Barre Center for Buddhist Studies

I spent the weekend with Chris Germer and Chris Ives at Barre Center for Buddhist Studies. There were 40 participants from all over the country. My roommate, Barbara, flew in from southern California. Chris G. was my clinical supervisor for a year -- we stopped meeting in June. I hope to have another year with him again, starting in July. He really brought my practice to a new level.

The program was called "Training Compassion: From the Buddha to Modern Psychotherapy". Mostly mental health professionals, as they offered CEUs. What a powerful program! It was the best training I've ever attended -- in 25 years! We all stayed on campus. Barbara and I had a room on the second floor of the farmhouse with windows on two sides. We bonded right away (not a silent retreat) and she was delighted that I had the forethought to bring instant Starbucks. The first morning I brought her coffee in bed -- we had a lot of fun, talking and enjoying our time there. She has written a few books on mindful communication and will send me copies. I told her I'd send her an encaustic painting.

She also told me about some teachers, retreat centers and an organization called Sakyadhita. "Sakyadhita" means "Daughters of the Buddha."I just signed up for their email. There is a conference every 18 months in a Buddhist country. 

I work today, then will fly to Santa Fe for an encaustics conference. 

Life's Work: Tom Phillips and Johnny Carrera

I am out West this week, enjoying some quiet time in the woods. Just me and Sasha who is now 3 years old. Mark is working. Usually it is too lonely here by myself, but this time I am really loving it. My work is challenging and I am bombarded by trauma and suffering. So it is replenishing and grounding to be here, in peace. I usually go off the hill once a day to see someone, but mostly I'm here by myself. I walk in the woods with Sasha (and have pulled ticks off both of us!), practice yoga, play the piano, work in the studio, garden, cook. Make healthy juices with the extractor. The garden is still producing beets, carrots, parsley. And the apple trees have been super productive this year.

Today I will range far afield and visit MassMOCA. It is an amazing museum. I am going to see this particular show:

Life's Work: Tom Phillips and Johnny Carrera
This two-person exhibition starts with that idea of a life's work, a project that an artist continually goes back to and that becomes both a trace of that work and a career. Both projects in this exhibition span decades and generations, and also function as re-inventions of existing texts. For the last 40 years British artist Tom Phillips has been working on A Humument, a series of collages based on A Human Document, the Victorian novel by W.H. Mallock. Phillips has altered the individual pages of the original book four times, each edition creating a new concrete text poem. For Life’s Work MASS MoCA will show Mallock’s unaltered book along with Phillips’ first edition of A Humument completed in 1973 as well as his most recent 5th edition completed in 2012. This amounts to a total of over 1,000 individual book pages. 

Maryland-based artist Johnny Carrera has taken on his own life’s work for the past twelve years. Carrera’s project, like Phillips’ starts with an existing book: in this case, the original engravings of the Webster’s Dictionary. Carrera’s, The Pictorial Webster's Dictionary, transforms his source to create a new lexicon of words, texts, and meaning. Together these projects not only offer insights into the working process of two artists but also allow viewers to rethink books, images, and the nature of time. For Life’s WorkCarrera will exhibition book pages alongside reinterpretations of the etching projected at a large-scale, inviting viewers to feel as if they can walk straight into the world of The Pictorial Webster’s Dictionary. 

Thanks for reading!

I have received a lot of email lately, letting me know that readers of this blog are still interested! Which is motivating to give an update on all fronts.

Health: I am still recovering from the detached retina after surgery on June 6. The vision in my left eye is really poor and is not correctible even with glasses. I now have an astigmatism. This bothers me constantly. Although I've been near-sighted since I was a kid, I didn't need to wear glasses unless driving or at the cinema or something like that. I will see the surgeon in mid-December. Now I understand that it can take months to get back to baseline. Although returning to baseline is unlikely. So this is something to learn to live with. The funny thing is I bought really cheap glasses at Pearl Vision, and I get so many compliments on them! I went right to the bargain rack, hoping that I will recover soon and not need such a strong script.

And as far as the cancer... I get scanned in a few weeks. If all is well, I'll get scanned annually rather than every 6 months. And at the beginning, it was every 3 months. I feel excellent so am pretty confident that it will be OK. The Vixen also told me that if I continue to do well, she will take me off treatment altogether. Already she has discontinued the Zometa which I used to take monthly. Then we went to every 3 months, then to every 6 months. It is crazy expensive -- like $7,000 per treatment. Next to drop off will be Lupron which is an injection every 3 months. And the Tamoxifen. Most cancer patients go off it after 5 years. I'm 5 years+ now... so it will be an interesting discussion.


Work: I continue at the hospital clinic 3 days/week. I will do an internal transfer to Consult Liaison Psychiatry as of November 1. I am very happy about this change -- I will provide psychotherapy to the primary care site with no case management. In my current position, I do a bit of case management along with the therapy. So this new role will suit me much better. My current position is slated to shift into complex case management which is NOT what I want to do. And I also continue in the private psychotherapy practice one evening a week. That has been very satisfying.

Art: a few months ago I was invited to join the Board of International Encaustic Artists as Exhibitions Director. I am also on the Board of Masswax, the local chapter. I thought I would like the Board position more than I do. What I've found is that it's a lot of politics... and decisions that I'm not interested in or even qualified to make. What I like to do is curate -- not the other stuff. I have not been in my studio much since May. During June and July I was not "allowed" to due to eye surgery, then I was bike-crazy the rest of the summer. I'm on vacation this week and plan to spend time in the studio every day. I'll be attending an encaustics conference in Santa Fe later this month.

Biking: I did the Pan Mass Challenge on August 3 and rode 111 miles. That was after 2 months of sitting on the couch all of June and July. What a thrill that was! And I just did another century ride last Saturday -- 105 miles altogether. I love these long rides. Gayle and I continue to bike together on Saturdays through the hills of Western Massachusetts. We went out yesterday for a really tough hill ride. She and I are perfectly matched -- we like the same level of challenge and also like to stop to shop at yard sales and most importantly, to eat! Yesterday she eyed some really cool handmade bowls at a yard sale that had Brail on the inside. She knows the potter and said that this artist is becoming renowned in her field. As an artist, it's sad to think about this beautiful work on the side of the road at a yard sale. I got 6 of her bowls for $5. What a deal!

More on Mark... and family... and meditation/yoga next time...
Want to get up to the studio now!

I Said To The Wanting-Creature Inside Me

Narayan often reads poetry to our meditation class, and since we are not allowed to take notes during dharma talks, it's a challenge to remember a few lines. But tonight I was so struck by the poem that I asked to write it down after class. Of course she was totally fine with that. Here it is:

I Said To The Wanting-Creature Inside Me


I said to the wanting-creature inside me:
What is this river you want to cross?
There are no travelers on the river-road, and no road.
Do you see anyone moving about on that bank, or nesting?

There is no river at all, and no boat, and no boatman.
There is no tow rope either, and no one to pull it.
There is no ground, no sky, no time, no bank, no ford!

And there is no body, and no mind!
Do you believe there is some place that will make the
soul less thirsty?
In that great absence you will find nothing.

Be strong then, and enter into your own body;
there you have a solid place for your feet.
Think about it carefully!
Don't go off somewhere else!

Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of
imaginary things,
and stand firm in that which you are.

Kabir

This fall we are working with the idea of renunciation. Letting go. The homework each work so far has been to "relax". That means something different to each of us. For some, it's a physical softening, noticing  how much tension we carry around. For others, it's a letting go of expectations. 

Tonight we were put in groups of 5, and asked to discuss this. I talked about the situation with my sister. Much to my delight and surprise, I have been able to let go of quite a lot of my suffering around this. Class last week really helped me see that it really is possible to let go of how we think things ought to be. I told the story of biking by myself a week ago, and having one of the worst bike rides ever. I was climbing hills, but what was making me totally miserable was obsessively thinking about my sister for mile after mile. It was a glorious day, and I kind of wasted it by my mental preoccupation with that situation.

Interestingly enough, as I've been able to let go more and more over the last week, her husband called yesterday to say that he will bring the Angels to Boston for dental appointments, and will have dinner with us tomorrow night. I am so excited to see them. I haven't seen them since probably May. 

This is where things stand -- and I need to be open to a shift as everything changes, eventually. And not suffer too much in the meantime, wishing that things were different.

Clover Century Ride

My long-distance bike riding passion continues to grow! Yesterday I did the Clover Century Ride out of Sunderland, Massachusetts. It is a brilliant model -- it consists of 4 loops, each 25 (+) miles. They are also ranked for difficulty. I went with Molly and Bernd. Gayle was going to go but it didn't work out. So we were three riders, and Molly's boyfriend joined us for the last loop. It is peak foliage right now so it was a gorgeous ride. The weather was fine -- really humid but the rain held off until I got in the Jeep to drive home. Cloudy, high of 67 with a bit of sun peeking through every so often.

For the first time on a ride, I began to get leg cramps. Not enough to knock me off the bike, but still quite painful. When I got home, I walked barefoot around the yard in the hope of easing up the stiffness. After a long ride I'm too uncomfortable to do yoga other than a few basic poses. When first lay down to sleep,  I got some excruciating cramping in both hamstrings; woke up screaming which was upsetting for Mark an the dog! Eventually it abated and I was able to sleep. I try to eat before a ride to load up on potassium and I hydrate well, but my body tends towards leg cramps.

Even so, it was a great event.
I don't have any more bike events planned, so that may be it for 2013.
The Clover organizer said that this was the 5th year and that she is losing enthusiasm for the event. So I offered to help her next year. May the Clover continue!

Letting Go

If you are not familiar with Tricycle.com, go to their web site and sign up for the "daily dharma" email teaching. I read it every morning. Sometimes it does not seem particularly relevant, but often it feels like being in church as a kid. The experience that the sermon was given just for you. The message that you need to hear at that moment in your life.

Here is today's:

"Letting go of fixation is effectively a process of learning to be free, because every time we let go of something, we become free of it. Whatever we fixate upon limits us because fixation makes us dependent upon something other than ourselves. Each time we let go of something, we experience another level of freedom. "

Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche, “Letting Go of Spiritual Experience” 

This fall Narayan is working on "renunciation". It is part of the Eight-fold Path. Letting Go. Letting Be. Finding freedom. On Tuesday she asked the class to give other words and we came up with about 20 different words to describe this.

On Tuesday she asked us to work in dyads, and to discuss with a new person, "why am I here". We could address it on any level - why we are on the planet, in this incarnation, in the meditation hall. Whatever. I started off saying that the reason I go to the Center is the peace that I experience. I biked by to meet Lucy for dinner before class, and even being near the building I get that feeling. And being anywhere around Narayan there is some kind of "transmission" of goodness. As I sank onto my cushion and she began to speak, I felt this spiritual balm. It's almost impossible to describe. 

Her first instruction was, "relax. Relax your body". I melted. Then she moved on to talk about letting go of our mental suffering. Even the suggestion is powerful. Really, let go of your mental suffering? That's possible? I simply followed my breath rather than the usual metta practice. Peace! 

Something very painful is happening now. My sister and I had a falling out in July and she refuses to communicate with me at all. Which means that I am not in touch with the Angels, either. I sometimes email Shayna but am very careful what I say. I won't get into what happened between us. All I'll say is that her silence is absolutely devastating to me psychologically. I have abandonment issues from family of origin, so this is about the worst thing for me to manage. She has been such a steady presence. It's impossible to imagine life without her. But that's how it is, at least for now. So I have to find a way to live happily and in peace, even with this.

For the first few months I worked with metta, but now that Narayan is teaching again, I will shift my practice to "just sitting" and will "lean into" what arises. Which is a lot of pain and anguish and re-playing the whole story over and over. 

This is my practice now -- to find peace. I will attempt to work with this situation in my spiritual practice. If I can let go of this, spiritual awaking is possible. Even for me!

Whoever Brought Me Here

Narayan has started teaching again. The first class of the fall was last week. I was unable to go as Mark was discharged from the hospital just the day before. [emergency gallbladder surgery, long story...] My friend Cheryl shared the homework from last week which was simply to relax. I actually practiced relaxing during sitting meditation during the week, and it was quite amazing how such a simple instruction was so powerful. Imagine that, just relax!

But I was able to go tonight. Narayan was her radiant self, dressed entirely in white as usual. She often reads poetry, and tonight she read a few lines from Rumi's "Whoever Brought Me Here".

Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.