Goodbye 2009

I got up early this morning and was ready to sit for meditation at 7am. For the first time, I sat for an hour straight. There are 6 categories of metta meditation, so it worked out perfectly to do 10 minutes per category (self, teacher, good friend, neutral person, difficult person, all beings). This fall I changed the wording slightly. Now the phrases I use are:

May I be safe and protected
May I be peaceful
May I be fully at ease

I no longer use "happy". "Peaceful" better captures the sense of inner ease.
I no longer use "healthy and strong". It doesn't make sense, given how many of us have health problems.
I no longer use "free from suffering". That's kind of obvious, right? Who is free from suffering?

I was wondering how many people around the globe were sitting with the same intention at the same time. There were at least 2 of us! It gave me comfort and support to envision Jane sitting at the same time.

Mark went snow shoeing with me today. It was snowing lightly, very beautiful. Comfortable temperature, right at 32 degrees. We took the trail by the cemetery. Someone has a great sense of humor. Nailed to a tree we saw a pair of men's Clarks walking shoes. That was right before we found the full-length mirror that is also nailed to a tree. Kind of makes me want to add to the "woods wardrobe" -- what could we add to the collection? A hat? Scarf? We were of course wondering who the shoes belonged to and who had the idea to nail them to the tree?

Mark is traveling to India on business at the end of January for 2 weeks. My next scan was scheduled for the first week of February. I asked The Vixen if I could postpone the scans another week and she's OK with that. So I will be able to take the trip with Mark. This will be my 3rd trip to India. The last one was in 1998 so it's been a long time -- it has changed a lot. We are invited to a wedding which is something I've always wanted to witness. We will be in Bangalore the first week, and are still making plans for the second week.

I managed to do a gift-a-day all month. Yesterday's gift went to my hairdresser Sharon. I made a collage with her specifically in mind. It included maps of Paris, a place she adores. Today's collage went to Paula in LA; I mailed it yesterday. I am now spilling into 2010 as I gave one to Karma yesterday and will give one to Jeff tonight. So if you count the gift to Narayan on 11/30, the 31 days of December plus 2 more, it was 34 days in a row. I wish to say that I will keep on going, but it's time to stop. Until next December. I plan to do this annually. This usually-hard month was really a joy. 2009 closes on a positive note!

All is well.

World Peace Meditation - tomorrow morning!

I spoke with my cousin Jane the other night on the phone and she told me about "World Peace Meditation" so I thought I'd share this.

"Join millions of people around the world as we gather in consciousness on December 31 (noon, Greenwich Meridian Time) to create a space for Peace on Earth.

Be an active part of the "Power of One"

This is an opportunity for you to be apart of a world-wide meditation focusing on PEACE. This is a special time when your presence and consciousness does make a difference.

I took this photo today in an old graveyard while on snow shoes. I love cemeteries -- I always have. They are a good reminder to use our precious time on this earth well.
People from around the world will gather to participate in the most comprehensive prayer activity in the history of our world- a planetary affirmation of peace and love, forgiveness and understanding. Millions of people are involved in a simultaneous global mind link."

I will join Jane in this meditation tomorrow morning. I will sit at 7am Eastern Standard Time which is noon Greenwich Meridian Time. She will sit at 5am as she is in Denver. I have never done anything like this before -- it sounds cool. Metta sure seems like the right practice! I will plan to sit for a full hour, although my usual practice is 30 minutes. What a wonderful way to see out the old year and welcome in the new one.

"Into the Wild"

Here is Sweet Jane, our sexy scarecrow, in her winter colors.

Last night we watched "Into the Wild", a film directed by Sean Penn. It was actually quite good and I've been thinking about it all day. It is the true story of a young man, a recent college graduate, who wanted nothing to do with the normal expectations, i.e. get a professional job, go to graduate school, be responsible to family, state, society in general. He literally gave away everything, cut up his social security card, drivers license, abandoned his car, burned his cash. And hitchhiked to Alaska. He then went off into the wild by himself, completely ill-prepared. What appealed to me about the film was his idealism, which many of us have around that age. I, too, read Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Thoreau. I didn't want to "buy in", "sell out" and work for Corporate America, either. He took it to the extreme. He was crazy, probably. But in a way I admired him. Mark said, "I wonder if idealism killed him?". A thought-provoking film.

It continues to be extremely cold. I went snow shoeing again, by myself. I went out for just 30 minutes -- I figured it would take longer than that to get frost bite. It was 8 degrees.

This evening Lucy invited us to her house which is west of us about 45 minutes. Her grandkids were visiting. We had bonded this summer when we went to Six Flags, and were happy to see each other again. I brought along collage materials so we spent a good chunk of time at her little table in the kitchen, happily working together. Lucy gave me a wonderful gift -- a small stack of used books to use for collage. One was a primer from 1936, an early reader called "From Morning Till Night". Another was in French and entitled "Contes Comiques". The third was "The Functional Line in Painting", published in 1957, and the last entitled "Engineering Drawing", published in 1929.

Mark is taking good care of Daddy-O. He has slowed down significantly since last time we saw him in September. Mark had the brilliant idea of buying some puzzles and games. They have spent hours together at the dining table, putting together a 750-piece puzzle of Times Square. It is good for Daddy-O. He is quite engaged around it.

Lynn's collage

This was Sunday's collage gift which went to Lynn. Lynn and I met in 2002 when Wendy and I co-led a yoga retreat to Brazil. Lynn had been one of Wendy's regular students in Hartford. 8 students, Wendy and I spent a week in the mountains in a magical town called Lencois. After the retreat, everyone flew back to the US other than Lynn and a friend and I. Mark flew down to join us for an additional week on an island off of Salvador, Bahia. The island is called Morro de Sao Paulo. The island doesn't allow vehicles of any kind, so we were met at the ferry by a young man with a donkey. We climbed up into the hills to our pousada behind the donkey, watching our luggage swing side to side in the baskets strapped to the animal.

Monday's gift was a lemon bundt cake which I took to our neighbor AJ, and today's gift was another lemon bundt cake which went to another neighbor Darby and Harriet. AJ bought an enormous truck as we live on an extremely steep dirt road and winters are rough. The last time we were here, he hauled our car up the hill behind his big truck. We were very grateful. Living out here, it's very much about helping your neighbors. Darby is now 91 and I often stop to chat with him and his wife when I walk the road. He has wonderful stories to tell.

So far I have finished 2 War and Peace collages. Only about 798 to go!

I went snow shoeing by myself this afternoon which was a little foolhardy. We almost always get turned around in the woods, even though we've hiked back there for 3 years now. I was almost all the way back home, came to several unfamiliar forks in the trail, and became doubtful. I backtracked a few times. You never really get lost on snow shoes because your tracks are so obvious, but I ended up bailing out and walking out to the road. I lost my confidence about finding my way and didn't want to risk getting lost. It was a disappointment in a sense but otherwise wonderful to be out.

"March" by Geraldine Brooks

I just finished reading this book. One of my guilty pleasures is to drink coffee and stay in bed reading late into the morning. Recently I decided that it would be interesting to read all the Pulitzer Prize-winning books. I had already read the winners from 2008 and 2007, so ordered this one from the library, the 2006 winner. I didn't like it so much initially, maybe the first 20 pages of so. But once I got into it, I couldn't put it down.

Here is the synopsis from the author's web site:

"As the North reels under a series of unexpected defeats during the dark first year of the American Civil War, one man leaves behind his family to aid the Union cause. His experiences will utterly change his marriage and challenge his most ardently held beliefs. Riveting and elegant as it is meticulously researched, March is an extraordinary novel woven out of the lore of American history.

From Louisa May Alcott’s beloved classic Little Women, Geraldine Brooks has taken the character of the absent father, March, who has gone off to war leaving his wife and daughters. To evoke him, Brooks turned to the journals and letters of Bronson Alcott, Louisa May’s father, a friend and confidant of Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau.

In Brooks’ telling, March emerges as an idealistic chaplain in the little known backwaters of a war that will test his faith in himself and in the Union cause as he learns that his side, too, is capable of acts of barbarism and racism. As he recovers from a near mortal illness, he must reassemble his shattered mind and body, and find a way to reconnect with a wife and daughters who have no idea of the ordeals he has been through.

From the vibrant intellectual world of New England and the sensuous antebellum South, March adds adult resonance to Alcott’s optimistic children’s tale and portrays the moral complexity of war, a marriage tested by the demands of extreme idealism, and by the temptations of a powerful forbidden attraction."

We had our heating system replaced a few weeks ago and it is not working, even with Mark's attentions. Fortunately it is relatively warm (it's a downpour the last 12 hours and now the basement is flooded) so the pipes didn't freeze. So he has his hands full trying to manage the situation. My biggest concern is that the rain is washing away the snow so I can't snow shoe today!

Mark's dad is arriving today from New Jersey -- his brother is driving him up. He will be with us all week.

Last night I prepared some supports for the War and Peace project (actually Mark did most of it). I have decided to make each piece 3" x 5". I like the very small scale. He is very exacting whereas I am "close enough". I am very excited about this!

Lulu's collage

This collage went in today's mail to Lulu, my good friend from college. She studied Russian with Christiane and me. Speaking of Russian, I have a new [HUGE] project underway which is inspired by a really cool blog that Lucy told me about:

www.everypageofmobydick.blogspot.com

An artist decided to create a drawing a day for each page of Moby Dick. He uses found paper, not the actual pages of the book.

I am inspired to do the same thing, but using the actual pages of a book in Russian. I will not attempt to produce a daily piece, but will give time and space for this project. I was in the former USSR way back in the Cold War days, in the summer of 1981, studying Russian language through a summer program at the University of Pennsylvania. I bought a 2-volume set of War and Peace. I can barely remember how to count to 10, much less read literature. So I figure this is a good use of this book. I will sequentially use one page to produce a collage. Unfortunately I will only be able to use one side, as I don't want to use photocopies. In any case, each volume is about 7555pages so this will be 750 collages if I can complete this. The first volume starts on page 10 and finishes on page 753. Am I nuts?

Before leaving the city today, Mark and I went to the art store, and I bought enough paper to make 80 collages. I bought 4 tablets Strathmore Bristol vellum paper, each sheet 14" x 17". 20 sheets in each tablet. I want the collages to be consistent in size and each pieces will include a full page from War and Peace. So each piece will be 7" x 6.5". I may start a separate blog for that. No writing, just the images. I am SO excited about this. Making little collages all month has me really fired up about collage. I love working with foreign language so this is a perfect project.

What's next: every page of war and peace. blogspot.com????

Maureen's collage

Merry Christmas!

Mark and I are staying at a wonderful bread and breakfast. There is a fireplace, a jacuzzi tub and a king-sized bed. Good coffee, chocolate-dipped strawberries for breakfast. We're loving this! This has been my best Christmas ever. We arrived at my sister's house mid-afternoon yesterday. My sister and I took a long walk on the beach in the waning afternoon light. The kids had waited for us to decorate the tree. Mark brought his family tradition of Italian food for Christmas eve. He made a wonderful meal. The plate of fancy Italian cookies and chocolate strawberry cake from the bakery rounded it out.

We will spend more time with them today, and will drive back to Boston tonight.

This is Maureen's collage. We met in 1983. It was my first job out of college. We worked for companies that shared office space in Cambridge, Massachusetts. I worked for a consulting company while Maureen was on the road selling software. Maureen loves anything international, hence the old map of Africa. She is transitioning in her career and is hoping to work in international relations again. I sent another collage to Lisa but failed to take a picture of it. Maybe she will take a picture of it so I can post it at some time. We worked with Lisa, too. And Paula, Claude, Lindsay. We are all still friends although far-flung these days.

Deb's collage

Deb was my best friend. We were the tallest girls in the class. Our hometown is Anthon, Iowa. Back in our youth, there were about 700 habitants. It's about the same population today, although now the main street is practically shuttered. We re-connected very recently. I have been in touch with Sally whose husband once had a farming business with my dad. Sally put me in touch with Deb's mom, who put me in touch with Deb.

Last night I heard an interview with Cami Walker, who wrote the book 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life. There is probably a podcast available from NPR affiliate WBUR (Boston). She was on the Tom Ashbrook show, Onpoint. She inspired me to do gift-a-day. I think she has been doing it for several years now -- every single day! It was inspiring to hear her speak and tell her story.

Mark and I will drive to the Cape today to spend Christmas Eve with my sister, her husband and The Angels. We are both in good holiday cheer, laden down with gifts and festive good. Mark made his famous meatballs in tomato sauce last night. I went to an Italian bakery in the neighborhood where I work and got decadent cakes and trays of cookies.. The kids will love this -- so will the adults!

Sue's Collage

This collage represents day 22. My computer is totally out of commission so I was unable to post yesterday. I've got the best and the brightest, aka Mark, working on it. He is totally stumped. Hopefully he can restore everything because I have months of photos on my netbook. I sent this image to Sue yesterday. Sue lives in the Chicago area and is the mother of a good friend who lives here in Boston. My friend bought her one of my paintings for Mother's Day this year. I thought I'd add to her collection of "Lola art".

Yesterday I made final arrangements to work 4 days/week starting the first of the year. To date I have been using a combination of furlough and vacation time for the studio Fridays. My clinic site isn't thrilled about it, but they know my health situation and are happy for me personally, but also wonder how the work will get done. Alas.

Last night I saw a disappointing film, "Up in the Air" with George Clooney. I saw the trailers and thought it didn't look particularly interesting, but thought I'd give it a shot. Don't bother. It was a total Hollywood film. Predictable and vapid. There.

Mark and I both worked today, and are now on vacation until January 4. I spent the evening in the studio which was a most welcome reprieve from the clinic. I made 3 new collages tonight. Yesterday Lucy and I met up for lunch, and went to a plywood supply place on Lynn's recommendation. I got a huge sheet of luan which we calculate will be enough to make over 120 collages. I'm totally enthused about these collages. I love the scale and intimacy of the images.

ariston vinegar

Day 21 and I'm still going strong on the gift-a-day program. Today's gift will go to our neighbor Julie. She often brings us cookies. We are going to go visit her tonight and will bring a small bottle of Ariston vinegar. She is a foodie and will appreciate a very high quality balsamic vinegar. It is the best balsamic on the planet, in my opinion.

I have received many requests for collages so will continue to send out one a day. I'll be in the studio again Wednesday night so will continue to make them.

Tonight was my last prenatal yoga class. I called the coordinator today and left a message that I don't want to continue teaching. It is always hard for me to say "no" and to give something up. I was happy to return to teaching this fall as it represented a return to "normal", i.e. pre-cancer life. While that is true -- I returned more or less to my usual pattern of work and teaching -- I have to admit that my energy isn't what it used to be pre-cancer. I can't do it all anymore. I need more downtime. So given the choice of teaching or going to the studio, at this point art-making is more energy-giving, so I'll go with that inclination. I'll also be starting a weekly meditation class in February and don't want to be out every night of the week.

It's a short week. Mark and I will both work through Wednesday, then will be off through January 3. We'll spend Christmas Eve with my sister and The Angels on the Cape, then will head out West. I think Mark's dad will spend most of the week with us. He is turning 85 and we want to spend as much time together as we can.

Cynthia's collage

Here is Cynthia's collage. It features 1970's pattern tissue. I found a lot of it at a Salvation Army thrift store a few years ago, and even more when we cleaned out Mark's mother's basement a few years ago. Cynthia is a psychologist -- I hope she has fun trying to make meaning out of the various elements. Collage as Rorschach test. Now there's an idea!

Jane sent along this poem in response to yesterday's blog:

Snowshoes

Floating is easy
with them, the netting
of my step hardly touches
the top of our white backyard.
All winter they hung
by the hunting rack, and smelled
of gun oil when I lowered them
in the dark garage. But soft,
and I strapped them on softly
and walk out now where snow
drifts into the woods,
and follow.

Nobody here, but the rasp
of the dried hydrangea
as I brush past, snow
scalloped with animal tracks,
blue inside. At dusk
I glide on soft piles
to the woods' edge, where overhead
Orion is stepping into
his field of cold dust,
the blade laid quietly
on his belt, the light
it threw down ten thousand
years ago just now
beginning to filter
into my father's field.
--Debra Bruce

We had a blast with Shayna again today. We woke to her smiling face at 7:30am as she roused us from sleep. We started in the studio where she industriously worked on a collage that she had started last September, then started to collage a discarded papertowel tube. Mark made her favorite breakfast, pancakes, then we headed outside for another snow shoe, this time with the camera. She has quite a good eye for photography and is adept using the simple digital camera. We went out to the same spot as yesterday. Again, she wanted to sit next to the frozen brook and just listen to the sound of the water. She suggested that next time we bring along a thermos of hot soup and mulled cider. I suggested that we include chocolate as well. She thought that was a most excellent idea.

We met at my brother's house with his wife and Miracles and my sister's husband and other 2 kids. I have never enjoyed a Christmas season as much as this year. Mark and I will work through Wednesday, then will join my sister and her family on the Cape for Christmas eve.

Goodness flows.

Shayna's First Snow Shoe

We picked up Shayna this morning for her first solo overnight with us, and drove out West. She and her younger brother have come with us as a pair, but this is a big step for her. In the car she asked if we could snow shoe -- music to my ears! We barely got settled and had some lunch, and she was raring to go. I thought that it would be too hard, too cold, too whatever. But she totally enjoyed it. We were out for over an hour. It was really cold, about 18 degrees. As we walked, she would say, "let's be quiet and listen to the silence". Or "the rustling leaves sound like wind chimes". She later commented that being in nature is better than any kind of art could ever be. She asked to sit by the mostly-frozen brook so we could relax and enjoy the sound. What a kid! I asked her when she had started to appreciate nature, and she said, "today!". It was a most satisfying outing.

Tomorrow (depending on the severity of the snowstorm coming this way) we will all meet at my brother's house for a pre-Christmas meal. I am so happy that we can be together.

I just finished reading JM Coetzee's "The Life and Times of Michael K". It was published in 1983. It was a challenging book as it was a sad, sad story that book place in South Africa during the civil war. I gave my copy to Lynn yesterday -- a really most excellent read.

If I haven't sent you a collage and you'd like to receive one, let me know! I have about a dozen made and would like to extend the gift-a-day until I reach everyone. How long might that take?

Julie's collage

Here is Julie's collage, my friend from high school. Making these small-scale pieces has been so satisfying. I made 6 more this afternoon while gallery sitting. Lucy kept me company for most of the time, as we sat on the floor of the gallery and played together, making collage. Using other sources, you have unlimited access to ideas and playing with color, text, line, design. In the process of gift-a-day, I have discovered a really wonderful way of art-making. I have been making collage on and off for years, but never on this small, intimate scale. I showed the 6 I made today to Anna, one of the gallery members. She suggested that I put a bunch in our January group show. The members all envcouraged to contribute 1 piece that costs less than $100 and give the money to the gallery as a donation. (BTW, we are also asked to invite our artist friends to contribute work as well that if sold will be a donation to the gallery. If anyone wants to put in a piece, let me know!).

There is a "free store" in the studio building which has been a great resource. Today I found an English-German dictionary which will also be turned into collage.

Lynn joined me in the morning in the studio. The 3 of us had lunch together in a funky little restaurant in the most unlikely of locations. It is right in the middle of Boston Shipyards. I took a lot of photos last time I was there and will post them at some point. We all agreed it would be a wonderful place to explore with cameras.

Tonight Mark has invited an Indian colleague from the Bangalore office to join us for a show at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. Mark has been doing some very good photo work and I am happy to go see a show together. Here is a blurb about what we will see: "Harry Callahan was one of the most innovative photographers working in America in the mid-twentieth century. Images of his wife, Eleanor; passers-by on the street; cityscapes; landscapes; close-ups from nature; multiple exposures; and darkroom abstractions reveal the elegantly spare formalism and lyricism of his style. Callahan's wide-ranging and experimental approach to photography influenced a generation of American photographers, including students at Chicago's Institute of Design where he taught from 1945-61, and at the Rhode Island School of Design where he taught in the 1960s and 1970s. "Harry Callahan: American Photographer" features black- and-white and color photographs that survey major aspects of his remarkable career."

Christiane's collage

I chose this collage for Christiane, aka Strawberry Girl. It is in the mail and on it's way. We studied Russian together in college. I haven't spoken a word of Russian in decades so decided to put my old textbooks to good use -- as collage materials! This week she mailed Mark and I some cool t-shirts that she got on a recent trip to NYC. They have Russian text and images on them -- I have asked her to translate for us -- I am not even able to read a t-shirt at this point! That's kind of sad.

Narayan has given me permission to take her "old yogis" class which starts in February. I just heard today from her assistant. The class meets almost every week from early February until the end of the end of April. She teaches it every season, ie 4 sessions per year. She gave me 2 books to read in preparation: What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula and Seeking the Heart of Wisdom by Jack Kornfield and Joseph Goldstein.

Tomorrow is another studio day. I am so excited to go again. I think that Lynn is planning to go again as is Lucy. Just at different times. My job has been pretty exhausting, trying to get everything done in 4 days. But that's OK -- it's really worth it.

Kathleen's collage

Today's gift went to Kathleen. We have never actually even met. She is a friend of my cousin Jane. They both live in the Denver area. We "met" through this blog! Jane sent her the link many months ago and we're in regular touch. It's funny to think that you can meet people this way.

I rode my bike today in really, really cold air. It was exhilarating. The high was 30 degrees. It was probably about 15 degrees on the ride home tonight. Mark said I was nuts. Our neighbor is a psychiatrist and I saw her as I headed out this morning. I playfully asked, am I crazy for biking in this weather? She said, no, not if you think it's fun. And I DO think it's fun. Much of what I do these days is because I can. I have this fear that at some point I will not have this freedom in my body -- so am taking advantage of it now.

Another Lemon Bundt Cake

This morning I delivered a fresh cake to our neighbors Lisa and her mom Joan. Lisa called tonight to say "thanks" and that she hoped she would get home in time to get some cake -- her kids were very excited and there was a possibility that they would finish it off before she got home. I also re-gifted a piece of jewelry to a colleague at work. This particular piece was really meant for Goldie. When I gave it to her, she was so appreciative. It is the anniversary of her favorite aunt's death, and this aunt had turned her onto jewelry as a kid. The style of this piece reminded her of what her aunt shared with her. So it founds its rightful home.

Today was not an easy one. My job is driving me crazy -- I am very stressed, trying to get everything done while maintaining a full patient schedule. It feels unmanageable. Lucy and I met up briefly at a new vintage store in Cambridge. That was the one bright spot. Other than going Christmas shopping for the Angels after work. That was fun, too.

Today's image was taken in the woods on Sunday. I liked the old oil barrel on it's side with light shining through the holes which were probably made by hunters' target practice.

JeanZofia's collage

I mailed this collage to JeanZofia today. It is a very small piece, maybe 4" x 6".

Tonight I'm baking in preparation for tomorrow's gift -- a cake for my neighbors Lisa and her mom Joan. They drove me many times to radiation last winter. In New England we see our neighbors for about 6 months out of the year. In the winter we all go into hibernation. Sometimes there is even a new baby in the spring that one doesn't know anything about. So baking a cake for them (big family) is a wonderful way to re-connect. I'll deliver it in the morning but we'll see each other Wednesday night.

Today I had a little misadventure on my bike. About 15 minutes from home I heard the back tire pop. It went totally flat immediately. I though -- oh oh. I always make fun of Mark for being overly-prepared for any eventuality; I always wing it and hope for the best. I wasn't laughing today when I had to walk my bike through the streets of Cambridge, calling the clinic to ask someone to look up the closest bike shop. I needed both a new inner tube and tire. I finally got to work 1.5 hours late, sweaty and grumpy.

Next week will be the last prenatal yoga class in this series of 8 classes. I'm questioning whether I want to continue to teach. While I enjoy it, it feels more tiring than energizing. Tonight I just wanted it to be over so I could get home. Of course I felt guilty about that. It pays well but I don't do it for the money. Starting in February I hope to be taking a weekly meditation class with Narayan and don't want to have too many evening commitments. I want time for the studio, going out with friends and of course the Angels.

First Snow Shoe of the Season

Karen and I did a beautiful "shoe" today. We had intended to go for 1 hour but it was more like 2. I had actually forgotten how hard it is! The trail that we usually hike in 45 minutes was closer to 2 hours on snow shoes. Some of the trail was already broken, but much of it was "virgin" so it was effortful -- and wonderful. Last year at this time I was about 1 week into radiation. I was on crutches. It was a hard time. So this year I've even more delighted to be out and about.

I finished Jane's painting this morning and am very happy with it. I won't post an image of it until she actually receives it. I want a nice surprise for her. It will take 7-10 days to dry enough to mail. I also finished a small pair last night. Now I have only blank canvas out here -- it's exciting to start new work.

Our friend Larry who has the organic chocolate company, Taza, has asked us to transport raw milk from the local dairy. He has a few friends who also want to order. It's a fun arrangement. I go to the dairy every Sunday anyway and will meet Larry on the drive home. It's a great way to support our local farm community as well as provide access to our city friends.

Today's gift will go to Deborah who lives close to the dairy. Mark is shoveling off the truck so we can get across the valley using the 4-wheel drive. At the ceramics show on Friday I bought a tiny piece that was called a "salt jar". I found beautiful pink salt at the Indian grocery called "black salt". Deborah is big on aesthetics and I think it will be beautiful.

"Nadirs"

I am almost finished reading "Nadirs" by Herta Muller who just won the Nobel Prize in Literature. The title kind of fit my energy level today which was extremely low. I had high intentions of taking the first snow shoe of the season, but instead spent much of the afternoon on the couch reading Merta Muller. It is a short book, her first, about 120 pages. It is grim. She tells the story of her childhood in a non-linear narrative. There is no "plot line". It is part memory, part fantasy, always bleak and brutal. She grew up in a German-speaking village in Romania under the dictatorship. She emigrated to Germany in the late 1980's. I wish I read German to have a better sense of her use of language.

Every once in a while I email with Patricia Walden, one of my Iyengar yoga teachers. In the world of yoga, she is a rockstar. She told me that she prays every day for me (I love knowing that people pray for me). She is leaving for her annual pilgrimage to Pune, India, tomorrow to study with BKS Iyengar who just turned 91. She said that she will ask him about a sequence for me. I was very touched that she would offer that. She says she'd like to get together once she gets back next month. Mr. Iyengar has many years of experience in "medical" yoga -- I'll be curious to see what he recommends.

This afternoon Jeff and Karma stopped by after spending the day with their horses. They were the recipient of today's gift. Our neighbor Karen turned us onto the best balsamic vinegar in the universe. I just ordered a gallon plus some gift sizes. The web site is www.aristonoliveoil.com

8 inches of fresh snow

This picture was taken a few weeks ago. We arrived out West tonight -- to find 8 inches of fresh snow on the ground. Let snow shoe season begin! Can't wait to get out on them tomorrow.

I had another wonderful Friday. I slept in, did my practices, then picked up Chris. She suggested that we go to the Harvard University ceramics show on the way to the studio. They had some wonderful pieces. I did a little holiday shopping. We shared food for lunch, then went our separate ways. Lynn spent most of the day with me. We had a really good time. She worked on an acrylic painting and finished a collage. I finished a floorcloth, several collages and made good progress on a relatively new oil painting. The day flew by. I picked up Ashley at her place, and we drove to meet Mark at his office. We had dinner together at a tacky Chinese/Japanese place that we all love.

A really, really good day. I was talking to a friend at work yesterday who is starting a group for chronic disease management. They will address diet, exercise, spirituality. She said she wishes that she could bring me in as the poster child for self-care. Given this diagnosis, I feel lucky in a way that I now have an extended period of time of good health. For how long, who knows, but right now I feel strong, happy, healthy. I have this opportunity to live just the way I want, to focus on what matters, to let go of so much nonsense. Like the Shakespeare play, "Much Ado About Nothing". Her mother died of cancer a few years ago, but did not have much time between diagnosis and when she got sick. She died really soon after diagnosis. It was just a matter of months. So given that we will all die of something dreadful, I am very appreciative of this good run right now.

I love working less and spending more time in the studio.

Today's gift went to Chris. She loves red cadmium oil paint. I bought her a very small tube of artist-grade professional paint. She loved it. She has many images on her blog site: www.aredstudio.blogspot.com. You can see how much she loves red!

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Mark and I went to see this film tonight. I thought it was the worst thing I've seen in years. I went because 1) I'm a member of an independent movie theatre and see almost everything they show and 2) I have always loved Nicholas Cage. Mark liked it, actually. He thought that the Nicholas Cage character was really believable. And he loved the ending -- the dirty cop was saved from starting his addiction again by a man whose life he had saved.

Today's gift went via international mail to Irene in Brazil. I can't say what it is in case she is reading this -- I'd like some element of surprise!

I rode my bike all over today, commuting to work then running some errands on the way home. I am really enjoying this winter biking thing. I wonder how deep into the winter season I will be able to continue?

Tomorrow is a studio day. I am very excited!

Karla's collage

Another advantage of making all these collages is that I won't run out of images anytime soon. Here is Karla's collage which I gave to her on Sunday. Karla recently got engaged and defended her PhD in theoretical physics. I casually asked her about her topic, and within 2 sentences I couldn't follow what she was describing. I don't even know the basics of physics. For example, if you drop an object -- does it fall at the same rate? So it would be completely pointless to try to read her thesis. But how impressive is that? She liked this image because it reminded her of birds.

An unremarkable day. I am having a hard time getting through my lists of things to do at work since I'm there just 4 days/week. No one has cut back on their requests so even though I'm cutting my time by 20% -- the work continues to pile up and I am overwhelmed. That's OK, I guess. No one has complained yet.

Today I received a beautiful gift in the mail from JeanZofia. She is a photographer and jeweler. She sent very funky earrings that she made. They are long but light, made of silver wire with many tiny precious stones. I will need to wear all black to do them justice.

Tonight I was at a bi-monthly meeting at the gallery in East Boston. I would have preferred to spend the time making more collages, but the meetings aren't very often.

Rosemary's collage

Rosemary attended Kande's baby shower at my house on Sunday. Here is the collage that I gave her. She was drawn to it because she loves flowers and music. She also discovered that it included a map from Morocco which she appreciated. I'm not much of a baker, but tonight I'm making a lemon bundt cake for a friend, tomorrow's gift receiver. Lemon bundt cake is about the only thing I know how to bake, but it's really yummy.

I have been writing about myself adnauseum for over a year now. I don't mind sharing/exposing my own story. I try to be sensitive not to expose anyone else. Today I learned about a dear friend's recurrence of breast cancer. I will say very little about it as it's not my story to tell. The diagnosis is still unfolding. I am holding her in the light and she has moved to the top of my prayer list. She is also getting regular metta. Hearing this news takes me back to last fall as my own story was unfolding. I have begun to think again about the incidence in the US. How is it that 1 in 7 women get this disease, and in some areas it is 1 in 4? Sometimes I can't believe that we're not marching in the streets, demanding some answers.

This came from tricycle.com email this morning:

The peace of metta (lovingkindness) offers us the kind of happiness that gives us the ability to concentrate. Serenity is the most important ingredient in being able to be present or being able to concentrate the mind. Concentration is an act of cherishing a chosen object. If we have no serenity, the mind will be scattered, and we will not be able to gather in the energy that is being lost to distraction. When we can concentrate, all of this energy is returned to us. This is the potency that heals us.

- Sharon Salzberg, Lovingkindness

Metta to all of us with breast cancer -- with any kind of cancer -- with any disease, injury, emergency, health situation. One of the founders of Sivananda Yoga said, "health is wealth".

Margie's collage

As of today I have joined the demented crowd of winter bikers. It snowed a lightly yesterday so there is a little snow and ice on the streets. I didn't get any exercise over the weekend (other than dancing like a madwoman at the Donkey Show) so decided to try winter biking. Mark is kind of like a Boy Scout, always prepared, so he was able to outfit me with just the right clothing. I am more like a cowboy -- unprepared -- and grateful that Mark has so much gear that he is willing to lend me. It was just above freezing, so it's all about wind protection. The get-up included a facemask. It was fun! I rode to work, then to teach, then home.

Today's image is of the collage I gave Margie on Friday. She chose this one because she works in finance and likes numbers, and is a music enthusiast as well. Mark has gotten very sophisticated with his new camera and is able to provide very good images of my art work. I am really enjoying the gift-a-day.

I gave a collage to Rosemary yesterday, and she wrote today to thank me and to say that she will do gift-a-day for the 12 days of Christmas. It's magic!

Kande's Shower and collage

Kande is 32 weeks pregnant with twins. I say a prayer for her every morning, may she keep the babies inside until they are big and strong enough. I co-hosted a shower for her this morning, along with our friend Sadia, who is on the west coast. We had a small gathering, intimate and warm. I felt honored to be able to host such a happy event. One fun thing we did is that everyone was invited to bring unwanted jewelry or accessories to swap. I picked up some wonderful pieces! The funny part is that I was left with a big pile of everyone's unwanted stuff. People were more interested in cleaning out their shelves than adding to it, I guess. I'll take it to work. Workplaces are always a great place for extra food, so why not accessories? I bought onesies and fabric paint, thinking that we would each paint one or two. This crowd wasn't into it! So we didn't do that.

This gift-a-day project is quite fun. Yesterday I brought Vanessa a small painting. She moved into a new apartment so it was also a house-warming gift. I kind of got ahead of "schedule" today -- I gave a small to collage to Rosemary, Karla and Kande. That should take care of it through Tuesday!

So The Donkey Show... it had a 6-year run off-Broadway, and was brought to the American Repertory Theatre this summer. Vanessa and I walked in last night to what felt like a 1970's disco. There were 4 absolutely gorgeous male dancers in crazy costumes, glitter everywhere, dancing on mini stages scattered throughout the dance floor. Every so often they would pull an audience member up to dance with them. These guys could really dance. Many people in the audience dressed in 70's outfits so it was initially hard to tell who was cast and who was partying. The show is a reproduction of "A Midsummer's Night Dream" but the dialogue and plot were entirely through the music. There were very few spoken lines. If you didn't know there was a "show" within the dancing, you wouldn't pick up a story line, much less identify it as Shakespeare. Vanessa said that "Bill" would have been proud. There was a lot of gender-bending going on. It was the most memorable theatre experience for me, ever. I often feel that I "should" like theatre but honestly it has never really moved me much. I never remember what I've seen. This show, however, will remain fresh. Vanessa and I danced all night until they shut us down. It was a blast and I would go again -- only next time I'd want to dress up.

It was wonderful to be with Narayan yesterday. It was a benefit workshop (my job reimburses for trainings); a chance to be with Narayan; and an enjoyable way to get continuing education credits which I need for my social work license. One of the students asked Narayan and Stephanie about Mark Epstein's book, "Open To Desire: Embracing A Lust For Life Using Insights From Buddhism And Psychotherapy". Neither the student nor Stephanie understood a part of the book where Dr. Epstein was talking about the "left hand path". I don't think that Narayan had read the book, but she gave a brilliant teaching. She said, "left hand, right hand, no hands, both hands; it doesn't really matter. We simply need to make space for all experience." With that she pressed her hands together in namaste, and bowed. That blew me away. It reminded me of the Buddha teaching where he didn't say anything, but simply held up a flower. According to the tradition, many monks became enlightened by that teaching. She really is something special.

Dharma and The Donkey Show

Today was a day of extreme contrast. I spent the day at the meditation center, attending a workshop co-taught by Narayan entitled "Desire: Working with the Fire". At the mid-day break I walked to Harvard Square and bought a pair of Doc Martens boots and theatre tickets to The Donkey Show which I saw tonight with Vanessa. Each event deserves some description. Just not tonight -- it's very late and I must get ready for the baby shower I'm hosting tomorrow at 11am. What a full, blessed life.

Studio Day

What a wonderful day. This morning I thanked Mark for helping make it possible for me to spend less time at my job and more time at the studio. It was so delightful to get home late from yoga class last night and know that I didn't have to get up at 6am this morning.

The studio was buzzing with activity today. I picked up Chris on the way over there. She is back from her trip to Taiwan. I took many pictures of her with some amazing ink paintings on scrolls that she made on her trip. She gave a length of the same rice paper and encouraged me to work with ink as well. That's part of what's so cool about being with other artists, the opportunity to share new work, materials, ideas. I gave her a few of the bingo cards that I am collaging. She said that her former teacher John Walker from Boston University did a show using hundreds of bingo cards which he painted on. Who knew?

Lucy came over to work in the studio, too. She was working on her 'artist book'. She is also doing the gift-a-day thing this month and she brought me a necklace that she got in Brazil. We were joking about "the rules" of gift-a-day. Can you repeat a gift to the same person? What if you give 2 gifts in one day -- does that count for 2 days? What if you are giving something already anyway, like a birthday gift? I think that we are really both enjoying the process. I stayed there until after 8pm. A long, wonderful day immersed in creativity.

Tonight when I got home I called my neighbor Margie to see if I could stop by. She has been amazingly supportive. Over the course of last fall and winter, I would frequently find a card or gift on the back porch which she had left for me. One time she made us homemade chicken pot pie. Those gestures make a world of difference. I wanted to make sure to give her one of the little collages. So she invited me over for a short visit. That's the best thing about this gift-a-day project -- it makes me think about someone different each day, and is a way to connect. And it's only day 4!

Mark is in New Jersey this weekend. His dad is not doing well so he and his brother might need to make some hard decisions in the near future.

Pink Roses for Peentz

Tomorrow is Shayna's birthday; she turns 8. I went over to see The Angels tonight and to deliver her birthday gift. She asked for a journal (kind of like auntie!). My sister also said that she needs socks -- she seemed pretty psyched about both. She said that maybe she won't do a word journal, but an artist journal. Go Shayna! It is so cliche, but it's hard to believe how fast they are growing up. She was busy making cookies to share with her 2nd grade class tomorrow.

After that I went to a yoga class with Peentz. She was working on hip openers which was challenging for my right side. She knows my entire medical history so I felt safe pushing myself a little. I have been out of the community for so many years that I don't know anyone who takes her classes anymore, other than her assistant teacher. She was today's gift recipient. I brought her a perfect pomegranate and a bouquet of pink roses. She asked me why, and I said that I've known her for 15 years and have brought her a gift only once. I am enjoying this gift-giving thing.

Tomorrow is my studio day. Yippee!

She Wants Her cup of Stars

Here is a painting I finished over the weekend. The title is "She Wants Her Cup of Stars". It is 24" x 24". The title is from a line in a book by Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House". The book was published in 1959. There was an article about the author in the Wall Street Journal around Halloween. She is known for writing about haunted houses and such. I almost always lift titles from other sources, not my own imagination.

Today I had my monthly visit at the Dana Farber. The Vixen and the nurse practicioner Anne trade off visits with me each month. This month was with The Vixen. She is as radiant as ever. Today's gift(s) went to each of them, a chocolate treat from Taza. I think we spend about half the visit talking about chocolate. Everything is fine. We agreed to postpone my next scan until February. She says I'm doing well and as I'm not too keen on getting scanned, we've agreed to every 4 months rather than the usual protocol of 3 months. She has also agreed to hold the Zometa to once every 3 months rather than every month. No new information. She said that 95% of people with my diagnosis will have a recurrence of cancer, most likely in the bones, but that there's a small chance that it might never come back. If I get as far as 5 or maybe even 3 years, she will stop treatment. I liked the sound of that.

I'm heading off to see a film, "Precious". If my energy holds up, I will go to the meditation center tonight to watch the vow-taking ceremony.

Chance

I continue to ride my bike to work. It's getting quite cold -- now it's just the crazy ones who brave the wind and early darkness. I actually find it exhilarating and hope for dry weather -- I don't do it when it's wet. I'm not that hard-core.

Today I met up with Lucy for lunch. She was the recipient of my first month-of-gifts. Isn't that kind of fitting? I gave her a tiny collage that I made over the weekend. The support is 1/3 of an old bingo card. It's about 5 inches on each side. Here is an image of it.

We went to an organic chocolate factory, Taza, in the neighborhood. One of the owners is a friend, Larry. We both loaded up on chocolate treats gift. I bought a case of guajillo chili bars. Lucy is also going to do the gift-a-day this month. She read about the woman in the New York Times today who came up with 29gifts.org. I told my prenatal yoga students about it last night -- mostly I got blank stares. They must think I'm nuts!

Tonight I went to visit my god-daughter Lilah. She turns 1 on Saturday. I brought her the cutest little outfit. Her mom Vanessa said she wished that they made a grown-up size of the shirt.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with The Vixen. Just the regular monthly visit. I'll get scanned next time. Oh boy.

Yellow Tulips

I took many photos in the woods yesterday --

Tonight I taught prenatal yoga, then had an interview with Narayan. I brought her Lindt chocolates and yellow tulips. She seemed to welcome the gifts. I'm off to a great start on my month of gifts (which formally starts tomorrow). She was eager to hear about how things have been post-retreat. I described the experience of "just sitting" without needing an anchor. She described that as the Middle Path -- not sleepy, no agitated, just being fully present. There is a Pali term she used which I can't recall just now. Samitha something... she said that I am getting ready to shift away from concentration practice (metta) and into insight practice. For now I'll stick with practice as is, but am open to learning a new practice. Metta has served me very well yet I am excited about the prospect of a different way to work.

As far as the 'old yogis' class, she said that she wants to think about it some more. It doesn't start until February. She does a retreat every January in Myanmar. If she allows me to do it, she will want me to read up on some Buddhist basics and will give me a reading list. I may see a lot of her this week. Wednesday she is offering an opportunity for community members to take vows/precepts. I am not ready to make a formal commitment at this time, but all are welcome to watch the ceremony. I also plan to spend Saturday at the Center; she is offering a continuing education program with a psychologist. I need CEU hours anyway, and what better way to support the Center, spend time with Narayan, and meet my work requirements all at the same time.

Brambles and Roses

Today I went for a walk in the woods with our friend and neighbor Karen. She had knee surgery a few months ago, and yesterday was her first real hike. Today wasn't meant to be an adventure; it just turned out that way. She wanted to take me on a new trail, so we were headed for the waterfalls and it was quite lovely until the last part. Like characters in "Lord of the Rings" where the trees became animated and grabbed people walking by, we had to battle it out with wild rose bushes and other kinds of vines. We came home breathless and quite bloody. I love hiking with her because she knows so much about the animals, the plants, the history of the area. Definitely a memorable hike.

The first image is kind of interesting. On one of the trails, we came across a full-length mirror fastened to a tree. So I took a picture of us in the mirror.

This week it's back to work. It was so lovely not working much at all. However, it will be a 4-day week for me. How great is furlough!

"Women Riders Who Could... and Did"

Check out Karma's new book! Tonight Mark and I had dinner with Karma and Jeff, and Lucy and Rick. Karma has just published her second book entitled "Women Riders Who Could... And Did". I got my copy hot off the press tonight. Her web site is www.hucklehillpress.com. Karma is a horsewoman, author, psychotherapist, life coach, blogger and a very cool gal. I am looking forward to reading this book.

I spent much of today in the studio, working on tiny collages that I will use for the 31 gift days of December. I finished 9 since yesterday with a few still in process.

"Your Love's Been a Long Time Coming"

Here's a picture of Julie and me last Friday at the opening reception of "RED". We're standing in front of my painting, "Music of a Mild Day".

Mark and I drove from the Cape last night to the city, and today out West. I haven't been here in a while so it seems especially beautiful. I just got back from a 4 mile walk, at sunset. Actually after sunset. I ran into a neighbor with one of those yippy little dogs. I would have been startled had the dog not started to yelp. The colors are wonderful as it's wet and quite overcast.

Mark bought me an i-pod last year and I sometimes take it along when I walk alone. Like most people, my i-pod has a wide range of music. A love song came on by Elvis Presley, "Your Love's Been a Long Time Coming". It goes, "the first time I saw you, I knew I was hooked on someone other than me... such a wonderful feeling that I'd never felt before...your love has a hold on me... ". Listening to the words, I thought, wow, that's how I feel towards Narayan. I've heard of strong, even devotional feelings towards one's spiritual teacher. I now understand what that means! When I sit in meditation and work with metta towards her, I remember the walking meditation period when she and I were in the hall together last Sunday. She walked slowly, gracefully, beautifully. It was inspiring to share the space with her. It is a beautiful image to work with.

A Hint for Today

Here is a picture I took of Tilla last week. Can you see the resemblance? Whenever we are together, people ask if we are sisters and sometimes ask if we are twins. She has a beautiful German accent, so I wonder if that wouldn't clue someone in right away? We went to a gallery opening last week in my studio building in East Boston.

Here is a piece from tricycle.com that came this morning:

Pausing When We Eat

Here are some methods for helping yourself to slow down your eating by creating pauses:

1. Pause before beginning the meal. Look at each item of food, taking it in with the eyes. Notice colors, textures, shapes, arrangement on the plate or bowl.

2. Take a moment to say grace. Thank the animals, plants, and people who brought this food to you. Be aware of their gifts as you eat.

3. Begin the meal by pausing to inhale the fragrance of the food. Imagine that you are being nourished by just the smell.

4. Eat food like a wine connoisseur tastes wine. First sniff the food, enjoying the
bouquet. Then take a small taste. Roll it around in the mouth, savoring it. What ingredients can you detect? Chew slowly and swallow. Take a sip of water to cleanse the palate. When the mouth is empty of food and flavor, repeat the process.

5. If you notice that you are eating without tasting, stop and pause to look at the food again.

-Jan Chozen Bays, "Mindful Eating," Tricycle, Summer 2009

I woke up rather late this morning, to find my aunt cheerily preparing the turkeys for the oven. I am so grateful to be able to spend this "quality time" with her. It has opened the door for normalized relations with my uncle, and therefore full access to all family events again. Now that is a blessing.

With Auntie

It is so sweet to be with my aunt. We have been having a wonderful time. She is quirky and likes to laugh, mostly at herself. It is cold and rainy here on the Cape, yet she is eager to venture out on bikes. I took many pictures today. We make our way through the day, thoroughly enjoying just being together. I am happy that I have reconciled enough with my uncle that I can be in the house. I really think that sending him metta for the last 18 months has made this possible.

Tomorrow the rest of the family shows up. We spent much of today shopping and cooking.

Meditation practice definitely feels different after the weekend. I seem to have the option now to focus on metta, or to rest in open awareness with very few thoughts. I have an interview with Narayan on Monday and will ask her about the shift in the practice.

Big Belly Yoga

Here is an image that Kande sent a few days ago. We were practicing yoga together a few weekends ago. She is 28 weeks pregnant with twins! Last night I taught the sequence that she shared with me. In 2 weeks I am hosting a baby shower for her.

It has been lovely to be with my aunt. She slept over last night and we spent all day together. Her medical appointment went well. Her thyroid is fine but the parathyroid is enlarged and should be removed in the near future. I wonder if there is some genetic component? I had never heard of parathyroid disease before, and now we both have it. I'm glad that I went with her as I was able to ask informed questions. I think she found it really helpful. It's quite intimate to go to a medical appointment with someone -- I learned a lot about her that I didn't know before today.

We drove to the Cape, and are in the house with Uncle. So far so good. We went out to dinner and veered onto the subject of Fox News but he himself suggested that we talk about something other than politics. I think that we all want to be in peace.

Looks like Thanksgiving will be here as my cousin's son has fallen quite ill with an extremely high fever. My brother's son is also not doing well and will go to the hospital for some sort of scope tomorrow. So attendance may be spotty. I am happy to be here. I'm a little nervous, but it's where I want to be. Mark will drive down tomorrow or Thursday early in the day.

My aunt and I had an interesting discussion today about spirituality. I was a little self-conscious sitting in meditation with her in my house this morning. I thought she might get weirded-out. She was curious about the 2-day retreat with Narayan so I shared some of what happened. She has a strong prayer practice but very Christian-based. We were able to come to a nice mutual understanding about the need for clear-seeing which leads to the development of wisdom.

Startled by God

Lulu gave me a book of poetry by Hafiz a few weeks ago. The image is a painting of him by Mahmud Farschian which I took from Wikipedia. I love rituals so my new one is to read a poem every morning before meditation. Here is the one I read this morning:

Startled by God

Not like
A lone beautiful bird
These poems now rise in great white flocks
Against my mind's vast hills
Startled by God
Breaking a branch
When His foot
Touches
Earth
Near
Me

I think the retreat really fueled my practice. This morning I started with metta, but towards the end was able to sit with a quiet mind. I didn't need the anchor of metta to hold onto. My mind felt very quiet and peaceful with an occasional thought bubbling up. I know that this, too, will pass. But it is a lovely phase.

Going back to work was a rude awakening after a silent weekend. At the mental health team meeting we discussed several cases of suicidal patients. All day long, being with people in various levels of distress. I thought -- that's why it's called a "retreat". I taught prenatal yoga tonight, and now my aunt is here with me. A very long day.

Tomorrow I will take her to a medical appointment. She has to have her parathyroid biopsied. I don't think she is particularly nervous about it. It is an honor to go with her; someone always went with me to my appointments, so it feels good to be able to give back in that same way.

A friend called today with a need for repeat mammogram. I told her that she shoots to the top of my prayer list.

Silent Retreat, day 2

I did it! I completed both days! What an amazing experience. I will be writing about this for days. Perhaps most surprising of all, I followed every single rule. Typically there is an acting-out child/teen that does not like to follow rules. This time, however, I did everything as requested. I remained totally silent other than talking with Narayan. It was actually quite restful in a way -- you realize how much energy you expend by interacting with others constantly.

Narayan offered me a second interview today which was most welcome and most unexpected. Typically they meet with each student once only. I proposed that we write a book together! This idea has been popping up over the course of the last several months. I thought -- if I don't ask her, she will not have the option to turn it down. She listened to my "pitch" and seemed intrigued by the idea. My basic idea is a question and answer format between an amazing teacher (her) and a serious student with a very bad medical prognosis (me). I would basically ask her ask her questions about practice, the path, all that, from the point of view of one who needs instruction - now. I said, "kind of like Tuesdays with Morrie". To my great surprise, she said that she had actually been Morrie's teacher and had been on Nightline TV with him. She didn't say "no" outright and said she'd think about it. This is probably a nutty idea but I thought it was worth putting it out there to her. The argument she liked the best is the dearth of dharma books written by women, when the majority of students are women. We need her voice out there!

I really think that the world needs to hear her message. Listening to her speak over the last 2 days is like balm to my soul. Her words bypass the mind and even the heart -- she goes right to the core of you.

The second to last sitting I had a remarkable experience. I was able to sit without "practicing" anything, without what they call an "anchor" such as the breath, the body, metta, sound. My mind was really quiet. Every once in a while I'd think -- gee, awfully quiet in here. It was so incredibly peaceful. I couldn't believe it. It never occurred to me to try working like that. Michael was talking about it which is what gave me the idea. I was also quite tired and couldn't muster up the energy for any more metta. So that was a huge breakthrough.

I will work tomorrow, then will take the rest of the week off. I'll be on the Cape with my aunt for a few days. Let's see if all this metta for my uncle really holds water!

Day 1, Silent Retreat

I did it! I sat my first retreat. Today was a 12-hour day. More or less, we alternated between sitting for 45 minutes, and walking for 30 minutes, all day and all evening. We were served lunch, then tea/snack at 5:30. We each also had a "yogi job", a small housekeeping task. My job was to wipe down the tables after lunch and stack the chairs on top so the next person could clean the floor. I biked over and back. For having done "nothing" all day, it was incredibly rich. I had a brief interview with Narayan (everyone had a 10 minute interview with either Narayan or Michael).

I'll reflect more on this over the next few days. Tomorrow is 9am til 6pm so I want to make sure to get to bed as soon as I can. Mark has already gone out West so I'm by myself the rest of the week until we meet at my cousin's on the South Shore on Thursday for Thanksgiving.

It's quite interesting to sit in silence for an extended period of time. Meditation really is an incredible opportunity to know yourself. What a trip, to watch your mind, your feelings. your body. Cool. It was arduous and challenging. But really quite wonderful. We were warned, however, not to get "attached" to any one experience. It could be a totally different story tomorrow -- and probably will be! But I'm eager to watch it unfold.

"Red"

I took this picture on Wednesday. It is the back gate of Mass Art. I thought it was a lovely silhouette against the November sky.

I could hardly sleep last night -- I was so excited about today. I spent most of the day in the studio. There is a "free store" in the building. Someone had left dozens of small pieces of wood and masonite that will be perfect for mini-collages. I gesso'd a bunch of them. Perfect for my December gift-a-day project. I worked steadily, taking just enough time to eat in the studio. In the late afternoon I met up with Claire -- we haven't seen each other in some months.

Then it was onto the opening reception of "Red", the juried show I got into. Julie (high school friend) surprised me when she turned up; Vanessa and her friend Sarah also came; and of course Mark. We were a fun five-some -- I always enjoy looking at art with a group, as each one has their own view and provides a rich discussion. We then went out for a meal after the show.

It has been a long, wonderful day. I also got a very short haircut so I'm feeling sassy.

Tomorrow is the long first day of the meditation retreat. I am looking forward to spending the day with Narayan. I am somewhat hesitant, but I think that's normal to feel a little intimidated by such a new and intense experience.

Think bigger Please

I took this picture yesterday as Mark and I walked through the city. I remember not so long ago when it was expensive to develop photographs so you were careful about how many you took. Nowadays it is so fun to click, click, click away. I have started carrying my little camera everywhere. My new motto is that if something looks even somewhat interesting visually, take it.

The weather continues to hold so I bike to work regularly. It felt like I zipped right home tonight -- I think I'm definitely in better shape than at the beginning of the season. In fact I didn't really ride in earnest until after the parathyroid surgery in late August. Before that I didn't have any juice in me to even ride that far. Riding in the dark is kind of a thrill. Some people won't bike in the city -- I find it exhilarating. This morning I thought -- what would The Vixen say about it? She told me last winter that she will kill me if I get hurt doing something else. Does biking in the city count?

Tonight I had dinner at Tilla's. She is my German "twin". Whenever we are together, people inevitably ask if we are sisters or even twins. We haven't seen each other in some months, and it was good to reconnect. She served salad with the last of her seasonal greens, mache and arugula. After dinner with her kids, we went to Third Thursday at the gallery in East Boston. We got there rather late but were able to hang out with some friends. One of them, Joanie, is an art professor/painter. I was asking her about low-residency MFA programs. She suggested that I apply to a few schools including Art Institute of Boston and University of Vermont. I still have a lot of research to do.

Tomorrow will be a studio day. I am very excited to be out of the clinic and in the studio.

Celebrating Mark

We have had a wonderful day together, and we're not done yet! Mark gets all the credit for our "itinerary" today. We started with coffee, of course. We sat in meditation together, then headed over to Roxbury to a place called Haley House Cafe. It is quite an interesting place. The cafe is just one of their many community-based projects. Here is what else they do:

Live-In Community: Meeting Haley House's constant need for willing hands and hearts, the residential community consists of four to nine people who—in exchange for managing a variety of Haley House services—receive free room and board on the upper floors of 23 Dartmouth Street. The community members spend their days living simply, engaging with our guests, and challenging the attitudes, institutions, and structures that create suffering and violence.

Soup Kitchen: Serving 45,000 meals per year, Haley House opens its doors to men in the mornings and to elder women and men in the afternoons. The Soup Kitchen emphasizes fresh produce and whole grains, but also provides much-needed friendship and social space for those who face the daily isolation of life on the streets, and for elders who spend many long days alone at home.

Food Pantry and Clothing Room: Recognizing that many families and elderly individuals struggle to make ends meet, Haley House offers a weekly Food Pantry to fight persistent hunger. The Food Pantry not only distributes canned goods, it also offers fresh vegetables to those for whom they are least available and affordable. Haley House also keeps a supply of donated clothing that we make available to our guests.

Affordable Housing: Haley House owns and manages 112 units of beautifully renovated and well-maintained low-income housing in the South End. Offering permanent and affordable housing to the elderly and others of limited means continues our long-standing tradition of maintaining a diverse neighborhood that enriches all who live in it.

Bakery Café: Located at 12 Dade Street in Dudley Square, the Haley House Bakery Café was created in 2005 in response to the neighborhood's desire for healthy, made-from-scratch food to be enjoyed in a warm, vibrant setting. Fairly traded products like organic coffees and teas promote global justice; our nutritious food celebrates the rich ethnic diversity of Roxbury's urban village; and our business model promotes socially responsible practices.

Bakery Training Program: Started in 1996 as a way for homeless men to earn an income, the bakery training program offers six months of paid instruction in basic baking and foodservice skills. Graduates gain the education they need to achieve economic independence while helping to produce the delicious food and baked goods sold at the Café and the Haley House corner shop, as well as through our catering business.

Youth Culinary Classes: In 2005, Haley House began partnering with the McKinley School to provide at-risk students with basic domestic food-preparation skills in order to help them on the road to independence. Our chef at the Bakery Café also offers youth cooking classes structured around more specific issues such as obesity and interethnic understanding. Our culinary classes are a unique way to develop mentoring relationships with at-risk youth, while also teaching them a vital life skill.

The Corner Shop: Envisioned as a way to interface with our neighbors in the South End, the Haley House Corner Shop is located on the ground floor of our 23 Dartmouth building and serves as a retail outlet for the delicious muffins, scones, and pies created by bakery trainees at the Dudley Square Café.

Noonday Farm: Farming organically since 1984, Noonday Farm distributes 6,000 pounds of produce annually to those in need, and provides many of the fresh vegetables and free-range eggs we serve in our soup kitchen and café. It also introduces volunteers and others visitors to sustainable living practices. Noonday's location in Winchendon Springs, MA also offers a natural and most welcome respite to harried city dwellers.

Earthworks Orchard Care: We are currently partnering with Earthworks, a local non-profit, to care for fruit trees on public land throughout the city of Boston. We periodically organize groups to prune, harvest, and do other tree-related tasks. The organic fruit from the trees we care for is donated to the Soup Kitchen, and used in the Bakery Café.

We are definitely going to add them to the list of places that we financially support.

After that we went to the Christian Science Center and took a the tour of the Maparium. The last time I was there was probably 30 years ago. It is a must-see Boston thing.

We drove home, then went out on foot. We walked to Mass College of Art to see a show by fashion designer Mary McFadden. "By chance" we happened upon the office of graduate admissions, and I spoke with the director about their low-residency MFA. Something just clicked, and I have decided that I will apply! The deadline for applications is March 15, the program starts in September. When I got home I discovered that the 2 year program costs $42,000. Gasp. But then again, the money that I have set aside -- what is it for, anyway? From there we walked to Newbury Street. We walked the length of it, then took the train home. Our next thing is to meet Toisha for Brazilian food, and if we have the energy, will have dessert out at Finale, a fancy dessert and coffee place.

What a fun day. Mark and I usually do parallel play and don't spend the whole day doing the same thing. Today was an exception, and quite exceptional!

It sure beats last year when we were in the Emergency Room, in the initial stages of diagnosing metastasized breast cancer to my hip. I remember it was about 3am and we both realized it was Mark's birthday. Needless to say, his birthday didn't get a lot of attention last year. We're making up for it today.