From Blossoms

Karen sent this lovely poem a few days ago. I am not familiar with the poet. But I like this piece very much.

I am feeling much better. Back to my regular self. I am looking forward to seeing Narayan tomorrow night. I hope she can help me understand and articulate what's been happening in my meditation. I haven't sat the last few days, but have been savoring my yoga practice. It feels just right to be grounded, to be totally in my body. I started practicing yoga all those years ago for a good reason -- I need it, it feels like such an excellent practice.

I got a reminder call yesterday from the hospital that I am due for my 6-month breast MRI. I am scheduled for this Friday. It's funny -- I hadn't even written the appointment in my agenda. I didn't want to think about it at all. The Vixen will have my head if I don't go. There had been an initial "finding" last September, a suspicious area. I was tested a few weeks later, and they couldn't find it. 6 months ago something showed up again, but it was smaller than the initial finding. Let's just say I'm not too thrilled about going, and am praying that nothing shows up.

Tonight I sent to see the angels. They all have fall birthdays and we had fun making their birthday wish lists. As I left, Shayna gave me a love card. It is such a pleasure to walk in the house and be greeted by such loving creatures. After that I went to visit a friend from work, Maria, who just had knee surgery. At my clinic we are very generous with each other, so each and every sad or happy occasion is commemorated. She is recovering well.

From Blossoms

From blossoms comes
this brown paper bag of peaches
we bought from the boy
at the bend in the road where we turned toward
signs painted Peaches.

From laden boughs, from hands,
from sweet fellowship in the bins,
comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.

O, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.

There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.

- Li-Young Lee

image by Lola

Lucy's Scarecrow

I was at Lucy's on Saturday, digging perennials from her bountiful beds. Here is her scarecrow. I think it was inspired by ours, Sweet Jane. We had lunch together which we often do on Tuesdays when she is in town. I certainly felt in need of her today. I continue to struggle with my meditation practice, and decided that I'm not ready for Narayan's advanced class. I am not ready to do an intensive retreat which is a requirement to take that class. So instead I will take her metta class which starts on Thursday. That feels right. I'm feeling a little shaky and don't want to push myself in my practice. Slow and steady, that's the best way for now. There may be times in your life to push, but now doesn't feel like the time. Narayan will meet with me after class on Thursday to try to unpack what's going on with my practice. I am grateful for that.

Tonight I had dinner with Kande who is pregnant with twins. We hadn't seen each other in a few weeks so it was really fun to see her big beautiful belly. She is a certified yoga teacher, but had hoped to take my prenatal class this fall. We were both disappointed that it didn't run as it would have been a great way to see each other every week.

Sedum

Sedum is a beautiful plant. It turns dark pink/purple this time of year. I took this picture last week.

Tonight I met up with Becca for dinner. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while, probably not since Open Studios last spring. We were in a book club many years ago, and she invited Mark, thinking that he might fancy one of the single women in the group. 9 years later, here we are. He sure did fancy one of us -- me!

I'm struggling these past few days and not am entirely sure why. I feel very unsettled, quite anxious. There are a lot of changes at work. The manager resigned, her last day was Friday. Today was the last day of one of the clinicians on my team. Another good friend left a few weeks ago. The place feels empty. I am sensitive to changes of this sort. My meditation has been in a difficult phase, too. I am experiencing a lot of fear. For the first 1.5 years, it was literally blissful. So it's gotten quite challenging recently. A part of me wants to quit, to protect myself from the discomfort. The other part of me feels the need to keep going, to face whatever it is that is next. So I'm in that kind of space.

Tomorrow night is the first meditation class of this series with Narayan. The class will be weekly through the first week in December with one exception. I just got an email back from the coordinator that Narayan wants me to take a retreat in late October rather than late November. I am thrilled that she is allowing me to do this, but at the same time I have some anxiety about it as well. Am I ready for this? Will it be too much, too fast?

Sit Alone, Sit with Others

"By sitting with others, even once a week, we reinspire our practice, while in sitting alone we learn self-reliance. Whatever technique one is using, remember that the spirit of practice is more important than the technique. Finding a way to enjoy just sitting is key. Sitting meditation is a refuge, not a test."

–Narayan Liebenson Grady, from “The Refuge of Sitting,” Tricycle, Winter 2003

Narayan has been writing a column for Tricycle Magazine for some years now. I have signed up on their web site to receive a daily quote through email. This is the first time I've seen them use something from Narayan. She has a way of speaking, of writing, that comforts me in an inexplicable way. Today I registered for her weekly class that starts Tuesday and also signed up for a 2 day retreat at the end of November.

I've been feeling quite anxious the last few days. This seems to happen each time I finish a treatment, in this case the surgery. While anticipating or recovering from something, I know what I have to do to deal with it. I'm good at managing intense situations, being in the midst of a crisis, yet somehow it's harder for me when things are quiet. Because then my mind begins to think, "what next". Things feel too open-ended. Too unknown. So I'm feeling quite uncomfortable the last few days.

I've not been finding refuge in my meditation practice. Because I'm anxious anyway, my mind gets all caught up in thinking which makes me feel even more agitated. What has been helpful is practicing asana, the physical aspect of yoga. It helps me feel grounded. The other thing that is really great is gardening. Yesterday Lucy gave me a bunch of plants. I put them in today in the pouring rain. It felt wonderful to be outside, to get really muddy. I read somewhere that dirt actually contains some chemical compound which has been shown to have a calming effect on the human body. That's certainly my experience.

Image by Lola. Greenfield County Fair. September 2009.

Narayan said "Yes"!

Here is my very over-grown city garden. I've been working on it for many, many years now and at this point it's about pulling plants out that are over-crowded rather than trying to make sure it looks full.

Last night I got an email from the meditation center assistant that Narayan has given me permission to attend her "old yogis" class. I am thrilled! And now rather intimidated. She gave permission, but with the understanding that I will attend a retreat at the center in the very near future. The first class will be Tuesday, and will meet almost every week until early December. This term she will focus on "right speech". I'll sign up for a retreat in late November that Narayan and her husband Michael will give. My sister said that maybe she will attend with me. That would be great.

We drove out west late last night as I had a work function to attend. We got here about midnight. Mark and I worked in the yard today, re-planting bushes and winterizing the deck furniture. I like doing projects together because he is a really industrious worker and things always look so much better. In the afternoon I had a play date with Lucy. We got together at her house and I went "shopping" in her garden. She has extensive beds of perennials, so I brought back a lot of plants I don't currently have. It will probably take hours to get everything in tomorrow. We went for a long walk on the dirt road, picked apples, and did a little collage. We were a whirlwind of fun.

This evening Mark and I got together for dinner with Lucy and Rick and Jeff and Karma. We are a really good 6-some and had a lively evening.

Garden Buddha

The garden here in the city is fading, but Buddha still sits happily. I've often thought it would be a fun project to photograph him for a full year, every day. Here he is in late-summer glory.

I'm taking advantage of my newly reclaimed energy by doing lots of socializing. When I told Mark that the surgeon said I'd feel much more energetic after the surgery, Mark said, "oh, oh, I'll never see you again during the week". That's just about what has happened. I love to go to work, then go out almost every night. I find it energizing to be with lots of different people. Last night I went to visit Vanessa, mother of my godchild. Tonight I went to visit Marcia who had a hip replacement last week. She is doing well. Her boyfriend made a wonderful homemade dinner.

I haven't heard back yet from Narayan about whether I can take her "old yogis" class that starts next week. Huh. If she doesn't let me, I will attend another class she is offering the month of October. The same metta course I took last October with her.

My energy feels strong. I rode my bike to work again today. A great way to get in some exercise rather than sitting in traffic. It takes 30 minutes whether I drive or bike. It gives me a little thrill to overtake cars stuck in traffic. That's not very generous of spirit, is it?

Matroyshka dolls

My sister brought the kids over tonight for a visit. She stayed for a while, then went to a party. She rarely has the opportunity to do that. She was happy to get out, I was thrilled to be with The Angels. Their dad came and picked them up later. With them, everything is fun. We went for a walk so I could pick up my medication and visited lots of fun places along the way. I feel like the Pied Piper when I'm with them. There is a Russian store in the neighborhood and Shayna is enamored with matroyshka dolls. They all have fall birthdays so are full of "hints" for auntie about what they'd like.

They are all adjusting well to school. They are doing great. It makes me very happy to be with them. Shayna is particularly tuned in to me and was very happy to see that the incision on my neck is fading fast. It is a blessing to have them in my life.

Baader Meinhof Complex

Today is fall equinox, and the days already seem really short. We wake up and meditate in the dark, and by the time I get home from work, it's too dark to work in the garden. I was hoping to move some plants around tonight, but the light is fading too fast. Plus I want to get to a film, "Baader Meinhof Complex". I don't know much about it other than it sounds intense and takes place in Germany in the 1970's. I love going to the movies -- even by myself -- and seeing something really intense. While eating popcorn.

Apparently we had our last round of layoffs at the hospital today and I am still employed. I feel fortunate because many of the clinicians who have been let go are also bilingual and long-term staff. Every day someone sends around positions at other institutions, so at least there is a sense of trying to help each other out during this scary time.

A friend at work asked me if she can interview me for a monthly magazine from Rhode Island. The editor wants to run a story in January featuring people with big challenges, and how they manage. I was flattered that she asked, and I have agreed to do it. Part of what helps me manage is actually writing this blog. I wonder if I would ever want to open this up to a wider audience?

Morning glories from Iowa

A friend from my hometown in Iowa sent me seeds a few years ago. Here is the result -- beautiful morning glories. I took this picture one morning last week in my garden in the city. Morning glories are wonderful flowers -- it makes me happy to see them each morning. They are tenacious and will climb anything, including other plants. So you have to be sure to train them to grow on a fence, not your lilies!

I am really feeling most excellent. Very energetic. That surgery was a miracle. The scar is healing. It's a little lumpy. The color is just a bit pink. My neck is still somewhat stiff and tender when I touch the spot, but it's healing really well. I rode my bike to work today, then met up with Val at the meditation center. She was the practice leader tonight. Every morning and evening you can go there for a group practice. There is no instruction. The leader rings the bell when the session is over, and closes with a beautiful prayer:

May all beings have ease of mind
May all beings have comfort of heart
May all beings live in love and compassion

Tonight I sat very quietly. I always practice metta at home, but sometimes when I take a class I like to try a different technique such as focusing on the breath. 45 minutes of saying to myself, "inbreath, outbreath". It was really lovely. Tonight I was able to note thought, and to let them go. I felt a lot of spaciousness and peace.

Before the class started, I ran into Narayan's husband Michael. My sister and I went to their meditation class this summer. Since then she has been struggling with some meditation-related issues, and I suggested that maybe one of the teachers would meet with her. "By chance" I saw Michael tonight, I asked if that would be possible. He said, yes, definitely, that she should call the center and make an appointment to see him. And that if he wasn't available in the very near future, he would make an extra interview slot for her. I am just so totally impressed with these people. I feel so fortunate to be part of such a wonderful community of caring people.

I spoke to The Vixen's office this morning and scheduled my next quarterly scans for October 7. Oh boy. That means the whole day at the cancer hospital for a CT scan of pelvis, abdomen and chest, as well as a bone scan that uses a radioactive tracer. There has been no evidence of further spread of cancer since November 2008. Hopefully the Tamoxifen and Lupron are doing their job of zeroing out my estrogen which keeps further cancer at bay. So far so good.

Talk More

Last night I finished this painting, "Talk More". It is the companion piece to the one that Momo bought a few weeks ago. It is 20" x 20", oil on canvas. It is an unusual palette, very cool. I am happy with it. The image isn't great. Mark will use his fancy camera and take a better image of it once it's dry. Mark hung it up for me this morning. He usually hangs the art as I tend to leave holes in the wall when I do it.

We had a relatively quiet weekend. We drove out on Friday night with Ashley, then she drove back with us tonight. We spent most of our time on the hill. The garden is still producing a surprising amount of edibles. I just pulled in a bunch of scallions, beets, acorn squash, red noodle beans and some cucumbers. A very satisfying garden this year.

First Prize

I took this picture last weekend at the county fair. This exhibition was particularly sweet as it featured flower arrangements. Most of them were extremely simple, just a few common flowers in a jar or cheap vase. I was wondering how the judge decided which one won the prize?

We're in the country. It was so cold this morning that we had to drink coffee inside, and needed to light the wood stove. While walking late this afternoon, I met up with a neighbor who is renovating his old farm house. This is the same neighbor with the territorial rooster. His front lawn was strewn with construction debris from the demolition. I asked him if I could look through it. What I found was a motherlode of sculpture materials. Wonderful old wood, some of it nailed together with rusty nails and such. I am very excited about this new direction.

Tomorrow I will drive out to North Adams, Massachusetts, to deliver my first sculpture to the gallery. The show, "Out of the Box", opens Thursday. The gallery members were all invited to create something completely new from the usual way we work. It's kind of scary to show something so different -- but it's good to keep stretching beyond your comfort zone. Unfortunately I won't be able to attend. My job really gets in the way sometimes!

Still

Another picture of Shelbourne Falls, Massachusetts. I took a lot of photos that day. I particularly love towns and cities with a water element.

Here is a poem that Wendy sent today.

Still

I said I will find what is lowly
and put the roots of my identity
down there:
each day I'll wake up
and find the lowly nearby,
a handy focus and reminder,
a ready measure of my significance,
the voice by which I would be heard,
the wills, the kinds of selfishness
I could
freely adopt as my own:

but though I have looked everywhere,
I can find nothing
to give myself to:
everything is

magnificent with existence, is in
surfeit of glory:
nothing is diminished,
nothing has been diminished for me:

I said what is more lowly than the grass:
ah, underneath,
a ground-crust of dry-burnt moss:
I looked at it closely
and said this can be my habitat: but
nestling in I
found
below the brown exterior
green mechanisms beyond the intellect
awaiting resurrection in rain: so I got up

and ran saying there is nothing lowly in the universe:
I found a beggar:
he had stumps for legs: nobody was paying
him any attention: everybody went on by:
I nestled in and found his life:
there, love shook his body like a devastation:
I said
though I have looked everywhere
I can find nothing lowly
in the universe:

I whirled though transfigurations up and down,
transfigurations of size and shape and place:

at one sudden point came still,
stood in wonder:
moss, beggar, weed, tick, pine, self, magnificent
with being!



~ A. R. Ammons ~

At last, normal calcium

At last, normal calcium! Today was my monthly visit to the Dana Farber. I alternate visits with Anne Kelly, nurse practicioner, and my beautiful red-haired vixen Dr. Ann Patridge, aka The Vixen. Today I met with the NP who is a wonderful, warm person. My calcium levels are 9.1. Normal is 8.8 - 10.5. What a relief. I am feeling great. I rode my bike to work, then back to the Dana, then home. It gives me a thrill to be able to bike to the oncologist, given my dreadful prognosis. So far, very good.

I saw The Vixen briefly. We hugged and got a nice energy , hit of each other. I truly love that woman. She joked, "good thing I just got double-boarded in medicine. Who needs primary care? I was able to diagnose something so subtle". We all got a good chuckle. I'll get scanned next month and will meet with her that same day. Given that I'm doing so well, we've agreed that I'll take the Zometa infusion next month, then will take it on a quarterly basis. I'm very happy about this. Zometa has some scary side effects so I am eager to get off it as soon as possible, one of which is necrosis of the jaw. It's used to control calcium (no longer needed in my case) but to also protect bones from further invasion of cancer cells.

The incision is healing well. Today I didn't use a scarf. No more glue or scab. Just a tender, pink line.

Here is another image that I took in Shelbourne Falls a few weeks ago on the Bridge of Flowers. I think it's a clematis. I still have beautiful morning glories. I got the seeds a few years ago from a friend in Iowa. And the hydrangeas are in full bloom. I love taking pictures of flowers and plants.

Dick and Jane

This evening I went over to visit The Angels. Shayna just started 2nd grade, Luke has started kindergarten and Zoey has started pre-school. Luke has started to read. He read to me from the Dick and Jane series. I was quite impressed. Initially I thought he had memorized it (which would be great in itself) but he was struggling to sound out some words, so he's really doing it. Shayna played a song on a little electronic piano and Zoey sang me a fireman song that she learned in school today. My sister has asked me not to post images of them, so you will have to imagine how cute they are. Shayna has gotten into a stage where she likes me to tell her stories of my life. One of her favorites is about Brazil. Tonight I told her about Bali. She is a good listener and actually remembers what I tell her, and later asks for more details.

Today I emailed Narayan to beg her to let me take her advanced meditation class series this fall. The requirements are 3 years of daily meditation practice as well as retreat experience. I have been practicing for just 18 months now. I asked if she would consider the 8 years of pranayama practice (yoga breathing). I clearly don't meet the criteria. I am anxious to see what she will say. I may not have another 18 months of life. It feels urgent to be with her.

My sister is surprised that I haven't made more changes to my life, considering my prognosis. I told her tonight that the only thing I really, really want is a deeper connection with Narayan.

The Heat Islands

So we're both back to work. It was hard to get up at 6am as it was quite dark. We did our meditation together, then I was on to backbend practice. It is amazing how much better my body feels. I was able to push up into a few urdhva dhanurasanas (upward facing bow) with more ease. I'm still stiff from the radiation to both hip and chest, but nonetheless the practice is much easier post parathyroid surgery. What a blessing!

Work is fine. There are a lot of changes going on. The manager of 4 years is leaving, my good friend Lourdes left after 20+ years. Another team member got laid-off. There are lots of emails going around with job outside our system. For the first time in a long time, I thought, maybe it's time to look around. I saw a job posting at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute for a palliative care/grief coordinator. That intrigues me. In a way I'm satisfied with my work, but a part of me yearns to work in the cancer world, to somehow make more use of my interest in spirituality and mental health. Would it be weird to apply for a job in an institution where I am already a patient?

I'm reading Jack Kornfield's "A Path With Heart" and am in a section which is disturbing. One chapter is entitled "The Spiritual Roller Coaster: Kundalini and Other Side Effects". He talks about all the weird things that can happen as a result of meditation. He says that initially one develops a spirit of calm and steadiness, but that this is just a beginning. He writes, "This collectedness and steadiness of heart is a gateway to other realms of experience. Through our repeated meditation or prayer, through deep and consistent practice of yoga and concentration... we find ourselves powerfully present, unimpeded by any inner distraction. With this newfound full attention, our consciousness actually shifts into different and radically new perceptions." He goes on to describe different kinds of sensory experiences such as altered physical sensations (chills, movements, lights, floating, vibrations, delight). So far, so good, right? Then he moves on to kriyas which are powerful spontaneous releases of physical energy. Kinetic rapture: pleasant thrills throughout the body. Visions of colored lights. The body dissolving into light. The shape of the body may seem to shift. Temperature, solidity and vibration may simultaneously change. Or other altered physical perceptions such as feeling the body stretched out gigantically tall or becoming very short. Hearing voices, inner music. Floods of memories, images of past lives, scenes of foreign lands, pictures of heavens and hells, the energies of all the great archetypes. Experiencing unconscious emotions. THEN he moves on to the chakras and what can happen there. It is wild stuff -- and nothing I want to experience!

And here I am thinking that all I want to do in meditation is open my heart! To love! So needless to say all this frightens me enormously. I'm familiar with descriptions of altered perceptions from the yoga literature as well. Nothing like that has ever happened to me in 16 years of daily practice, and I've never know anyone who reports these kinds of experiences. I wonder what Narayan would say about all that? Jack Kornfield says that none of this necessarily happens and I'm guessing that it would only happen with an intense practice, like on a year-long retreat or something like that. Isn't that wild stuff? And there is much, much more in his book that he describes.

To balance out my reading and not get too esoteric, I will put Jack Kornfield down for a while, and am now reading another mystery by Randy Wayne White, "The Heat Islands". Your basic who-done-it story set in south Florida. This is the 3rd book I've read by him and while I wouldn't recommend him as a must-read writer, it's fun and light.

"Julie and Julia"

I took this photo in Shelbourne Falls last week on the Bridge of Flowers. A beautiful dahlia. I attempted to put in dahlias this year but by the time I opened the bag, they were rotten and smelly. What a disappointment. I never bothered to buy more. Gardeners around New England are weighing what worked this season, and how next year will be just perfect. Are gardeners optimistic by temperment? We had a great harvest today of acorn and butternut squash. So satisfying.

So it's back to work for both of us. A friend from work called a few days ago to let me know that my employer is instituting time clocks! Apparently we will have to swipe in and will get docked if we are late -- and I am almost always late. This will be an adjustment -- I've grown accustomed these last 2 weeks to sleeping in and having a leisurely day. Oh well.

Wednesday I will see The Vixen for my monthly oncology visit. She routinely draws my blood. I hope that the calcium levels are where they should be. I'm feeling pretty terrific. I am back to doing handstands easily, and yesterday was able to get into forearm balance (pincamayurasana). I'm feeling strong and sturdy like I always have.

As a quick note, "Julie and Julia" was a fabulous film. We all just loved it. Meryl Streep rocks!

Meditation is an Accident

I took this photo on Wednesday when we were in Shelbourne Falls with Daddy-O. It is a cute little town, "famous" for their Bridge of Flowers. The old bridge across the river has been transformed into a pedestrian walkway and on both sides are wonderful banks of flowers. It is maintained by the community and is supported in part by donations. You can't help but feel happy as you walk along it with the seasonal mix colors, textures and community spirit.

I was reading an article in Yoga Journal today by Frank Jude Boccio entitled "Be the Sky". He attributes this to Swami Satchidananda: "Meditation is an accident, and yoga practices make us accident prone". It made me laugh, but also think. I've been reading Jack Kornfield as well, and have been asking myself the most basic question the last few weeks: what is meditation, anyway? In his books he gives a myriad of different ways to work (including metta). Really, though, I agree with Boccio when he writes, "meditation is ultimately not something that we do, but is rather a state that arises when all 'doing' is done with." I spend a lot of time and energy on concentration, on technique. Maybe that's what you need to do in the beginning. Anyway, I'd like to think that perhaps one day I will be able to drop directly into that state. I still experience a lot of distracting thoughts. A lot!

Daddy-O and Tony left this morning on their way back home to New Jersey. It was sad to see him go, knowing that at age 85 we might not see him again. We comforted ourselves by talking about how much he seemed to enjoy the visit.

I spent most of today (really rainy) in the studio. I am working on one painting that is all structure in cool colors, and the other set is free-flowing with a warm palette. It is surprisingly not confusing but rather liberating to be able to mix it up like that.

Tonight we're meeting Karma and Jeff to see "Julie and Julia".

My First Sculpture

The first image is Bill holding my first sculpture which is apropos as he helped me put it together yesterday. The second image is the piece resting on the new railing for the deck. The wooden base was formerly a carpenter's tool box; the head is made of a horseshoe; the face is a cickle bar mower knife; the trunk is a catalytic converter cover; the legs are from an old harrow. Most of the pieces I found in the woods out here. Yesterday I found lots of wonderful things in Lucy's woods dump, and today Mark gave me some scraps from the deck project. I am very excited to be working 3-D. I've wanted to for a long time but somehow felt unsure about it. But hey, who's judging?

Today we spent a rainy afternoon at the county agricultural fair. We had a really fun time, eating french fries, fried dough and caramel popcorn. Daddy-O said, "aren't there a lot of fat people around here?". That cracked us up. As we stood in line for more fried food... Daddy-O really had a good time. He told us he hasn't eaten caramel corn in 50 years. I think that it's been a good visit. Every day we attempted to take him somewhere new, and I think we succeeded in that.

Today's other news is that my prenatal yoga class, scheduled to start next week, didn't fill, so I won't be teaching, at least for now. I'm disappointed. We will try to postpone the start date and see if we can get enough students in the future.

Building the Deck

I took this picture of Bill a few days ago, building our new deck. He has done many major and minor projects for us over the last few years. The deck is moving along; he's doing a terrific job. Mark and I intend to turn this into a party house! Bill is making built-in benches and planters as well as a tall structure for lights and hanging baskets. We are really excited about this project.

Today I drove out to Lucy's house, about 45 minutes west. I packed all my playthings, knowing that we had too many fun things to do in too little time. Her sister and brother-in-law were there; her husband Rick arrived later in the afternoon. Lucy is a great cook and seemingly throws a great meal together with such ease. We went for a long walk. She has discovered a dump site on their land which consists mostly of old glass bottles and rusty farm equipment. We had a blast, digging through the debris. We found an incredible amount of intact funky old glass bottles. I am also collecting rusty metal parts as I'm starting to get excited about doing some 3-dimensional pieces. I finished one today, my first. I'll post the image tomorrow.

And for a real treat, we did our meditation practice in her tree house down by the brook. I have meditated outside only a handful of times. The tree house is cool because it is about 20 feet off the ground (it's build on a steep hill). It's screened in so there were no bugs. For whatever reason(s), I felt very focused and still today. It was a great experience.

Just a few more days out here... tomorrow Mark's brother Tony will drive up from New Jersey and will spend the night. Saturday he will drive Daddy-O back to New Jersey.

I decided to forgo riding on the town float in the county agricultural fare this evening, but we hope to get down there between now and Sunday. One of the big draws is a demolition derby which I have never seen before. As well as livestock competitions and draft horse and oxen draws. Can it get any more rural than this? We're loving it.

Buddha Bar

Here's a little synthronicity: Momo was recently in San Francisco's Chinatown, and send this image of a bar called "Buddha", while I'm reading Tom Robbin's "B is for Beer". In one passage, the beer fairy is describing the experience of transcendence to a 6 year old named Gracie Perkel: "some people call it transcendence, some used to call it magic... before that word got used up. It's a mixture of pure love, unlimited freedom, and total spontaneous, instantaneous knowledge of everything past, present, and future... there are those who regard it as a blast of divine energy, originating in Heaven... there're also people who are content to refer to it simply as the Mystery... people are attracted to the Mystery... they are unconsciously pulled toward it, they hunger for it, they yearn to connect with it, to get next to it, even to merge with it. There's something more to life than what television and the mall represent: there's that something grander and stranger, more alive, more free and more real than what any ordinary situation has to offer. The older you get, the harder it is to interface with the Mystery. Yet adults thirst for that connection..."

Tom Robbins must be a student of Buddhism. I love this passage!

Today we took Daddy-O on an outing to another wonderful hill town, Shelbourne Falls. We ran into Lucy and her sister and brother-in-law. It was a surprise as I didn't expect them out here yet. We had lunch together at a cute little place with most excellent food. This town is also like something out of the distant past. There is a pharmacy with a soda fountain, just like the one in my hometown in Iowa. A young girl behind the old-fashioned counter serves up simple cones, shakes, frappes and sundaes. I sat next to an older guy who Mark said smelled like gin. Next to him was seated a young man just back from military boot camp. Daddy-O spied two older men with army and navy caps -- he always wears his very proudly. It was interesting to see how they connected immediately. I also found a store that specializes in used books and ephemera. I bought some old bingo cards for 25 cents each that will be perfect for collage.

I took a long walk when I got home. I walked by a huge field and had the urge to walk into the tall grass, lie down on my back and throw open my arms. I was feeling joyful and totally at peace. I wanted to surrender, to say "thank you", to celebrate being alive. I felt in touch with the Mystery. Then I thought -- grass always looks more comfortable than it actually is, it's deer tick season, etc. So I kept on walking. The beer fairy was whispering in my ear: behold the Mystery! It was a beautiful moment. I later ran into Karen and another neighbor who are on the Board of Selectmen. Tomorrow is the start of the county fair, and Bill invited me to ride on the town's float. Wouldn't that be a hoot? He is looking for a cow outfit -- I said I wouldn't mind dressing up as a cow.

On the hill

Here are some photos that I took last night. Mark and his dad; Mark giving a refresher in archery to Karen and Sayword. The last time either of them had taken up a bow and arrow was in camp as girls. I'd never been exposed to archery until this summer. Karen and I both have big bruises on our left inner elbows from [unwanted] contact with the string. The bow has a surprising heft to it. It was fun, all of us taking turns and then trooping into the woods to find our wayward arrows. I never hit the target at all!

Another quiet day on the hill. We ventured off just to go to the little town next door for some provisions. Otherwise we've been right here. Our friend, neighbor and builder Bill has been here last week and this week, putting on a new deck. Daddy-O likes to be involved in everything, so Bill and Mark have been able to find little jobs for him. I think he's having a good time. He's kind of a quiet guy so it's hard to tell. He's unstable on his feet so we have to watch him on the stairs. Other than that, he is totally self-reliant and easy to be with.

I started a new painting, 24" x 24". Finishing up the partner to the one that Maureen bought. Letting the new pair dry. I don't usually work wet-on-wet.

I'm feeling good. I'm starting to get really restless -- a sure sign that my energy is back. Tomorrow I will need to do a major outing -- I may drive out to North Adams and go to the MASSMOCA. I wish that I was content to stay on this hill for days on end, but my nature seems to need more stimulation than I can provide myself.Even so, I am very happy that I'm taking 2 weeks off from work. What a gift.

Emptiness

I'm slowly reading one of Jack Kornfield's early books, "A Path With Heart". In a chapter entitled "Necessary Healing", he describes emptiness. I love how he describes this concept and how it relates to non-self. The way he writes is so beautiful anyway, and he makes a difficult subject so accessible. This is the best description that I have ever encountered. "In Buddhist teaching, 'emptiness' refers to a basic openness and nonseparation that we experience when all small and fixed notions of our self are seen through or dissolved. We experience it when we see that our existence is transitory, that our body, heart and mind arise out of the changing web of life, where nothing is disconnected or separate. The deepest experiences in meditation lead us to an intimate awareness of life's essential openness and emptiness, of its everchanging and unpossessable nature, of its nature as an unstoppable process." I read this passage last night and was thinking about it as I approached my morning meditation. It's like a light went off in my head, and I suddenly understand something I've been grappling with for many years. Suddenly the idea of "non-self" makes sense, is not threatening, and I am drawn more deeply into the practice. Thich Nhat Hanh describes it as "inter-being". I like that term much better than "non-self".

I'm feeling so much better. For the first time in many weeks, I was able to kick up into handstand. That felt so empowering. I tentatively walked in, lifted up my leg, and took a little hop. I was up! No big effort. My neck began to feel a little weird so I didn't stay long, but it was fantastic. I tried both sides for good measure and was able to kick up with each leg. I then worked on backbends, and was able to push up a little easier from the floor. I was tentative about flexing my neck too deeply, but it was fine. By the time I finished meditation and yoga, I felt totally blissed out.

I later went for a 4 mile walk, and felt so strong in my body. Prior to the surgery I felt so weak. It seemed at as though my muscles were deeply hugging my leg bones. I felt very solid.

The photo is of Jeff and Karma, visiting today on their horses. I pulled carrots from the soil and apples from the trees as a treat for Joey and Diamond. I loved Diamond's headdress. He looks like a gypsy.

Tonight Karen and Sayword came over for archery, followed by dinner. I'll post some of those images tomorrow.

Dressage at Xenophon Farms

It's challenging to find activities to do with Daddy-O as he is pretty much deaf and not too sure of foot. Karma and Jeff invited us to watch a dressage competition today, and it was a lovely outing. Jeff was competing in two events, dressage and jumping. Mark took almost 200 photos today and here is one of Jeff and Joey, jumping over a 2 foot 9 inch course. None of us had ever seen an event like this. Daddy-O really liked it. He surprised us tonight by his observations. Sometimes we assume that he's not paying attention, but he was really into it.

I'm working on a new set of paintings. The original lines were inspired by Ellis, our 4 year old friend who visited in late July. I took them in an entirely new direction last night, inspired by 5 year old Luke. He gave me a drawing he had done and he was thrilled when I told him that I'd borrow his design.

The weather is fantastic. It was hot in the sun today, but it's almost cold at night. You can see your breath in the morning. It's a relief for me, to let go of the heat and humidity. Hot flashes and summer are a bad combination.

This week in meditation I'm working with "all beings" which is a challenging category for practice. I continue to feel this expansiveness, which is sometimes really wonderful but other times ungrounding. It's mind-blowing to consider "all beings". How can your heart possibly open that much? How can your mind open that much? "All beings" induces a state of non-self which is what you want your practice to include. My understanding slowly continues to develop.

Daddy-O

Ashley took this photo of Mark and I last Sunday, the evening before the surgery.

Today I went off the hill. Our town is so small that we don't have our own zip code or post office. There is not a single store, not even a gas station. We have a library the size of a postage stamp, town hall, a Christian church, volunteer fire station and a police station. There are, however, 2 spiritual retreat centers and lots of farms. I just got back from my first 4 mile walk since the surgery. I saw two neighbors, both wearing cowboy hats. Tractors. Cut hay in the fields. Oh how I love it here. My body is feeling more solid, I walk with more confidence. Prior to surgery I felt so fragile, as if I would fracture with a misstep or impact. I'm practicing standing poses. My sister gave me some small hand weights which I think I'll use to rebuild bone and muscle strength.

I am sporting neck scarves this week. Lucy gave me two that belonged to her mother-in-law. Vintage! I went to see Deborah today and she said I looked French with a neck scarf and striped t-shirt. I don't like the Frankenstein look and have always loved accessories in any case.

Mark and his dad arrived in early afternoon. We call him Daddy-O. He spends a week with us each summer, plus other weekend visits. He is a really good guy and easy to be around. He is 85 and loves to help. Already he has vacuumed the floor and sussed out garden projects. He really loves to run the weed whacker. It gives me a lot of pleasure to take good care of him. In this case, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Mark is like him in many ways - steady, loving, unconditional.

B is for Beer

Since I was a small kid I have always loved libraries. We grew up in a rural area in northwest Iowa and my dad always kept horses. One of my happiest memories is riding our horses to town, tying them up to a cherry tree, and going into the library on a hot summer afternoon. We kids did that on our own -- it was an era of no adult supervision. I recall those experiences every time I go into a public library these days. The smell, the sense of excitement -- what might you find? On my last visit, I found this new book by Tom Robbins, "B is for Beer". I read a lot of Tom Robbins in college. He was very popular with "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues". I couldn't believe that it was the very same author, writing a children's book. You just never know. It is entertaining and still off-beat enough to recognize as his style.

Today I've stayed on the hill. The nurse called and told me how to adjust the medication. I didn't have to go to the lab for a blood draw as the tingling has resolved. I'll take the medication through Monday.

I am now convinced that the anesthesia makes me really hyper. For the first time today, I was able to rest. I took a nap. Worked a little in the studio. Transplanted some day lilies. A quiet, restful day. As I do get restless when alone for too long, I am looking forward to seeing Karma and Jeff for dinner tonight. I am really glad that I am taking next week off as well. I need this time and space. Three big surgeries within 12 months -- it's enough!

Calcium Levels

Today was all about calcium levels. The last few days I've been feeling intermittent tingling of my lips, hands and feet. This morning I called the surgeon's office, and was told to increase the calcium supplements. I feel like a yo-yo. Initially I was told to take 4 per day for 10 days. Yesterday (based on blood test) I was told to take 2 per day for 5 days. Today they said to take 8 per day until Monday. I'm supposed to call tomorrow and depending on what I report, they may want me to go to the local hospital for another blood draw. No big deal, but I was really hoping to be done with this already. It can get dangerous if the levels drop too much, requiring IV calcium. So I'll be "good" and do what I'm told. Being rebellious by nature it's hard to follow the rules.

Otherwise physically I'm feeling really good. I almost have full range of motion in my neck. Amy and I took the kids trail riding today, and I was able to stay ahead of Lightning (the horse that Luke rode) for 2 hours in the woods, across some difficult footing at times. We took out 3 horses with each kid on a horse and an adult leading the horse on a halter. The kids had a blast, we got a good workout, and it was most excellent. Beautiful early September weather with clear skies and warm sun.

We drove out here spontaneously yesterday, and they left in late afternoon. Highlights of their visit was picking apples and pears off our trees, finding the last of the blueberries and raspberries, and making a huge vegetable harvest. They are keen on Monopoly -- we played
for hours -- and spent some time in the studio. The Angels warm aunty's heart.

I'm here by myself until Saturday when Mark arrives with his dad. Mark will drive to NJ on Friday night, and drive back here with his dad on Saturday. His dad will spend the week with us. I'm not great at being alone but am getting better at it.

may she sing a beautiful song to you

Today's image is a painting by an amazing artist, my friend and former studio mate Chris Chou. She sent it yesterday and said, "may she sing a beautiful song to you". May she sing a beautiful song for all of us.

My recovery is going a little more slowly than I had anticipated, but I'm doing fine. The surgeon gave the impression that I would be 100% immediately -- did he not account for anesthesia and having my neck opened up? It's unusual for a doctor to be so positive -- usually they scare you half to death with what could go wrong. Oh well. I'm sleeping quite well. My energy is returning. This morning I walked to the hospital for the blood draw, then walked further to an art supply store. It was a bit much; I came home and Mark made me sit on the couch. He's a great caretaker. The nurse called and I'll take the supplements through Saturday. Then I'm done with this problem! I'll see the surgeon in a few weeks for follow-up. My calcium level is within normal now, although on the high end. The nurse said it's normal and all is well. Sigh of relief.

Lucy came over for lunch. She brought me a couple of neck scarves. I look a little like Frankenstein!

My sister has offered to drive me out to the country this afternoon. We'll go with the angels, and are hoping to take them horseback riding tomorrow. I feel extremely well supported and taken care of. I don't return to work til 9/14 so will have plenty of time to restore myself prior to returning to work.

Singing Bowls

I'm feeling OK, considering. I have limited range of motion in my neck, tenderness around the incision, some swelling. All normal, to be expected. What I've noticed is that my back pain is gone! My low back has always been sensitive, and occasionally flares up. After radiation to my hip, my low back bothered me a lot, especially as I slept. Miraculously, it feels perfectly pain-free since yesterday. The other thing I noticed is that for the first time in some weeks, I can sit in meditation on a cushion, rather than stacking up 2 yoga blocks. My right hip had been bothering me, too. Now that's cleared up as well. I'm liking this!

I got a call from the nurse today, telling me to go to the hospital lab tomorrow for a blood draw. The surgeon said I could get calcium levels checked anytime; he was non-specific about it, perhaps a little cavalier. The nurse said it's protocol to have it checked 24-48 hours after surgery, so I'll walk over tomorrow and get it taken. I'm taking massive amounts of vitamin D and calcium, and they need to get levels to make sure I'm at the right dose.

Today Lulu came over for a visit. We walked to a local New Age crystal store. She was in search of a Tibetan singing bowl to use in the classroom. She starts teaching next week. She tried a number of them, and finally found the perfect one. She gave me a card with this poem:

TODAY

I
Do not
Want to step so quickly
Over a beautiful line on God's palm
As I move through the earth's
Marketplace
Today.

I do not want to touch any object in this world
Without my eyes testifying to the truth
That everything is
My Beloved.

Something has happened
To my understanding of existence
That now makes my heart always full of wonder
And kindness.

I do not
Want to step so quickly
Over this sacred place on God's body
That is right beneath your
Own foot

As I
Dance with
Precious life
Today.

~ Hafiz ~

The Angels are back in town, and I watched them for a few hours this afternoon while my sister attended a last-minute staff meeting at school. I have missed them so. For some reason one of our activities was cleaning the house. My sister has always said I'm a little like Tom Sawyer, getting others to help me with things I don't really want to do. They thought it was a blast, dusting the furniture and cleaning the floors. Zoey's job was putting my jewelry back in the box and cleaning the baseboards with a damp cloth. I took them to the crystal store where they were thrilled with the $1 stones. Now they all want to build a collection.

What I didn't do today was rest. But that's my usual. Tonight we will deliver Ashley's things to her new apartment. Tomorrow I think I will head out west if I'm feeling up to it.

Here is Lulu.