Kong Wubba

Here is a Kong Wubba. My neighbor Lisa and her 3 kids bought it for Sasha. They gave it to her tonight and she loves it!

Good thing I love this puppy so much. This morning started off disastrously. There was a terrible smell in the house -- this is just before 6am. Her crate liner was smeared with very loose stool. There was even some spattered on the wall. It was astonishing. And smelly. And quite disgusting. She was also dirty, so I gave her her first bath. And washed down the liner outside with the garden hose. Meanwhile she is terrorizing the house, eating Mark's underwear while I was making her food. Shredding a newspaper article I'd saved for my sister. Chewing on my clock. She managed to untie her leash while I had her tied up, trying to clean up the crate liner. I found that she had shredded one of the [clean] plastic poo bags. I can't even remember what else went on. We finally got underway to walk to the dog park, and she jumped unexpectedly, so I spilled coffee all over myself. By that time I just had to laugh. I was ready to wring her neck!

Other than the dog stories... a pretty normal day. It is very hot, in the 90's, but I biked anyway. I love the regular exercise.

My friend Lulu (photo of her with Sasha a few days ago) will join me in the dog park tomorrow. She read here that I go there every morning, and wants to get up early as well and get some exercise, so this is a way to socialize with friends while tending to puppy.

Yep, kong wubba.

Neighborhood Girl

Mark took this photo a few days ago. I am practicing yoga -- downward facing dog -- with Sasha right under me. Some of my favorite photos of her are on the meditation cushion and yoga mat. Although we had home-made ice cream with our neighbor Julie last night, and Sasha was awfully cute, running around her patio with a hula hoop. I am crazy about this puppy.

She wakes up at night when she hears me get up to pee, so she has to go, too. This morning that was just before 5am. She was able to go back in her crate with minimal barking and stayed there quietly until 6am. She is getting there!

So our new weekday routine is up at 6am, coffee for me and kibble for her, then we walk to the Green Dog park where she runs with her friends until 7am. We go home and I shower, then practice yoga. Mark plays with her. She spends much of my practice time on my mat.

I biked to work and was very eager to leave and get home. Her puppy sitter said that she didn't bark at all today when she arrived or when she left. Mark bought her a John Deere plush toy which she just loves.

This evening I spent some time with her outside with the neighborhood kids. It is fun for all of us. Puppy love!

Green Dog

Here is Lulu lying on the floor with Sasha in the studio on Friday. Who is more content?

I was up at 2am taking Sasha outside for her potty time, and she went to sleep easily in her crate after about 2 minutes of barking. Totally reasonable. She woke up earlier than usual this morning, at 5:30. I took her outside, then let her sleep by the bed til about 7. I feel like the mother of a baby, a little sleep-deprived and cranky to be woken up too early. We headed to Starbucks, then spent a long time in the park nearby. My town has a Green Dog Program which is described as "an innovative approach to meeting our dog's and dog owner's desire to have time off-leash, while sharing the spaces with other park users in our urban community." There are 14 off-leash areas scattered across the Town, with specific off-leash hours.

She made many new friends today. Myles the Weimaraner, Rico the little mutt and many others. She loved it held her own while being pummeled and tossed around -- when she wasn't initiating wild play and free running herself. She will probably sleep the rest of the day. So will I!

I am rarely in the city on the weekend so will take advantage of the time and will work on my perennial garden which is often neglected by late August. Mark should be home by late afternoon. All is well.

My New Tribe

I was initiated into my new tribe today -- as a dog owner. Sasha woke up at 6am, almost on the dot. She also woke up at 3am and after I took her outside to pee, settled down and slept til 6. But then she was definitely up. And so was I. We bee-lined for the backdoor, she had her breakfast, then we went to Starbucks. I am quickly learning where you can and where you can't take dogs. Starbucks is the latter. She is irresistibly cute. A new "friend", a neighbor I'd never met before, offered to watch her while I went in to get my morning fix. The whole store was in an uproar over her.

I came home and did meditation and yoga practice. She loves to sit on the meditation cushion with me. Today as I was lying down in sasavasa, she came over and put her throat over mine. Just draped herself over me. She is so awesome.

The Angels came around 9 and stayed all day. We went to the dog park together, a place that none of us had been before. It was a trip. We quickly got oriented by a few other dog owners. We were told not to bring doggy treats as you would be swarmed by dozens of dogs and it's bad form to give treats without checking with the owner first. We were also told that "newbies" should not leave the dog on the leash, but should let them run free and "socialize".

It was a little harrowing to watch Sasha be tossed and run over by bigger dogs but she had a blast. So did the Angels. She was so tired that I had to carry her home.

With much guilt I drove to the wedding of my cousin and his new husband. Jane officiated. Here is a photo of her. It was a lovely venue, the ceremony was moving. I'm glad that I went. However, I rushed home so that little Sasha wouldn't be alone for too long. I expected to hear her howling from the bottom of the street but I'm not sure she even noticed that I was gone. She was peacefully snoozing in her crate and wagging her tail as I woke her up. I love this new phase of life.

Blur

I took this photo a few days ago. It is one of my favorites of Sasha. It captures her blur of activity -- that is, when she is not totally conked out. I am completely crazy about this puppy. I was gallery sitting this afternoon and she was there, of course. I found a thumb tack in her mouth at one point. Everything goes in her mouth. I have to watch her carefully. She also loves to eat acorns, rocks, cigarette butts and all kinds of paper and plastic. She is a hazard to herself.

She is a rock star walking down the street. Total strangers stop us to ask about her. Almost everyone smiles when they see her. She is so much fun. Oh yea, there was last night. She woke up at 3am to pee and I took her outside. She doesn't like to get back in her crate, so I slept on the couch for a few hours to keep her company. I am getting a little tired -- her schedule is up at 6am like clockwork.

Today I spent in the studio with Lynn and Lulu, working on our War and Peace project. We have finished 217 collages to date.

Mark is driving to New Jersey tonight. His brother, who usually takes care of their dad, is out of town and couldn't find coverage. So Mark is filling in. He is sandwiched between his son and his dad, worrying about both. His team from India was here this week and some of them will stay through next week, so he is very busy at work, too. I try my best to back him up. He has a lot going on.

Me? I'm just in puppy love. I'm staying in the city tomorrow. My sister needs a babysitter so I'll be with the Angels most of the day. In the late afternoon I'll be attending a gay wedding, my first. A second cousin is marrying his long-term boyfriend. One of my very cool aunts is performing the ceremony, Jane. She is also one of my spiritual teachers. I look forward to spending time with her. I may not see her otherwise during her trip to the East Coast.

Downward Facing Dog

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Mark took this photo this morning. Sasha gets very calm when I practice yoga. She spends my practice either on my mat or on the meditation cushion, conked out. When I sit for meditation, she likes to snuggle right next to me. I am enjoying her so, so much. Even though last night she woke us up at 3am, making some weird choking sound. I took her out to pee, then she didn't want to go to sleep again, and began to bark. It drove Mark nuts so he spent much of the night on the couch, next to her.

I am making lots of friends in the neighborhood. She is learning very fast, not to jump on strangers, how to walk on the leash. Even so, we have an appointment next week with a doggy obedience school.

Jen was here twice again today, and said that Sasha didn't bark at all. That's a huge relief. We live in close proximity to our neighbors in the city, and don't want to irritate them.

I rode my bike to work and couldn't wait to get home to see her. She is the best thing!

2 Year Anniversary

Here is a photo that my sister took of me and the Angels and Sasha last week on the Cape. I was trying to take more photos of her last night with Mark but the camera appears to be broken -- unable to use flash. So I will have to get a new one. You can't let a day pass without taking more photos of a puppy!

I was walking her this morning in the pouring rain -- 3 days so far of this weather -- and remembered that today is the 2 year anniversary of getting the breast cancer diagnosis. I'm not sure what to even say about it other than I'm grateful to be going strong with no evidence of any problem. I feel great. Strong. Full of life. Mark gave me a high 5 when I reminded him of the date this morning. I really do feel lucky.

Last week I heard that a colleague at work was having some back pain, went in to see her doctor. Within a few days she was in the hospital for exploratory surgery and had cancer throughout the pancreas and some other organs. She remains in an induced coma. That was shocking. We had all spoken with her within the last few weeks and she was totally fine. So let us all wake up and recognize the preciousness of today.

Sasha had another perfect night in her crate. She began to whimper about 5:30 so I took her out. We let her sleep on the bedroom floor til the alarm went off at 6am. She was quiet and patiently waited for us to get up.

She really likes it when I do yoga or meditation. She lies as close to me as she can get and she also gets really calm. As I finished savasana this morning, she was lying beside me, embraced with one arm. She is a pleasure and a treasure.

I'm not sure who enjoys her outside play time more -- she or me. We played with Lucy's gift, the kong, this morning. She loved it. It was very fun for me, too, even though it was pouring rain. Neither of us really waned to come inside! Now it's time to go to work -- it's hard to leave her. I hope she will learn to bark less. I'm told it takes a few days but they get the hang of it and trust that you return at the end of the day.

First Gift

Here she is last week on Cape Cod. She has grown since then! I was out with a friend of my sister's. That was the day I discovered how much attention you get when out in public with a puppy.

Lucy and I had lunch today, then stopped (and shopped) at a pet shop nearby. Even though I had a cat for 13 years, I never set foot in a pet shop. Now I'm ga-ga for puppy stuff. Lucy bought a gift for Sasha. I can't remember what it's called but it is a chew toy that you can fill with treats. I just gave it to her and she is wild with joy.

Today was day 2 with her at home and us at work. The puppy whisperer Jen left another set of notes. Unfortunately she was barking when Jen arrived (thank goodness the upstairs neighbors are on vacation this week). She didn't say if she was barking the second visit. When I got home (soaked to the bone from biking in a storm!) she was quiet and content. She didn't make a peep last night and seemed happy in her crate. She is a pro at "going potty" outside other than a big dump on the bedroom rug this morning. She was at the back door but I thought how could she need to go outside again? She had just had 2 big dumps. That made Mark very grumpy. Live and learn.

It's a dog's life.

Sasha's First Report Card

We are establishing our week-a-day routine as of this morning. I got up at the usual time, at 6am, and let her out right away. She peed and pooped. Then it was back inside to make coffee and feed her. I drank the first cup inside (it was raining heavily) and took the second one with us for a short walk. Mark took over and played with her inside while I did yoga. I may have to do meditation at night as there is just not enough time to get it all in with her in the picture. I like meditation at night in any case -- my mind is so much quieter.

Here is the note from her puppy sitter, Jen, who visited twice today.

AM. Sasha did great today! Barking when I got here and as I was pulling away in the car but no accidents and peed right away outside! Gobbled up her food and had some fun playtime.

PM. No barking when I got here. Peed right away outside. Came in and played a bit. Took her back out and she pooped right away! What an angel!! Do you think you could leave out a towel to wipe her down on wet days?

That's my girl!

Tonight Mark and I are attending a meeting at the gallery in East Boston and are taking her with us. I really missed her today and can't bear to be away from her. The other artists are happy to have her show up and are eager to meet her.

Next: the barking in the middle of the night. But at least she's got the peeing thing down!

@ Home in the City

We had to leave our house out West early as Sasha had an appointment at 11:30am this morning to meet with her new dog walker Jen. I decided to hire a service run by veterinarian nurses who will visit Sasha twice a day for the first few weeks. It is absurd to spend so many resources on a puppy -- but I can't help myself. This is the first day she has really spent in the city. I took her out for a walk around the neighborhood. Some families with young kids saw her from inside a toy store, and came out onto the street to pet her. They were total strangers. It is a funny experience. I am suddenly tuned in to other dogs now -- as well as the puppy aisle at the grocery store!

We spent the day with Chitra. She wanted to see the studio/gallery, so we spent part of the day in East Boston. We took her to a wonderful funky cafe in the middle of the Boston Harbor Shipyard that Team Tolstoy frequents. As well as a tour of the studio and gallery upstairs. The photo is of Chitra in the studio.

Tomorrow "real life" will begin again. I'll be working as usual through Thursday. I think that everything will shift a bit now. I'll probably go out less as the puppy will need attention. I find that when I'm away from her, I miss her terribly. Mark is falling love with her, too.

S'mores

I drove from the Cape early this morning with Sasha. Mark dropped off Michael at the airport. He is on his way to rehab in Tuscon. Mark and I met in Boston, quickly introduced Sasha to her new city home, then drove out to get Chitra who arrived yesterday from Bangalore, India.

We had a lovely day out West. She spent time with us here last summer as well. The 4 of us went for a long walk in the woods, (Chitra, Mark, Sasha and I). She did better than she did a few days ago. I swear that she is gaining weight and growing in just 1 week. Chitra and I practiced yoga together in late afternoon. We also made a trip to the little country town next door which has a wonderful bakery and pottery store.

At the country store there was a display of graham crackers, Hersheys chocolate bars and marshmallows. Chitra has of course heard about s'mores but never had tried them. So that will be our treat tonight -- to roast marshmallows over the fire pit and introduce her to this "delicacy".

We head back early in the morning as Sasha's puppy sitter will be at our house at 11:30 for an introductory meeting. The neighborhood kids are also volunteering to walk her once she gets a little bigger.

Rawhide

This morning we discovered the magic of rawide bones. Luke was up early -- I and Sasha were up even earlier -- and he reminded me that I'd told him we'd go to the store and get her some toys. So he and I and Sasha drove to town and had fun in the dog aisle. I have never perused that section of a grocery store before. She is a real poop machine so I bought a large quantity of doggy doo bags. It's interesting to watch her habits. Her digestion is like clockwork. What goes in, goes out. Within about 2 minutes. She gobbles down her food and she needs to be outside immediately. We also bought a big bag of rawhide bones. This may ease her chewing on anything that she can find. We gave her one, and she spent the next 30 minutes blissed out with it. Rolling and playing with it. It's magic!

She hasn't had an accident since we've been here on the Cape. My sister's house is perfect because she has a huge fenced in back yard. And the kids romp with her all day. It has been a great bonding experience.

I called Mark last night and he asked me to guess where he was. I guessed right -- he was at the pet store. He bought her some training toy to retrieve objects from the water. There is a pond near our house out West. I envision we'll be there every weekend from now on. He is very excited for us to get back to Boston tomorrow so he can also share puppy love.

Tonight we'll go see a music concert in Sandwich. My sister is friends with a local band called Tripping Lily. They are a trio who sing to accompaniment of ukuleles. It has been a wonderful few days to be with the Angels, to slot into their daily life and to enjoy each other. The puppy has added an extra layer of goodness.

These images were taken by Luke, my 6 year old nephew. I think they are most interesting!

Most Popular Kid on the Block

I've always heard that everyone loves babies and puppies, and that total strangers will approach either one. It is true! I have never had so much attention in public. (OK, it's not me, it's Sasha...) It is an interesting phenomenon. I went with a friend of my sister's, Mia, to an old-fashioned ice cream/penny candy store and was mobbed by people of all ages with many questions about Sasha and requests to pet her. It was actually a little overwhelming!

Mark is getting very enthusiastic about her and does not want to dog share! So I have found a service which will visit the house twice a day for walking/feeding/etc. I still feel bad that she will be confined for chunks of time but that's how it will have to be for a while. Lucy says I should cut down on work even more. Excellent idea! Mark works from home one day a week so she will have the puppy sitter 3 times a week.

We have decided to send Michael to a 30-day private rehab facility. The situation has become completely unmanageable. We can't handle him and hold jobs. He will fly out on Saturday morning. I have pretty limited expectations that this will "cure" what ails him but at least Mark can feel that he did everything possible. This will cost a bundle. There are of course no guarantees. But that's where we are for the moment. Other than turning our backs completely and doing "tough love", this seems like the best option.

Bikram Yoga

I don't like to travel without Mark for many reasons, but one big one is that I can never figure out how to access all the gadgets! I have a whole bag of electronic stuff yet can't figure out how to use my sister's wifi with my own computer, much less download photos onto her computer. So I'll have to add images another time.

It is lovely being here. I needed some distance from what is happening with Michael. Mark was there overnight with him and is forging ahead with next steps. He is driving back to Boston tonight.

The day started very early -- Sasha woke me up before 6am. What a joy to wake up to such a lovely creature. Shayna (8) and Luke (6) went with me for an early walk with the puppy. We walked about an hour to a marshy area and I encouraged the puppy to get in the water, but she wasn't interested. The kids went to swimming lessons, and my sister and I went and took a Bikram yoga class. The room is always heated to 105 F. I haven't taken a yoga class in a long time and had never taken a Bikram class before. We both liked it but didn't love it. I don't like high heat and humidity. We sweated like pigs. When we were finished it felt good, though, to have sweated so much. So I'm not sure if I'd return again. But it was fun to do something totally different together.

I visited my aunt for a few hours. A friend of hers had arranged a private boat tour with an Audobon Society naturalist. We went out into the harbour and looked at all kinds of birds and seals. It was a nice couple of hours.

The kids are wild about the puppy. Michael told Mark yesterday that he was relieved that I took the dog with me yesterday, that he feels he can't manage her. That really alleviated a lot of guilt -- it felt terrible to leave with her yesterday, knowing how much he likes her. Now we're scrambling, trying to figure out what to do with her while we're at work. Leaving her in a crate for 8 hours a day seems like a terrible choice. My sister suggested that we "dog share". Maybe during the school year, Sasha will live with my sister and the Angels during the week and with us on the weekends. I wish that Michael was able to care for her as we'd originally planned, but here we are.

Traveling With Sasha

Michael is fine; that is, he was discharged home today. I can't manage all the drama going on. It is too much to live like this, crisis to crisis.

Mark suggested that I go to the Cape as I'd planned, and to take the puppy with me. Which is what I did. Michael is really struggling and is overwhelmed by managing the dog. So I'll take over as primary caretaker for a while. The problem is that each day I spend with her, the more attached I get. This is complicated - whose dog is she? The intention was for her to be his companion but we're not comfortable that he can take care of her. Tricky territory. It was a long drive but Sasha did fine. I stopped several times to give her water and a bio break. She did great. The Angels are thrilled with her. We spent several hours playing with her. She is exhausted! I bought her a collapsable crate so she is all set for the night.

I'll be on the Cape for the rest of the week. I'll go back to Boston as late as Saturday morning to pick up Chitra who is flying in from India to work with Mark next week. I keep wondering when "normal" life returns. I am managing to live in the chaos but it is no my preference. But then again, who said that we get to choose?

Today's image is another of Claude Garbarino's. Isn't she fab?

Bad Turn of Events

How naive I was to think that getting the puppy would help to turn things around for Michael. Mark called while I was at Jeff and Karma's having dinner to say that Michael needed to go to the hospital again. I drove home, picked him up and drove him back to town. He is being evaluated now. Clearly we are not able to provide whatever it is that he needs. I had a terrible day with him. I won't say much more -- out of courtesy to Mark.

The bright spot is this puppy. I took her for a along walk in the woods today. She tuckered out towards the end and I carried her part of the way home. But she was a most excellent companion. It was stormy with some thunder and downpours at times. She loved it, I loved it. She is now happily sleeping in her crate. Initially it seems rather cruel but all dog owners say that the dog really likes it after a few days. Last night she barked and whimpered when we first put her in but settled down after about 20 minutes. Tonight she didn't make a peep. I think she is too tired!

So Mark may be driving out tomorrow, leaving in the middle of the work week. I feel so badly for him. He really takes the brunt of all this. I see my "job" as trying to back him up as much as possible. We were talking tonight that when Michael lived with us 7 years ago, it nearly broke us up. This time we are wiser and realize that we need to preserve our relationship. It is essential.

We won't continue in this configuration, ie Michael living in our house out West while we work during the week. He needs much more than this, than what we can provide. The question is: what?? But we won't repeat what we've tried so far.

Can't wait to wake up and play with Sasha!

Today's image is by Claude Garbarino. She is such a talented photographer -- as well as personal chef.

I am in Love!

This little puppy is the best. Michael adores her. I couldn't wait for her to make her appearance this morning. She has been with us for 24 hours and already has changed the energy in the house. What a blessing she is. Michael took this picture of me with her.

The other picture is Lucy and Cory. I drove out to visit them this afternoon. The three of us met in 1984 when we worked at a software company in Cambridge together. It was one of those work sites where people really bonded and many of us are still loosely connected to varying degrees. We went for a long walk, up and down some wonderful dirt roads. At one point a huge tractor went by with bales of hay stacked high, and rather precariously at that.

Tomorrow Michael has 2 job interviews -- as we were out yesterday, I asked people we ran into if they knew of any jobs available. One potential is an apple orchard, looking for seasonal full-time help to pick apples. I will go with him as an encouragement and support. If he can now get himself working -- with the unconditional love of this puppy Sasha, I am hopeful that he can turn it around.

We got a puppy!

The idea of getting a puppy has been percolating for some years, and even more so the last few weeks. Various professionals have suggested that it would be helpful to Michael to get a puppy. I have been jones-ing for a labrador for a long time. So today was the day. Michael and I were here today, just the two of us, and we kept talking about a puppy. I remembered a breeder a few towns over. I had been in touch with them in fall 2008. The breeder, a beautiful, dynamic woman, remembered me. We must have spoken on the phone. She asked if I was the cancer survivor, then shared that she was diagnosed with liver cancer last June. She was told that she had 2 weeks-2 months to live. She had surgery, did chemo. You would never know. She is so cool. We liked each other immediately.

And Michael liked Sasha immediately. On the drive over he was thinking about names -- when he saw her, the name Sasha seemed right. So that's her name.

She was meant to be. The breeder said that Sasha was picked by the sire's owner, but when she got her home, the husband was adamantly against it. So Sasha got returned to the breeder. Apparently these pups sell before the bitch is even expecting. So it was quite unusual to call up and have a 10.5 week old registered female chocolate lab available.

Michael is thrilled, I am thrilled, and Mark is scratching his head and wondering how this happened. They are all outside as I write, enjoying the coolness of the evening and the warmth of the fire pit.

This feels right. We actually had a good time together today, just the two of us. We went to the farmers' market, he helped me in the garden for a few hours. We put in some of the fall crop. A most excellent day.

Studio With Emma

Here is another photo of Claude's. It is a beautiful photograph and I love what she's done to enhance the colors.

It is rather strange to drink coffee together with your husband's ex-wife in the morning -- after having spent the night in the same place -- but everything about her visit was fine. We actually have quite a few common interests such as gardening. She likes my artwork and commented on the floorcloths, so I gave her one as a gift. She wants to learn how to make them, and was inspired by her visit out West to start some other creative projects. I dropped her off at the airport early, and went directly to the studio.

Today it was just Emma and me. We are at another milestone -- we have finished 200 collages! That is exciting.

I am on vacation next week but not sure where I will spend it. That is unsettling. I don't really like that much flexibility. I remember my dad used to say, "don't expect me until you see the whites of my eyes". My sister and aunt want to know when I'm likely to show up on the Cape, and that's my response. I also want to spend some time with Lucy and our mutual friend Cory who is visiting from Austin, Texas for the weekend.

Such is my life these days.

It Takes a Village

Here is a photo from my friend Claude in San Francisco. She has been taking photos for as long as I've know her -- and that's decades by now. She is a personal chef in San Francisco. Mark, Kelsey and I spent lots of time with her and Paula last month. She made us dinner the night before the Avon Walk -- a memorable meal! She also takes all the photos on her web site. You can see her personal chef site here:

Chef Garbo

Cindy, Mark's ex-wife and Michael's mother, is staying with us tonight. She had a good week with Michael out West. We're joking that we are either crazy or quite evolved -- but we all get along fine and have come together before around Michael. She flies out tomorrow morning. I will drive her to the airport on the way to the studio. Life is so funny.

Is there a pattern here?

Since the phone call with The Vixen yesterday evening, I've been thinking about how communication can go so wrong. It kind of ties into the material that Narayan has been presenting since the winter meditation course. The Vixen is an excellent communicator -- not too rosy, not too pessimistic. I've always admired that about her. A straight-shooter. How could I have misunderstood so completely? Fortunately we have a good relationship and I felt comfortable calling to ask for clarification, and she called right back.

There seems to be a pattern to my anxiety peaks -- Lucy and I have noticed that it happens a few weeks before the scans. I seemingly get worked up about something else, but then the anxiety largely resolves after the scan. This time, the crisis with Mark's son was (and is) real. But it's an interesting pattern to note and to watch for next time -- 6 months from now.

Today was a very ordinary clinic day. I biked which always improves the quality of the day for me. A friend is turning 66 so I mailed her some groovy place mats that Lucy and I found at a store this week. Tonight I'm meeting Kande and Allison for dinner. They both have little kids so it's a huge effort to make this happen. We haven't see each other in some months so am looking forward to it.

For the first time, I will attempt a fall garden. Today I ordered seeds from Johnny's Seeds in Maine. Beets, spinach, lettuce, radishes, other things as well. The catalog says that you can plant through this month in our zone. So I'm pretty psyched to see if the garden will produce this late into the season.
Next week I'm on vacation but haven't decided where I'll be exactly. Michael's mom flies back to Florida on Friday morning. So it kind of depends where he's at and what he might need.

Clarification from the Vixen

So somehow both Lucy and I totally misinterpreted what The Vixen said yesterday. I called her this morning and she returned my call in the late afternoon. She did NOT say that she she has yet to have a patient with my diagnosis live more than 5 years. What she did say is that she has yet to have a patient go 5 years on my current regimen of hormone suppression drugs. That within 5 years every patient with my profile has had a recurrence and that she needed to change the drug therapy. She said that I am responding to the current treatment really well and that I could be the exception to the rule, i.e. that I could stay on this medication combination for a long, long time with no further recurrence of cancer.

It's strange how you can hear something so differently than it is said! So that's a huge relief.

That said, maybe I do want to work only 3 days per week! and I definitely want to spend as much time with Narayan as possible. Do you think she'd let me tag along when she takes her annual winter retreat to Myanmar?

All Clear

The Vixen says that all is well. My scans were all clean. What a relief!

Lucy showed up at 7:15am and we walked to the hospital. The first stop was to the radiation department for the radioactive injection for the bone scan. It is a strange way to spend the day. Each and every time I go, I get confused about which floor I should be on and when. Lucy tries her best to keep it straight but we find ourselves wandering around sometimes wondering why we have both appeared to have lost our minds. During a big break we took the train to Newbury Street, a beautiful shopping and restaurant area. We had lunch. One of the unusual beverage choices was a peanut butter banana smoothie which we tried. It was kind of yucky but interesting nonetheless.

Lucy is an amazing friend anyway, and especially good in these hospital situations as she is such good company, fun and "there" for me. I can only hope that anyone going through something difficult can have "their" Lucy with them. It is a blessing to have such wonderful friends.

I am relieved, yes, yet a little sobered by what The Vixen said today. On the positive side, she said that already I am beating the odds. That I am doing much better than most of her patients do. (It's not a competition -- I don't mean it that way.) She pointed out that it was a good decision not to do chemo therapy as the cancer is totally under control without it. However, what she did say that is hard to contemplate is that she has yet to have a patient with my profile live more than 5 years. She has been a breast oncologist for decades so that is disquieting. As we walked home, Lucy and I talked about changes that either of might make in our lives if we only have a few years to live.

I will talk to Mark about this more, of course, but maybe I'll make a few more minor adjustments. Maybe I'll drop to working 3 days per week. I'd like to spend more time with Narayan. My main interest is spiritual in nature -- how to find as much peace and wisdom as possible in this lifetime.

So I'm feeling lucky as well as contemplative.

Big Medical Day tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big medical day. I'll have all the scans done and will see The Vixen for the first time in many months. The last big appointment was 6 months ago. Lucy will be at my house at 7:15am and we'll walk over to the hospital for the first step which is some kind of preparation for either the bone or organ scan. It takes most of the day, finishing around 3pm. It's hard to say how I feel about it. I'd like to tell myself that I'm prepared for any kind of result, but really, it's a pretty scary moment to wait for the doctor to walk in the room with the results. Last time she threw the door open very dramatically, waving her arms around and shouting out, "all clear". My body actually feels pretty good other than my right ankle/shin which is always a little swollen and often uncomfortable. So fingers crossed, tomorrow's results will also be "all clear".

I just got back from the Cape where I spent about 24 hours with my extended family. I attended Narayan's workshop yesterday from 10 til 5p, then drove to the Cape for a few hours. I loved being with Narayan and enjoyed the presentation. I have been practicing walking meditation these last few days as she recommended on Tuesday and have found it helpful. Today I did my meditation in my aunt's garden, a combination of sitting and walking. It was lovely.

This morning I went kayaking early with my aunt which was beautiful. She doesn't have anyone to go with so she loves it when I turn up because it's one of the many things that we like doing together. I had the chance to connect with many family members, taking a long walk with one. I stayed later than I should have in order to have dinner on the beach. My uncle bought a brand new boat as well as the old one, so there as plenty of room for all 16 of us. My cousin and I had some quality time and she was surprisingly open about some challenges that she's facing.

It was a very satisfying visit and I'm glad that I made the effort to go.

Mark spent the weekend out West with Michael. He seems to be settling down and Mark was happy with Michael's responses. There is a glimmer of hope. I applaud Mark's efforts to help him get back on track. Michael's mother flies in tomorrow from Florida and will spend the week with him out West. I hope it's helpful to both of them.

Urban Crawl

Lynn took this photo of me yesterday in East Boston. We spent the day together working on the War and Peace project, then went to our favorite cafe called Scups, in the middle of the Boston Harbor Shipyard and Marina. We usually spend every possible minute in the studio, but yesterday was such a beautiful day that we decided to explore the neighborhood a bit more. This particular alley struck our fancy. It reminded me of the Mission district somewhat in San Francisco. All it lacked was some groovy murals!

The feeling of calm and ease remains. I do miss being out West with Mark and time in the gardens, but enough is enough. I made the right decision not to go out this weekend. Mark drove out last night after work. I stayed in town.

Yesterday I spent some time with another friend, Vanessa, then went to the movies last night and saw "Get Low" which I liked a lot. Bill Murray, Sissy Spacek, Robert Duvall. I will go to Narayan's meditation workshop today from 10-5, then will drive the the Cape to spend time with my aunt and the house of cousins. There are 16 of them there now, 17 with me. I'll spend the night on an air mattress on the sunporch, but that's fine.

This set of cousins, from Chicago, visit the Cape every August. While we are very different, I still like hanging out with them. Jennifer, my cousin, has 8 kids. It is amazing, how organized and responsible they are. Meals are an assembly line. They all load up on Sunday morning to go to church. It's funny for me, because we have such different lifestyles. But her kids appear to be happy and doing well in life. It works. It's all good.

Back to my Regular Self

I am back to my regular self. What a rough couple of weeks. That said, Michael's situation is slightly better but much the same. There is still much discussion about what he needs in the short term and the longer term. He has had no major crisis in almost a week -- that is good!

It is Friday which means Team Tolstoy in the studio. Today I will meet up with Lynn. I am mailing in the formal application to have a show at the gallery in East Boston. I have requested December. We decided last week that we are ready to go "public" and show what we will have had done as of December. I estimate that we will have around 400 completed by then.

It has been impossible to make many firm plans lately. I am a planner by nature so it is disconcerting to not know from day to day, much less week to week, what I will be doing. Narayan is teaching a workshop tomorrow and I may go, but on the other hand I don't like to be indoors on a beautiful summer day. My cousin from Chicago is on the Cape with her 8 kids and I may go see them. Mark is driving to our house out West after work. I may go, too, but am not too thrilled with spending the weekend with Michael. We've always had an uneasy relationship. And now is quite delicate so I don't want to upset either of us. So Ms. Planner is winging it. Probably for a while.

Image from The Mission district of San Francisco, murals. taken 7/7/10

Mark is Home

I feel a distinct sense of relief now that Mark is home. He got home late last night. I feel steadier. This is good!

Tonight we will be attending an artist reception in East Boston where we are both members of Atlantic Works Gallery. It is fun to share this new mutual interest.

This teaching was in today's email from tricycle.com
This is what Narayan teaches. From now on I may refer to her as my love teacher rather than meditation teacher!

"Our society provides no curriculum or schooling on how to notice love or to recognize the many people who have transmitted its life-giving power. Most of us haven’t been taught that to receive love deeply and transmit it wholeheartedly is a real human possibility, that it can be learned, and that to do so is the key to our deepest well-being, our spiritual life, and our capacity to bring more goodness into this world.

So as adults, we need to become newly aware of the love that has infused our lives all along, to turn our attention to it afresh with the eyes of a child. To do so is to become conscious of the tremendous capacity for love that even now permeates our being—to open to it, to be healed by its life-giving energy, and to participate in its power to renew our world. We can awaken to the deepest goodness in ourselves and others. We can learn to recognize and commune with the blessings that have always been pouring forth.

- John Makransky, "Love is All Around" (Fall 2007)

Photo taken at Green Gulch Zen Monastery Farm in San Francisco. Gotta love the Buddha in the greenhouse!

Guardedly Optimistic

Wow, a relatively calm day. I am settling down internally. Maybe being with Narayan helped with that shift? I am certainly reassured by how Mark is handling all of this. I am seeing a side of him that's not been so apparent before. He is taking this on, going step-by-step, and creatively solving whatever comes up. I am very impressed with him. He is driving home tonight; Michael will stay by himself for the next few days.

The other thing is that Michael's mother has decided to spend next week with him at our house out West while Mark and I work. Initially I was taken aback with the idea of Mark's ex-wife in my house -- but it actually makes a lot of sense. Michael could use the support, it would be good for her to get a sense of how he is functioning at this point, and Mark can use a break. She and I have always gotten along fine. She and Mark have been on good terms for years. It's just a little weird to have her in my private space. My only caveat is that our bedroom remain ours! Mark is rallying all forces to make this work and to help Michael. If any good is to come of this, we all need to work together.

Lots of people are praying hard for a good outcome. He may be turning a corner for the good. I am guardedly optimistic.

Drop-in With Narayan

Struggle, struggle, struggle with my mind. Every once in a while I have an anxious period and am clearly in the midst of one now. So be it. As an antidote, I checked to see if Narayan was teaching the beginners drop-in group. And she was! So I happily pedaled over after work. I was able to catch her on the way in and we spoke a few minutes after class as well.

She is such a blessing. Such a dear one.

I explained really simply what is going on with Michael, and she said that she thought about it after our interview 2 weeks ago and suspected that it was more than it initially appeared. Oh wise one. She could see that I am a wreck and suggested that for now, it's all about calming practice. She suggested that I focus more on the body, more on feeling grounded. As class started, I sat and she began to speak. Tears poured out. It felt like a good release. She was talking about the fruits of practice -- to be able to have a sense of spaciousness in our practice, in our lives. We get caught up in the drama of the moment and believe that the drama is all there is. She said, yes, of course whatever circumstance are occurring can cause suffering, but to remember that the drama is not ALL there is. To create spaciousness around the experience of the moment. That helped a lot. I particularly enjoyed the walking practice tonight.

After class we talked a bit more. She said that now is a good time to do walking meditation rather than sitting, to re-balance all the wild energies that are running amok in my mind and body. I felt an enormous shift after being with her for just 1 hour. My friend Lulu had invited me for dinner and it was hard to turn down, but being with Narayan felt like just the right thing for tonight.

Mark is coming home tomorrow night -- at last. He will leave Michael on his own for a few days with neighbors checking in on him.

The photo is from Green Gulch Zen Monastery. Tasha brought Mark, Kelsey and I out there on our San Francisco trip. What a beautiful spot.

This, too, will pass. Metta.

The Kids are All Right

I went to see a wonderful film tonight, "The Kids are All Right". I really liked it. One of my favorite actresses is Julianne Moore. I could watch her onscreen for hours. I went with Marcia, my psychiatrist friend. She loves film, too.

Mark continues to struggle with Michael. They spent the day together at our house out West. I continue to feel extremely anxious on and off. I really don't know what's going on as of this evening. It must be awful as Mark is being terse and not giving any details. He tries to shield me when it gets really ugly. It really tears me up to see Mark go through this stress. I feel for Michael, too. I have a bad feeling about this.

The film title couldn't be more ironic.

I was going to say, so far so good

Driving home tonight, I thought I'd title today's blog entry "so far, so good". That was before I got Mark's phone call. Michael was discharged this morning. We were both nervous about how today would go as last time he was re-admitted within 12 hours. It seemed to go OK, but on my drive home (Mark is staying out West for a few days to set things up for Michael) he called to say that Michael was having a hard time. A melt-down which was very stressful for Mark to manage. So we're not sure where this is going. Mark and I are completely on the same page -- at least that part is clear.

In contrast, yesterday was a completely fun day. My stress totally melted away. I was with Lucy, so it goes without saying... Mark dropped me off at her farm on his way to the hospital. Her grandkids are visiting. I've had lots of fun with them in the past. Last summer we went to Six Flags and last winter we did a big art project. So I was really looking forward to spending time with them again. They now call me "aunty".

Lucy took us (me and the kids) to a wonderful, funky country store which sells used stuff. I found old stamps as well as books in Latin, Greek, French/Spanish and tiny musical notation. Great ephemera for collage. We all found things that we loved. We collaged, picked blueberries, went for a long walk. Mark joined us later for dinner. It was rather cool so we built a fire outside. A wonderful, relaxing day.

This will be a regular week for me, working Monday through Thursday. Unless things change. Which I suspect will happen...

The gardens are producing like crazy. Tonight I came home with huge bags of green beans, beets, cucumbers, zucchini, greens of every kind. Now I have to find friends to share it with.

This image is from Green Gulch Farm-Zen Center.