as "chemotherapy". I am feel excellent and have no complaints, and yet... it does make me a little anxious. 

Osteochondrosis (also known as OCD)

I was able to speak with the vet this morning, and it looks like Sasha may have OCD (not obsessive compulsive disorder!). She is to rest for the next 14 days and is taking an anti-inflammatory medication called Remedal. She does not appear to be in pain. If she isn't better in a few days, she will be referred to an orthopedic surgeon. It is very upsetting to see her limping around. Her eyes say, when are we going to go to the dog park? I miss Zuzu! When are we going walking in the woods? Here is a description that I found online:

"Osteochondrosis (also known as OCD) is a common, painful disease in dogs. It is characterized by an abnormality in the cartilage-to-bone transformation. As a result, cartilage and bone fragments may break off into the joint space. Osteochondrosis is not a form of arthritis, however, it often leads to arthritis. Larger breeds of dog have a genetic predisposition towards the condition, which results from rapid growth. (The pain from osteochondrosis is similar to the “growing pains” experienced by adolescents.)

Cartilage is the tissue, normally at the ends of long bones, which contributes to pain-free motion. Osteochondrosis is a congenital defect in normal joint cartilage development that leads to the development of a loose piece or flap of cartilage. This loose piece or flap can give rise to secondary degenerative joint disease. Secondary degenerative joint disease that develops as a result of osteochondrosis, generally occurs early in the dog's life as opposed to the "wear and tear" arthritis that many dogs experience later in life."

Apple Picking

Zoey's question has stuck in my mind. Not her exact question, but the question behind the question. How to live each day as fully as possible? Every day after yoga practice, I offer prayers of gratitude. And pray for others who are in particularly tight spots. And then I pray to live today as fully as possible, and all my days as fully as possible. Today was a great day.

I took a yoga class this morning with a teacher named Barbara Benagh. She was my first yoga teacher and I studied with her starting in 2004. I took the level I/II class which was not very physically challenging, but given how much trouble I still have with my shoulders and hip, it is just right. I kept thinking -- wow, this is fantastic. This feels just right, I feel at home. After class I told her that I'd forgotten how fabulous she is. She laughed and asked if I still live in the neighborhood. I intend to take her class regularly.

Sasha had her x-ray and the findings were concerning. The first thing we'll try is basically "bed rest" and anti-inflammatory medication for 14 days. Then she will get re-checked. If she doesn't get totally better fast, she will be referred to a bone surgeon. And then we'll see. I may or may not take it to the next level. It's a slippery slope once you start with the specialists for your pet, even as much as I love her.

The Angels were off from school today as it is Rosh Hoshanah. My sister and I drove out to our brother's with the Angels to go apple picking. We had a blast. The orchard we went to has seen better days. It is pretty neglected but still has great apples. Both of our nephews worked there during high school. Kelsey is living at home after college while she takes her CPA exams. So we had dinner with our brother, his wife and Kelsey. We all like each other a lot and wonder -- why don't we do this more often?

It was a lovely day.

Another Consideration

Suzanne making collage

Mark is looking into switching me to his health insurance, but it looks like the coverage is not nearly what I need. This definitely adds another level of complexity to the decision about leaving my job. My job offers fantastic coverage. It is really scary to think about pre-existing condition exclusions. Or huge co-payments. My big appointments cost about $20,000. So we have some more research to do before I make any changes. I also need to check out whether my current insurance company would take me as an individual rather than through the work contract. The behavioral medicine clinic has not contacted me; it feels like a no-go. It is disappointing, yes, but when I met with them, it didn't feel like a perfect fit. I am not really interested in behavioral or cognitive techniques for symptom reduction.

This is all OK. I'm starting to ask myself different questions. The real question is: what is life-enhancing? That's what I want to pursue. Zoey put it best: aunty, why don't you paint anymore?

I am worried about Sasha. I took her to the vet last week for her annual shots and the vet noted a slight limp. She felt her right hind leg and found some thickening around her knee. She said to keep an eye on it. Yesterday Sasha was unable to put any weight on it so I called and made an appointment for tomorrow. She seemed a little better today, but I still want to get it checked out. Last week she weighed over 70 pounds. That is surprising because she is short and stocky, but does not look like a big dog.

So I go back to the essential question: what is most life-enhancing?  I had a good few days at work this week. Busy, productive, collorative. Last night Narayan's advanced class met for the first time this fall. The theme is "right attitude". I am very happy to be back in the class and to have the opportunity to see her regularly again. Tomorrow I plan to go to a yoga class. And spend some time in the studio with the Angels. I bought some used kids books and want to teach them to do collage in a book. Kind of the altered book idea. I spoke to Zoey yesterday and she said that doing art in school is not fun because they are told what to do. (She is in kindergarten.). My sister laughs and hopes that I am not creating a problem here! Zoey is very excited to get together tomorrow to begin to explore in-book collage. And so am I.

Global Girlfriend

Christiane sent this photo a few days ago and called it "global girlfriend". Either Mark or Trish took it; I don't remember. We were at JFK Airport, waiting for our flight to Moscow. It was a wonderful reunion as we hadn't seen each other since 2004. Coincidentally, the scarf she is wearing she had given me about 30 years ago. I brought it along with the idea of re-gifting it back to her. Turns out, she brought along a scarf for me, too, that she bought in NYC many years ago.

Today we got an invitation to visit The New School in NYC next Friday, to plan our show which will open in February. This show has been in the works for a few months now, but is now becoming for definite. The road trip coincides with the appointment I reluctantly made with the analyst as a "termination" session. I will contact him to let him know that I really do not want to be in therapy or analysis and don't want to meet one more time. So I am definitely closing that door.

I have not heard one way or the other about the mind-body clinic position. It is hard to wait!

Suzanne

Suzanne arrived late morning yesterday. We had a wonderful visit. She lives in NYC, the land of fantastic restaurants, but she prefers a good home-cooked meal, most of it right out of the garden. Mark surprised us and stopped by for dinner on his way home from New Jersey last night. It was an hour or so out of his way, but he really wanted to be here even if just for a short time.

Suzanne asked to go scavenging, so we did. It is very common to find big "garbage" piles in the woods around here. I brought her to one this morning, and we pulled lots of good stuff out. Rusty cans, mostly. We brought the stash up to the studio and made these "sculptures". They are rusty cans coated with encaustic wax and one is mounted on an old bed spring (found in a dump on the Cape last summer). I think we're on to something! We put them on the mantle and they look awesome! So this week I am going to contact a gallery owner on Newbury Street to see if she is interested in them. It was total alchemy as a piece of garbage metamorphosed into something quite beautiful. The body of each is about 8 inches.

The mind-body clinic should be in touch with me the next few days. On Saturday morning I mailed a thank-you note and mentioned a few things I wished I'd said during the interview. Let's see!

"Aunty Why Don't You Paint Anymore?"

Moscow Dumpster by Trish Crapo

Trish sent me this photo a few days ago. We had just visited the Garage Center for Contemporary Culture in Moscow. We had such a fantastic trip. Mark commented the other night how this trip has really stuck with him. I like the randomness of everything else but the ties; it looks like someone purposefully lined them up.

I am out West, Mark is in New Jersey. He and his brother are visiting an assisted living facility near Philadelphia for their dad. Daddy-O is increasingly demented, although very physically healthy. They don't know how he will react to the proposal that he move. He has lived in the same house for 50 years and it remains a shrine to his wife of 60+ years. She died about 7 years ago.

Team Tolstoy did not meet yesterday as a few were preparing for Open Studios, one was traveling. No one was available but me. And we have a "rule" that we always work with at least one other person. So we'll pick up again next week. We have an invitation to do a preview show at New School in NYC, starting in early February. So we really need to finish! We have about 120 more to go.We have a commitment from Yasnaya Polyana to show it next summer, but no firm dates of details.

Wednesday I heard back from the corporate event planner that we did not get the workshop. That was very disappointing. Their client went with a different proposal. Nonetheless, I am sure that she will contact us again with other workshop opportunities.

Yesterday Zoey said, "aunty, why don't you paint anymore?". I showed her some recent encaustic pieces and told her about the War and Peace Project, to which she responded, "but that's not painting. Why aren't you painting?". Maybe that's the best question yet -- from a 5 year old. Maybe that's a better question than 1) should I pursue Jungian analysis/training 2) should I find a different job 3) all the other life questions... And I've been thinking about it -- why don't I paint anymore?


My dear friend Suzanne is driving up from NYC to spend some time here together. We have been friends for over 25 years now. Lucy, Claude, Suzanne and I all worked together a long time ago in Cambridge. It has been raining non-stop which makes for some cozy studio time. Suzanne loves Portuguese food so I made a special trip into East Cambridge today for Portuguese sweet bread.

The Interview

Here is a collage that I made for Renee's bat mitzvah last weekend. I made it out of the invitation itself. And added some dried flowers from Yasnaya Polyana. I did a similar piece for her old sister. Her older brother got a small painting. One more sibling to go -- her younger brother.

As I write this, Zoey (my sister's 5 year old) is settling in for the night. She is in a phase where she is aunty-crazy. (I have been in the love-the-Angels phase for almost 10 years -- as long as Shayna has been around.) Yesterday morning she told my sister that she didn't want to go to school; she wanted to spend the day with me. She settled down when my sister told her that I was at work. How sweet is that? We had our "date" tonight. We baked a cake -- a cranberry creme fraiche bund -- that turned out really well. I took lots of photos of her measuring, mixing and pouring. Then we did some mixed media collage work, walked the dog, and had sushi for dinner. I often wear big scarves from India this time of year as a light layer, and she asked if she could wear one, too. It wrapped around and around her -- she looked just fantastic in it. She is an adventurous eater. She tried everything -- miso soup and all kinds of vegetarian sushi. We are friends with the couple who own the restaurant; the wife gave Zoey a gift as we were leaving, a lovely paper wallet. Spending time with these kids is so special. Zoey asked, "aunty, if I weren't here tonight, what would you be doing?". I told her that I'd be out West, but that what I prefer is to be with her. So sweet.

So... the interview. I did not shine, that's for sure. I found myself rather tongue-tied and nervous. Most of their staff has a lot of formal training in mind-body treatments and a lot of experience using those techniques in clinical work. I have been working with a very different population these last years and do a lot of crisis intervention and short-term, intermittent work. So is it a great fit? I really don't know. I left feeling pretty uncertain and insecure. What they did like is my many years of yoga and meditation practice. He said that most clinicians only use the skills at work but don't practice. I find that very odd -- how can you not practice what you teach? My friend Ricardo still maintains that I am a strong candidate. So we'll see.

I had another interview scheduled with the Jungian analyst for tomorrow but wrote him an email to say that I don't want to continue. I'm not sure (see a theme here?) if it isn't a good fit or whether I really don't want to be in therapy at all. Or what. He suggested that we get together one more time which I agreed to. So that will be in a few weeks. I am struggling! Usually I made decisions quickly and don't look back. These last months I seem entrenched in indecision and doubt.

And now for some levity: today I biked to a tattoo/piercing shop in Boston. Mark was unable to get the nose ring back in last night, after it was out for just 24 hours. Apparently they tighten up very quickly. So I had to have it "stretched" today and replaced the ring with a tiny stud. It hurt! Made my eyes water. I didn't look -- I hope it was sterile!

Goodbye, nose ring!

Here is another image from a photo magazine. I love the lines. It is an aerial view. Trish snapped it with her I-phone. I didn't note the magazine name or the photographer's name. This would be great inspiration for a painting! or collage. Or encaustic.

Mark just took out my nose ring. I am sorry to see it go. I have an interview at the behavioral medicine clinic tomorrow evening, and my friend said it's perhaps best to present myself sans nose ring. If I get hired, perhaps it will make it's appearance again. Mark said he will buy me a diamond stud instead. That sounds good, too. This job sounds like a perfect match between what they need and what I want. I have met one of the directors previously; he used to work for my current employer. I am nervous! It's been many years since I've been on a job interview. About 13 years. I still have a few questions, but my friend Ricardo explained the situation pretty clearly. He and I will talk again tomorrow before the interview, so I can be as well prepared as possible. I am very excited and very hopeful. I think they will make a decision very quickly as they need someone NOW who speaks Portuguese and is interested and trained in mind-body techniques. I have been praying for guidance for months now -- let's see if that mojo magic works!

Aerial

This image is from the cover of a photography magazine. It is an aerial photograph. Many of my paintings have this kind of feel and I will use this as inspiration to create an encaustic piece. Trish invited me to breakfast this morning at their farm. Pancakes, bacon and home-grown figs. They have a greenhouse with a huge bearing fig tree. Isn't that exotic and lovely and unexpected, out here in the country?

I am out West. Arrived late yesterday afternoon. Julie's daughter Renee had her bat mitzvah which I attended at their Reformed temple. I love those ancient ceremonies, the rites of passage. There was a female cantor with an amazing voice, a woman rabbi and a man rabbi. Julie had asked me to take photographs. I almost made a huge faux pas by taking photos inside the sanctuary. I asked a few other attendees sitting behind me but no one seemed to know whether it was allowed or not. When they came around carrying the Torah, I asked the rabbi. He was very clear that taking photos in the sanctuary was forbidden (he was polite but clear). Fortunately I asked permission from the authority and didn't just start clicking away. I just saw Renee last weekend when she and Julie stayed with us on Saturday night and she truly changed from a child to a woman this week. She was poised, competent and beautiful.

I am a little sick with a cold the last few days but nothing serious and hardly worth mentioning. Karen and Sayword and Gayle are going for a 2 hour hike and I will join them. I can't resist outdoor time with good friends! It is absolutely beautiful here. Last night I made the first fire of the season as it got down into the 40's.

Mark stayed in town as he is preparing for his photography show next month and volunteered today to work in communications for the Jimmy Fund Walk.

Marian has invited me to attend her monthly meditation group late this afternoon. It is a Thich Nhat Hanh study group. I will go if I still have any energy!

A few days ago I contacted a former colleague who was a psych intern at my clinic several years ago. He joined a group practice which specializes in mind-body therapies. My timing was perfect as they are actively looking for a Portuguese-speaking clinician, half-time, with an interest in mind-body work. He said that I am the ideal candidate. I am SO excited about this potential. This would really be perfect. I want to work some, to make a little money and to have some structure a few days a week. I have been hesitant to give up my job because I have always loved the cultural/linguistic piece and didn't think I could find that outside the public health system. Ricardo said he is overloaded with cases and they need someone right away. Could it really be this simple? I will know more this week.

Big Leather-Bound Dream Book

Lucy's Lily Pond

I went to see Richard for the second time this morning. Last week I took this train which took a long time, especially since part of the route required transferring to a bus. I rode my bike which was wonderful. It took less than 30 minutes, about as long as it takes to get to work. I went along the river which was just beautiful. It has finally cooled off so it was pleasant -- cool enough for gloves! I brought him a collage-a-day book that I share with Trish. He had said last week that he would be interested in seeing some spontaneous artwork. (I also joked that he can analyze her while he's at it, as we trade off between 2 books which we swap weekly. His comment was -- so you like black? Then I offered him a dream from last night -- he said -- wait a minute, and picked up a big leather-bound book where he must write all his patients' dreams.

I dreamed that I was my younger self, in my 20's, out with a group of friends. I felt very depressed, with a sense of dread and doom. That led to a discussion about depression and my attempts over the years to live as best I can with my painful family history. I am still not 100% committed to doing an analysis with him, but I like him and we have gone into a lot of material over a short amount of time. I will see him again next week.

Yesterday my sister asked if I would take the Angels while she went to a yoga class. I am always delighted to take them. We went to East Boston for El Salvadorean food (they are adventurous eaters), then to an opening at the gallery where Mark and I are both members. We had a blast. They are just delightful. And happy to have a hot meal, given the kitchen situation at home!

"an unworked dream is like an unopened letter"

Tolstoy Estate, Tula District by Mark Natale

JeanZofia sent this most intriguing CG Jung quote: "an unworked dream is like an unopened letter". And the following book recommendation: Jung's autobiography "Memories, Dreams and Reflections". I ordered it and another book of selected writings from the library. I have also pulled "Man and His Symbols" off the bookshelf and on to the active reading pile. And I mean pile. I'm still trying to finish War and Peace and while in Russia started a fat book of Tolstoy's short stories. And then there is the Russian grammar book that I try to get to every day. That definitely doesn't happen! And a few books of Russian fairy tales (in Russian). And yoga and meditation magazines...

I went over to see the Angels last night. I feel for my sister -- the house is totally torn apart with the kitchen and bathroom renovations. No kitchen counters or sink. Or stove. Or dishwasher. Nothing. It is total chaos. She has been cooking at our house for the last few weeks when she can. Hopefully it will be put back together soon. A few months ago I was approached by an art consultant to buy some paintings for a health clinic setting.

Last night I heard from the art consultant who bought one large painting, and commissioned 3 others. She asked me to varnish the painting. I never varnish anything. To my surprise, it looks better with the varnish. The colors are even more vibrant. She also said that her client wants to purchase a second large painting that they looked at previously. Great news!

I continue to think about where I'm going next. My sister asked -- why don't I do a few days of work here in the city rather than out West? Everything is still on the table. I actually have many more professional contacts here. Most people say that private practioners specialize. So now I'm thinking -- what if I work with cancer patients? Maybe I could do some more training in yoga and teach yoga to cancer patients? And run support groups and individual therapy? I could still do some collage workshops if that comes along. Art classes for kids. I am excited and energized as I entertain all these thoughts and options. It does make me a little sad to think about leaving my job. I had a very productive and satisfying day yesterday.

Crepes for the Angels

Tolstoy House, Moscow by Mark Natale

Tonight my sister brought the Angels over for a visit. Her kitchen is under renovation so she is unable to do any cooking. Which is terrible timing, given that they are back to school. They are now in kindergarten, 2nd and 4th grade. It is unbelievable that the youngest is really in "real" school. Some years ago we were in Paris and I brought back a crepe pan. They think it's a huge treat to have crepes for dinner. The first one was too runny so Sasha got that one. Otherwise they came out pretty well. They are all well and happy in their new classrooms. They are all begging to stay overnight so we'll start that, soon. How I love them!

This morning in the dog park I was talking with a friend who is a psychiatrist. He has a lot of mental health contacts out West. Another interesting thing happened as well. A few days ago I told a neighbor about what we were doing in Russia (collaborative collage). This morning he asked if I'd be interested in teaching at the private school where he works. His wife told me that his school has a lot of contacts at Harvard and that they pay well for creative programming. This really might take off! So I'm following up on all these leads and will follow the path that is most energizing.

Sirsasana

Tolstoy House, Moscow by Mark Natale

I have a wonderful clinical supervisor, Paul. We are now into our second year of supervision, but he's been the team director for several years now so we know each other pretty well. I met with him this morning, and shared with him my thoughts of leaving my job at year-end. He was very curious about all that happened in Russia, and very intuitively asked if that could lead to new opportunities. So then I told him about the potential corporate event. (The events coordinator still hasn't gotten back to me one way or the other.) He is totally in support of my plan to leave the clinic and start up a private practice out West. We discussed insurance panels, supervision and other practical details. It was a very positive meeting and I felt a lot of support to move forward in making some big changes.

Last Halloween I seriously injured my left shoulder (non-surgery side). I was with Luke and we were walking with Sasha. She pulled very hard on her leash and I felt something tear. It was extremely painful! I never got it looked at by a doctor or physical therapist but am pretty sure it was a rotator cuff injury. For the last 10 months I have been working on it through daily yoga practice, and finally on Saturday, I was able to do a headstand (sirsasana) for the first time since before the injury. On Sunday I was able to kick up on the more difficult side and it was fine! So that is awesome. It has really been bothering me for a long time, and now it seems almost completely healed. Yet another reason to be grateful for yoga.

"My Analyst"

Tolstoy House, Moscow by Mark Natale

That sounds funny, like a Woody Allen character. "My analyst". Nonetheless, I now have an analyst! Yesterday morning I met for the first time with Richard, a Jungian analyst as well as a practicing pulmonologist! He has a very fancy office, filled with Buddhist statues. The first meeting wasn't any different than with a regular therapist, although he did ask me about my dream life. I -- like many people -- have a few dream themes and he was interested to hear about that. He asked about what I hope to achieve via Jungian analysis. At the end of the meeting, he said that I may not "need" an analysis. I enjoyed him. He was a good listener and intelligent. I think it's a good fit and will see him next week.

My friend Julie and her teen daughter are here with us. They drove out this afternoon to meet with an English chocolate lab breeder and asked me to help them choose theirs today. The pups are 8 weeks old and fall-over adorable. I thought -- shall we get another one? We got back to the house and told Mark that I got one for us, too. He looked shocked until he realized that I was joking.

It is absolutely beautiful here. I woke at sunrise to striated orange and gray clouds on the horizon with huge purple puffy ones higher up. Just amazing. I woke Mark up to take a look. A camera would not do it justice. I met Janine this morning for a long bike ride. We went up some hills so HUGE that we had to walk the bikes. My heart was beating right out of my chest.

I am honing in on my plans. If it works out with Richard, I will enter into analysis. I will stay in my job until the end of the year which will also coincide with finishing The War and Peace Project. Janine has some mental health contacts out here. She will introduce me to a few people. I will look for a private practice situation, perhaps doing weekend and evening hours as there is a higher demand. I'll spend a few days in the city, seeing the Angels and taking meditation class with Narayan and continuing analysis if it seems right. Wow! It's all coming together.

Kande

Tolstoy House, Moscow by Mark Natale

Kande is staying with us this week which makes me very happy! She moved to New Jersey in the summer with her husband and twin toddlers and we're been missing them ever since. She is here to transition the new person into her old job. She moved to southern New Jersey which suffers a dearth of good ethnic restaurants so we plan to eat exotically this week and to see some not-mainstream film!

The transition back to work was actually fine. There is yet another round of resignations. The rest of us wonder -- are we on a sinking ship? It was weird to speak Portuguese again (I speak very little English at work, mostly Portuguese) because Russian kept slipping out. That was disconcerting for me -- and the listener! Yesterday at the dog park I met a Russian woman with a dog named "Tasha", short for Natasha. We laughed about that -- Sasha and Tasha. We spoke a little Russian -- the operative word is "little". It is appalling how slow I am to re-learn this language. It is one thing to study out of a book and a totally different thing to speak to a living person. 

A few weeks ago I met a woman on the street in front of my house. We said a quick hello and based on her accent, I asked if she speaks Russian. "Da". We exchanged numbers and had tried to meet but it didn't work out. I called her yesterday and we have arranged to meet this morning. At least that's what I think! My Russian is so poor! I am hoping that we can meet regularly; she can practice English with me and I can practice Russian with her.


Yesterday I also contacted a Jungian analyst and have an appointment tomorrow morning!


I made a proposal this week to provide a team-building art-based workshop to a huge corporate group. The events company loved the proposal and is pitching it to their client. This is potentially very lucrative. Who knew that doing these fun workshops could have some earning potential? Had I not had the experience in Russia, I never would have made the proposal. Too intimidating. But our workshops were such a hit! The events planner said that they have many requests for this kind of thing but no program to offer -- until we came along. She said she'd get back to us today.

Leaving the "dacha"

by Mark Natale

Mark took this photo as we crossed a bridge from the northeast side of the Kremlin on our way to the arts district, our last day in Moscow.

It is early and we are headed back to Boston. It has been wonderful being here at our "dacha" the last few days. "Dacha" is the word that the Russians use to describe any little (or big) house in the country. It was helpful to be here to recover from jet lag as it is easier to get into the rhythm of sunrise and sunset.

The blueberries are done for the year, although I'll get the last of the stragglers before we go. The tomatoes were a bust (again) but the zucchini, herbs, onions and beans were fantastic. We invited Karen and Sayword for dinner last night and finished off the last of this season's beans. It always makes me a little sad when the garden slows down and finishes. Since my diagnosis, I also sometimes wonder if I will see another garden season. I feel so well and have so much to do, that I believe I will see many more. But yet I live with this small question in the back of my mind.

Yesterday I went for a long bike ride. "Long" is relative. I met up with Janine for the first hour, then did another hour. So it turned out to be just over 25 miles. It was beautiful to ride in the mist.

The first week after Labor Day always feels like a new start. That must be a holdover from student days. Karen and Sayword brought a huge bouquet of flowers from their garden which will grace my meditation table back in the city. So I'll take a bit of the country back with us. As well as a huge harvest basket.