Whispering in his ear

Every now and then I wonder if it's OK to share stories about other people. And that's the case with this post. Narayan gave a talk on Tuesday night that was deeply personal. It was recorded which she never does in that format. A friend at work says, "it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission". So I'll go with that today. I can't stop thinking about her talk.

The back story is: the week before, meditation class was cancelled because we were told that her father had a heart attack and she had gone to be with him. She would mention him sometimes; he was well into his 90's. I sent her a hand-written note, wishing them all ease.

Tuesday night as she began her talk, she shared that he had died. And went on to describe in great detail all that went on: the decisions she and her sisters were called on to make; stories about how her father had grown into a more loving person as he got older; his very last moments as she sat by his side, just the two of them. There came the moment right before he died when she knew it was time to take her hands off him (one on his heart, the other on his head) so that he could have permission to completely let go of this life. We were all blown away by this talk.

The part that really struck me was what happened as he lay dying. She leaned in close and whispered in his ear, an intimate conversation for just the two of them. Encouraging him to consider the possibility of  what might be beyond this life other than absolutely nothing. Encouraging him to let go. Calming him as the fear can be intense as one dies. Loving him intensely, completely devoted to him. And allowing him to pass as we all inevitably must.

As she closed the talk, she choked up, voice breaking as she read a couple of sutras. Tears fell from all of us. So beautiful, so amazing.

It brought up a lot for all of us listening to this. For me, I reflected on the death of both of my parents. They both died at age 43, several years apart, in motor vehicle accidents. My dad died first, when I was 14, in a motorcycle accident. My mother died when I was 20, a passenger in a car accident. No one was with them, they died alone, presumably instantly. That made me feel very, very sad and tearful even as I write this. It also made me think about my own inevitable death -- and how I hope that Narayan will be at my side. I've talked to her about this, and she has assured me that she will be with me if at all possible.

After class I was chatting with friends (of course!) and putting on my bike clothes as she walked out of the hall. We were alone. She stood before me, completely luminous, totally beautiful. I asked if I could hug her and she stepped right into me. When I look into her eyes, I see into other worlds. You look straight through her into something else entirely. Indescribable. Like looking into eternity. Or love. Or compassion.

Another aspect of being with Narayan is that I can't sleep! After any personal contact with her, I feel charged up. It takes a long time to fall asleep afterwards. In other traditions they call it "shaktipat". I will ask her about that sometime.

"Visions From Afar"

I'm more inspired to blog as lots of friends have been telling me that they've been checking for updates...

Yes, I am starting a private psychotherapy practice. I have a 4-hour block on Monday evenings. I have applied to 3 insurance panels and am waiting for final approval from Blue Cross and haven't heard anything from the other two. It's a rather lengthy wait, usually 1-2 months. I wish I'd applied earlier but it's a chicken/egg situation. You have to have an office address and other clinicians who will sign your applications so there's really no way around the wait. But that's OK. In the meantime Lucy (where would I be without her?) is building my therapy web site. I ordered business cards and notepaper. Other than that, there is not a whole lot of overhead.

One of the areas I'd like to focus on is breast cancer survivors. I know a lot about that! Lucy (again, brilliant) suggested that I contact her daughter-in-law who directs a breast center at a Harvard teaching hospital. So I did, and she wrote back to say that they have been wanting to contact me anyway. They are inviting me to teach yoga for breast cancer -- which is exactly what I've been wanting to do. And will invite me in to meet the inter-disciplinary team. And will link to my web site as a preferred provider. So with just that one connection, I have more than enough work for my 4 hours/week. Unfortunately, right? So many of us with breast cancer. In the last week I know of 2 who have had mastectomies.

My art life continues very strong. In December I was invited to make work for a show called "Visions from Afar". Here is the link:

"Visions from Afar"

Trish and I made a collaborative piece called "There and Back Again". Maybe I will pay Google the monthly fee to include images here. I'd love to share this work! Drop-off is today and tomorrow, the opening reception is a week from Thursday. Meanwhile I'm working all my press contacts to get coverage.

Trish and I are already planning our next collaborative piece which will be in a show at Brickbottom Gallery in Somerville in late May.

And Mark -- has just sold his first photographs! Kudos to him. He sold 2 black and white photos. I really love them both. Fortunately with photography it is easy to reproduce! So we can have our own copies.

Metta Sutta

I had an interview with Narayan on Monday, then class with her on Tuesday. Since last fall we are working on the theme of metta. Metta is my primary practice; I practice insight very infrequently. So I am loving this series of classes. Some students really struggle with metta; as I struggle with insight practice. Often she breaks us into dyads to discuss our practice or sometimes we meet in small groups. Tuesday she asked us to meet in small groups. We are working with the category of "all beings" and asked us to discuss with each other how we approach this. There are 6 billion people on the planet -- and then all the animals -- and then the unborn. How can one include "ALL" in one's metta practice?

The week before we were in dyads, and my partner said that she works with this category by visualizing how we all have a beating heart. Regardless of our personal story, that is part of our commonality. That is how she related to "all". This week one of my group members talked about how abstract it is to relate to all beings. He said that he is moved to tears every time he hears or reads the metta sutta. He holds it as an aspiration. Here it is:
This is to be done by one skilled in aims who wants to break through to the state of peace: Be capable, upright, & straightforward, easy to instruct, gentle, & not conceited, content & easy to support, with few duties, living lightly, with peaceful faculties, masterful, modest, & no greed for supporters. Do not do the slightest thing that the wise would later censure. Think: Happy, at rest, may all beings be happy at heart. Whatever beings there may be, weak or strong, without exception, long, large, middling, short, subtle, blatant, seen & unseen, near & far, born & seeking birth: May all beings be happy at heart. Let no one deceive another or despise anyone anywhere, or through anger or irritation wish for another to suffer. As a mother would risk her life to protect her child, her only child, even so should one cultivate a limitless heart with regard to all beings. With good will for the entire cosmos, cultivate a limitless heart: Above, below, & all around, unobstructed, without enmity or hate. Whether standing, walking, sitting, or lying down, as long as one is alert, one should be resolved on this mindfulness. This is called a sublime abiding here & now. Not taken with views, but virtuous & consummate in vision, having subdued desire for sensual pleasures, one never again will lie in the womb.

Interview With Narayan

Narayan, my beloved meditation teacher, offers individual interviews about once every 6 months. For members, and if you sign up right away for the next available slot. These are precious encounters! You get 20 minutes. That's it. But an amazing amount of love gets shared in that brief encounter. Enough to sustain me for months. As I left the house last night to go see her, I said to Mark, "how does one prepare for a conversation with Jesus?". That's how I experience her -- one of those rare enlightened beings. I told her that as I arrived, and she laughed and wondered what Mark made of such a funny statement. She is both rarefied and down-to-earth.

She had written me an email a few weeks ago which I responded to, asking how I was. I wrote back from "samsara-land" so she had a basic idea about what was going on.

We started with my retreat experience -- which was absolutely terrible. 7 days of silence with no eye contact was tortuous to me. I felt like I was in a psych ward with everyone shuffling around and no eye contact. It totally freaked me out. I also strongly disliked the male teacher that she often presents with. At some point in the retreat it occurred to me why this was such an impossible situation -- it was like being a tiny kid with my severely depressed mother. I felt utterly, relentlessly alone and terrified. The story goes that when I was as little as 2 years old, I would call neighbors and ask them to come get me because I was lonely. I learned how to dial the phone -- and reach out -- at a very young age because the nurturing and connection I needed were not available. My mother was depressed, alone in her room with the windows shades drawn.

Narayan totally got that and said, "if you ever go on retreat again, do not do it in the same way. It must be shorter in duration and you must have more contact with the teacher. Otherwise it will be re-traumatizing." At this point I have no intention of ever doing another silent retreat... but never say never.

I actually felt no "residue" afterwards and returned to my normal daily practice right away. She said that sometimes when people have bad experiences, they never go back to practice. In fact I'm sitting a little bit more. Tom gave me a hand-carved meditation bench at Christmas, and I sit in the evenings in front of the fire when we are out West. I don't "do" anything other than sit. No focus, no timer. Narayan thought that was great and more akin to "real" meditation -- just sitting and enjoying it.

She just returned from Burma and the Tuesday evening class started a few weeks ago. We are in session weekly until early May. It is such an amazing thing to spend time with her whether in an individual interview or in class. She is a blessing and guides the way.

Compassionate It

Mark has recently been asking me why I'm not blogging anymore. Some of his friends have contacted him, worried that my blog silence means that something is wrong. I'm fine! Totally healthy. My last oncology visit was in early January. The blood work and physical exam all went perfectly -- I'll get scanned next in late April. I feel strong and healthy -- all is well!

One reason I stopped blogging is that I've reached some kind of data limit and Google will make me pay for more storage on their site. Silly that I would let that get in my way, but... the other thing is that I am doing so well that I'm not sure what to write. The whole point of this blog initially was to communicate with my loved ones about my health, but I've been totally stable so at a certain point there's not more to say about that other than THANK YOU GOD!

And thank you Dana Farber. Which reminds me: I've signed up to do the Pan Mass Challenge again this year. You can donate here:

Pan Mass Challenge

It looks like my job will be eliminated (after 14 years!) in the next 6-12 months, so I'm starting a private psychotherapy practice. Effective tomorrow! I don't have any clients yet, but have preliminary approval from Blue Cross to be one of their providers. I have a sublet office, business cards on the way (thanks Mark), a web site in the making (thanks Lucy), work voicemail and email. So I'm on my way! I'd like to work specifically with breast cancer patients and chronic illness in general. For several weeks I was really anxious about this change, but now I'm really excited about it.
Will write more about this another time.

The title of this post was inspired by a gift from my supervisor, Chris Germer.
Here is the story and link to Compassionate It:

COMPASSION IT

He gave me a bracelet at supervision last week.
What an awesome idea!