73.5 Miles!

Biking with Big Mark

This photo was taken about 6:30 this morning as my brother Mark and I set out to go biking. He is a union carpenter and has lots of safety glasses so he gave me a pair. We did 20 miles together, then he headed home and I continued onto the Cape Cod bike path. Today I put in a whopping 73+ miles. I really don't know how to explain how it is that I'm doing this. I decided that I wanted to go 70 miles, and just did it. Yes, it hurts at times. But I feel so motivated that I just keep on going.

My brother is cool! He looked over my bike to make sure it was ready to go and gave me lots of riding instructions. We had a good chat while we rode. Those were quick miles.

Once on the bike path, I met a guy in a 2010 Pan Mass Challenge shirt. I asked if I could ride with him for a bit. This was quite bold as he was clearly a very experienced cyclist. He told me about the paceline and how we will be going single file with one's front wheel 1 foot from the bike ahead. That is called drafting. I couldn't tell the difference necessarily, but I definitely went much faster. So I practiced with him for those 10 miles. It also didn't hurt that he was so handsome and in great shape. I said, "so, all I have to do is watch your back tire and your perfect legs?" That made him laugh. After a while I said thanks and feel free to be on your way. He wished me luck, and like a cartoon character, shifted his torso low over the front wheels, and shot off like a bullet.

60th Wedding Celebration

I got to the Cape last evening and spent a few hours at the house. It was actually quite lovely to walk into the kitchen to find several dozen people around the table. Kelsey was making homemade frozen yogurt and people were chatting and hanging out.

There were no scheduled activities today, so everyone did whatever they wanted. I took a short bike ride into town for coffee quite early, and spent a few hours in the hotel room doing meditation and yoga. We all took turns in the kitchen. I had the lunch slot, so spent a few hours preparing and cleaning up for about 30 people.

One of the many highlights was taking a walk on the beach with my brother. It is unusual that we spend time, just the two of us. He is a huge biker so we plan to meet early in the morning for a long ride. He admired my new bike, giving it the thumbs up. And spent quite a bit of time teaching me about what to do about flat tires. A new way to connect with him.

After a bike ride, tomorrow I'll shift gears and go stay with my sister and the Angels for a night. She opted out of this whole weekend which is unfortunate on the one hand, but on the other hand she sticks to her principles and does not spend time with my uncle who she finds reprehensible.

Zuzu

Sasha and Zuzu

Beverly, a friend from the dog park, took this photo of our dogs together a few days ago. Sasha knows a few words, of course "treat", "breakfast" and "dinner". But she also knows the name "Zuzu" who is her best friend. They romp around together every weekday morning and so enjoy being together!

I'm feeling pretty good after yesterday's ride. All I can say is thank god for 18 years of yoga practice. I have a good sense of which poses will be most helpful. I'll take a few days off from intense biking, but will get in a few more rides between now and next Saturday. We were out really late last night. Chitra and Anu are here from Bangalore, working in Mark's office. We took them out to a wonderful Afghanistan restaurant, then for a stroll around Harvard Square.

This weekend is my aunt's 60th wedding anniversary. She and her husband have invited the "kids" (we are all in our 40's and 50's) and grandkids on both sides for a party tomorrow. I was debating whether to go as my last visit was pretty awful with him. But I've decided to go as I like everyone else in the family. And they are providing hotel rooms for everyone. So I'll head down to the Cape this afternoon after the studio.

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67.5 miles

morning date with Lulu

Holy Smokes, I biked 67.5 miles today. I biked to north Cambridge to the Minuteman Bike Trail, then a 19 mile loop (twice) through Bedford, Carlilse and Concord. It was perfect weather. In the 80's but not hot or sticky. It was fantastic! My goal was at least 65 miles, preferably 70 miles, but I am thrilled with what I did. I rode by horse farms, historic houses, cemeteries (I've always had a thing for cemeteries). And the best ice cream stand in the world. I allow myself one per month in the summer. They give the biggest portions you can imagine. Kimball Farms.

Training for this event is the best thing I've done in a while -- it is strangely fun, even though it can be painful at times when my legs cramp up. I stopped by Lucy's on the way home and she gave me some much-needed lemonade and water. I am getting more and more comfortable on the bike. I haven't put the toe clips on yet -- that still feels too scary.

So I'm having a blast. The money keeps pouring in. Right now I'm at about $5200. With more checks coming in! If this goes well and if I'm healthy, I will do the full monty next year. 190 miles over 2 days. Otto also suggested that the 4 of us do RAGBRAI, the annual bike ride across Iowa in 2012. I have bike fever.

Today's photo is of Lulu. She came over quite early this morning for coffee. We have been friends for 30+ years. We live rather close by but don't see each other enough! So it was a great way to start the day.

Chitra, our friend from Bangalore, is in town and we will get together tonight. It is a beautiful day here in Boston and she wants to explore Cambridge. Life is very, very full right now.

Russian Bureaucracy

Do I see a beaver over there?

Mark, Trish, Christiane and I have tickets to fly to Moscow on August 20, and our visas are still somewhere in the Russian bureaucracy. Since the time of one of the great Russian writers such as Gogol, Russia has been infamous for it's bureaucracy. Christiane says it's like Gogol's story "The Nose" which was written in 1835. It seems that things are moving along at this point -- once we agreed to pay a significant amount of money to the visa service company. It has been maddening. In order to go to Russia, you need a letter of support. The Tolstoy Museum provided everything but the Russian consulate said that it need to be in a different form or format -- they kept saying something different each time. So we asked for a template. No, the template doesn't exist because in the past tourists abused it, so the consulate decided that applicants would have to know what to provide. It has been crazy. Trish has been taking care of it, and even so, it's been frustrating! So now that we've ponied up more money, it looks like we can expect our visas on August 12 or sooner.

Narayan Says...

photo by Paula Keating

I met with Narayan last night. I was the last student of the evening, so didn't have to rush out after the usual 20 minute slot. She let me take lots of photos of her -- especially her hands and feet. She got a kick out of that. However, she entrusts that the photos are for my own use, not to share with anyone. So the session started on a light note. I told her about the trip to Russia next month and training for the Pan Mass Challenge.

When I began to talk about returning to the "old yogis" class in the fall, she kindly (and firmly) reminded me why I dropped out last winter. I said that I will do whatever it takes to spend more time with her. She said that she has been giving a lot of workshops, dharma talks and 2-day retreats the last few months, but I'm not attending. That really took me aback. I realized that where I really want to be is out West, in the gardens, on the bike, in the studio. Not sitting in a dharma hall in meditation. Even with her! Usually I feel rather coddled and indulged. She was a little more direct this time -- but in a kind way. So I've been thinking since then -- what am I committed to? How important is dharma practice? What are my aspirations? So after all, it was a very useful interview. She said that of course I am welcome to return to the class, I am welcome to attend whatever I want. She is wonderful -- guiding me with love and kindness, but also with her well-honed wisdom. So I am reflecting on all of this.

I will be attending the class tonight that she co-teaches with Michael. I feel tired and so HUNGRY after all the cycling. I am planning my next big ride on Thursday! Hoping to do at least 65 miles! Poor Sasha -- she is getting a little ignored these last few weeks. But she doesn't seem to mind!

Last Minute Interview with Narayan

who loves the water?

I got a call this afternoon from the meditation center with an offer to have an interview with Narayan this evening. Of course I snapped it up, even though I am very tired today. There was a cancellation. I haven't had an interview with her since April. So I am very excited to see her. She does not allow me to post photos of her, but I'll ask her tonight if she will allow me to photograph her hands or feet. She has the most graceful and expressive hands and feet. I remember being in the airport in Kerala, India a few years ago and seeing postcards of the feet of Amma. That made a lasting impression.

I rode my new bike to work as I had to get it tuned up. The bike shop said to bring it back within 30 days, after it had been broken in. I came out with a nicely tuned bike, a fancy air pump, bungy cords and Boston bike maps. This is becoming quite the expensive endeavor. I have to say that for a commute, the old bike is much better. The new bike has skinny tires and is very fast, but also unstable and doesn't do well with the Boston potholes and badly mended roads.

60.22 Miles

Love the smell of fresh cut hay

I am learning a lot about myself through training for this ride. I set my mind to doing 60 miles today, and did! I can barely walk and was so tired that my elbows slipped off the table as we ate dinner. But I did it! I am learning that in fact I can set physical goals and meet them. That I have a lot of determination and can tolerate physical pain. All good stuff. A friend (and breast cancer patient) said that if I can "do" breast cancer, that I can certainly train for this ride.

Janine did the first 15 miles with me. We met in a lawyer's office when we bought her house 5 years ago. That's a funny way to meet. She looked across the negotiating table at me and said, "you are very simpatico". That sealed the deal. We've been friends ever since. She also likes snow shoeing, cycling and hiking. She showed me a new loop. We are well-matched in terms of speed and endurance so I enjoyed that. Once she finished, she pointed me in the right direction, and off I went. One of the most memorable sights was having a pecan cinnamon roll at a mom and pop bakery which was closing as of today. It reminded me of the kind my mother used to make. It made me sad to see yet another local place go out of business.

The most challenging thing about today's ride was that my left thigh was killing me. Yesterday I took Sasha for a long walk in the woods and tripped. I landed on all fours; scraped up my shins but got a very bad bruise on the upper thigh when I fell on top of a log. I gouged pretty deeply. Initially I thought I may have broken the bone because it really hurt. Other than that I felt pretty good -- I have a fancy odometer that tells me that I rode for 4 hrs 43 minutes at an average of 12.6 miles per hour. I stop a lot. But that's probably why I can go so far.

My next long ride will be Thursday. I hope to built up to 70 miles before the event. If I can do 70, I can definitely finish. I read that the first 25 miles are basically downhill. I've been riding in western Massachusetts which has killer hills. So I should be well prepared even though I have just trained for a month.

How Many Miles Was That?

Trish!

I took this photo of Trish on her I-phone this morning. She stayed over night last night as we were all in the "Friends" show in East Boston. What a pleasure it is to laugh together! We were saying that the friendships that really last are those where you can really laugh together. Isn't that true?

Yesterday afternoon.I spent with the Angels. The whole family was in Boston for the day as my sister was giving a talk. It was wonderful to see them again. I have missed them since they have been away for the summer. We had a long stretch of time together. It was outrageously hot so wanted an air-conditioned venue. We decided to go to the Museum of Fine Arts to see the glassblowing show by Chihuly. They loved it! They are open-minded kids and very fun to be with. They also got a kick out of helping me buy food for last night's artist reception. Luke said, "so does this mean that we get to buy JUNK food?". He spelled out the word JUNK. It is a novelty for them to spend lots of money on unhealthy food.

The party was very well attended, in spite of the record-breaking temperatures.

Mark took an unexpected trip to New Jersey today as his father is not doing well and his brother needed some relief. So I drove out West this morning with Sasha. Kande and Mike drove up from New Jersey with their toddler twins yesterday. It has been wonderful to be together again since their move several months ago. We have spent many happy times here together over the years.

I did a long bike ride but am not sure how far I went as the odometer broke. I took it to the bike shop where we bought it a few weeks ago and was told that perhaps the hot weather caused it to malfunction. It was 102 when I began at 2pm. I rode for 4 hours. It was intense! I think I did about 50 miles. I am enjoying this training a lot, even in this crazy heat. Can you say endorphins? I get kind of high doing it. The event is 2 weeks away and each week I feel significantly stronger. Today I rode in extreme heat and a fair amount of hills. I'll take tomorrow off, then go again on Sunday.

The blueberries, raspberries and strawberries are all producing. We are eating well up here on the hill!

"Revealing Who We Are"

photo by Mark Natale

I've been thinking more about self-revelation. A friend gave me a book a few years ago by Mark Nepo called "The Book of Awakening: having the life you want by being present to the life you have". It gives a daily lesson. Today's reading was entitled "Revealing Who We Are".

"It is perhaps the oldest of inner laws, as inescapable as gravity. There is no chance of lifting into any space larger than yourself without revealing the parts you hold closest to your chest.

Any time you hesitate revealing who you are, picture yourself as a bird perched on a roof, wings tucked at your sides. To enter a relationship without opening your heart is to jump off that roof without spreading your wings.

It's true that baby birds hesitate the first time out of the nest, but once tasting the air, it is in their nature to open and rise, and close and land. This is their life. It is ours too.

The paradox, of course, is that we must trust that the power to lift and land, for us, is in revealing what we hide. Once revealed, these tender things become our wings."

Tonight is the opening reception at Atlantic Works Gallery where Mark and I are both members. He put this portrait of me into the show. So since I'll be exposed on gallery walls, I thought I'd post it here. Our friends Trish and Deborah are also in the show as it is our annual "friends" show and we invited them to show with us.

"I Can Cope"

fresh cut hay

I was invited to be a guest speaker this afternoon at a cancer support group at the hospital where I work. It is co-led by 2 social workers who I've known for a long time. It is funded by the American Cancer Society and there was a staff member from that organization present. ACS runs a series called "I Can Cope". I was invited to speak about self-care. It was a wonderful experience. I was so struck by each of the members, each with their own unique story yet so clearly connected with each other and the group leaders as well. One of the men was diagnosed just over 6 months ago and was quite emotional. At one point he walked out in tears. But he came back which was so brave. One of the women is having a mastectomy early next month. When we finished, she reached out to touch me. I told her that I'd pray for her. It was a beautiful moment of connection and true metta. I hope they invite me back again.

The title of the group caught my attention. Growing up, I remember my mother always saying, "I just can't cope". And she really couldn't. For all kinds of reasons. It always upset me when she said that. Yet here I was in a room full of cancer patients, each trying to cope as gracefully as possible. It was a very moving experience. When I send metta to "all beings", this group will surely come to mind.

Sometimes I question why I write this blog. I spend quite a bit of time at it, and reveal a lot. There is no password, so anyone can read it. Why would anyone do that? (There are many reasons with no simple answer.) Today I got an email from a long-time reader who stumbled upon it quite by accident. I was totally blown away by what she said and how this blog has been helpful. It brought me to tears! So I am freshly inspired to keep going.

We can cope!

Making Space for it All

I took this photo on Sunday. It is the view down the road from the end of the driveway.

Tonight I went to the second meditation class of a five-week series. Michael and Narayan share the teaching. When one speaks, the other sits with eyes closed, in meditation. It is interesting to have 2 teachers at the same time as they both have a slightly different perspective on everything. I continue to believe that Narayan is an enlightened being. Being in the room with her, there is a palpable energy. She is surrounded by love. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. I have been around plenty of "spiritual" people from both meditation and yoga as well as ministers and priests, but she really has something special going on.

They give "homework" each week. This week we are to notice when we have difficult emotions, and are to ask ourselves if we can make space for them. If the answer is "no", I can't tolerate this, then we are to inquire further, to see if we can make space for our resistance. This will be an interesting week!

Shout out to Roxanne and Mary Jane

Thanks so much, Roxanne, whoever you are, for making a contribution to the Pan Mass Challenge. You commented on that site that you love this blog. Your timing is perfect because I've been wondering whether to continue to write. This has to be about the most narcissistic endeavor ever. Who cares what I have to say on a daily basis? It is totally and completely self-indulgent. Now and then I kind of forget that anyone can read this blog, too. It is not searchable but one could easily stumble upon it because it has a lot of links. Anyway, Roxanne, I am curious about who you are, what you like about this blog and how in the world you found it.

And also a shout-out to Mary Jane, a friend of my husband's. I don't have your email to thank you for your PMC donation, as well.

Blueberries for Sal

lavender in bloom

Or maybe I should say 'Blueberries for Sasha". Early this morning I went out to inspect the gardens (as always) and was delighted to find our first blueberries of the season. Only a handful, but very exciting nonetheless. Friday I picked the first strawberry of the season. Lucy gave me about 25 strawberry plants for my birthday. The planting instructions said not to expect any fruit the first year. So I was very happy to prove them wrong!

I feel pretty good after yesterday's long bike ride. I was pouring over maps this morning, but will give it a rest for a few days other than commuting to work.

50 Miles!

perennial garden in full bloom

Well, well, well. I biked 50 miles today! When I finished, I felt fine. Not totally wrecked. I went back to the bike shop and replaced the tube that blew out. Good thing I got a quick lesson in changing a tire a few days ago. High pressure tires are very sensitive. What I ran over -- some tiny bits of glass -- wouldn't have impacted the mountain bike, but these tires need to be filled at least once a week and can't take much impact. But they fly! I also bought some yellow biking glasses -- the kind of that Bono wears. I was told that glasses are essential due to junk flying up from the road. What else? oh yea, I got new pedals for clip-ons. I am decked out! I am terrified to use the clip-ons but am told that they make a huge difference on long rides, especially hills. I will ask Mark to install the new pedals and will begin to train on those.

50 miles gives you a lot of time to think. It took 5 hours which isn't too bad considering how long it took to figure out the flat tire situation. Although mostly I was paying attention to the roads and keeping track of directions. I went through areas I'd never seen before. By cemeteries, factories, farms, neighborhoods, a little of everything. It was quite hot, around 91 degrees according to a bank in town. Towards the end -- mile 44 to be exact -- I was going through a neighborhood and asked someone with a garden hose to give me a spray down. It felt great! I drank LOTS of water and brought along more coconut water.

Funny, I am really enjoying all of this. It feels like an activity that my body really likes. I am not fast AT ALL. But I have a lot of determination and am strong in general. So in 3 weeks I hope to be ready to finish 84 miles. Woohoo!

Mark got back from the West Coast late last night and drove out West this morning. So we'll have some time out here together. I won't bike tomorrow, although I may fool around with the new pedals. Without exception everyone falls a time or two with them. I just hope I don't fall too hard!

43 Miles!

thistles in bloom

The title of today's post says it all -- I rode 43 miles! I love having an odometer hooked up -- thanks Mark! -- because it is motivating. I set out to do at least 40 miles. When I hit 20 miles, I had a little more juice in me, and figured that I could make it back to the Jeep. So I went a little further. Once, about 25 years ago, I rode biked 43 miles. That is my personal best for distance. I felt quite strong today so hope to do 50 when I ride on Saturday. I'll take tomorrow "off" to give my legs a rest.

Gayle had suggested drinking coconut water so I stocked up on Goya brand a few days ago. I also bought one bottle of a "healthy", expensive brand to compare. Maybe it was the Goya coconut water, but I definitely felt strong on the way home after I drank it.

I rode through the most beautiful areas. I went by the lab breeder farm where I got Sasha last August. I had heard that Crescent was dying of liver cancer, and in fact she did die June 1. When we first met, she was in remission. She was a beautiful, strong woman. I liked her immediately. I stopped and talked to her husband for a while. He is broken up over it. He is going to sell the Morgan horses that she raised but will continue to breed labs. It felt weird to see him, in a way. Why did she die and I continue to live? I show up hale and hearty on a bike, and he is a widower. Kind of a survivor's guilt, maybe.

Bontrager

I am so pleased -- and amazed -- to say that I have already raised more than the $3,000 minimum for the Pan Mass Challenge. And I only sent out the last batch of emails on Monday night! Wow! Now that is a lot of support for a great cause! And more donations are on their way... Now it's my turn to train hard and do my best to complete the ride. After work today I went to a bike shop and bought Bontrager biking shoes. They are made to be clipped-in to the pedals but I haven't screwed up my courage enough to try those. Maybe I will as I get more comfortable on bike. It is definitely less stable than the mountain bike so I am hesitant to add a new element to the mix. But I've heard that clip-ins make a huge difference on long rides with a lot of hills. So maybe...

I drove out West with Sasha late this evening. Mark is in San Francisco on business; Team Tolstoy is on hiatus this month; the Angels are away for the summer. And I am eager to put in some mileage. My hope is to add 10 miles a week to my mileage so I have a whisper of a chance to complete the ride.

Last night I attended the first class of a 5 week series that Narayan is teaching with Michael. The name of the class is "Difficult Emotions and Dharma Practice". The place was packed. Every week they give "homework". We are to pay attention to 3 "touch points" of the body as strong emotions arise: the hands, the sitting bones (if sitting) and whatever part of your body is touching the ground. The idea is to create internal spaciousness for our emotions so we neither avoid them nor become embroiled in them. I would be happy to take any class that she teaches. It felt great to be back in her loving presence.

Fundraising

truck permanently abandoned in the woods

I am blown away by the response to my fund raising effort. Which is not to say that I wouldn't appreciate more! I just sent out my final batch of emails an hour or so ago. Already I am at $1725 and there are more monies not accounted for yet. Wow. As I walked along the sidewalk last Wednesday on my way into the Dana Farber, I had a strong sense that this is what I want to do. Mark and I sat in their Healing Garden on the 3rd floor of the new building between treatments, and I did my meditation sitting along the stone wall. I am so grateful for all the care I've received there, and thousands of other people have as well. I sat next to an older man on the second floor, waiting to get our blood drawn. He was from Maine, and had driven 3 hours for his appointment. He had some kind of leukemia that was thought to be fatal, but he went into a trial at the DFCI and is living testament to the wonders that they do on a daily basis.

I keep thinking about my new bike and how I can't wait to get back on her again. I figure if I can add an additional 10 miles each week, I'll be up to 60+ miles by the event. Then maybe I can just run on adrenaline.

I am psyched!

33 Miles!

Gayle

So today my training began in earnest. I met up with Gayle who is an experienced and strong biker. She is also a potter who does beautiful work. I use her coffee cups every morning and love them so! She took me on a beautiful ride with just enough challenge. It took about 4 hours so we weren't setting any speed records, but it was a comfortable pace so I could keep up with her. Mark installed on odometer on the bike last night so it was gratifying to keep track of the distance. The miles piled up and I was very pleased with what we did.

We're driving back to the city tonight, but I'll work 3 days, and drive back out here Wednesday night. Mark will be in San Francisco for work this week, so I'll spend the time out West, climbing hills on the bike. Gayle gave me some really helpful pointers today -- to use the front brake only lightly and only when absolutely necessary (to avoid getting thrown over your handlebars) and how to lead with the heel as you climb hills.

This training is exhilarating!

Yours truly

Training Ride #2

Here we are in the bike shop this morning. Mark is a "gear guy" and is doing a great job getting me outfitted. I have been digging through the closets and drawers and have found all kinds of bike gear that I had forgotten about. Padded shorts, gloves, all kinds of things.  That is my bike! I feel as if I should name it. We are becoming quite intimate!

Yesterday I took her out for a trial run. I rode about 1 hr 20 minutes along the Charles River, on both sides. It feels so right, training for this event. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being on a bike. The last few years I have been a bike commuter, but going for long rides is a totally different experience. There is a sense of freedom, of limitless possibility.

Today I went even further, for 2 hours. Mark just installed the odometer tonight so I'll have a better sense of mileage. We've had this house in western Massachusetts for 5 summers now, and I've never biked around here. So it feels like I'm on vacation in a totally new place, as today took me to little towns I've only heard of. I have raised $600 dollars so far! And have only emailed a fraction of my mailing list. I was worried about the fund raising, but it's going really well. The thing I do need to focus on is getting in shape!

The only down side of all this is that Sasha isn't getting in her long walks in the woods. She doesn't seem to mind. She is definitely slower in the hot weather and enjoys tearing around the yard when she gets inspired.

Other than the bike ride, we've been up here on the hill all day. Marian came up for dinner. It was a beautiful night. Lovely.

Pan Mass Challenge

As Mark and I walked into the Dana Farber Wednesday morning, I noticed (again) the bricks on the sidewalk with the names of Massachusetts towns that the Pan Mass Challenge goes through. The PMC is a fundraiser for the Jimmy Fund/Dana Farber Cancer Institute. The last 2 years we raised money for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, but this year it just seems right to help the DFCI.

So rather impulsively I went out last night and bought a fancy road bike and signed up to do the PMC! Actually I have been thinking about doing it for a few years now and the bike is a gift from Mark to celebrate the good news this week. In any case, I have committed to riding 84 miles on August 6 and raising a minimum of $3,000. All this in 4 short weeks! I am a bike commuter, i.e. I ride 30 minutes each way to work, 3 days a week. So this is a horse of a different color. This will be a real challenge! But I'm psyched and totally up for it.

Please consider making a donation! Here is the link:

http://www.pmc.org/profile/LB0222

Onward

"Those who have a why to live can bear with almost any how" -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Last night I finished reading the best, most inspiring book. "Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life" by Gregg Levoy. Here is one of the last paragraphs:

'In saying yes to our calls, we bring flesh to word and form to faith. We bring substance to dreams, to passions, and to the ancient urgencies. We ground ourselves in life and bring ourselves into being as alchemists and magicians in their finest hours. By following our calls, we come as close as seems possible to embody the gods and knowing some of what it means to have their power -- to make bodies out of clay, rain out of vapors, gold out of lead, fruit out of the idea of fruit. We touch dolls with a wand and make their wooden eyes flutter. We give life. By doing so, we please the gods and the goddesses. It is as we're their very arms and legs, and when we act with enthusiasm, we set them to dancing."

I feel physically beaten up from the infusion of Zometa yesterday, but energetically I am ready to move forward. I find Levoy's words so inspiring. I have been blessed with more time on this planet. So now I need to figure out -- what next? 

Good scans -- all is well!

Whew... what a relief. We arrived at the Dana Farber at 8am and got home around 4pm. We met with The Vixen at 1pm. As is her usual, she popped in the room and the first thing she said was, "you are fine". Yea! She said that I don't need to do mammograms or breast MRIs anymore. She also said that she has never had a patient do as well as I am on the first line of treatment, i.e. hormonal therapy. She said that before me, the longest any of her patients were controlled was 1 year. I am almost 3 years now and the medication is definitely working. She is very intense. She stared straight into my eyes and said, "you the most successful patient I have ever had with this line of treatment and you know how happy this makes me, right?"She said to keep on doing whatever it is that I'm doing, because we are on a great path. I love her so!

So I won't go back again for 3 months, and will get scanned in 6 months.

Now I can feel comfortable making plans... I want to take Kelsey to Paris in the fall to celebrate her college graduation.

I also want to do some fundraising for the DFCI. They have their annual bike event the first weekend in August called Pan-Mass Challenge. I will look into it now, but feel motivated to do my part to help them as an institution. I sat next to an older man from Maine who said that he had leukemia and is doing extremely well thanks to his excellent treatment at the Dana. Stay tuned...

Marsha Linehan

Here is the view from Trish's porch. What a beautiful spot! In the distance are fields of organic produce.

Today someone at work sent around an article from the New York Times. There was a story published on 6/23/11 about Dr. Marsha Linehan, world-famous psychologist who created a program to treat borderline personality disorder called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. She is now in her late 60's. She was giving a presentation when an audience member asked if she herself had suffered from borderline personality disorder. For the first time ever, she publicly disclosed her own mental health struggles. And they were intense! I kept thinking about this today. What courage it takes to speak the truth. So many of us are invested in what others think of us, how we appear. Maybe in all realms of life, but it seems especially so in mental health. I found the article very inspiring. One of my daily prayers is that we can all move more towards the truth of how things really are and to live in love. Marsha Linehan has done just that! Kudos to her.

Mark will go with me tomorrow for the scans. We arrive at 8am and meet with The Vixen at 1pm. I have been preparing for this for months... I'm ready. I am feeling very positive. Everyone I meet tells me how well I look. May it be so!

Rosemary Skewers

Today I went over to Trish's house. Her husband is an organic farmer. He offered me the most wonderful gift: long firm stems of rosemary that you can use as a skewer for grilling. What a clever idea! You use the rosemary stem itself as a skewer. So whatever you grill picks up that flavor. Love it!

We're back in the city, ready for a short work week. Mine will be particularly short as today was a holiday, I'll work tomorrow, then off again Wednesday for the medical marathon.


The anticipation grows. Although I have to say that this time I am the calmest I have ever been just before the scans. You really have to be prepared for any range of test results. It's a tricky balance, not to freak out one the one hand, yet on the other to be so calm and collected that a bad result would come as a shock... so I'm walking that fine line.

Tjanting Needle

Today was all about encaustic painting. I spent many hours in the studio and completed an entire piece! And a small one as well. The weather was rainy so it was a perfect day to stay inside. Although I did get in a long walk and some gardening before it began to come down. Mark promises that he will photograph them "soon". I worked with the instructions from Carol and was unable to reproduce some of the techniques. Oh well. I will continue to try to learn and practice. She showed me a wonderful tool that is used in batik called a tjanting needle. She has a really old one with sort of a barrel which holds the hot wax; the ones I see online are harder to fill, she says. So my quest for new encaustic supplies continues. I am totally enthusiastic about this new medium.

Otherwise it's been a quiet day here on the hill. As Wednesday gets closer, I am getting more anxious about my results. If I go by how I feel physically, I will be totally fine. I feel strong, healthy, energetic. No problem. It is hard to plan anything beyond Wednesday. It's like a huge hurdle. Once I've got my results, whatever they may be, I will feel free to move ahead again.

Elise's Labyrinth

This afternoon I met Marian for a visit to her friend Elise's house who built this fabulous labyrinth -- all by herself! Actually many of the stones were given to her by friends. We walked through it and it was wonderful. In the center is a tiny gazebo, in the middle of which sits a huge tree trunk carved into the shape of various animals including a bear. I am inspired to make one at our house. It would be perfect for walking meditation. Mark thinks that it will be a lot of work to set up and a lot of work to maintain, but I really want to do it anyway. I will make it on top of the septic system, an otherwise completely useless part of the yard.

After Elise's, we went for a swim in the river. Sasha swam her heart out today. She was so tired this evening that she could barely make it outside to pee. Mark said that she just sat in the grass until he opened the door and she went back to sleep in the house. She is an excellent little swimmer. It was hot today so even I took a dunk!

This evening we were invited to Janine's for a bbq. As it got dark, we were able to watch fireworks from her yard. One of the other guests brought sparklers -- such a visceral memory of being a kid and running around the yard with those.

I am perfecting making Portuguese rice pudding!

Beloved Aunty

Here are Maria (my cousin's 19 year old daughter) and my aunt. This is a classic photo of her with a goofy sun visor, as we prepared to go out in the boat. I cried as I left her this afternoon. I told her that my uncle is too toxic and impossible to be around. I am not sure that I can visit her again. She is 82 and does very little traveling on her own. So we are really in a pickle about how to move forward. Staying in the house again is out of the question. So I guess I'll stay in a hotel or at my sister's. I really love her and want to be with her as much as possible, but he makes it impossible. I have started to send him metta again - he is definitely my "difficult" person!

Mark and I drove out West this evening. The gardens are lush and I spied our first tomato of the season, an orange cherry variety called "sungold". What a relief to be back in my own space!

The seminar was just terrific. I told my sister that we should go together next year. It was so good that I'd go again. A third time!