"Gifting What is Precious"

"Gifting What is Precious" 

When we give, we need to do so with the awareness that our gift will be both appropriate and helpful. It is not an act of generosity, for example, to give money to a wealthy person or alcohol to a child. We also give what we can afford; we don’t jeopardize our own health or well-being. At the same time, we can give what is precious to us, what is difficult to give, because of our attachment to it. 

- Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, "Generosity (and Greed) Introduction" 

This  was today's email from tricycle.com

I remember as a child, when going to church, I often had the feeling that the sermon was directed at me.  Just what I needed to hear at that moment. In a good way. And the same is true with the daily email from Tricycle.com. I have several friends who also subscribe, and they say the same thing.

It is December, and I'm doing my gift-a-day project. This may be my fourth year. I think I started in 2009. I read an article in Yoga Journal, a review of a book written by a woman who had a devastating medical diagnosis. Her spiritual teacher advised that the best "medicine" would be to be generous to others, even though her whole world collapsed and she was consumed with her own situation. So I decided I'd do that practice for the entire month of December, which has always been an emotionally difficult month for me. Probably for lots of us!

I will be away at a silent retreat for 7 of those days. So what I've decided to do is to slip some cash in their "dana" box, i.e. donations. Of course I would love to bring a gift a day for Narayan, but I don't think she would like that idea. I will ask her tomorrow night if she would agree to that, but I suspect she will say to use the "dana" box. 

I got an email from Google that I have maxed out on my data usage and need to pay a very small monthly fee to post images again. Shall I?

Art Show: The Way Home

This poem was published in Cyclamens and Swords, an online literary magazine. It was written by my dear friend, P. Sayword.

Art Show: The Way Home


A curtain of snow closes in, first far hills,

then closer, the valley gone, trees blotted out,

the sky pulls down fast and hard and a great flock

of pinyon jays is the only blue.


On Sunday afternoon people spoke of the way home

seeking direction through canvases of oil,

acrylic paintings hanging on the wall,

the naked coyote skull bright with nail polish,


to enter the smell of crimson paint and golden wax,

bones of the dead, the burnt fur of forgetting,

the hiss and cluck of our tongues as they run

over our teeth, our unspoken needs.


Is home where platters of steaming food

sit waiting on a wooden table, laid out with

careful hands, a woman humming softly

in the doorway of a white kitchen,

or is it in the blood on our knees as we crawl up

long stone steps to empty stars where

god and mary and all the angels

hide behind a crazed light promising forever,


is home what we imagine we remember

being held close to a beating heart,

our cheeks flushed hot with sweat,

blue rim of breast milk on our eager lips,


is it desire and delight as a lover stirs

between our legs, singing us beyond all the

words we ever knew, where panting and sated

we beg for something close to mercy,


or are the directions home slipped into a corner

of an old map where our handwriting is illegible

yet we understand its meaning, the colors staining

our fingers with a faith we thought we’d lost.


The pinyon jays move off, treetop to treetop

and still the snow comes in, thick with silence

a vast smudge of gray, smoky and dense,

layered over what remains of our lives.

On Friday I am going to Insight Meditation Society (known to yogis as simply "IMS") in Barre, Massachusetts, for a 7 day silent retreat. When they say silent, they mean silent. No talking. No reading or writing. No electronic devices. Eyes downcast. The only time you can communicate is when you have an interview with one of the teachers. Every evening there is a dharma talk so there is some communication. When I went in January for 4 days, there were also group interviews. But I am not sure about the format of this one. Narayan is teaching which is my real motivation for going. I am kind of anxious about it but I feel ready. Or as ready as I will ever be! She tells me that if I need her, I should just leave a note for her and she will find me.

This feels like the right next step in my spiritual life. Daily life can be so hectic with so many demands on your time -- from others as well as from yourself. In the past I have been terrified about doing this. People often wonder -- will I go crazy? Or remember things I don't want to? It is the ultimate way to find out who you are -- from the inside out, with very little external source of reference.

It will definitely be interesting! Given that I tend to be a rule-breaker, I will have to decide before it starts whether I will do it completely. Or whether I'll feel compelled to cheat in some way. I hope I can fully commit. It is an amazing opportunity! People say it can be life-transformative. It was powerful when I did the 4 day program last winter. Let's see what this one brings!