Monday, November 24, 2014

I am off treatment! And closing down this blog

After 6 years and 3 months, I can say that I have "beaten" metastatic breast cancer. Although I don't like that vocabulary -- such as "cancer assassin", "battle" or "fight". In any case, I had CT and bone scans as well as blood work and physical exam -- and remain free of any sign of cancer. I met with The Vixen and true to her word, she has agreed to let me go off all treatment! The only remaining treatment was the quarterly injection of Lupron which is a chemo drug that lowers estrogen levels. Since I'm now 53, most likely I would have transitioned fully into menopause at age 51. So the risk is fairly low that my hormones will activate again. She said that if the hot flashes continue, it's a good thing! So for the first time in 6+ years I love that feeling! Bring 'em on!

The plan is that I'll see her again in 3 months for blood work and physical exam. Then again in 6 months for more scans. If there is trouble ahead, she will figure out what to do at that point. She says that since my case is so highly unusual, there is not a lot of precedent for what to do. She often uses the term "the tail of the curve". There was another oncologist in the room with her -- there often is a student or another post-doc or whatever -- and they talked between themselves in front of me about what to do. The Vixen was saying that I might be anxious if xyz... but then realized that it was her anxiety, not mine. I am sure that I am well and that for whatever reason(s), I am healed.

Healed. Cured. That led to another discussion that is confusing. I was under the impression that 5+ years cancer-free is a good predictor of low chance of recurrence. The more time that passes, the less likely a recurrence. She said, no, not in my case. That is true for "normal" cancer, not metastatic. In fact, the more time that passes, the more likely my disease will "progress". I don't know what that means, how to interpret that. Of course, neither does she, really. I think she does not want me to be shocked if something turns up again. She said I need to be psychologically prepared for bone breakage as that's the most likely thing to happen. Or cancer could present in another organ -- lung or liver would be the other likely place.

So... I said that I am going to live as if I am truly cured -- and I am certainly healed. Cured = no disease. Healed = living fully and happily.

I am prepared for come what may. But will deal with it as need be.
In the meantime!!!

To celebrate, I bought a bottle of good champagne and toasted with vintage parfait glasses. I quit drinking in 2000 so don't even have wine glasses anymore, much less champagne flutes. But it was an amazing day and the end of this part of my life.

Over the years I have been encouraged by friends and blog readers to write a book about this experience. Maybe I will. I don't know. But for now I am going to close this blog along with this chapter of my life. I have never re-read any of these entries. I have kept a diary since age 10 and I never, never go back to review them. But now I will -- I have started to re-read my oldest diaries and will eventually make my way forward in time to review this blog. Depending on what I find -- perhaps I will be inspired to take on a writing project. Or not. Maybe this will stand alone as a witness to my own personal journey that is singular -- or is it?

Monday, August 4, 2014

All Clear!

I saw The Vixen this morning for a 3-month follow-up.
The last time I saw her, I got scanned. That was all good. She had started me on 3 months of blood thinners due to a blood clot that was discovered May 6. That was kind of a bummer, injecting myself every 12 hours for 3 months. But since all is well, I am off that now, too.

I am always pressing for less treatment, she kind of holds the line. After some discussion, what we agreed to is that I got Lupron injection again today. I'll get scanned in 3 months. If all is well at that point, I'll go off Lupron (OFF ALL CANCER TREATMENT!) but she will ask for blood tests every month to watch the hormone levels. The average age of menopause is 51 and since I'm 53, I should be there now anyway. If my hormones stay low for a few months, then I won't get monthly blood draws, either.

But she will insist on 6 month scans for a while. That's OK. I feel awesome so I think I'm home free...

This year I did not ride the Pan Mass Challenge (it seemed a bit much to continue to ask friends for donations after 5 years of cancer fundraisers) but got 3 donations anyway. I felt kind of bad about that! but the money still goes to the Dana Farber even if I do not have an active account. I am training for another century ride on 9/20 but it's not a fundraiser. Just 100+ grueling miles from Florence, MA up into Vermont. I've been training since March with Gayle and Bernd on those hills so hopefully I'll be able to finish the ride.

All good!
Blessings!

Monday, July 21, 2014

16 More Days

I just picked up the last boxes of Lovenox (blood thinner medication). At this point after 2.5 months of twice-daily injections, my belly is bruised and some spots are even lumpy. Yuk! But it's the homestretch now... almost done. 16 more days. So far I have avoided cuts (the docs said to be careful shaving much less a serious cut) and bad bruising although my legs look terrible -- from a lot of "contact" with bike pedals and such --

Once the medication wears off, I want to try clip pedals on the road bike. The first time (several years ago) I tried them I could not get the hang of it so gave up. But now that I'm doing very high mileage (70 on Friday) and am training for a century ride on BIG HILLS, using clips would really help.

That will be the next challenge!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Radical Remission

My friend Roxanne Nelson is a cancer writer for Medscape, and she recently interviewed me for a piece she wrote which was published online July 7. She told me about a book by Dr. Kelly Turner called "Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Beyond All Odds" and reviews the book in this article. I am currently reading the book and I highly recommend it.

Here is the intro to Roxanne's article:


"According to statistics, Lola Baltzell should have died 3 years ago. Instead, she celebrated the fifth anniversary of her diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer by biking 110 miles to raise money for the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in the Pan-Mass Challenge.
Not only is Baltzell still alive after 6 years when median survival is 3 years, her scans have been clear of cancer for more than 5 and a half years.
"You will never be in remission, you are a chronic patient, you will never be cured — that's what the doctors keep telling me," she said. "But every scan done after November 2008 has been negative."
Baltzell, a 53-year-old social worker and artist who lives in the Boston area, is constantly on the move. She bikes to work year round, no matter what the weather, curates art shows, has showings of her own work, and is an avid practitioner of yoga and meditation. She sees herself as strong and healthy, and is hopeful that she will continue to defy the statistics.
Baltzell's experience is not unique. Although it is neither typical nor common, it is not all that rare. There are thousands of cancer patients just like her, who have extended their survival way beyond the upper limits of the median or who are seemingly cured after a terminal prognosis.
These individuals, sometimes called exceptional patients, have begun to attract the attention of researchers who are interested in what, if anything, they are doing to heal themselves of incurable diseases or to improve their chances of being cured."
=================================================================================
I continue to do well. In May I got a blood clot which was attributed to too much Tamoxifen. In retrospect, I wish I had listened to myself and gone off it months ago. Lesson learned! I continue to take Lovenox twice a day for the blood clot and will finish in a few weeks. It is not particularly painful -- tiny pre-filled needles that I inject into my belly fat -- but mostly annoying. The only thing that really worries me about it is if I get a bad cut or bruise -- the risk of severe bleeding is real and kind of scary. I did crash my bike a few weeks ago -- I never crashed before! -- but nothing really bad happened other than huge bruises and some scrapes that took weeks to heal. My body is all banged up, including the band around my belly where I inject. A pharmacist friend told me it's actually wise to carry the script with me in case I get pulled over by the police -- they could question why I have syringes! That's funny, right? 
Although I was told to be careful about falling off the bike, I am training this summer for another century ride on September 20 out of Northampton, MA. It is described as a challenging century ride with lots of hills up into Vermont. My average long ride is now 60+ miles (once a week) so if I continue to train on hills and take one more super long training ride (80 miles) I should be able to do the ride.
I'll see The Vixen August 4. I am hoping that she takes me off my one remaining cancer drug, the Lupron shot which I get every 3 months. On August 25 I'll celebrate 6 years of surviving metastatic breast cancer. Wow!

Monday, May 19, 2014

All Clear!

I got the call this morning-- scans were all clear!
So in effect I am off treatment. How often does that happen?
You just walk away from metastatic cancer? Minus a breast...
but I have beaten the beast!
I'll continue to get the quarterly injection of Lupron but that will fall away in the next months, too.
Really -- I am astounded. Grateful. Blown away.

This line from Mary Oliver comes to mind:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Too Much Tamoxifen!

I went in to see The Vixen last Monday to follow up on a blood clot that developed behind my left knee.

The week before I was in the ER as I'd had calf pain for a week and 36 hours of a swollen ankle. The ultrasound showed a blood clot! Which is really dangerous. I called The Vixen from the gurney and she said to stop the Tamoxifen immediately. In the ER they gave me an injection in the belly, an anti-coagulant. I thought -- that's weird, and gross! The next day I went to see my primary care doctor and when she told me that the treatment to avoid another clot was to take Lovenox. You inject yourself in the belly twice a day, for 3 months. And the timing has to be very specific, every 12 hours. When I met with the nurse and I saw the kit (including a tiny red box where you put the spent needles), I burst into tears. I thought -- I can manage this, but what does it mean for the cancer treatment? Is this the corner I do not want to turn?

The Vixen is pretty confident that the blood clot was caused by prolonged use of Tamoxifen. But I got scanned on Friday just to make sure that the cancer is not acting up. Neither of my providers works on Fridays so I'm waiting for the phone call now. They will call today. I am also pretty confident that if there had been a problem on the scans, that I would have been contacted already.

If all is clear, I am basically off cancer treatment! Maybe she'll continue the quarterly injection of Lupron for a while longer, but I'm 53 next week and would likely be in natural menopause by now.

It's funny -- over the last few months I have been sensing and saying that I want to get off Tamoxifen. So intuitively I knew that it was time to quit. I wish I had followed that sense -- and avoided the blood clot and now this crazy treatment.

Fingers crossed!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Curing and Healing

James Carroll wrote an article in the December 23&30 edition of The New Yorker entitled, "Who Am I To Judge" which is a profile on Pope Francis. The final sentence is amazing:

"... curing and healing are not the same thing. To cure is to remove disease. To heal is to make whole, and wholeness can belong as much to the infirm as to the healthy."

Isn't that true? and beautiful? and full of potential for all of us?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

More Press!


  • This was from the Brookline TAB, posted on 2/19/14. Lots of press for this show!

  • Brookline's Lola Baltzell co-curates War and Peace Project

  • The War and Peace Project, a collaborative fusion of literature and art, will exhibit at Hampden Gallery Fine Arts Center at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst from Feb. 23-March 13. Opening reception on Feb. 23, 2-4 p.m., includes a gallery talk by project founder and lead artist Lola Baltzell of Brookline.
  • The War and Peace Project, a collaborative fusion of literature and art, will exhibit at Hampden Gallery Fine Arts Center at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst from Feb. 23-March 13. Opening reception on Feb. 23, 2-4 p.m., includes a gallery talk by project founder and lead artist Lola Baltzell of Brookline. The project consists of 747 individual collages that combine to form a unique work based on Leo Tolstoy’s classic novel, “War and Peace.” The show will be co-curated by Baltzell and Trish Crapo.
  • Baltzell came up with the idea of making a collage out of each page of a 1970s Soviet edition of Leo Tolstoy’s classic “War and Peace.” She was a Russian major in college, and also has Russian heritage. Along with the source material, other media was culled from hand-me-down books, maps, pamphlets and letters. The collages are a mash-up of personal fragments and random bits of printed detritus.
    Over time, Baltzell pulled together a team of artists, who dubbed themselves Team Tolstoy. Five of the core worked together every Friday in their East Boston studio and she mailed pages back and forth to other team members who lived in Atlanta, western Massachusetts and Berlin. In addition, there were numerous guest artists who were friends of the group, or who asked to be included. Collectively they worked together for more than two years to complete the project.
    The project has been shown in Boston, New York and Russia, but this will be the first time the project will be shown in its entirety in the United States.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Над ним не было ничего уже, кроме неба -- UMASS Gallery Talk Notes


Над ним не было ничего уже, кроме неба

There was nothing over him now except the sky—the lofty sky, not clear, but still immeasurably lofty, with gray clouds slowly creeping across it. "How quiet, calm, and solemn, not at all like when I was running," thought Prince Andrei, "not like when we were running, shouting, and fighting; not at all like when the Frenchman and the artillerist, with angry and frightened faces, were pulling at the swab—it's quite different the way the clouds creep across this lofty, infinite sky. How is it I haven't seen this lofty sky before? And how happy I am that I've finally come to know it. Yes! everything is empty, everything is a deception, except this infinite sky. There is nothing, nothing except that. But there is not even that, there is nothing except silence, tranquility. And thank God! …"

"The lofty sky" over the battlefield where Prince Andrei lies dying opens his mind to opportunities for a meaningful life, connection with God and spirituality.

Volkonsky’s whole philosophy on life is changed within seconds. He no longer seeks approval and glory on the battlefield. A new realization about life and happiness, which he never seemed to have experienced before, brings him peace. Prince Andrei is not the same vain man looking for glory and fame. He rejects the ideals and idols he cherished for so long.

A few pages later, Prince Andrei sees Napoleon, as he lies on the battlefield, mortally wounded and almost dead. Andrei has an overwhelming desire to live out this newly discovered meaning of life

“There above him was the lofty, far distant, unending sky. He knew—it was Napoleon—his hero—but at that moment Napoleon seemed to him such a tiny inconsequential creature compared with everything that was now transpiring between his spirit and that lofty sky-blue infinity with its busy clouds. ...he had only desire for these people to help him and bring him back to life, because life was good and he saw it all differently now."

An enormous desire to live and experience everything that was closed to him before enchants Bolkonsky. He is not ready to die; his young soul has just started a search that will characterize him for the rest of the book. Prince Andrei is far from a complete comprehension of the meaning of life. However, the importance of this newly acquired understanding of life set in motion by Bolkonsky’s near death experience under the Austerlitz sky will provide him strength to continue his spiritual journey.

The War and Peace Project Opens Today at UMASS


Defying the odds

Origins of multi-artist collage exhibit opening at UMass include facing death, tearing up a great work of literature & two trips to Russia

Story by David Rainville
The Recorder
Wednesday, February 19, 2014 

When Leyden artist Lola Baltzell was given 30 months to live in 2009, she knew what she had to do. She started a project that would take at least three years to complete.

Baltzell decided to cover every page of Leo Tolstoy’s 1869 magnum opus “War and Peace” in collage. She’s read the novel a handful of times, though she admitted that she can’t get all the way through the Russian version, its complex language surpassing her studies.

One of the longest novels in the Russian language, Baltzell’s copy weighed in at a hefty 1,494 pages, including the epilogue.

Despite her grim health prognosis, Baltzell lived to see her project’s completion. Though her disease is not in remission, Baltzell is doing much better, and the cancer hasn’t “set up camp,” as she likes to say.

“Doctors would say I have a chronic illness. I say I’m doing OK.”

Though she’d had the novel since a trip to Russia during her college days, she would have to destroy her beloved book to create her project.

She ripped the first of 747 double-sided pages from its binding, gathered her scissors, glue and a stack of materials, ranging from road maps, sheet music and magazines to coffee cups, cellophane and bottle caps. Then, she set to work.

Once the first collage was finished, she tore out page two and began again. The project would be a long time in the making and eventually involve a lot of people.

The result is a collection of 747 collages by several artists, each with its own feel. Some pages were used as canvas with the collage built on top, other pages were torn to shreds and used as collage material themselves.

Some of the pieces relate to the Russian words underneath through images, color or added text, while others are more abstract, purely products of the artist’s mind.

All measure 5 by 7 inches and include at least one word of the original text. Each will be displayed alongside its English translation when the full exhibit makes its U.S. debut Sunday in the University of Massachusetts-Amherst’s Hampden Gallery. An opening reception will be held from 2 to 4 p.m. Open gallery hours are held from 1 to 6 p.m. Tuesdays through Friday, and 2 to 5 p.m. Sundays.

The exhibit will be on display at UMass through March 13, before moving on to the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville.

The project was shown in Boston and New York City before completion and the full display debuted in Russia in 2012.

“It’s very exciting to do the full show in the U.S. and I’m glad it will be in Massachusetts,” Baltzell said, beaming. “It feels like we’re bringing it home.”

A long road

Baltzell spent her undergraduate days studying Russian at Grinnell College, in Iowa.

She bought her first of many copies of “War and Peace” in 1981. During a summer break from college, she travelled to Russia to spend the season in Moscow and Leningrad, now St. Petersburg.

“I found it in a bookstore in a beautiful building in Leningrad that used to house the Singer sewing machine company,” she recalled. “It had been repurposed into a Soviet bookstore and everything was ridiculously inexpensive.”

She couldn’t recall exactly how many Russian rubles she paid for it, but estimated that the brand-new, 1976 hardcover edition cost her about $1 U.S.

She certainly got her money’s worth. Baltzell carried that copy through college and beyond, managing to keep track of it through several moves.

While studying at Grinnell, Baltzell said she was drawn to Tolstoy, as well as Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian author of “Crime and Punishment.”

“I liked Dostoyevsky’s darkness, but I was more drawn to the pastoral, spoken nature of Tolstoy,” Baltzell explained.

That’s part of the reason she chose “War and Peace” for her collage project, rather than another novel. It’s length was a big factor, too. She wanted to start a huge project to defy the short life expectancy her doctors gave her — and the book fit that bill.

Baltzell earned a degree in Russian in 1983, but found herself back in school by the end of the decade. “When I graduated, it was during the Cold War. There weren’t a lot of options to use a Russian degree. I could try to get a job in the CIA, or go on to get a PhD and teach Russian.”

Neither were for her. In 1990, Baltzell earned a master’s degree in social work. She works as a psychotherapist in the Boston area.

She and her husband, Mark Natale, make their home in Brookline, but come to their Franklin County retreat quite often. They keep a “half-time” home in Leyden, where Baltzell has a studio. It sits miles from anything but a few scattered neighbors.

The long, hilly drive to their Leyden home passes picturesque eastern valley views along a road that seems to never end — it just goes up and down hill after hill and winds around countless curves before becoming little more than a cart path after the last house, which is theirs.

Her studio’s bookshelf boasts several copies of “War and Peace” in Russian and English. Her 1976 edition traveled with her through three decades and several moves. She never knew she would rip each and every page from its binding.

What is now an international art exhibit started out a solo project — a creative outlet and time killer — but it grew into much more as she brought in other artists and found more and more meaning in what they were doing.

“It was a way to connect with earlier parts of my life: My Russian grandfather, my Russian studies in college and my friends as an undergraduate, in a race against time.”

Though the small hardcover fit easily on a shelf, in a moving box, or nearly anywhere else, Baltzell quickly found the project was a lot of work. Each collage had to be thought out, materials sought out and cut and tons of glue applied. One or two were easy to do, but 747 collages made for a mountain of work.

Thinking about spending all that time alone in her quiet studio was quite discouraging for Baltzell, and she nearly gave up on the project.

Team Tolstoy

“I started the project and had done maybe six collages when I realized I was bored already,” the artist admitted. “I gave up the project and it just sat there for months.”

“I’m a social artist; it’s kind of an oxymoron.”

Baltzell prefers to work with, or at least in the company of other artists. She said it gives her a creative energy she just doesn’t get in isolation. The project stayed shelved until she reconnected with a Boston artist and college friend who was going through her second battle with breast cancer.

“I asked Lynn Waskelis if she’d be interested in reviving the project and she jumped right in,” said Baltzell.

At the time, Waskelis was receiving regular chemotherapy treatments, which often made it hard for her to do the most routine tasks. She began timing her chemo so she would be at her best on Fridays, when she and Baltzell got together for weekly collage sessions.

“For the first months, she had to lay on the floor while she worked, because she couldn’t sit,” Baltzell recalled. “She was in rough shape, but she really wanted to be there.”

Even with two artists working on the project, it was still a huge undertaking.

“After a while, we began to feel we’d never finish, so we brought in some friends,” said Baltzell. She and Waskelis looked up some of their old classmates and called a few other artists, too.

The two were joined by Boston area artists Lucy Arrington, Emma Rhodes and Adrienne Wetmore, Leyden’s Trish Crapo, Christine Carney Johnson of Atlanta, Ga., and Otto Mayr, of Berlin, Germany.
Thus was born “Team Tolstoy,” the group that would give Baltzell ­— and each other — the energy and inspiration to see the project through. Team Tolstoy did the brunt of the work and was aided by a handful of guest artists who contributed single collages.

Each was given a selection of pages from Baltzell’s old book, as well as its English translation. The instructions were simple: cover as much of the page as they like in collage, ink or other art supplies and leave at least one word, phrase or sentence untouched.

Each artist had their own style.

While some on the team tried to make their collages match what was written on the page underneath, others took more liberty.

“Some on the team really wanted to do what they wanted, without relating it to the page,” said Baltzell. “The outside, invited guest artists seemed to be more true to the page.”

The result, they say, is a work which transcends language.

“I’ve wondered, if someone hasn’t read the book, could they read the themes from the art?” asked Crapo. “I think they could.”

Some sections of the book are heavily adorned in blacks and reds. These are the pages that talk about war and destruction, Baltzell said.

Baltzell felt more compelled to match her own collages more closely to the text after first visiting the author’s homeland.

“After our first trip to Russia, I wanted to take more control of the project,” she said. “I realized we had something unique and interesting.”

It turned out that the artists weren’t the only ones who felt that way.

Tolstoy’s turf
While Baltzell considered her project to be art, she realized that not everyone would understand it.
Some may call it vandalism, a deliberate defacing of a literary masterpiece.

Knowing this, she was understandably apprehensive about informing the author’s descendants of the project.

Still, in 2011, she reached out to the Tolstoy family at Yasnaya Polyana, the estate that houses the author’s home and the Tolstoy museum.

“We put together an email proposal in Russian. It was very apologetic, saying ‘We hope you’re not offended,’” Baltzell explained.

She wasn’t prepared for the estate’s response.

“After a few days, they wrote back and said they were interested. They consider themselves the workshop of all things Tolstoy.”

She was invited to Yasnaya Polyana, the place of Tolstoy’s birth, the site where he later built his home and raised his 13 children and the place where the author is buried.

As long as Baltzell, her husband and contributing artists Crapo and Carney Johnson could pay their own airfare, the estate would pay for their stay.

The estate even used Baltzell and company as guinea pigs for an experimental exhibit during their first of two 10-day stays.

“The first summer we went to the estate, they tried a new idea out on us,” Crapo said. “They took us around the grounds and read (Tolstoy) passages that may relate to where we were.”

It wasn’t just a tourist trip; there was work to be done.

While in Russia, Baltzell taught locals how to create unique collages using pages from books. She said some of them, especially those who grew up in Soviet Russia, were apprehensive at first.

“Self expression and cutting up books is something they’re not used to so much,” Baltzell said.
“There were older women there, with grandkids. When you’d give them a piece of paper, they’d say “No, I’m not creative,’” Crapo recalled. “By the end, they were smiling and working away, saying how they hadn’t done anything like it since they were kids.”

The estate also hosted a showing of the incomplete project and invited the artists back to premiere the finished product in 2012.

Baltzell feels a sense of accomplishment now that she’s finished something doctors said she wouldn’t live to see the end of. But, there’s a feeling of loss, too.

“When we finished, I felt a certain sense of emptiness,” Baltzell said. “It was 21/2 years of meeting artists every Friday and going to Russia twice. When it was done, I was back to my own studio, by myself, and it took a while to figure out what to do next.”

After some pondering, she decided to explore encaustic art — painting with hot wax. She brings in some aspects of collage, incorporating found materials like bottle caps and bullet casings in her waxen work. Now, she’s the exhibit director for the International Encaustics Artists, a professional, nonprofit association of artists. She teaches others how to work in wax, holds encaustics retreats and curates shows.

You can learn more about the War and Peace Project and its contributors, see all 747 collages and read artists’ commentary at warpeaceproject.blogspot.com.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Refuge of Sitting

Narayan's article was today's Tricycle email blast!

I should be sitting right now instead of drinking coffee and blogging! She returns to teach tonight after several months away. We are expecting more snow -- MORE SNOW?? -- so hopefully class won't be cancelled.


Developing a disciplined sitting practice is a matter of commitment and patience. For many practitioners, it is not easy, even for those who have been sitting for a while. Sitting every day must become a priority in our daily lives rather than just one more thing we have to do. This requires a great deal of dedication, because meditation is not supported by our culture at large. Watching television is rarely criticized as being selfish, whereas a common question that practitioners bring up is whether one “deserves” to sit, implying that it is selfish to do so. Here are a few tips:

Plan to sit at the same time each day. One of the benefits of doing this is that one gets to know the mind that doesn’t want to sit. Personally, I like to sit immediately upon waking up in the morning. For many people, this seems to be a good time, before we become engaged in the activities of the day. But if you have small children or a demanding job, this may not be possible. And some of us have rebellious natures, so any routine presents a problem. Then we need to be flexible.

Another common question is how long to sit. Generally it is better to sit for a shorter amount of time than to sit way beyond our capacity. If we are constantly struggling to stay still, we may find ourselves wanting to throw our cushion against the wall instead of sitting on it. This should be avoided; after all, our frustration is not the cushion’s fault. We should determine for ourselves the amount of time we sit - there are no set formulas. Too long, and we may never want to sit again; too short, and our practice won’t develop.

It can be helpful to set an electronic timer rather than having to watch a clock. Because the practice is to let go of thoughts about the past and the future, this will free you from having to think or worry about time. You can simply set yourself a specific amount of time to sit and rely on an external sound to signal when the sitting is over.

It is important to sit with the clear intention to be present. At the same time, we need to let go of expectations. In a very real sense, what happens when we sit is none of our business. The practice is to accept whatever arises instead of trying to control our experience. What we can control is our wise effort to be present with what is. We can spend a lot of our sitting time dwelling on memories of past sittings or fantasizing of those to come. When we read or hear about the benefits of meditation, it is tempting to dwell on the stories of wonderful outcomes instead of doing the work of actualizing these possibilities ourselves. There can be a big gap between what we have read about and what is actually happening. Sitting is a way of putting our bodies behind our aspirations.

Some of us sit only when our lives are going well. When difficulties arise, we stop our practice rather than sit with disturbing emotions such as anxiety and anger. Others sit only when facing a big challenge, hoping that sitting will help us get through it. Being aware of these tendencies is part of what we face in sustaining a regular practice.

What hinders and intimidates beginners especially are experiences such as restlessness, sleepiness, and boredom. If we view these energies as part of the practice itself instead of what we need to get rid of in order to meditate, our sittings will be smoother and we will develop the inner strength to be able to be with all experiences with greater equanimity.

Even so, only rarely is sitting practice sustained without help from others. This cannot be overemphasized. To sit with others is a way to feel newly inspired and able to continue. Usually it is easier to sit for a longer amount of time in the company of others than to sit alone. Peer pressure can be a good thing. By sitting with others, even once a week, we reinspire our practice, while in sitting alone we learn self-reliance.

Whatever technique one is using, remember that the spirit of practice is more important than the technique. Finding a way to enjoy just sitting is key. Sitting meditation is a refuge, not a test.
Narayan Liebenson Grady is a guiding teacher at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center. She also teaches regularly at the Insight Meditation Center and the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies.

Friday, February 14, 2014

"What Love Is"

Here is today's daily email from Tricycle.com:

If we want to be loved, we are looking for a support system. If we want to love, we are looking for spiritual growth. 
Ayya Khema, "What Love Is"

On Wednesday I went for my 3 month visit at the Dana Farber. Everything is perfect! I am now at 5 years 6 months. I saw the nurse practitioner, Anne Kelly. We talked about how much longer I'll stay on Tamoxifen and Lupron. The guideline used to be 5 years but now it's been extended to 10 years. She said that if the side effects are tolerable, it's best to just continue on. Of course I'm thinking -- maybe I'll discontinue treatment if the next scans (late August) are fine... we also talked about whether I should have a mammogram on the left side. The Vixen had said it was unnecessary but since I am still well, I may re-start doing those. Although I feel great, it is good to get confirmation that all is well!

Here is an email that I sent out last week about The War and Peace Project which will be at UMASS Amherst. The show opens February 23. My latest creative venture is making encaustic pendants and will be selling them at the show. Trish had some scraps left over so I'm using those bits of ephemera to include in the pendants. Two galleries are now carrying them. They are cool and really fun to make!
======================================================================
The War and Peace Project at UMASS Amherst will open on Sunday February 23 from 2-4pm. I will be giving a gallery talk at 3pm. 

It is truly an honor to be able to show the project in the US in its entirety for the first time. In June 2012 it was shown in part at the Moscow International Book Fair and a few weeks later the whole project was shown at Yasnaya Polyana, the Leo Tolstoy Estate and Museum in Tula, Russia. 

As exciting as all that was, bringing it home to Massachusetts is very powerful in a different way. 

First, I am not only alive but completely healthy 5+ years after being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. This project was kind of a personal dare -- to see if I would live long enough to see it through. A kind of race for time. It grew beyond my wildest dreams and has been life-affirming for so many of us who were directly or indirectly involved.  

Including "Team Tolstoy" (the core group of artists who created this work) as well as our invited artist friends. And the people who have attended our collaborative workshops in Boston, New York and Russia.  It is coming full circle -- it ties in my Russian heritage, love of Russian language and literature, the pleasure of art-making and the joys of friendship. This project has been like Prince Andrei's epiphany as he lay dying on the battle field -- this project has been my own "blue sky" experience -- recognizing what is true, beautiful and important. 

Tolstoy = questioning and learning how to live this one precious life."
========================================================================
The project is headed to University of Arkansas next. Lucy and I will go together to give a workshop in collaborative collage-making and to attend the opening reception. We will be there May 1!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Unconditional Freedom

Many years ago I signed up for the free daily email from Tricycle.com
I read it every morning, along with many others -- Lucy, Betsy, Cheryl.
Much like going to church, sometimes the teaching does not speak to me, but oftentimes it feels meant just for me. Whatever I'm struggling with. 
Here is today's email:

The Buddha taught that freedom is going beyond conditions. For me, the people who have been through the harshest conditions—and survived—have the greatest potential to transform the madness of their lives. See, that madness made them who they are. So if they can take that madness, claim it, and stand on top of its incredible energy, they can transform it into power. 

Vinny Ferraro, "The Heartful Dodger"

I find this so inspiring. The idea of freedom. Last May, Narayan left us with the question to ponder over the summer: can you relinquish your suffering? The question itself shook me up. Is it really possible for me to find freedom? To let go of suffering? what a radical question!

I wanted to post this entry to the blog -- I have been thinking about it all day. What does it mean to go beyond conditions? Sometimes in private interviews Narayan talks about experiencing the "deathless". Now I see that she is talking about unconditional freedom.

She is in Burma now but classes resume in a few weeks.
I have continued to practice daily -- March is my 6th year anniversary of daily formal meditation practice. But it will be wonderful to have her back.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Hard Contact Lenses -- so 70's!

It has been 7+ months since the detached retina surgery, and the vision in my left eye has not recovered. In a way it has gotten worse, as now I have halos and everything is filmy. I went to see my retina surgeon a month ago, and he assured me that the retina is in place. Now the problem is that I have a cataract and significant astigmatism. Which means that my eye is elongated and wearing glasses won't correct it. This has been driving me nuts. A constant irritation.

Friday I went to the Mass Eye and Ear Institute for specialized scans to make sure there is no other disease process going on. Checking for cancer in the eye, specifically. That has been ruled out. Whew!

Yesterday I met with a cataract specialist and had more testing done. At this point I have used all of the machines in their office suite! The conclusion is that I have a cataract but it's still small. Surgery is inevitable but can wait until I can't stand it anymore. That's funny -- how scientific is that? But that's what he said. The immediate solution is to wear hard contact lens. Who wears those anymore? They flatten out the surface of the eye and correct the astigmatism when you have them on. So today I'll go get measured for a pair.

Then once it's time to remove the cataract, they can also surgically and permanently fix the astigmatism. So it looks like relief is on it's way!

Narayan is in Burma and Taiwan until mid-February so we are left to our own practice as our teacher. Right before she left, she suggested that we sit IMMEDIATELY upon waking. I have been doing that, and it is interesting. It really works! I get up, pee, make coffee and feed Sasha. Then sit. Even coffee waits until after sitting. My mind is not so crazy in its uncaffeinated, pre-email state... I sit for 30 minutes daily and the time feels quite short... which may mean it's time to extend it. I had hoped to do so after the 3 day silent retreat at IMS I did in mid-December. But somehow I didn't really commit to a longer daily sit... so it didn't happen. It's that commitment thing!