Encaustic with Carol

What a wonderful day. I got up early and took Sasha for a long walk -- not in the woods! But on the street and in the water as well. It is so scenic here. This morning I actually saw a huge tourist bus for the first time ever.

The seminar is really excellent. I am thoroughly enjoying it. My daily meditation practice is definitely deepening; the material is so much richer this year. A lot of the material has been experiential, although some is clinical as well.

I did yoga practice by the pool, then spent the rest of the afternoon with Carol Odell in her studio. She is a friend and amazing artist. I asked her to give me a tutorial in encaustic painting. We spent 2 hours together but she gave me enough material to last for months. I am very excited to get back in the studio to work on what she shared.

After dinner my aunt suggested that we kayak across the pond into town to get ice cream. Great idea! Although it turned out to be a wet trip. Sasha gets anxious when I kayak and spends most of the time jumping in and out of the kayak. I get totally soaked. She is a good swimmer but it's too far for her and she doesn't like to run along the shoreline. And my aunt had trouble getting out of her kayak, and fell in the water while getting out. So we were a sight at the ice cream shop, both of us soaking wet. It was rather embarrassing. My aunt said it was her first ice cream cone in 5 years. It was a mini adventure and Maria and I were both happy to indulge her. It was fun and memorable, like most things with my aunt.

The seminar ends tomorrow so I'll drive back to Boston. From there Mark and I will drive back out West. It will be our 8th wedding anniversary on July 4.

Even a Squirrel Knows How to Maximize Each Day

I took this photo early yesterday morning while playing with Sasha in the water. This morning I made a very bad choice -- we went walking in the bog across the street instead. It turns out that the woods here are completely infested with ticks. I got home and was horrified by what I found on me -- and even more so by what I found on her. I must have taken a dozen ticks off my feet and legs. She was totally overrun by them. I left her tied to a tree outside while I went to the conference, then in the afternoon I went to a vet and got an additional tick repellent; she already gets a monthly dose of Frontline. My uncle had a total fit. I thought he was going to ask me to leave. At 9pm. It is too stressful to be in the same space with him. I'm not sure I can do this anymore, in spite of how much I love my aunt. It is too toxic.

The seminar is excellent. I am really learning, enjoying and getting inspired. They offer a 9-month training program. I will wait to get scanned next week before making plans, but if I'm OK, I may commit to it. Meditative approach to psychotherapy is definitely the direction I want to move in.

We did the well-known "raisin" meditation this morning. Each student is given a box of raisins and are instructed to explore and finally eat one raisin in a completely focused way. I have done several times before. On the inside of the box I found this teaching: "Even a squirrel knows how to maximize each day." That is what I aspire to: to maximize each day. I pray for that every morning -- may I live today as fully as possible and may I live my life as fully as possible.

This afternoon my aunt and I went bike riding again. She is so impressive for 82 years old. And in the evening I went to visit my friend Julie and her kids. We haven't seen each other in months, so it's funny that we have been together for the last 3 days straight. We plan to see each other tomorrow, too. 

On the Boat

My aunt took this photo this afternoon. It was Sasha's first time on a boat -- and she loved it!

I got up early and we went down to the shoreline where Sasha did lots of tennis ball retrieving. She has finally figured out how the game of fetch works. She pretty consistently chases after the object (ball, stick, whatever), brings it back, sits, and drops it. We're still working on the dropping it part, but she's definitely learning. I so enjoy playing with her.

I went to the seminar in the morning and continue to be very impressed by the presenters, the material and where I'm at with my personal practice. What is interesting is that although I attended the same program last year, they have modified it a lot so it's not boring at all to sit through it again. It feels relevant to my work and I am inspired. May it last once I get back to the clinic! They also offer a year-long training that I may do in the fall. It meets weekly, Thursday nights, so I'd really need to commit to it. It's is quite expensive and time-consuming so I'm not sure.

Usually by day 2 things begin to unravel with my uncle, and this time is no exception. I practiced metta meditation with him as my "difficult" person this afternoon on the beach. Oh may it work so dinner isn't painful and awkward. My aunt made a point to say how much she enjoys having me at the house, but it is not tempering how unwelcome he makes me feel. It is quite a quandary -- how to be with a person you love who lives with a difficult other. I just keep my distance from him, but that makes him angry. So it's hard to know how to approach all of this.

This evening Julie will come over for another visit. It is wonderful timing that we are both here this week.

What a Swimmer!

I

I am having a good time here -- although dinner is often treacherous. It is fraught with questions that trip us up -- whenever we venture into politics, we get in trouble quickly. So we all try to avoid controversial subjects. Lots of discussion about what we're eating and how we spent the day. It's superficial, but it's not a war zone. I'll take superficial!

I am attending a conference from 9am til noon each day. I actually attended the same conference last year - same presenters, same week, same venue, same subject. Meditation and Psychotherapy. I was very happy with the first session. Sasha and I were up early, down by the waters edge. She is a strong swimmer and getting very adept at retrieving sticks and now tennis balls. It was a really fun way to start the day. The only problem is that she must have swallowed a lot of salt water because she had intense diarrhea for most of the day. But she's fine again now and not at risk of making a mess in the house.

My aunt loves to bike, even at age 82. We got the bikes on the back of her Jeep, and off we went for a few hours on the bike path. We took Sasha which probably was not a good idea as it was hot and she wasn't happy running beside the bike. So we won't try that again if it's so hot.

And this evening I met up with my friend Julie who I've known since high school. Her family has a house in the same town. We haven't seen each other in a while so that was great.

On the Cape for the week

I am on the Cape at my aunt's house and will be here all week. A long day! Luke and I had quite a busy day and I dropped him off at his house in Boston in late afternoon, then re-packed, and drove to the Cape with Sasha.

Luke and I spent the morning with Sasha first in the woods where he scurried up and down steep banks, balancing on fallen branches, the later at the river where Sasha fetched sticks out of the fast-moving current. Just perfect for a 7 year old boy! And his 50 year old aunt who is re-connecting with that 7 year old energy. We spend a few hours at the antique engine show, and finished up with ice cream cones at a farm that has the biggest servings on the planet.

I won't see the Angels regularly this summer as they will be moving to the Cape in a week or so. I am sad about that -- seeing them is a very important part of my life and I will feel their absence.

My aunt and uncle are both looking well and I'm happy to be here with them. My cousin's daughter is living here for the summer as live-in help so it will also be an opportunity to get to know her better. Her name is Maria, she just finished her first year of college.

Busy Boy

Luke is a busy boy! It is important to spend time with young kids -- you can learn a lot from them. I spend a lot of my time planning -- which is a total waste of energy for the most part because most of what you imagine doesn't happen anyway. When I picked him up yesterday I flooded him with too many questions about what he wanted to eat, when, where, etc. He kept say, "I just want to be with you and Sasha." So eventually I took the hint and slipped into kid mode -- enjoying what is happening in the moment and letting the future take care of itself.

We have done a lot! As I write this, Sasha is sleeping on her little cushion next to his bed and they are both happy, happy, happy. A few nights ago Mark decided that it was safe to leave her out of her crate at night, so I've let her roam free here out West, too. Although last night she did wake us up -- we couldn't figure out what was wrong -- until this morning when we found a half-eaten razor in the tub. So she's not entirely safe! No wonder she was hacking away.

We have taken long walks in the woods. Went to a thrift store, the farmers market. We had hoped to go to a local circus but it was cancelled due to rain. He helped me pull the spinach that he ate for dinner. We went to Trish's where we met with Lucy and while the grown ups worked on our War and Peace Project, he made collage as well. While I did yoga and meditation, he entertained himself online. We cooked burgers on the grill. Took Sasha for a walk in the evening. That was just today! We did a similar program yesterday which also included a trip to the Chinese/Japanese place. He loves pineapple juice and pan fried dumplings. He is a high-energy enthusiastic kid and a blast to spend time with.

Tomorrow Lucy told us about 35th Yankee Engine-uity Show Presented by the Central Mass. Steam, Gas & Machinery Association which we'll go to tomorrow on our way back to the city. Can you say fun? He loves anything mechanical. This is sure to be a big hit with him.

As I put him to bed, he said that he is even more comfortable here tonight -- in spite of the thunder and lightning -- because he is familiar with the house and because Sasha makes him feel safe. How cute is that? Being an aunty is the best thing in the world.

Equanimity

This teaching came in today's email from tricycle.com:

Equanimity

Equanimity has the capacity to embrace extremes without getting thrown off balance. Equanimity takes interest in whatever is occurring simply because it is occurring. Equanimity does not include indifference, boredom, coldness, or hesitation. It is an expression of calm, radiant balance that takes whatever comes in stride.

-Shaila Catherine, "Equanimity in Every Bite"

This is a good reminder for challenges that we all face. My challenge is living with this chronic, unpredictable illness. But just in the last few days I have heard from a number of friends who are facing different but extremely difficult challenges themselves. Meditation really does help, I think. Sitting with your own crazy mind each and every day, witnessing whatever is happening in body or heart at that moment -- it is a good preparation for whatever life throws our way.

Later this morning I will pick up 7 year old Luke for our weekend together out West. I love all of the Angels and each is special in their own way. He is high energy and loves to play outside with Sasha. He also loves to work in the studio. And he adores Chinese food. Especially the drinks with the tiny umbrellas. So that will certainly be part of what we do!

Red Dog Collar

Today was my last aunty day until the Angels get back from the Cape at the end of the summer. I spent it with Zoey. The big kids were finishing their last day of school. Zoey finished yesterday. We had a big agenda!! The first order of business was to go to the pet store for a new leash for Sasha. She has chewed through at least her sixth or seventh at this point. The company replaces them for free which is kind of astonishing. Zoey had on her rain jacket which showed a black dog with a red collar, so we switched not only the leash but the collar. So now Sasha is very stylish with her new red outfit. She looks just like the dog on Zoey's raincoat which is a thrill for Zoey.

We went to the studio where Zoey worked on collage. She was really psyched to use all the colored inks and enjoyed mixing it all on her collage.She left her piece at the studio because she wants to work on it some more at some point.

We ran a few more errands. It was all much more entertaining with her than when I go by myself. We went through my jewelry box and I gave her a charm that I bought in India some time ago, an image of Krishna which she is now wearing on a black cord around her neck. She was trying to decide between that and a sandalwood mala. What a hip 5 year old!

Tomorrow I'll take Luke out west for the weekend. I have been promising to take him, and now it's our last chance before they go to the Cape for the rest of the summer. Mark may or may not go, but if he comes, it will be on Saturday. So I will have lots of aunty time with Luke!

The Couch

I am exhausted. When I get like this, Mark insists that I head for the couch immediately. So that's where I'm headed. I've been doing too much lately with not enough down time.The good part is that I'm done with work for the week and have a totally open day tomorrow.

2 weeks from today I'll be at the Dana Farber getting the scans. I can feel the anxiety building as the day gets closer. I feel totally fine but that's not reassuring; I felt fine when they found the metastasis in my hip a few years ago. I do the best I can to manage the fear about living with this diagnosis, but as the scans approach, inevitably it is harder to remain calm and be strong.

Summer Solstice

Today's photo was taken by Claude, my friend in San Francisco who is a personal chef and food photographer. I love hydrangeas -- they are in bloom in my front yard in the city. So this photo is a nod to today's date -- summer solstice! How did you celebrate it?

Yesterday morning as I entered the dog park I saw an announcement about a 3 year old girl who had died. There was a photo of her, taken recently in the dog park. She was a frequent visitor with her parents and little white fluffy dog. I noticed it again today, and someone said that she died really quickly. Her parents noticed some unexplained bruises, took her to the pediatrician, and she was diagnosed with leukemia over Memorial Day weekend. She did one round of chemo, got a bad infection, and died last Thursday. I can't stop thinking about this child. It makes me reflect on the fragility of all our lives, and at the same time I feel so fortunate. I've had almost 3 years of living with metastatic cancer -- so many don't last this long. I've had the gift of time -- to get my priorities straight, to live as I see fit. I have a hard time getting my mind around the experience of this child. At 3 years old, I wonder if she even knew that she was sick, or how she understood what was happening to her. Her name was Rose. I will send her parents metta. This saddens me so.

"City of LIfe and Death"

This evening I went to [another] extremely intense film called "City of Life and Death". I went with Marcia. Neither of us have read much about it but will. It is set in Nanking in 1937 and tells the tale of the Japanese invasion. To say it was brutal and devastating is an understatement. At one point some Japanese soldiers lured a few kids off into a corner. I thought -- if those kids are abused, I am walking out! I kept checking the time to see how much longer it would run -- it topped out my ability to watch much more. At the end I turned to Marcia and said, "why do we spend our precious time watching a screen of make-believe stories? Getting all stressed out and worked up?" She is a psychiatrist and I am a social worker so we certainly get a fair share of daily drama and trauma. It begs the question, though, doesn't it? Why expose your self to those horrifying images and stories?

"God Says Yes to Me"

Sayword read this poem at my birthday party a few weeks ago:

God Says Yes to Me

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I dont paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes
-- Kaylin Haught

I am still reading "Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life" by Gregg Levoy. And still struggling with the question of "what next?".

In the introduction he writes: "...whatever or whoever is addressing us is a power like wind or fusion or faith: We can't see the force, but we can see what it does. Primarily this force announces the need for change, and the response for which it calls is an awakening of some kind. A call is only a monologue. A return call, a response, creates a dialogue. Our own unfolding requires that we be in constant dialogue with whatever is calling us. The call and one's response to it are also a central metaphor for the spiritual life, and in Latin there is even a correspondence between the words for listening and following."

I am still trying to listen.

Alone on the Hill

I was alone on the hill last night -- although with Sasha, I never feel alone. My sister is astonished that I am comfortable in this house by myself at night. We are isolated! I drove out with Trish last evening as Mark had to stay later to gallery sit. He was too tired last night, so he came out this morning. As the thunderheads gathered, Sasha and I headed out for a long walk. We got absolutely soaked -- and it was wonderful. My routine is to first check out the garden, then head for the woods.

The weather was unexpectedly hot and dry today, so I finished planting the garden. Some spots got washed away in a huge storm a few weeks ago, and last weekend was too muddy to go anywhere near it.

In the afternoon I took Sasha down to the river for a swim with Marian. She showed me an alternate entrance, as dogs aren't allowed after June 1 in the lower river, but we were upriver a bit. Sasha continues to improve her swimming skills, although she was rough on Marian as she tried to swim. She needs to be trained not to try to get on top of her human swimming companions with her sharp little claws! There was another visitor today -- a beaver. I saw him floating towards us, then THWACK went his tail. Marian knew immediately that it was a beaver. Surprisingly, Sasha left him alone. She quietly swam back to shore, watching from a distance. I would have expected her to bark and pursue him. It was a wonderful afternoon.

10 Minutes a Day

Trish is driving in from western Massachusetts today to spend time in studio with Team Tolstoy. She has made several collages on her own, but it will be her first time with the group. It is a totally different dynamic to work collaboratively -- at least for me it is. We are now working on obtaining visas for our trip to Yasnaya Polyana in late August. For the last several weeks I have committed to studying Russian for at least 10 minutes a day. It is such a complex language. Everything is modified by time, gender, direction and number. Probably other subtleties that I'm not even aware of. But it's fun and good for my brain. I often find myself thinking -- how do you say xyz in English, Spanish, Portuguese and Russian? That last one is the real challenge.

Grandfather's Chair

This afternoon Lynn and I met with an art consultant for the War and Peace Project. She was tformerly he curator at a prestigious collage in the Boston area for many years, and has since struck out on her own to work as an art consultant. She graciously gave us an hour of her time and it was incredibly helpful. For example, it never occurred to us that we would need to deal with customs next summer. Or that we need a contract. Or possible funding sources. It was time very well spent! Mostly what I like to do is work with my team in the studio on Fridays, but am learning a totally different -- and important -- aspect of art-making as well.

After that I met with a gallerist on Newbury Street. She had commissioned several paintings and I delivered the first one today. I didn't know if she'd like it or take it today (yes to both) so I never had Mark photograph it. It is 24"x24", mixed media encaustic. Title: "grandfather's chair". She was very enthusiastic about it so that was great.

And tonight Mark and I will go to an opening in East Boston at the gallery where we are members. It's been an artsy kind of day!

I biked to Lynn's with Sasha so she got a dip in the pond on the way there and the way home. It's a dog's life -- a very good life indeed.

Hawks

Sayword often sends me poems written by her, or poets who she admires. Here is a very powerful one that she sent today:

Hawks

Surely, you too have longed for this --
to pour yourself out
on the rising circles of the air
to ride, unthinking,
on the flesh of emptiness.

Can you claim, in your civilized life,
that you have never leaned toward
the headlong dive, the snap of bones,
the chance to be so terrible,
so free from evil, beyond choice?

The air that they are riding
is the same breath as your own.
How could you not remember?
That same swift stillness binds
your cells in balance, rushes
through the pulsing circles of your blood.

Each breath proclaims it --
the flash of feathers, the chance to rest
on such a muscled quietness,
to be in that fierce presence,
wholly wind, wholly wild.

~ Lynn Ungar ~

Sidewalk Sale

Here is a funny picture that a total stranger took on Lucy's phone last Wednesday. We were at lunch as usual on Wednesday, trying on hats and such at a sidewalk sale. The woman happened to have bought a fan and thought it was very funny that we were trying on hats on a blistering hot day. We will see each other tomorrow and although it's not ALWAYS a huge blast, it's always very entertaining for both of us. Lucy is the kind of friend that can make anything fun. Even going to see the oncologist. Wow -- that's a gift!

Furlough approved

Here is a very cute picture of Luke and Sasha that I took last Thursday. We were at the soccer field, seeking shelter from the extreme heat under the trees. Luke is particular loves Sasha, and they are often entwined in some way.

I met with my manager at the end of the day and she said that she is fine with me taking more time off this summer. It will be "furlough" time which means that I won't get paid. This is great! I was a little nervous about the meeting as several months I told her that I'd like to "volunteer" if we have lay-offs. She is a very reasonable person and wants her staff to be happy. So it was an easy discussion. She basically asked what I want, I told her, and it's a done deal.

Otherwise it's been a completely uneventful -- but good -- day. Up very early, the usual routine of meditation, yoga, take care of Sasha, bike to work. The dog park was closed as it's been really rainy, so she got a good run along side my bike this morning. She is very good at it now -- I haven't fallen off in months!

Happy 50th Christiane!

Here is my dear friend Christiane in NYC. Today is her 50th birthday, and she is spending it in NYC. How cool is that? She is sporting a bag that I sent her a few days ago. She looks so beautiful and jaunty. You go, girl! Haven't we been hearing that 50 is the new 40? In this case, I'd say that 50 is the new 30. Or 20? We will be traveling to Moscow in August, along with Trish and Mark. I bet she'll bring along that bag -- and her inimitable sense of style!

The birthday party yesterday was indeed wild and memorable. They had hired an improv coach to lead the group through several hours of fun and play. She started us off just walking around the room with the instruction to take on another identity -- name, occupation, and introduce ourselves to others. I choose the name "Susie" and introduced myself as a beekeeper. The next exercise we were told to stay in our new identity, then alter our voice. Although I am good at languages, I have always had a heavy American accent and am terrible about accents so I just used a high squeeky voice. We acted out scenes that she initiated, and scenes from Jeff's life. It was really, really fun. Of course some in the crowd were shy and were more audience than actors, but I think it was a huge success and really fun. Mark was one of the actors, too, and quite a wild dancer! While sporting a multi-colored mohawk.

It is still raining. Last night just before dark I went to the garden in barefeet and picked our first radishes. French market, with red tops and white bottoms, both the round and oblong. Eating our of your own garden is one of the best things -- you can feel the nutrients in the food. You can feel the energy of the plant as you crunch on it. So mysterious how a tiny seed can transform into something so tasty and satisfying.

More mud

Here is another photo of Sasha in the dog park with her new friend. She is all lab -- if there is water, or even better yet, mud -- she is all over it. And it is all over her! We are getting very intimate with the garden hose on our return home every morning from the dog park.

Mark and I drove out West last night. We are in for a wet weekend. It has been pouring since last night. I am hoping to work in the gardens a bit but the basic planting is all done so any weeding can wait. We got here about 9pm with just a hint of light in the sky. I rush for the gardens to see what has happened since Sunday. We now have our own lettuce, radishes and mustard greens. As well as rhubarb which is ready for the second harvest.

Being here brings to focus my dilemma. I am happy just looking out the window. It is lush and gorgeous. But for now -- I am going to sit tight for the summer. I have the scan on July 6. Then we go to Russia in late August for 10 days. I know that at some point I will know when it's time to make a change. So until then, I am going to enjoy what is. Which is all good! Well, mostly all good... there are still many aspects of my job that I really appreciate. Just this week another old Brazilian woman was in needing some help with something concrete. I resolved her problem after a few visits. She told me that she is going to pray for me every day until she dies. How often to you get that kind of appreciation at work?

This afternoon we're going to a birthday party for Jeff. He and Karma have hired someone to come in and teach us all improv acting. How fun will that be? We share a birthday but they were away over Memorial Day weekend so are celebrating with friends today. I have never done any acting; neither has Mark, so we are looking forward to it.

Mud Bath

If there is mud to be had, Sasha is there. I asked the "human companion" to this 140 pound playmate if she would take a photo this morning. Sasha is 60 pounds, no runt, but this dog dwarfs her! The heat wave continues her, she can't seem to cool herself very well, so a mud bath is just the ticket.

It's Thursday, which means I switch into aunty mode. I'll pick up the trio of Angels after school, then we start a crazy schedule of soccer, swimming and Luke's play. I also hope to take them to an art opening on Newbury Street. The gallerist wants to see the encaustic painting I made for her, a commissioned piece. That may be wishful thinking that we'll do that, too. My sister and her husband are both teaching, so I and another couple friend are helping out. As my sister often says, it really does take a village. And I am a happy villager. And will be with them until late until the evening, probably 9:30. They are exhausting and delightful.

Strawberry Gourmet

Claude, a friend who lives in San Francisco, took this photo. She is a personal chef and food photographer. We both celebrate our birthdays in May. One of our mutual friends, Paula, gave her a whole bunch of vintage Gourmet magazines so Claude has done a whole series of photos of her dishes with the magazine covers. This is just one of a series.

I have little to say today -- imagine that!

I had another good day at work. Lucy and I had a little adventure at lunch which was not really an adventure by any stretch of the imagination. She took me to a really excellent frozen yogurt shop, we poked through a few vintage shops, and had fun picking through the remnants of a sidewalk sale. We chatted with another patron and got her to take our picture on Lucy's phone. I'll post that at some point. Otherwise it was a hot, sticky day here in Boston. Sasha is panting, trying to cool herself. Mark and I walked with her to a Mexican place and drank boatloads of fresh lemonade. All is well.

The Invitation

My friend Lulu sent this a few days ago as food for thought. It is probably no surprise, but a lot of people are resonating with the dilemma I am facing about my work. I have had a few good days at the clinic and am more mixed than ever about leaving. The rumor mill is cranking and everyone says that we are facing lay-offs in all departments including mine which was considered "safe" until recently. I emailed my boss today to see if I can take some time off without pay this summer and she wrote back that she wants to have a meeting on Monday to discuss it. Yikes --

Last night I went to see the new Woody Allen film "Midnight in Paris" which I found rather boring. I almost left because I was sleepy and not so interested. The only part I really liked was the opening scenes of Paris -- one can never get enough of that.

Tonight after work I met friend, Claire, who I haven't seen for a really long time. It was a really warm, pleasant night. I was surprised when she pulled up on her bike as I've not known her to bike. We met in yoga almost 20 years ago. We both left the Iyengar yoga world but still practice and she still teaches. It was a perfect evening to be out and about.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool: for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of life.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you’ve been opened by life’s betrayals or become shriveled and closed from the fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty and if you can root your life within it. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon – yes!

It doesn’t interest me to know where or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in those still moments.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how you came to be here, I want to know if you will stand with me in the center of the fire and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

~ ORIAH MOUNTAIN DREAMER

My "Neutral" Person

I took this photo as we were leaving the hill last night. I photograph this same hill regularly -- maybe once a week. I love it so.

I've been practicing metta meditation for well over 3 years now. One of the categories is the "neutral" person. You choose someone who you don't know well at all, someone you have little feeling about, either positive or negative. And you are encouraged to work with the same person. Unless you fall in love with them or hate them or something like that. So my "neutral" person these last several years is the Pakistani woman who works at the grocery store near my clinic. I know her name and that it means "flower" in English. And that she has a son. And that she works in the grocery store. That's about it.

Whenever I see her, she comments on how well I look and asks me how I lost the weight. So we've been chatting about that the last few months. For whatever reason, today I told her about my breast cancer. She said that her sister-in-law is going though hell right now with her treatment. So I passed her my card and told her sister-in-law to be in touch if she wanted to. It just seemed like the right thing to do at that time. She has no idea that I send her metta every day and have done so for over 3 years. I wonder what she'd make of that? Maybe she'd think that I'm a cosmic stalker?!

I am clearly quite ambivalent about my job. Today was very satisfying all around. I am going to sit tight until my scans. I don't want to give it up until I have a better sense of what I want next.

"Do Not Close Your Eyes Before Suffering"

"Do not close your eyes before suffering. Find ways to be with those who are suffering by all means, including personal contacts and visits, images and sounds. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world." -- Buddha

So this is the rub. A big part of me has always felt called to service which is why I became a social worker several decades ago. It feels wrong, somehow, not to be of service to others in some way. I am agonizing over what to do. Mark gently wondered if I'm having a mid-life crisis. Yes, yes, yes! I am. I am pouring over many scenarios in my mind. I can't do this job indefinitely, but now I'm thinking that I want to have more of a plan. I am too young to "retire". I want to contribute to the world.

I'm thinking -- what if I train in Buddhist psychology? There is a year-long program starting in September that I have considered attending in the past. Or the idea -- again -- of training to be a Jungian analyst. There is also an interesting program at the NYC Zen Center which gives monthly trainings in contemplative care, ie working with the dying. If I stay in social work, I want and need more of an intellectual challenge.

Doing full-time studio work is too isolating, probably. I am a social animal and would get lonely working long hours in the studio by myself. It is super fun to work collaboratively... but that's pretty unusual for an artist to work like that.

So I am living with my questions. Of course eventually I'll come to some decision but in the meantime... I am unclear. But that's OK. So I will stay put until I really get a strong internal message of what to do.

The photo was taken yesterday by another cafe patron. I was with Sharon and Allison. Sharon moved to upstate New York several years ago but left Boston 10 years ago. We don't get to see each other much so Mark and I postponed our drive out West so I could spend some time with her. We go pretty far back, to the mid-90's when we were both single and in a book club together with Allison and a whole crew.

I spent most of the day in the studio, working on the encaustic commission. I hope to show it to the gallery owner this week. I think it turned out very well. Hopefully Mark can take a good image so I can post it soon.

Narayan Weighs In

I took this photo last Friday while biking with Otto, Claudia and Mark. We biked right along this roaring, beautiful river.

Today I got an email from Narayan. She never emails directly but always through her assistant. She keeps very good boundaries! That's probably how she manages so much student demand -- and why she's able to do what she does. She knows how to manage her energy.

I have deleted some of it, that is personal and about her. But here's most of what what she wrote:

"I feel privileged to be on your happiness committee! And I wholeheartedly support you in quitting your job. Given that you are planning to continue to see your angels, come to the center to practice with me, and continue with your studio work, you will surely be around almost if not as much as while working. And since you can pull it off financially, why not? I think this is an easy decision, not to stress out about.

I am very glad to hear that you are acting on the aspirations you've had for a while. I wish you an easy transition and a wonderful June and look forward to seeing you before too long...
Love,
Narayan"

I was doing my yoga practice this afternoon and as often happens, I stumble upon ideas and insights. For some reason, it had never occurred to me until today that I have many, many options. I was thinking that I'm giving up my career and will just do art work. But of course, I have so many options. Like private practice. Like teaching yoga for prenatal (I have 7 years experience with that population and about 3 years of general classes). Or being a creativity coach. Or teaching kids art classes. I could even be a dog walker! So I am feeling more confident about the decision to leave the job.

Mark still needs to check with his HR department about covering me. Talk about pre-existing health conditions! So it's essential that I have coverage. I will not leave until I've had the scans which are coming up July 6. They are extremely expensive and I don't want any trouble with the insurance.

So... I still feel scared about leaving my comfort zone. The steady paycheck, the benefits, all that. But I know it's time for the next chapter. Courage!

Sasha's First Birthday

Shayna took this photo of me and Sasha today. I have so many adorable photos of the Angels and Sasha, but alas, my sister forbids me from posting them... so this will have to suffice. Thursday is my "aunty" day. Zoey, the 5 year old, always asks to spend more time with me. So today my sister said I could take her out of pre-school early so we'd have more time together. We did nothing special, but it was totally special. We went to the dog park. I made her crepes for lunch. She loves fresh lime with nutella -- weird combination, but it's what she likes! Then we walked to Tilla's who had made a ceramic cup especially for Zoey. She chose between 2 giraffe designs. Then we picked up the big kids at school, went for an ice cream at JP Licks, and finally to soccer practice. A totally ordinary day for them but so special for me. Zoey is at that age where she likes to recount all our experiences together. She gets a real laugh by telling me stories of what we've done together that I'd forgotten about.

And today's big news is that Sasha turned 1! She is doing great, although I had to go to the vet again today to pick up more medication to treat the bacterial infection that she had 3 weeks ago. She took the first dose for 5 days, then the rest of the dose 3 weeks later for 3 days. She is totally fine.

This evening Lucy and Rick invited us to a big fundraiser for the hospital I work for. Karma and Jeff were also there. There were awards for 3 very inspiring staff members. It was a little strange for me as I am contemplating leaving. The mission of the institution is totally wonderful and tonight made me question why I want to leave. There is kind of a disconnect between the ideals that we strive for and the reality of day-to-day practice, at least at my site.

My "happiness committee" has weighed in heavily and everyone is supporting my decision to leave my job and pursue creativity. Now, if I can only get myself to move on it! Although it seems so obvious, this feels like a huge decision and I have some ambivalence.

"The Peace of Wild Things"

Today's photo was taken by my dear friend Claude at a garden in Point Reyes in northern California. And Cynthia sent this poem a few days ago.

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

— Wendell Berry