Arrival in Brazil

My trip went smoothly -- I arrived on time in Sao Paulo this morning. Although there was some question about making the connection in Atlanta -- I barely made the connection to Brazil with just minutes to spare. Bad weather in Washington, DC. Carlos and Irene picked me up, and we drove directly to their weekend house. It is absolutely beautiful here. Warm and sunny. On the drive we stopped at a "lanconete", a little roadside place that sold wonderful coffee and pao de queijo, a regional treat, basically cheese bread.

I flew first class -- the first time ever. My friends gave me "miles" -- it was great to arrive not feeling like a wreck from not sleeping all night. I could get used to this! I did yoga practice outside under a shady tree on the terrace. Lunch was fresh greens from the garden, beans and rice, followed by fresh cheese and "bananada", which is bananas cooked with sugar.

We'll be here a few days, then will start the tour of the old colonial towns of Minas Gerais.

I found a perfect place to practice meditation -- there is a small private patio, surrounded by lush plants, running water and a statue from an old church. An indoor sanctuary, surrounded by an abundance of natural beauty. Good friends. I'm loving this!

A Wonderful Birthday

Today was a wonderful day. I turned 48 today. A Gemini. I worked, then had dinner at my sister's with "the angels". (She has asked me not to post pictures of the kids anymore -- which I will respect -- but they are adorable.) We were 7 -- Amy and her husband, the 3 angels, Mark and me. She made my favorite cake -- yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

I feel so loved by so many. Many, many calls, emails, cards, gifts. I still think -- what have I done to merit this? I feel blessed in so many ways. I have always loved my birthday, and love celebrating it -- and anyone's else's, too. I wanted to have a party but am working in the morning then flying to Brazil in late afternoon. It felt like too much in a short window of time.

Over the last few weeks I have found that many of my clinic patients have expressed an interest in learning meditation. Just today I introduced the practice to 2 different people. They present with totally different situations and histories, yet they were both quite enthusiastic to try something new. It has certainly been a boon to me and I am delighted that there are opportunities to share at work. This has happened quite naturally. One of the people said that his girlfriend recently invited him to meditate together. He had first learned the technique in prison, and was excited to explore it again. It's amazing how opportunities present themselves -- for both of us.

I think I will have daily email access in Brazil so will write as I can. I'm back on June 11. Ate logo!
image by Lola: Lucy's garden prayer flags

Reveries of a Solitary Walker

Here we were on Sunday, putting in the garden. Memorial Day weekend is the earliest anyone plants, as there are still frosts until then. As we drove back to the city on Monday, we heard that the temperatures would fall into the 30's. Quite discouraging after putting in all those seedlings!

Today I attended my aunt's 80th birthday party. There were about 20 women present, a mix of friends and family. My aunt is quite accomplished and equally modest. I was happy that we could gather together in her honor -- and that she agreed to it.

Mark and I spend most of the late afternoon at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. The monthly visit is getting quite routine at this point. We saw the nurse practicioner Ann rather than The Vixen. My skin looks much better and I can stop with the burn bandages. Basically I am now done with active treatment. I continue to take Tamoxifen daily as well as some supplements (Vitamin D and calcium). I get a monthly injection of Lupron (suppresses estrogen) and a monthly infusion of Zometa (strengthens and protects the bone from growth of cancer). I think I am adjusting to the Tamoxifen as the hot flashes and insomnia are much more manageable. Until something else happens, I will have a monthly appointment and will get scanned every 3 months. I welcome this reprieve from active treatment.

Tonight I had another interview with Narayan. I have never been in the presence of such a being before. In my mind I call her the "goddess of compassion". She said that her guiding principles are to harm no one, not herself or others. It's really something that everyone should experience, being in the room with a teacher like her. She is Divine Love. She looks right at you, into the deepest place inside. Her face is so expressive. I wish I could sit with her indefinitely. It's hard to leave the room. We talked a little about the bliss state I experienced much of the fall, and how it shifted into the current unshakable sense of peace that is always present. She said it's as if the bliss burned out my lifelong sense of fear and neurosis. I said, if this has happened so soon, what will happen if I can practice another 10 years? She smiled and said, "only wonderful things". She is an incredible blessing in my life.

Lucy sent this today:

From Rousseau’s final book, “Reveries of a Solitary Walker”: "If there is a state where the soul can find a resting-place secure enough to establish itself and concentrate its entire being there, with no need to remember the past or reach into the future, where time is nothing to it, where the present runs on indefinitely but this duration goes unnoticed, with no sign of the passing of time, and no other feeling of deprivation or enjoyment, pleasure or pain, desire or fear than the simple feeling of existence, a feeling that fills our soul entirely, as long as this state lasts, we can call ourselves happy, not with a poor, incomplete and relative happiness such as we find in the pleasures of life, but with a sufficient, complete and perfect happiness which leaves no emptiness to be filled in the soul."

A Small Project

Today a friend from work, Gloria, suggested that we beautify the clinic a little. In the past there has been a budget for such things as buying plants for the 2 large planters out front, but not this year. So far it has been used as an ashtray. So at lunch we walked to the local plant nursery and chose a large tray of annuals. I am friendly with the owner, so he gave us a discount. We planted them and just as we were watering, a little clinic patient came out with his mom, very curious about what we were doing. He was no more than 3 years old. I invited him to help us water, and he was thrilled. What a beautiful smile. I told him that next time he sees his doctor, he can help in the "garden". That was the most beautiful moment of the day.

Tomorrow I am taking the day off. Some friends of my aunt's have invited a group to get together at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston to celebrate her 80th birthday. Late in the afternoon I have an appointment with The Vixen, the usual monthly thing. I am definitely recovering from the radiation, but my skin is still irritated. The scabs are gone but I'm still left with pink, tender spots. I still use the burn bandages they gave me. In the evening I will meet with Narayan for a meditation interview.
Image by Lola: Kate's garden buddha

The Birthdays

Lucy and Rick invited Karma, Jeff, Mark and me to their place yesterday for "the birthdays" party. We got there in late afternoon so were able to enjoy a tour of the extensive gardens, appetizers on the patio overlooking the hills to the east and dinner under a candle-lit chandelier. Lucy made us both hand-made birthday cards and "the best chocolate cake" from epicurean.com. Jeff and I both love chocolate! I gave him a few heirloom tomato plants -- which may have inspired a vegetable garden.

Mark asked me when I want to leave today -- I said I'd rather just stay, and have him drive me directly to the airport on Friday. That's not in the cards, unfortunately.

This week I have an appointment with The Vixen on Wednesday. The routine, monthly visit. Next month I'll get scanned. I also have an interview with Narayan which is always a beautiful encounter.

I think I'll make it a new tradition -- to do something kooky the day before a scan. Maybe I should keep with the Feng Wah bus and go to New York for the day. I ran across this in the Wall Street Journal a few weeks ago: a performance at the Guggenheim Museum in NYC. Unfortunately it's sold out. Here's the blurb:

"The ScentOpera introduces a new art form created by Stewart Matthew based only on smell and sound. Matthew collaborates with renowned fragrance designer Christophe Laudamiel and composers Nico Muhly and Valgeir Sigurdsson. Original scents and music will be performed in the dark via a customized scent organ for a world premiere unlike any other." Now that sounds like fun.

Image by Mark: Lola and Jeff living it up

A Steady Approach to Compassion

This quote came from tricycle.com -- the free daily email that one can sign up for on their web site. I have been practicing metta daily for 14 months now, 30 minutes a day, every day. Even on surgery days, I was on my cushion. Slow and steady, like the tortoise.

"As we strive to develop compassion for ourselves, it's important to avoid making “letting go of desire” or “developing compassion for yourself” into new objects of compulsive desire. Becoming obsessive about quickly seeing big results from our efforts is a sign that deluded desire rather than compassion is driving our efforts. Real progress derives from honest introspection, and we cannot analyze our minds carefully when we're hurried. Transforming our hearts is a gradual, organic process, and successfully cultivating compassion for ourselves necessitates a mature and steady approach."

–Lorne Ladner, from The Lost Art of Compassion

I haven't read this book, nor had I ever heard of it. I love reading books that explore the edges where psychology and spirituality begin to touch. I was visiting Deborah yesterday and she lent me her copy of Jack Kornfield's book, "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry: How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path". I started it last night. He starts off by asking what it is that draws us to the spiritual life. It feels like the right book at the right time.

Mark and I are having a wonderful time. After visiting Deborah, I went to the organic dairy for a gallon of raw milk. I am friendly with the Mexican workers and have a good time practicing my terrible Spanish. I think it entertains him. Ricardo's English is so much better than my Spanish. He humors me. Next it was on to visit Tom who has an organic farm/nursery. He specializes in heirloom tomatoes. He grows about 100 varieties. This year I will try one that looks like a tomatillo with the husk, but is sweet and tastes like pineapple. He gave me a special length of weed-barrier landscape fabric to put underneath the plant to catch the fruit as they fall. He also gave me a handful of silver dollar plant seeds which take 2 years to produce. It's always instructive and fun to visit him.

Kate came by to visit in the afternoon. We went for a walk and sat next to a babbling brook at the bottom of our hill. We drove her home and saw her fantastic rustic cabin just a few miles away across the Vermont border. Rustic means an outhouse. I loved it.

We got a little planting done with more to do today. I spent the evening in my studio. Idyllic.

Brides Against Breast Cancer

Rachel, a former prenatal yoga student, came to Open Studios. She told me about this wonderful organization, Brides Against Breast Cancer.

The web site is http://www.bridesagainstbreastcancer.org

Over the months I am collecting many resources and want to share them!

We are Out West. We haven't been here for a few weeks as last weekend we did the Avon Walk. We are always anxious to get here in the warm season on Friday night, to see what the gardens are doing. The spinach and radishes we planted 2 weeks ago are up. The rhubarb has flowered -- I'll have to ask Lucy if we missed it, or if it's OK to harvest after it blooms. We have enough horseradish for the entire county. Anyone want some roots? either to grow or eat? Our project for the weekend is the plant the vegetable garden. Mark is meticulous, I am "good-enough".

Jeff and I are both born on May 28, so will celebrate together tomorrow evening. Lucy is throwing a little party for the 6 of us - Karma and Jeff, Lucy and Rick, Mark and me. As I was leaving the city yesterday, I called her for any last-minute grocery items. She said to bring fresh ginger as she is going to make ginger-ale. And May wine from sweet woodruff. This is the best time of year and a perfect time for a party.

Before He Makes Each One

Wendy sent this beautiful poem a few days ago.

Before He Makes Each One

Before he makes each one
of us, God speaks.

Then, without speaking,
he takes each one
out of the darkness.

And these are the cloudy
words God speaks
before each of us begins:

"You have been sent out
by your senses. Go
to the farthest edge
of desire, and give me
clothing: burn like a great
fire so that the stretched-out
shadows of the things
of the world cover
me completely.
Let everything happen
to you: beauty and terror.
You must just go--
no feeling is the farthest
you can go. Don't let
yourself be separated
from me. The country
called life is close.
By its seriousness,
you will know it.
Give me your hand."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~

I just got back from a really fun night out. Tonight was Third Thursday at Atlantic Works, the gallery I belong to in East Boston. Of all times to forget my camera! There was a show in the gallery, "Responding To Darkness" as well as a show in the sculpture garden. The building is really amazing, right on the waterfront. East Boston is still pretty low rent, so it's still grungy and cool. It is a wonderful artist community. I love the feeling of walking into a group of people and being so warmly welcomed. In July we're having a show entitled "With A Little Help From Your Friends". Each member is welcome to invite another outside artist. Valerie Spain will be my invited friend.

My energy is returning! I am full of plans and excitement.

When I walked in the door, Mark was looking about flights to Lhasa, Tibet/China. We may be up for a big adventure in the fall.

Indu

Tonight I got to see an old friend, Indu. We met in a yoga class 15 years ago and have stayed in touch over the years. He's been living in Singapore the last few years. He brought me some wonderful things for my altar, most notably a small statue of a young monk. I call him Buddha Boy (the statue, not Indu). I gave him a few small paintings as a gift. It was a beautiful night, so the 3 of us took a walk and got some fallafel and ice cream. He is really funny so we laughed much of the evening. Mark mentioned that we'd like to travel to Myanmar, so Indu suggested that we do a big itinerary to include Thailand and Angor Wat. He's not done that trip yet and would be very fun to travel with.

The shirt I'm wearing is from the Avon Foundation. Kelsey and I each got one when we signed up to walk in 2010. Repeat! Mark just told me that money keeps flowing into our Avon team account. To date we raised $9,555.

Bathing Beauty

Yesterday I received a call from the local photo shop that is closing. They told me that I had left something there several years ago. I went in to pick up a mystery package -- I had no idea what to expect. To my great surprise, what awaited me were a bunch of black and white photos from over-sized negatives (now on cd) of my mom and her sister, Aunt Jean. Here is Mom catching some rays.

Everything in the store was on sale for 90% off, and I found some fantastic paper that was from another era, used to display photos. The kind of ragged-edged, thick paperstock that you fold in half. It will be perfect for collage. I bought everything they had -- for about $4. Each items was about 3 cents. No kidding. A veritable motherload of supplies.

I got an email today that I was accepted to the North Adams Artists' Co-op Gallery. Their season runs from June 24 to October 18. It seems like a nice opportunity to show in a different venue with a member fee of $75 and 40% commission. I am always up for trying something new.

My energy is still kind of low, my skin is a mess, but all is well.

Revanche

This is my first "normal" week in a long time. How I've missed normal! I'll work a regular schedule.

My body feels the wear and tear of the walk. My hips are a little stiff -- it does kind of get my attention, but I think I'm fine. When I went to see my sister tonight, she commented that I was limping. I don't think it's limping, exactly. I am just moving carefully. She doesn't miss anything -- neither does Mark. They both really watch out for me. These days any sensation in my body is noted. By me and by them.

After a quick visit to the angels, I went to see this rather disturbing German film, "Revanche". Here's the blurb:

"A nature scene. Late summer. A small lake in the woods. No people. Silence. Not far away, a newly built house inhabited by a couple: Robert (Andreas Lust) and Susanne Ursula Strauss). They live an ordinary life like so many other people. Meanwhile in Vienna: Nightlife in the red light district, the world of prostitution. Alex and Tamara (Johannes Krisch and Irina Potapenko) have jobs that barely let them scrape by. She is a prostitute from Ukraine; he, the boss's errand boy. They are lovers, but they have to keep it a secret. They want to escape this life, but they need money first. Alex devises a plan to rob a bank in a little village out in the countryside. It's a simple plan that he feels couldn't possibly go wrong. The lives of all these people will change as a result of Alex's decision more radically than they could ever suspect."

The Walk Day 2

I don't know how this happened, but I ended up finishing the Avon Walk today with Kelsey. 13 miles! Mark did the 26 miles yesterday and had had enough (I only did 13, Kelsey did about 7). Kelsey stayed over last night and said that she definitely wanted to walk today. So I figured, OK, I'll do it too. Mark drove us down to Reebok Headquarters in Canton so we could start at 8am. It was rainy but not too cold, in the 60's. We had a wonderful time. She was patient with her auntie as she can run that distance with no problem. Like yesterday, the crew and supporters were wonderful. We reached UMASS Boston around 1pm. We were so enthused that we both signed up to walk again in 2010. When I told Mark, he said, didn't you sign me up, too? He was also very enthusiastic about this whole project. Kelsey has never been to the West Coast so we are open to doing the walk in LA or San Francisco next spring.

When we got to the finish line, there was a kiosk where they handed out shirts, bright pink for walkers, light pink for "surivor" walkers. This time I proudly reached for the survivor version. It was really uplifting and I hope we can put together a big team for next year.

My cousin Marisa is in town so we spent the afternoon at my house catching up. She has been with "the angels" all weekend and will spend one more night with them tonight. I sent her home with the card game "Ruckus" which Luke loved. The only caveat is that they must bring it back. A family weekend! I am totally shifting my idea about family -- I have a wonderful one!

The Walk

The first image was taken at 6am today by our cabbie. He drove us directly to the start at UMASS Boston. We were there in time for the opening ceremony which I had no particular intention of attending. I was very surprised by how emotional I got as I walked in and was surrounded by a few thousand people, all there because of breast cancer. The emcee asked the crowd to raise your hand if you were a survivor. I looked hesitantly at Mark -- is that my category? Next question -- who is there because someone they love has breast cancer? Third question -- who is there because they want to help find a cure? I actually broke down in tears several times. At one point a total stranger walked over to hug me.

The route was well thought-out as we walked along the shore through scenic South Boston, the North End, Cambridge, Brookline, Jamaica Plain. Elizabeth and her 10 month old met us at mile 8 and walked with us until mile 13. At that point I'd had enough, so Elizabeth and I walked to our house which was very close to the route. Kelsey joined in later (she had been to her boyfriend's graduation) and I just got a call that she and Mark finally met up and finished the walk together. I slept all afternoon -- they finished all 26 miles.

Can't wait to get on my yoga mat.
Altogether the Boston walk earned 5.6 million dollars. It was a wonderful experience.

Finally Flower

A friend came over last night and bought this painting, "Finally Flower". It is 5 feet tall by 3 feet wide. My sister misses it terribly already. So do I! But the new owner fell in love with it at Open Studios so they will be happy together.

Last night I finished my last chiropractic visit. My back feels so much better. Totally stabilized now. Becca said that it was probably a result of being on crutches for 2 months. It's strange, I had kind of forgotten about that already. I think she is right. While at the clinic, Marysia presented me with the most beautiful gift. She made a hand-knit prayer shawl for me. She started it late last summer when I was first diagnosed. She said that every stitch contained a prayer. It is beautiful and I used it this morning!

I had a wonderful date with Luke last night. He wanted Chinese food, even though he's only had it a time or two. I hope he grows up to be a foodie. He was quite adventurous and ate a little of everything. He was quite patient while my friends were here to buy the painting. We spent our time painting. He is really happy that I let him use one of my sketchbooks. I started a new collage in the new book I got this week. We sat side by side, very happy together. Later we played Ruckus and ate ice cream at the same time. He thought that was just wonderful. Actually, so did I. This morning we made a deal: if he let me meditate for 30 minutes while he did more painting, we'd play more cards and eat cinnamon toast. Believe it or not, he was quiet as a mouse and didn't disturb me at all. I skipped yoga but did practice tonight. We saw outside on the porch -- another beautiful morning. I had coffee, he had special toast. We played cards until his mom came to get him. It was a perfect visit. I never wanted kids myself, but am truly grateful that both my brothers and sister did -- I love being an auntie.

Tonight we're preparing for the Avon Walk. We're trying to figure out how to get downtown on time without getting up at the crack of dawn. I am promising everyone that I won't overdo it, that we'll stop when enough is enough. My energy is still pretty low and my skin has opened up so it's quite sore. Nonetheless, we are psyched to do this. Today I had lunch with Elizabeth who had intended to walk but didn't for various reasons. She plans to hook up with us someplace in Cambridge and walk some of the course with us and her 10 month old son. And of course Kelsey will be with us as well. This all feels just right.

A Sweet Dukha

I rode my bike to meditation class this morning. After a restorative yoga practice. And Mark's coffee. How good can it get?

Narayan offers a 4-hour mini-retreat class every so often on Thursday mornings. This is the second one I attended. The format is a dharma talk at the beginning, then sitting for 1 hour. Followed by 20 minutes of walking meditation. Then 40 minutes sitting, 20 minutes walking until 1pm. After the first hour she has brief interview slots. She was talking about dukha today -- dukha is usually defined as "suffering" but there are many flavors of suffering (physical, emotional, financial, etc) and of course a huge range of intensity. It is said that we suffer even when life is going our way, when things are good. Because we fear losing that happy state. Rather than working with metta as I do everyday, I decided to work with body awareness instead. Moment by moment noticing what my body feels like. Strangely enough, my body feels just fine. The burning sensation is more tolerable. Bob my chiropractor is working wonders on my spine and hip (tonight is my last scheduled appointment).

I did my walking outside because it's spring and lovely. I began to think about my other suffering and what popped up is that I suffer because I want to be with her (Narayan) more! I love her presence, I love what she says, I love how she responds to others. So I told her about all this and she laughed. She said it was a sweet dukha.

She was wearing a beautiful mala bracelet, much like the one pictured here. I've been wearing mine since last fall. I picked it up the day the Vixen called to tell me there was a problem with my hip. We compared notes about how to use them for metta meditation.

I read her articles in Buddhadharma magazine and know that she felt the same way about her Chan teacher who died in January. That bittersweet feeling of having loved deeply, then lost. I told her how I yearn to attend her "old yogis" classes which are for people with years more experience than I have. She totally surprised me by saying that if she had known, she would have allowed me to attend her short 3 week course this month. It's already started so it's too late... I also told her I want to attend the week-long retreat in August at IMS. She thought that was a great idea, to do my first with her, so I feel comfortable. She also said she has a longer interview time for me one night next week.

A sweet dukha indeed.

I just checked our team fundraising amount for the Avon Walk and we have raised $9,205. That is just too cool. Thank you!!! We walk this weekend.

It's Lilac Season

I took this image a few days ago on the way home from the hospital. Lilacs are wonderful. I remember big stands of them on our dirt road in Iowa. I have planted many over the years, so now the side of the house is full of them. I love it when the windows are open, there is a slight breeze, and the smell wafts in.

Thanks to all of you for the wonderful well-wishes over the last few days. It felt daunting, especially at the beginning. Hillary Clinton says that it takes a village to raise a child; I think it takes a village to get through a long course of medical treatment. Really.

Mark and I had a wonderful time at the party last night. We got home way too late, but it was worth it. How pleased I was to learn that the master of ceremonies was Robin Young, a local NPR commentator. We saw at different tables but so close that I would have been able to reach out and touch her. I wanted to say hello and say how much I enjoy her show but was SHY! She must be mobbed every time she is in public. I also ran into an old friend who I haven't seen in 12 years or so. It was fun to re-connect.

Today's highlight was finally locating a particular artist sketchbook. I have been searching high and low for a specific brand and type of blank book for months. Recently Val told me to go to an artist supply store in Central Square. Lo and behold, I found the exact thing I was looking for. So exciting! I bought a few. The clerk said that are on clearance -- I should go back and buy the whole lot!

We have raised $9,155 for the Avon Walk. Wow!

Now that radiation is over, I am turning my attention towards the trip I plan to take to Brazil on the 29th. I'll be there almost 2 weeks. What a treat.

We have some workmen here, installing new counter tops and white ceramic sink in the kitchen. It feels like another way to start fresh. Mark is great at managing these kinds of projects.

Tomorrow I'm taking the day off. Narayan is offering a morning retreat from 9am til 1pm. And to top it all off, I have a "date" with Luke, the 5 year old angel. He will spend the night with us. I'm not sure who is more excited about this. He wants to go out to dinner, then paint. What a kid!

A fresh start

Here is a photo I took on Saturday of Mark in the garden with the rototiller. It seems fitting -- today is a fresh start, preparing the garden is a fresh start. I am so happy that the radiation is behind me. That really felt like a marathon. I am adjusting my yoga practice so I spend more time in restorative poses. At least for now. I will let my body recovery, let the skin heal.

I'm back to full-time work schedule as of today.

Tonight we are invited to a fancy party at Cambridge Health Alliance. It's an annual fund-raiser and tribute to an outstanding member of the staff. We are guests of Lucy and Rick.

Today I'll mail in an application to become a seasonal member of the North Adams Artists Cooperative, now in it's second year. North Adams is the home of the Massachusetts Museum of Modern Art, a very funky town and art community. The season runs from late June until October. Mark chose and printed a few images to send out last night. Fingers crossed!

Done!

If you're wondering why in the world I would post this absurd image of myself in a tiara and Wonderwoman johnnie, it would be because today was my last radiation treatment. They keep these special items for "graduation". I did 33 treatments in all (this time). Marysia came with me today. Last night I baked a lemon bundt cake for the team and we walked over with it, each carrying a to-go cup of Mark's wonderful coffee.. It was one of these perfect May mornings with poppies in full bloom. The staff loved the cake. I got teary as I left. Lynn bandaged me up one more time. She said my skin will definitely peel in some spots. It's quite sore. They have taken such excellent care of me -- and all the Dana Farber patients. They are very special people with a mission to heal.

We got home, and did a lovely yoga practice together. Marysia led the session, focusing on relaxation and alignment of my lumbar and hip. I felt very indulged. Her husband is my chiropractor. She is a yoga teacher. We trained together from 1996 until 1998 in an Iyengar teacher training program. After the practice we dug some plants from my front yard for her shade garden. A perfect morning.

Happy Mother's Day

These holidays, Mother's Day and Father's Day used to cause me so much angst. I dreaded them -- the feelings were so intense and painful. This year is so different. I will commemorate this year by digging up a gorgeous peony from my front yard and will give it to my sister tonight. She is an amazing mother -- of course -- how else would you get "the angels"? I called her and asked if she likes peonies -- she said she doesn't know what the look like. She is a nascent gardener. She's getting there. She will be thrilled.

Next weekend Mark, Kelsey and I will do the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. Elizabeth won't join us for a variety of reasons, but she raised a lot of money and we thank her for that. Our team total is $8655. Just yesterday Jules filled our coffers a little more. We are reading our preparation lists and pulling together sleeping bags and such. I actually hate camping/tenting but am willing to do it. I've heard that it's a big party, a big love fest. So we'll give it a shot.

Tomorrow is my last radiation treatment. At long last. Marysia will go with me. I am home clear now, at least for now. And it's NOW that I focus on. I'll get scanned next month. I'm pretty tired of treatment so will welcome a reprieve.

A Suspended Blue Ocean

Wendy send this beautiful poem.

The sky
Is a suspended blue ocean.
The stars are the fish
That swim.

The planets are the white whales
I sometimes hitch a ride on,

And the sun and all light
Have forever fused themselves

Into my heart and upon
My skin.

There is only one rule
On this Wild Playground,

For every sign Hafiz has ever seen
Reads the same.

They all say,

"Have fun, my dear; my dear, have fun,
In the Beloved's Divine Game,
O, in the Beloved's
Wonderful Game."

~ Hafiz ~

Mark and I are indeed having fun. We're in the country. We woke up to a warm, overcast day. The gardens are lush and completely untended and wild. I'm baking bread, banana muffins.

I am having a lot of follow-up interest in my paintings since Open Studios last weekend. They are flying off the wall. Someone just emailed me about a new cooperative gallery in North Adams that I will try to get into for this season which runs June until October.

My cup runneth over.

32 of 33

Here is the "diploma" that the radiation staff gave me when I finished on the Primus machine Monday. Now I'm on another machine for the "booster" treatment -- just 1 more to go!

This weekend we will be out West. We'll work on preparing the vegetable garden for planting on Memorial Day weekend. I also look forward to spending more time in the studio.

I'm feeling energized, maybe because the end is in sight.

31 of 33

After treatment #31, I met with my nurse Lynn this morning. She fixed me up again with fresh dressings for the radiation burn. It is so much more comfortable this way. I am wondering how bad it will get as my skin could continue to react for 1-2 weeks after the last treatment. When we finished, she pulled something out of her bag. She lent me a graphic novel, "The Arrival" by Shaun Tan. The image is from the cover of the book. I haven't looked at it carefully, but it seems to be a beautiful rendering of immigrant stories, leaving one's homeland and starting over. She wanted me to enjoy it both for its artistic sensibility but also because she knows I work with immigrants. I am very excited to spend some time with it the next few days.

Tonight I went to the chiropractor and am feeling great. He even did an adjustment on my skull and facial bones. That was unexpected and quite intriguing. I'll have 2 more sessions next week. After that I went to see a very boring movie entitled "Valentino, the Last Emperor". It was a sort of documentary about the last few years, culminating in a huge blow-out party in Rome to celebrate his 45 years as a haute couture designer. Even though the film wasn't particularly good, I still enjoyed the popcorn and a quiet space.

30 of 33

I took this photo on my way to the hospital yesterday. Spring feels especially delicious this year.

Today was the last meeting with the radiation oncologist. She said my skin looks relatively good. You could have fooled me. The nurse rigged up a dressing, using a stretchy tube-top mesh and bandages loaded with Aquaphor. Mark says they use similar materials for burn victims. It felt quite soothing, and she said I might want to do it daily for the next week or so until my skin settles down. I can sleep with it which I will try tonight.

My job has been very intense lately with lots of crisis. Because I'm there less hours, I book even my lunch hours to try to keep up with the demand. I look forward to "normal" again, i.e. working 9 to 5 and not trying to get everything done in a compressed amount of time. My intern finishes up this week so that will also free up some time and energy.

My aunt called off her birthday party which was scheduled for tonight. She is 80 and realizing that she needs to slow down. Call it a family affliction. Instead of the group of 25, my sister and I had a quiet dinner with her at an Indian restaurant she loves. I really enjoy taking her to ethnic places as she never gets to eat that way in her normal life. We spent the dinner reminiscing about our 30+ years together. She took us in when we were 17, 15 and 13.

Interestingly, she brought along a letter for me, written by my "difficult" uncle. He asked to smoke the peace pipe. He asked that I forgive him for our latest falling-out last fall. (We've had many over the years. He gets angry and writes us out of the will and bans us from the house. This is just the most recent incident.) When faced with these situations, I say to myself, what would Narayan (my meditation teacher) do? I'll have to reflect on this a little to figure out how to respond.

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Today I was on the new machine. It's a few months old and breaks down all the time according to the other patients. I waited for an hour; never had to wait much on the old machine. I was waiting with a new group of patients so I felt like the new kid on the block. Now they are treating just the scar but with a 1" margin on each side, but it's still a pretty large area. Just 1 hit of juice. I can't remember which kind -- proton? photon? electron? It's different than what I've done so far. These last 5 days are more superficial, mostly just the skin. The machine is just a few inches from my body.

This really has to end. I'm fed up and tired of being tired. Tonight I would love to go to the movies -- I enjoy sitting in the dark with strangers, eating popcorn. But I just don't have it in me. Even that's too much. So I'll make a big pot of vegetable stew and settle in for the night.

Today's highlight was having lunch with Lucy. We've been friends for 25 years and almost without exception, we always have a ball. There was the time we were tobogganing and her knee got destroyed... that wasn't so great. That was an exception. The most mundane things are fun with Lucy. We both love to garden so made our pilgrimage to the local nursery, followed by a trip to the ethnic market, followed by Mexican food.

Image: lola sketchbook

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Here is Neil, one of the front desk staff on L2. He is always well-dressed, in a suit. I have nothing but good things to say about my experience at "the Dana". Of course there is my beautiful red-haired vixen, aka my medical oncologist Dr. Anne Partridge. But they have all been exceptional. Today was kind of a mini milestone as I finished up on the "Primus" machine. In fact I was the last patient treated on it this morning. She is being decommissioned after many years of good service. The staff like her because she doesn't break down. No waits, no fuss.

As I left the suite, the staff handed me a "diploma". Our computer isn't working well at home so I'll scan it later or ask them to send me the jpg. It basically said, "congratulations" -- to me and Primus. They said they have never before given a patient something like this. Just another way that they make me feel human and special. Mark also scavenged a part of my paper chart, a green plastic piece. I will have to "re-purpose" it into something life-affirming.

Tomorrow I switch to a different machine which will treat just the surface of the scar but with a fairly wide margin. The fatigue is unbelievable. I was sitting with a patient today and had a very hard time following her story. Wow -- that hardly ever happens. I just kept glazing over in spite of the intention of paying attention. My skin is really taking a beating. Mark was freaked out when is showed him tonight.

I went back to the chiropractor tonight. My back is feeling oh-so much better. I'll go 3 more times. It no longer bothers me at night. Before the first adjustment, every time I moved in bed I'd get this wrenching feeling in the lower back that would wake me up and make me wince. What a relief to not experience that anymore.

Open Studios

What a fun weekend. I just had a 2-day house party that was well-attended by friends, family and new people. My house was one of 40 sites around town with about 75 artist participants. Some people showed in a public venue such as the library or police station, some have studios but most people show at home. The event went from 11am til 6pm, but both days people stayed long beyond 6 pm. You never know who will show up when, so it's fluid and dynamic. One surprise today was my radiation nurse, Lynn. She lives up on the North Shore and drove all the way into town to visit. We met in a nurse/patient relationship, but she's really a special person so I hope to see her outside of the hospital!

Yesterday the angels visited. They helped me with the balloons; we walked to the site and Luke was thrilled with the helium tank. Lots of them got away so we had to make a few trips until we got the securely fastened to the garden gate. The older 2 stayed most of the day, reluctantly leaving around 4pm. Luke was hilarious and took his job of "sales assistant" quite seriously. He sometimes sat on the front step and encouraged passers-by to come in. He quickly learned how to offer guests a cup of tea and to explain a little about the various paintings. He is learning his multiplication tables (still in pre-school) and cited how much 1 piece would be but if you got 2, or 3, etc. Shayna is more reserved but had a wonderful time pointing out the pieces that she helped me with. We used to spend a lot of time together when she was a tiny kid at the studio in East Boston so she knows a surprising amount about art and the process.

It was a very satisfying weekend. Lots of positive comments and I moved a lot of work as well. A friend asked to use the bathroom and bought 2 pieces that were hanging on the wall there. It never occurred to me that the bathroom would double as a showing space.

This is my final full week of radiation. I'll finish up next Monday.

Image: Mark at public talk by the Dalai Lama, Foxborough, MA 5/2/09

Ananda

Finishing up on Sally Kempton's Yoga Journal article on the koshas... The fourth is the vinanamaya kosha or the wisdom/awareness body. The says, "as you explore your inner world, you may begin to notice that along with your thoughts there are things that come from a deeper and subtler level of your being. This sense of inner knowing comes from the wisdom body, the layer composed of intuition and awareness." She goes on to say that one accesses your wisdom body when you are engrossed in creative work or problem solving. I think I access that part while painting/art making. My best work comes when I am not critically thinking -- in fact, that often get me in trouble when I work too hard on a piece. Art-making is most enjoyable and fruitful when I am in a "flow" state. I also access that part when I'm working as a therapist -- otherwise I would have no idea what to say in so many situations. It's also my experience when I used to teach yoga -- usually my suggestions for modifying a post for a particular student came more from intuition than an intellectual response.

The fifth and final sheath is the anandamaya kosha, or bliss body, the inner-most layer. Sally says, "it's subtle presence is felt as the instinctive sense that life is worth living, that to be alive is good... your bliss body is filled with natural ecstasy, dynamism and goodness...". You develop this through practices such as mantra, meditation and prayer that teach you how to let go of thoughts so you can access the bliss body. "When you are in touch with your bliss body, you know that your nature is joyful, free and capable of every flavor of happiness from rock-out ecstasy to simple contentment."

Her description of the bliss body in particular has really helped me to better understand what started to happen to me late last summer. Right around the time of the initial diagnosis, I began to experience intense periods of love, like my heart was breaking wide open. Feeling so in love with life. So much gratitude. Senses wide open. Waves of bliss. Feelings I'd never before experienced. It seemed to strangely timed -- it didn't make sense at all. The feelings have shifted over time -- usually I just feel a deep sense of peace and contentment, although the bliss states still come and go. More and more I live in this place. It's become a touchstone. On the body level I am exhausted, on the mental level I still have negative and scary thoughts about what might happen in terms of the cancer spreading and all that, yet I remain in contact with this "bliss body" all the time. It's always accessible. It's a most curious thing.

I had lunch with Elizabeth yesterday and was explaining some of this. It's impossible to know if this internal shift (or whatever you call it) would have happened without the cancer. What I do know is that I feel blessed. Whatever happens with my health, I feel that to touch Grace in this life is worth everything.

image: lola garden

Writing in Chalk

There was an article in the Wall Street Journal this week in the Arts and Leisure section about Buddy and Julie Miller. They are described as "the unpretentious but royal couple of Americana music". I'd never heard of them before. What caught my attention is the title of their new release, "Written in Chalk". I've been thinking about that title for a few days. I thought that I like even better the title which is "Writing in Chalk". That's the title I gave to the new painting shown here. It's very small, just 10" x 8". I have a heightened awareness that everything I hold dear, everything I do will at some point be like writing in chalk -- it will all wash away. I love my I-Pod, for example. No one else will love it like I do, and one day it will be landfill. I'll be long gone as will any memories of what's recorded. YET at the same time, everything is so exquisitely alive and vibrant. I am much more attentive to moment-to-moment life. I am exhausted from the radiation, yet I have never been happier. It's a strange paradox to live in.

The radiation technician Mark told me today that they are done treating my upper chest. The next 2 treatments will focus on the other 2 areas. A milestone of sorts. The final 5 days will be on the incision only. I will be the last patient treated on the Primus machine (Mark calls her "she"). She is being sold for scrap and will be replaced by a new generation of machine. I asked if he can scavenge a piece of her -- I have the idea of making something three-dimensional. He says he will be cleaning up the room, and will save a piece of her for me.

This weekend is Open Studios. I'm not in great shape energy-wise for the social explosion that is about to happen. My house will be filled both days from 11am til 6pm with friends and strangers coming to look at my artwork. There about 40 venues around town with about 70 artists participating. This is my 10th year and I always look forward to it. I am concerned that I just don't have the juice for it this year.

Mark has a ticket to see the Dalai Lama tomorrow which he is looking forward to.