Dr. Daniel Ruan, endocrine surgeon

Here is the newest member of my medical team, Dr. Daniel Ruan. I met with him today to discuss the parathyroid surgery
which is scheduled for 8/31. It continues to surprise me that everyone I ask gives permission to use their image on this blog. The upshot is that he wants me to repeat the radioactive CT scan and an ultrasound so he knows exactly what he's looking for. The CT I did a few weeks is totally useless. He did say that I could have him do the surgery with no further diagnostic tests, but that he would need to make a bigger incision and there is risk that he might miss something. So I decided to go ahead and do the tests he recommends.

He was kind of funny. He asked if I had been reading online about this, and then said that it was good and bad, depending on what you stumble upon. He asked if I had read www. parathyroid.org -- I said, yes! Turns out that that site is run by a surgeon who pays a lot of money to have his site pop up first. He does it to draw in patients to his practice down south somewhere. Texas? My guy said that he takes only the easiest cases and tries to scare potential patients not to use anyone else. It's a funny world. He also commented on my butter-yellow toenails. He had never seen that color before. He thought I might have a fungus. I said, no, I'm just an artist with a whacky sense of color. It was a fun consultation.

We're heading out west for the weekend. I look forward to it as always. We have no plans, no guests, so I hope to spend a lot of time in the studio.

The Hurt Locker

Today was a hard one at work -- I felt frustrated, irritated and tired by the end of the day. After a day like that, I love to go to the movies. Tonight was warm and beautiful, so I walked. It felt good to be out on the streets which were full of people. I like to go alone, which is kind of strange, as I am such a social person. I love to sit in the dark, eat popcorn and become absorbed in a story. Tonight I saw "The Hurt Locker". Here is a blurb: "Three members of the Army's elite Explosive Ordnance Disposal squad battle insurgents and one another as they search for and disarm a wave of roadside bombs on the streets of Baghdad - in order to try and make the city a safer place for Iraqis and Americans alike. Their mission is clear - protect and save - but it's anything but easy, as the margin of error when defusing a war-zone bomb is zero." It was directed by a woman which was a total surprise. This movie is the antithesis of "spiritual" life -- it was adrenaline-pumping, horrifying and completely engaging. It seemed like a documentary but it was a dramatization. The street scenes felt like what I imagine Baghdad was like in 2004. It was really, really excellent. Kudos.

Tomorrow I go see the endocrine surgeon. I'll work in the morning, and see him at 2pm. I'd guess that he might order some more tests, and that I'll be scheduled in 1-2 weeks. But at this point in my "patient career", I have learned enough not to predict much of anything. So stay tuned. More tomorrow afternoon. At this point I am really ready to get this behind me. The sooner the better. Assuming that my bones have gotten damaged, this is the only type of osteoporosis that is reversible. So I'm eager to get the procedure, then get to work on recovering my bone strength through exercise. Let's do this already.

Lunch with Stephanie

Here is Stephanie and her 14 month old daughter. We had lunch together today. We hadn't seen each other since the end of her pregnancy. She took the prenatal yoga classes with me through most of her pregnancy. I love re-connecting! We had hoped that 2 other former students could join us and will try for next week. Being with her made me again feel how much I want to return to teaching. Although I am paid well, it's not for the money. Being in a room full of mindful pregnant women is a most beautiful thing to experience. I feel that I have something to offer them but also receive so much, just being in their presence. Prenatal students are not competitive, and really seem to understand yoga at a more intuitive level than regular students. They get it that while we are doing a physical practice, it is about more than the body. I just hope the next surgery goes smoothly so I can be ready to teach in mid-September.

The lay-offs have begun in earnest at my hospital. It's a very difficult transition for the staff and the patients. And it's only just begun. Things will be quite different by the time this is all done. So far my job seems unthreatened. We'll see.

My meditation was completely tranquil this morning. I kept Narayan's instruction in mind: mostly to feel a sense of spaciousness and restfulness. I have put down Eckhart Tolle for now, and started on a novel that Kande recommended.

Come What May

Tonight was the third meditation class. We have two more. Unfortunately my sister wasn't able to drive up. Her 5 year old, Luke, has been having some weird symptoms. He went to the Emergency Room a few weeks ago and again today. The doctors now suspect that he has Lyme disease. His test results will be back in a few days. My sister says he is grumpy but OK. I missed her company.

Narayan gave the initial instruction for our sitting practice. It felt like balm to my soul. She has a way of speaking that is magical to me. She said, "just stay with it, come what may. Regardless of what comes up, hold it and yourself in compassion." She suggested that we use our breath, body sensation or sense of sound to ground ourselves. I chose to work with the breath tonight. She suggested that we find a sense of spaciousness inside, finding a place to rest, not struggling so much with our thoughts or feelings. It was just the message I needed to hear. The last few weeks my meditation has been really, really hard. Fear is coming up, big time. I think I am moving beyond my comfort zone. I fear loss of control, getting into unfamiliar territory, having something unexpected happen. Tonight I felt very comfortable, very safe.
image by Lola: Karma, Jeff, Mark and Lola at MassMOCA on 7/4/09

You are not your body (either)

I plan to start teaching prenatal yoga this fall after a 1-year hiatus. I got diagnosed with breast cancer 8/25/08, and taught my last class about a week later. I was very sad to let that go -- I taught that class for 7 years straight. Now that my health is stabilizing -- and assuming that the parathyroid surgery goes smoothly -- I plan to resume teaching in mid-September. Here is a lovely email that I received from a former student last week: "pregnancy seems like a distant memory... and my time spent in your classes some of the happiest. I often think of you as I stretch at my desk - I hear your voice saying "have you raised your arms above your head today?"

Tonight I had dinner with Lulu and Lynn and her daughter, friends from college. We've been friends since 1981 -- a really long time by any standard. We live within a few miles of each other but it is so infrequent that we see each other, especially all 3 of us together. It was a perfect summer night, so we were able to eat on the patio of a most excellent Thai place.

Last night I read the following passage from Eckhard Tolle: "what you perceive as the dense physical structure called the body, which is subject to disease, old age, and death, is not ultimately real -- is not you. It is a misperception of your essential reality that is beyond birth and death, and is due to the limitations of your mind..." I always find this hard to understand and rather threatening... I have spent many years practicing asana, the physical postures of yoga. It has taken a long time to feel completely embodied. He continues, "the body that you can see and touch is only a thin illusory veil..." He talks about the importance of staying in touch with your inner energetic body. I have found the opposite to be most helpful -- to stay rooted in my physical body. Much food for thought...
image by Lola taken 7/4/09

Rest in Natural Great Peace

Here is a photo that Mark took of Jane and I in early July when she was visiting us for a few days in the country. It's apt that I am following so closely behind her. I recall meeting her previously just once, as a young adult, at my aunt's house. Then again about 3 years ago at her nephew's house. She is first cousin to my aunt (and father). Something ties us together, something more than a shared bloodline. Maybe you could call it a spiritual bloodline. When she was visiting I found myself wanting to be beside her physically all the time. The spiritual path is quite a journey. I've read that it's really important to have a teacher. As time goes on and I delve deeper, I can really see the importance of that advise. I feel so fortunate to have 2 mentors, Jane and Narayan. I feel the support and love that is so necessary for this journey that I have been on for some years now.

I continue to meditate every day, 30 minutes of metta. Unless I'm in class, when I try to follow the instruction given, i.e. stay with the body, listen to sound or watch the breath. Reading Eckhart Tolle has made me think about what I'm doing in an entirely new way. At the beginning of the book "The Power of Now" he says that the reader may resonate very deeply with his words. That is certainly my experience. I don't agree with everything, and he continues to shake me up. But it's good. The other morning I was practicing and suddenly the following phrase popped into my mind: "lay your burden down". Suddenly things shifted, and I stopped trying so hard to concentrate. I felt a sense of deep peace. It just lasted a few breaths, but showed me something different than what I've experienced before. The following passage speaks to that experience.

Rest in natural great peace

Above all, be at ease, be as natural and spacious as possible. Slip quietly out of the noose of your habitual anxious self, release all grasping, and relax into your true nature. Think of your ordinary emotional, thought-ridden self as a block of ice or a slab of butter left out in the sun. If you are feeling hard and cold, let this aggression melt away in the sunlight of your meditation. Let peace work on you and enable you to gather your scattered mind into the mindfulness of Calm Abiding, and awaken in you the awareness and insight of Clear Seeing. And you will find all your negativity disarmed, your aggression dissolved, and your confusion evaporating slowly like mist into the vast and stainless sky of your absolute nature.

–Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

Visitors from Bangalore, India

We drove out last night to the country as we usually do. We had dinner with Karma and Jeff at a sushi/Chinese place that we all seem to like a lot. They are always most excellent company -- dynamic people leading dynamic lives makes for good conversation.

Today we hosted Mark's work colleagues from Bangalore. They were a group of 5. We had a really good time -- they just came out for the day. We took them to the farmers market, a used record store along the way, the food co-op, another used book store, a tag sale, the dairy. They had offered to make us lunch and it was fantastic. We both love Indian food so it was a real treat to have the real deal. We practiced a little archery, went for a walk in the woods. A most friendly and satisfying encounter. They want to invite us to India. One of them has connections in the art world and would like me to show there. How fun is that?

My cousin Jane sent me an interesting web site:

www.wildmind.org

It is dedicated to Buddhist meditation. I will explore it more, but here is an interesting description of metta:

Metta in everyday life

Metta, or lovingkindness, is something that should not only be cultivated on the cushion.

We can take our metta out of the meditation and into our lives, and in practicing it we can develop it. It’s like anything else; practice helps us to become better at what we do. Of course we’ll make mistakes, but that’s just a part of the process of learning any skill.

Really what we’re talking about here is ethics. But this isn’t ethics understood in terms of obeying rules, or in terms of escaping punishments and earning rewards (metta has its rewards, but they are simply the natural consequences of our actions, not something handed out by an external judge).

Our ability to practice metta in everyday life is naturally going to affect our meditation. So the relationship between meditation and daily life is a two-way street. Each has effects on the other. If we are trying to cultivate metta in meditation but are acting in our daily lives in a way that undermines our metta, then we’re obviously going to get “stuck” in our development.

In fact this might be one of the most common causes of lack of progress in meditation -- that we are busy undoing the effects of our meditation while at work or with our families. So we need to look at every aspect of our lives and see to what extent it helps or hinders our development of metta.

image from www.wildmind.org

Phedre

Tonight I met up with Lisa to see "Phedre", a film of The National Theatre's stage production. Lisa and I go way back. We were roommates for a few years in the mid-1980's. The show was sold out. I felt as if I were actually at the live theatre. Helen Mirren was fabulous in the title role. It was a pleasure to see real acting, rather than just beautiful young people.

After my consultation yesterday, I have been more curious about my calcium level problem. I'm wondering -- how long have I had this condition? For the first time in a long time, I did some online reading about hyperparathyroidism.

On the drive home I called my primary care doctor. To my surprise, she picked up the phone. She had given me her direct line as well as cell phone in the past. I didn't have to give my date of birth or anything -- she knew who I was immediately. That feels good -- to be a person, not a set of data points. I called because I wanted to know if she had asked for calcium labs before. She said that she had never done tests for my calcium levels prior to August 2008 as I didn't fit the profile. So there is no data prior to August 2008. She is super kind and smart -- again I feel very lucky to have such good care. She encouraged me to call her any time with any concern. I've gotten curious because I read that untreated hyperparathyroidism can cause cancer, specifically breast cancer.

On A Day No Different

I continue to read "The Power of Now" and am beginning to understand what he is saying a little better. Initially it seemed so radical, such as the idea that you are not your mind. The way I would word it is that you are not your chatterbox mind -- the sometimes conscious, or pre-conscious internal dialogue or monologue that is almost always playing. He also says that when you are "unconscious", you are usually in the past or the future, but rarely in the present. The Now. As I read further, much of what he says is the same as in meditation practice.

Here is a small excerpt from Chapter 3. "Start by observing the habitual tendence of your mind to want to escape from the Now. You will observe that the future is usually imagined as either better or worse than the present. If the imagined future is better, it gives you hope or pleasurable anticipation. If it is worse, it creates anxiety. Both are illusory. Through self-observation, more presence comes into your life automatically. The moment you realize that you are not present, you are present... Be present as the watch of your mind - of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations.. notice how often your attention is in the past or future... don't judge or analyze what you observe... You will then feel... the still, observing presence itself behind the content of your mind, the silent watcher."

At Narayan's dharma talk last week she asked us, "what better moment than now?". So this is all starting to make more sense, to connect with what I am learning from Buddhism/meditation.

Not much to report from my oncology visit today. Everything looks good. I asked Anne if at some point I could space out my visits more, or get off Zometa. Much to my surprise, she was open to the idea. Last month The Vixen shot the idea down -- she was not interested in negotiating with me. Anne was more flexible about it. She said that we will be working together for (hopefully) a good, long time, so she wants me to have some say in the plan. So I will see her next month. I'll get scanned in September. If that goes well, I may be able to cut down on frequency of visits and may cut down on how much Zometa I take -- maybe every other month, something like that. I felt "heard" -- at least she is willing to consider it.

I biked to my appointment so I had my helmet on in the elevator as I was leaving. (I worked the morning, then biked over for the midday appointment.) Another patient said, "are you in the Tour de France?". At first I didn't know if he was talking about my helmet or the lime green bandage on my left wrist. I appreciate a sense of humor, especially in a place like the Dana Farber.

Gary, my poet friend, sent this today.

"On a day no different from the one now dawning, Shakespeare sat down and started Hamlet, Leonardo stepped to an easel and made the first strokes of the Mona Lisa, and Beethoven took out a sketch book and began the Ninth Symphony."

- adapted from Robert Richardson ("Emerson: The Mind On Fire")
image by Lola, taken 7/3/09

When You Love Someone

I feel very lucky to have Jane in my life. She is my dad's cousin and a spiritual teacher. I have been feeling very unsettled the last days -- by news of my aunt's death, reading Eckhart Tolle, facing another medical problem and upcoming surgery, lay-offs at my job. This morning I was able to speak to Jane at length about what I've been reading and thinking about -- she soothed my ruffled feathers and encouraged me to continue my inquiries while assuring me that all is well. In the literature, there is often reference to the importance of not only a teacher, but friends on the path. Jane has walked this path for many years and understands completely the struggles, confusion and questions that arise. Also the beauty and wonder if it all. Another huge blessing.

Tonight my sister and I went to meditation class. She is loving Narayan as much as I am. My sister commented that Narayan has the mother energy that we never experienced growing up. The women who "raised" us, my mother and step-mother, were both really damaged in their own ways so we kind of raised ourselves as best we could. I could sit in the room with Narayan indefinitely, just listening and being in that presence. When the bell rings at the end of the class, it's as if I carry that vibration with me. Her words are so reassuring, so kind.

Narayan read this passage tonight:

When you love someone
excerpt from ``A Gift from the Sea'' (1955)
by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides."

Tomorrow I have my monthly oncology visit. It should be pretty straight-forward. I'll be meeting with the nurse practicioner Anne, not The Vixen. I expect the usual - the blood draw, the consultation, the injection and the infusion. I am starting to dread blood draws as my veins are problematic and I always get stuck several times. I have no weird symptoms to report so hopefully it will be an easy visit.

image by Lola taken 7/4/09

You Are Not Your Mind

My friend and neighbor Karen took the balloon ride on Saturday morning. Here is a photo that she took.

I am finding "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle to be really provoking. I rode my bike to work today, and thought about what I'm reading the whole way. What is the nature of the mind? What does it mean to witness yourself thinking? What is the point of spiritual practice? To silence the mind? If so, just in meditation, or in daily life? Narayan has never spoken about silencing the mind altogether. She speaks about being present and compassionate. How does mindfulness fit into this? Is he talking about something far beyond what we learn in meditation class?

Here is an excerpt from the first chapter which is entitled, "You are Not Your Mind": "The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly -- you usually don't use it at all. It uses you. This is the disese. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion."

I must be totally deluded, then. I identify with my mind and with my feelings. This whole notion of self/non-self has been so problematic for me over the years. What would it be like to have your mind silent, other than when you want to think? Who would you be?

Last Penny

Vanessa and I had a fantastic experience last night on the hot air balloon. Our balloon is called "Last Penny" because the owner spent their last penny buying it. I have never done anything like it before, and it was the same for her. When we arrived, we were directed to wait by the van. On the back of the van was the wicker basket. I was shocked that 6 people were going to go up in such a tiny thing. As launch time approached I got more and more nervous. We were instructed to climb in. And up we went. I happened to see our friends Karen and Sayword as we were leaving the ground -- that gave me a sense of reassurance for some reason. The first minutes I had a death grip on the handles, but eventually relaxed. Sometimes we were really high, other times the basket literally touched the tree tops. We were within earshot of people on the ground so I had fun waving and shouting back and forth. We flew over the county prison and could see a few inmates in orange jump suits, waving to us. I wonder if they hoped we could touch down and take them with us? 7 balloons went up and at one time one of the other balloons flew under us. It was scary and thrilling.

Balloons have no steering mechanism whatsoever. The only control the pilot has is to go up or down. We were bourne by the winds to the east. We crossed a ridge and hovered in the treetops, waiting for the other balloons to come up over the ridge as we were the first balloon to go up. We crossed the Connecticut River. It was smooth and silent, other than when the pilot blew more hot air into the canopy above us. The landing was a little dicey but it went fine.

We were chased down by a crew in the samesaid van. We were driven back to the launch site, where the pilot and his wife set up a little table with champagne and wine and cheese. I imbibed for the first time in many years. I had just a little champagne -- it seemed fit, somehow.

I have just started to read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". I have wanted to read it for years. His awakening, while described in just a few paragraphs, is fascinating. It was spontaneous; he never had any kind of spiritual practice. The idea of that is rather terrifying to me -- that meaning a spontaneous awakening. He comes from no spiritual tradition. I have just started the first few chapters.

Hot Air Balloon

This painting is entitled "Hot Air Balloon". Vanessa commissioned me a few years ago to create 4 paintings for her first children's music cd entitled "Hot Air Balloon". Her web site is www.vanessatrien.com.

This image is apropos to today as Vanessa and I have a "flight" scheduled for this evening. She turned 40 this year and in lieu of gifts, she asked that her friends join her in an activity that she's always dreamed of doing. She asked me if I would go hot air ballooning with her. I readily said "yes" as it was months ago. So tonight is the night. I am actually quite terrified of heights so I don't know what I've signed on for! I don't drink anymore. I have a medicine cabinet full of drugs as provided by my medical team. I have been joking that I'll use something for recreational use. I have been fascinated by hot air ballooning since I was in high school when I did some kind of research report on it. More on this adventure tomorrow.

We are in the country, just where I love to be. We woke up early and were out in the garden, barefoot and happy. Everything grew a lot this week as it was quite hot. It rained last night. The plants are extremely happy. I pulled up some early spinach that started to bolt. We have early yellow cherry tomatoes. Lots and lots of greens. The raspberries are also starting. Mark handed me a few to eat, just off the bush. I envision cream of spinach soup for lunch. Another thing I love to do here is to go into my studio first thing in the morning. Sometimes I even do it in the middle of the night. I was painting a little last night, and it gives me a thrill to watch each piece unfold.

Outings this morning will include a trip to the organic dairy and another organic farm for eggs. Mark commented that the yolks are dark yellow, almost orange, not the anemic looking ones from the store. Store eggs are cheap, the organics are $4 a dozen. I'd so much rather buy expensive eggs at the farm which ensures income for a local business.

Aunt Jean

My aunt died this afternoon. We called her Aunt Jean, my mother's only sibling. She had a heart attack on Saturday while visiting Chicago. She collapsed in a grocery store and never regained consciousness. Yesterday she was taken off life support, and passed today. There will be a memorial service for her a week from tomorrow at her church in Minnesota. She was a regular reader of this blog. She used to send me emails about what she had read here.

She was very active in the Democratic Party at the state level (Minnesota). The last time I remember speaking to her was Inauguration Day 2009. She was ecstatic when Obama was sworn in. She was kind of quirky, like my mom, in a good way. She also loved to tap dance and attended classes regularly. Every year she was in a show called the Geritol Frolics.

It's funny, I was thinking of her very strongly on Saturday and kept thinking I should call her. We were in a rush to get back to the city and I somehow never made that call. I regret it now. I usually call or email when someone comes strongly into my mind.

I sent her a lot of metta this morning. I knew that she was dying, yet wishing her well felt just right. I wondered what she was thinking and feeling, what it was like to be transitioning from life to death. I was happy to learn that the family made a decision to let her go peacefully, not huge medical interventions that would have prolonged the inevitable.

The pictures here were taken in the house that my mom and aunt grew up in in Albert Lea, Minnesota. I lived that same house during grammar school.

May she be in peace.

Dharma is an Ancient Echo

Mark took this photo in the garden late this afternoon. He loves thistles and was inspired by the light and the texture of these buds. He was making use of depth of field. Nice job, huh?

Last night I (finally) finished Jack Kornfield's "The Wise Heart". My sister lent it to me months ago. She described it as "life-altering". I think he is an amazing writer. One day I would like to attend a workshop with him. He finished the book with practices for lovingkindness (metta), compassion, gratitude and joy, and equanimity and peace. I love the way he words the metta phrases:

May you be filled with loving-kindness
May you be safe from inner and outer dangers
May you be well in body and mind
May you be at ease and happy

I have been struggling with metta practice lately. How can I wish myself/you/all to be healthy and strong, knowing that my own body has a serious problem, and that health and strength do not last? How can I wish safety for myself/you/all when I know that every minute, someone is being diagnosed with breast cancer, being raped, shot, some terrible thing. How can I wish all creatures to be free from suffering when the natural order is for animals to kill and eat each other? I have been feeling lately that metta is not real, that it doesn't speak to how things really are. Just wishful thinking.

Last night at the class, Michael was talking about being free. He reminded us that "freedom" is being with life just as it is. Neither clinging, aversion nor delusion. He asked, if we can accept life as it is, knowing that there is extreme suffering -- can we still be free? Just before I went to sleep, I finished the Kornfield book. One phrase really caught my attention:

I offer my gratitude for the safety and well-being I have been given.
I offer my gratitude for the blessings of this earth I have been given.
I offer my gratitude for the measure of health I have been given...

With this, the metta makes more sense. I was thinking in absolute terms. Kornfield puts it in relative terms. That actually helped my metta practice a lot this morning. I had a WOW moment -- I realized on a deep level that when I am focusing on "free from suffering", it really means not clinging, not avoiding, nor being in confusion. It does not mean that I or anyone ever has perfect conditions. I suddenly felt spacious, not spaced-out. I have been doing this practice for months yet this all was such a revelation. This is such a rich practice.

I hope that I am writing this clearly. It is very hard to articulate these kinds of experiences. Words don't do it justice.

I went to see Narayan again tonight. She was teaching a as part of the Wednesday night dharma talks. There are often teachers from outside the center who talk, but tonight it was my dear one. She is so lovely to be in the room with. She said, "dharma is an ancient echo.. we already know it, but just need to be reminded." She also posed the question: is there a better moment than this one? Encouraging us to stay present with both body and mind.

Wisdom in Relationships

My sister and I went to our first meditation class together tonight. It is called "Wisdom in Relationships". It is a 5-week series. She is making a huge effort to do it as she is spending the summer on the Cape. We're calling it "sister date night". Never before have we met weekly, just the 2 of us, for dinner and an event. We had dinner at a Korean place close to the meditation center, then went to the class. Another student took this picture of us tonight.

Last night I went to see a film, "Whatever Works" by Woody Allen. I thought it was absolutely terrible. Anyway, when I got home there was a message from my endocrinologist. He said that there had been an error in yesterday's scan and that I would have to repeat it. I got very angry and upset. I had also learned yesterday that my aunt, my mother's sister, had had a heart attack on Saturday while she was taking a trip to Chicago. She collapsed and was rushed to a local hospital. As of yesterday she was still unconscious and remains so today. So between these two things I became overwrought. I spent the night in tears, sad and also angry.

After many phone calls to the endocrinologist and the surgeon, it was decided that I don't have to repeat the scan. The technician said that the problem was that they didn't get enough radioactive material into me, so they couldn't quantify some aspect. I may still have to do something else before my consult on 7/31, but less invasive. Maybe a 4-D ultrasound. (Is there a 4th dimension?) So I have calmed down again. What a roller coaster.

After the class tonight Amy and I spent some time talking with Narayan. She was so warm and welcoming to my sister. My sister now loves her as much as I do. We are very excited to see each other weekly and to share the loving presence of Narayan.

Parathyroid Scan

Here are the nuclear medicine technicians who took care of me. They were good sports and gave permission to be on this blog. This morning wasn't much fun. Urine in tow, I delivered my milk jug-like container to the lab. After some confusion about the lack of paperwork, they accepted it. It was rather embarrassing to hand over a huge container of my pee. Although they must see it all. One's stool might be even weirder to collect and deliver.

My veins have become tricky for whatever reason. It is unusual that I get just one stick. Today it was 2. The Vixen had said that perhaps a port might be helpful at some point. I was injected with radioactive material -- I don't know what, they didn't give me the card which explains why I might set off nuclear alarms in an airport. I waited 20 minutes, then had 2 scans, 10 minutes each. I waited another hour, then got another 2 scans for 10 minutes each, another one for 26 minutes, and a final one of the chest. The tech offered to strap me in for the second set as they dropped the arm support. I declined -- it seemed nightmarish, something out of "One Flew Out of the Cookoo's Nest".

Needless to say, it was not a fun morning. I had my I-pod which was helpful (thanks to Mark for reminding me to take it) and of course my camera. Today I feel angry about this problem. It seems like I don't get a break. The endocrinologist tells me that this is pretty straightforward with very good outcomes, yet I am anxious about falling down another rabbit hole. I'm struggling, trying to make some meaning out of this. Not easy.

Now I wait a few days for the endocrinologist to call.

Water Drop Connection

We haven't been in the city on a Sunday in ages. Josh had called last week and as we were all free today, he came over for brunch. Mark took this image of us on the back deck. It felt good to be here. Josh and I went for a long walk, later in the afternoon Mark and I took a bike ride. I worked in the garden, did my practices, and visited Leila, my goddaughter this evening.

We talked a lot about yoga and meditation. I was talking about Narayan and describing of the first time we met. Josh said, "you had a water drop connection". I'd never heard that phrase. It is Burmese, and is translated as an instant, mutual recognition between two people; it does not carry a student/teacher connotation. Josh described it as two drops of water becoming one. What an apt metaphor for how I feel about Narayan. I met another friend, Karla, at Kande's party who has also signed up for the Tuesday night class. I have been anticipating this class for several months now. Can't wait.

I had to stay close to home today in order to do the urine collection. Tomorrow morning I'll walk to the hospital with a big plastic jug full of urine. Isn't that a delightful image? I'll drop it off at the lab, then will proceed to get pumped full of radioactive dye. I don't really know what to expect -- the secretary said I can expect to be there about 5 hours. I just do the one scan of the parathyroid. I'm guessing that there is a long wait until it hits the right place. Then I think I'll go into the CT scanner. Not really sure. The endocrinologist will call a few days later with results.

While I am not terribly worried about this whole thing, it feels burdensome. More time off from work (I've about used up the FMLA 12 weeks) and more procedures, culminating in another surgery with general anesthesia. The positive part is that hopefully this will explain the calcium problem, and that after the surgery my levels will stabilize. I'd rather keep the calcium in my bones - thank you very much -- than have it leech out, leaving me vulnerable to osteoporosis and such.

Sage in a Tollbooth

The other evening I was leaving East Boston to drive home from the gallery reception. I pulled up to the tollbooth, flustered as usual, digging around for the toll. I said to the tollbooth collector, "don't you get annoyed by people like me who slow down your line?". He said, "no, I love everybody.". I laughed and he continued, "we are all the same, we are all one. The sooner that we all understand that, the better this world will be." It just goes to show that you never know where a teacher might appear.

We have a short day in the country. We are driving back for Kande's 40th birthday party. It is absolutely beautiful here. I am happy to report that the calendula is budding. I had planted it for Karen and Sayword a few months ago and feared that it didn't make it. Last night I found it in bud. Another garden miracle.
image by Lucy

Cecile Brunner

Lucy took this image. The breed of rose must be "Cecile Brunner" as that's how she titled the jpg.

Today was quite fun at work. Our medical director bought some pieces last night from Tony, the Brazilian artist, and he came back this afternoon to pick up his check. In the meantime I showed many other staff members the pieces that our director bought, and the excitement grew. By the time Tony arrived, there was quite a buzz. I invited him to bring in whichever pieces he had in his van. I think that another person will buy a few, and I bought yet another one. Now I have 5. Oh well, I love his work. We brought it out west this evening, and it's already hung up. I love it.

I got a call today from the endocrine surgeon's office and have an appointment with him scheduled for 7/31. I asked his assistant how far out he books, and she said just a few weeks. I also asked about the recovery from this surgery. To my extreme surprise, she said that they usually give people 2-3 weeks off from work. I had assumed that I could go back to work the next day. She said the surgery itself is easy, but that afterwards you have to return to the clinic multiple times for blood work. You are give high doses of calcium and vitamin D, and it takes a while to stabilize your system. Once again, I feel I'm entering this strange world that I know nothing about. Endocrinology. Go figure.

The meditation course with Narayan starts next week. Kande and Mike also signed up, as well as a friend of my sister's. We are all really looking forward to it.

This week I am working with "all beings" in metta practice. I am getting a little more comfortable in approaching this category. Often it makes me feel spaced-out or overwhelmed with the suffering of the world. So I'm following these categories:

Five ways of "unspecified pervasion":

1. all beings
2. all breathing things
3. all creatures
4. all persons
5. all with a personality

It felt much more manageable this way. I always switch categories on Fridays, so today was the first day. So far so good. It actually tied in well with the film we saw earlier this week, "Food, Inc.".

Navigating Sustenance

Here is an image of the painting I am showing this month at Atlantic Works Gallery this month. This month is a group show entitled "With A Little Help From Our Friends". Each member was allowed to invite a guest artist to be in the show. The opening was last night and it was really well-attended. This painting has a partner. I often paint in pairs or triplets. I will put up an image of the partner soon. The size is 20" x 24" and is oil on burlap.

Today I was showing my medical director something on my camera, and she inadvertently flipped to the image of my endocrinologist. She said, "is that Graham McMahon? The endocrinologist? He's excellent. You are lucky to have him." I love these few degrees of separation. It actually made me feel even better about him as I totally respect her opinion. Mark was happy to hear that when I told him tonight.

The reason I was showing her my camera is that an artist sculptor friend is in dire financial straights and I was trying to connect him with potential buyers. I took a lot of images of his work last night so I could show her today. I feel really badly for him. I've baled him out several times when he needed quick cash to pay his studio so I own 4 of his sculptures at this point. If he doesn't get the money by tomorrow, he will lose his studio. Unfortunately it's a difficult time for many people so buying art isn't at the top of most people's priority list. The sculptor was to take some pieces to the clinic tonight after-hours to show my medical director. He is a fabulous artist and she has good taste. I hope they can work something out.

Endocrine Consultation

Well, I have another specialist on my "team" now. This is Dr. Graham McMahan, an endocrinologist. I told him about this blog and he said it was fine to use his image. I had commented when I walked in that he was younger than I had anticipated. He said to be sure to write that. I didn't ask but he sounds like he is from Scotland. He was friendly, smart and generous to squeeze me in to his very tight schedule. One of his first questions was to gauge my understanding of the problem. I liked that.

His working diagnosis is primary hyperparathyroidism. I continue to have elevated calcium levels after taking Zumeta for 8 months with normal levels of PTH (secreted by the parathyroid glands) which leads to this diagnosis.

He thinks that this is a totally separate problem and not related to cancer. To make a definitive diagnosis, I need to collect my urine over a 24 hour period, and have my parathyroid scanned using nuclear material. I'll do the urine collection on Sunday and will deliver it to the lab on Monday morning when I show up for the 5 hour test. He suspects that I have a non-cancerous tumor in one of the glands or an enlargement of one or more glands. The chance of cancer is 1% but it's highly unlikely given the lab profile. So I'm not worried about that.

The bummer is that I will need another surgery if his diagnosis is correct. General anesthesia but probably a day surgery only. Like my sister said, this is excellent news in a way. Who would ever think that a tumor is good news? But it does explain this calcium problem. It is very bad for the bones to be losing this much calcium. Now we may have an explanation. The good news is that if this is true, The Vixen will be less concerned about cancer in my bones.

I'll have test results back next week.

After the consultation I went back to work, then went to an art reception in East Boston this evening. I insist on living large every day. Carpe Diem.

Food, Inc.

Mark and I went to see "Food, Inc." tonight. Here is the link: www.foodincmovie.com and a blurb: "In Food, Inc., filmmaker Robert Kenner lifts the veil on our nation's food industry, exposing the highly mechanized underbelly that has been hidden from the American consumer with the consent of our government's regulatory agencies, USDA and FDA. Our nation's food supply is now controlled by a handful of corporations that often put profit ahead of consumer health, the livelihood of the American farmer, the safety of workers and our own environment.

Featuring interviews with such experts as Eric Schlosser (Fast Food Nation), Michael Pollan (The Omnivore's Dilemma, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto) along with forward thinking social entrepreneurs like Stonyfield's Gary Hirshberg and Polyface Farms' Joel Salatin, Food, Inc. reveals surprising — and often shocking truths — about what we eat, how it's produced, who we have become as a nation and where we are going from here."

I just finished Michael Pollan's "The Omnivore's Dilemma" last night. The movie was good, but as in most documentaries, there is too much information at the same time. I preferred his book as I could absorb it over time. Go see this movie and definitely read Pollan's book.

Next week I will start a 5 week course that Narayan is teaching at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center. Much to my pleasure, my sister will take it with me. We seem to travel the same roads, although I often tease her that I start down the road a few years ahead of her. We have never done anything like this together before, mostly due to lack of time (she is, after all, the mother of the 3 angels). She will be driving up from the Cape for this weekly class, where she is spending the summer. We are both happy to make time for each other, to have dinner out once a week and to study with Narayan and Michael.

Love Drive-by

Here is a painting that I sold at Open Studios a few months ago to a friend, Goldie. The title is "Love Drive-by". My paintings are almost named after they are finished, and the title is usually borrowed from a song or a fragment of poetry.

So today it was back to work. Given the likelihood of lay-offs in the next few weeks, it felt just fine to return to the clinic routine. Everyone is pretty nervous about what is coming as it will impact the social work department very heavily. I actually think that my job will be OK as I work for the ambulatory department, not psychiatry. We'll see what happens. Even if it's not my job, things are going to shift a lot so it will impact many colleagues.

The weather has finally cleared so I was able to bike to work today. I'm feeling good -- my energy is returning. Although it certainly helps to be coning off 2 vacations, practically back-to-back.

I will see the endocrinologist on Wednesday at noon. I promised Suzzy that I'll take good notes. I really don't know what to expect. I am not too thrilled about another round of tests and perhaps procedures. I was hoping for a long break, just doing the basic maintenance. Oh, right, I have a chronic disease.

Sweet Jane

Here is Sweet Jane, our scarecrow. Mark thinks we should call her The Vixen (the red hair) or Garden Goddess. She is amazing. I am startled each time I catch her in my peripheral vision -- I have to remind myself that she is a scarecrow, not a visitor.

Speaking of visitor, Toisha drove out from Boston to spend the day with us. We decided to go for a longer walk, but we got turned around in the woods and ended up on a REALLY long walk. We have hiked those trails for the last 3 years but somehow we still sometimes get a little lost. We pulled what we could from the garden, and are now ready for a week back at work.

I think I will see the endocrinologist this week. The Vixen is concerned that my calcium levels are still elevated and not responding to the Zometa, so now she suspects a problem with the parathyroid. I had called last week to get an appointment, and was told the first available is late October. I told The Vixen, and now I am being offered an appointment this week. I think she wields a lot of power. I am not concerned about this consultation as she didn't mention cancer as a likely cause. It might just be a separate problem. If I can't get the slot offered for Wednesday, I will be seen later this month.

4th of July

Today is our wedding anniversary. 6 years. We liked the irony of "losing" our independence on Independence Day. We celebrated in a rather quiet way, working together in the gardens.

As we were driving to a party this afternoon, we noticed an old wagon, filled with a wedding party, being pulled by a tractor. There was a big white tent in the middle of a hay field. Mark honked and the whole crowd enthusiastically responded. As we drove home tonight, we stopped on the dirt road to watch their wonderful fireworks display.

Tomorrow is our last day of vacation before we drive back to the city tomorrow night. It has been an absolutely wonderful week. It seems like it's been much longer than just a week. I feel rested, grounded, connected, and completely at ease. We struck a balance between social and quiet time, eating home and eating out, working and playing. We are hoping to take another week out here around Labor Day.

"One definition of an enlightened person is one who always has everything they need. At every moment what they need is there; they're not seeking anything. If you really are seriously practicing to be free and to simultaneously realize enlightenment, you never seek out of the immediate situation, no matter how bad it is. You transform the immediate situation into what you need."

Richard Baker Roshi. From "The Roundtable: Help or Hindrance" (Tricycle Fall 1996)

Eugene Mirman

Our guests have left. Family re-defined. We had a wonderful, heart-felt visit.

This afternoon we will drive out to North Adams. Every season we like to get to MASSMOCA to see the galleries and occasionally a performance. We will meet up with Karma and Jeff, Lucy and Rick, and 2 of their friends for dinner then what's billed as 'alternative cabaret/comedy'. It's a one-man show with Eugene Mirman. I have no idea what his act will be like. I wonder if he is related to Ethel Mirman?

It will be really hard to return to work (for real) this time. I had 2 weeks in Brazil, 2 weeks in the clinic, and now a week in the country.

Mark made an amazing scarecrow that he finished this morning. Cousin Mark, Jim and I got back from our hilly walk, and there she was in the middle of the garden when we got back. He has also strung up Tibetan prayer flags. She is definitely female with big breasts, tiny waist and rounded buttocks. I'd like to call her Sweet Jane. I took many pictures of her which I will post next week.

The sun came out today so we are mowing (Mark, that is), weeding and enjoying a break in the weather.

Zen Lily Pads

Lucy sent this photograph today. She has a spring-fed pond with the most beautiful plants floating in it.

Mark and I are enjoying a visit from some of my family. I have often felt in the past that I was a fish out of water with much of my family, but with this group, we groove. Jim is my dad's first cousin and Jane is my dad's first cousin as well. Jane's nephew Mark is here as well who is my generation. Jim has been involved in spiritual practice for decades, both yoga and meditation and other disciplines, and has written a book called "Meditation For the Rest of Us". Jane is a spiritual teacher, and is a minister in Denver. She has published many articles, poetry and other writings. We have had some wonderful conversations, great good and have really enjoyed each other.

The weather has been just awful. It's still raining. It has literally been raining for a month. But we were able to find a window of time this morning, before meditation, to walk our usual 4 miles together without getting too wet.

They leave in the morning and will head off to visit more family.

This morning all 5 of us sat together for meditation. It was actually a quite powerful experience -- to sit with members of my own family!

"Don't be overwhelmed by the number of teachers and teachings. Just start by doing a little bit of something, even five minutes of meditation, but do it every day.... Once you put one foot in front of another, the dharma path has a way of leading you where you need to go.

Dean Sluyter, Cinema Nirvana