31 days of gifts

It is the last day of the last month of the year. I will give my last gift on my way out of town. This gift-giving project has totally transformed what used to be the dreaded month. I wish that I had the energy and creativity to do it every day of the year, but that seems overly ambitious. I will continue to practice generosity in my heart which after all is much more important than the physical manifestation of giving something tangible to someone. There are so many opportunities to practice, unfortunately. So much suffering, large and small.

This morning I got an email from Narayan that included a report about her project in Burma. Unfortunately I couldn't open it but do know that she is leaving in a few days for a month and will put any donations she has received to good work. I wrote back (always via her admin assistant) that my new way of practicing meditation is on snow shoes. I said that had the Buddha lived in the northern hemisphere, he surely would have included practicing on snow shoes as one of the body postures (along with sitting, walking and lying down). I hope she gets a good laugh out of that.

I am heading out West with Sasha. Because of the storm earlier in the week, Mark had to postpone his trip to New Jersey. He is driving there today to give his brother a break in caring for their father who really can't be left alone and refuses outside help. I will be without internet access (how will I survive??) other than driving to town and looking for a wifi connection.

So Happy New Year. May 2011 bring all good things to all of us.

Sing Then

In October 2008 my friend Marysia gave me a book called "The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have" by Mark Nepo. He is a poet, philosopher and cancer survivor. It is organized into a short teaching for every day of the year. Yesterday's really resonated with me.

As long as we sing,
the pain of the world
cannot claim our lives

"...it has become very lear that giving voice to what is inner is essential to surviving what is outer. No matter where we live or whom we love, no matter what we want or what we can't have, this is the lesson I can't repeat or learn enough.

When everything in life presses from outside of us, we have no choice but to sing like scared children relying on their song to stop the pain, the way that fire stalls the cold. This is the secret of all spirit, why it cannot stay inside, but must be brought from within us into the world. For it is the song from within that keeps the pain of living from snuffing our lives. It is the song from within ignited, again and again, that keeps the world going. When we do this for ourselves, we do it for every child not yet born.

... the song we share within takes turns with the catastrophes of living. When we go silent, the age goes dark.

Sing, then, in whatever tongue your pain has taught you. Sing, though you have no training and never went to school. Sing, because the cry from all the places you have kept quiet will stall the cold, will soften the danger, will keep the world possible with one more turn."

Back at Work

Here are Mark and Sasha after the big storm. She loves snow! We realized that we need to feed her more when she is so active, running through the woods. Towards the end of the week we could not only feel her ribs (good) but see them (not good). She is very happy to be on bigger rations. She will eat as much as we allow her to. She is not one to say "no" to more food.

Mark and Sasha drove back to the city yesterday. He is on vacation the rest of the week and will spend it here.

My return to work yesterday was not easy. I felt unenthusiastic and indifferent, other than when face-to-face with patients. There have been so many changes, so many people have left. All day I wanted to be somewhere else. Not good! Now that I have decided to cut to 3 days per week (starting next week) I am questioning whether I want to be there at all. These are uncomfortable feelings and difficult to sit with. I intend to continue another 6 months of so, until my birthday in late May, then will re-evaluate based on health and how it's feeling.

The best part of the day was commuting in the snow. It is very different, like learning to drive in the snow. At one point I almost fell and was surprised to find myself in the middle of the street with a car approaching fast. That scared me. Nonetheless, I find it exhilarating and even though Mark has asked me to give up the bike for the winter, I will continue to do it. On balance, the fun factor is worth the risk.

"The King's Speech"

Here is a funny picture taken at Christmas. Mark and I bought these super-warm hats for ourselves, then bought one for our brother-in law John as a gift. Turns out that Evan and Kelsey had them, too, so we had fun taking photos of lots of us in those hats.

It is early, it is cold. The sun isn't up yet. And it's back to work. Mark kept Sasha out West last night and I can't believe how much I miss her. I came home to find her food bowl on the dish rack and an empty crate. She has been with us since August but is such an integral part of daily life. If she had come back with me she would have spent the day in the crate so I decided to leave her with Mark. I hardly know what to do with myself as taking care of her defines my morning and evening routine.

Last night I braved the weather and walked to see a movie. I read just a brief preview of "The King's Speech" so didn't know what to expect. I love Geoffrey Rush. I like to see a film with little or no prior information -- to let it unfold and decide for myself. Thumbs up!

Snow Day!

I was driving back to Boston yesterday afternoon when I got a call from the clinic manager. Due to the snow emergency, all clinics will be closed today. So I took the first exit and headed back out West. In time to take another walk in the woods as the light was fading. How great! I've worked there for 12 years and only once remember that we got sent home early due to weather. So you know it's a serious weather situation! We haven't lost power which is quite surprising. Sasha was unsettled during the night by the howling wind. Once it stops blowing -- and who knows how long that will be -- we'll take her snow shoeing. Meanwhile I was able to spend more time in the studio and read by the fire.

I am also working on 2 small collages for a group show at Atlantic Works Gallery next month. Mark is working on a project for the February show so has lots of spray paint available. I went a little (very) overboard last night and totally ruined what I'd started. So today I'll be trying to figure out what to do from here as I destroyed all the source materials. But then again, that's a good problem to have!

Mark's son Michael took this photo on Sunday BEFORE the big storm.

The Angels, the Miracles

Yesterday Mark and I met at my brother's (father of the Miracles) and my sister met us there as well (mother of the Angels). She does not allow me to post photos of them which is a pity because they are so cute -- and getting very big. Everyone is well, although Trent and Evan both had all their wisdom teeth pulled a few days before so were not feeling 100%. We said to ourselves -- why haven't we been celebrating all the holidays like this, all these years? Amongst us, there is no problem. We all like each other a lot and have fun. We all love to cook so had a great meal. This is the second Christmas we've had together in this way -- just the 3 siblings and extended families. We hope to have many more together!

Unfortunately we will cut our time here out West short as we are expecting a blizzard. I'll need to drive back to Boston in a few hours. Mark will wait it out here on the hill. His company is closed next week. (I have to cover for someone at work.) He will drive to New Jersey once the weather clears to spend some time with his dad who turns 87 in February.

"Adeste, Fideles"

Mark and I went to church last night at the Unitarian Univarsalist. We went a little early and enjoyed being in a beautiful space. The church dates back to 1828 so it had lots of dark wood and stained-glass windows. Something quite unexpected happened after the ringing of the tower bell and call to worship when we began to sing "O Come, All Ye Faithful". The first verse was in Latin -- I was so moved that I began to cry and could not stop! It was as if I connected with something in the far-off distance, that old, old music that spoke directly to my soul. It was very powerful and beautiful. I feel strongly called to investigate. I would very much like to be part of a community and to re-connect with the spirituality that I grew up with, namely within the Christian tradition.

Mark and I spent some time perusing their hymnal and what we both loved is how they respect so many spiritual traditions. There were readings from Buddhist, Confucian, Taoist, Native American, Sufi, etc.

I think about my soul a lot and where I'd like to "be" when I die. Thinking about dying is not morbid at all -- it instructs you on how to live. The message from the Reverend last night was: want what you have, do what you can and be who you are. Sage advise for how to live and how to die. She encouraged the congregation to live a life that is worth dying for. Poignant and inspiring. I will definitely go back for more of that spiritual food.

Walking Meditation

This came in today's tricycle.com email and pretty much sums up what I've been doing all week both formally and informally. I do 30 minutes of very, very slow walking, practicing metta at the same time. Then I pick up the pace and take Sasha for a brisk walk, and an even longer walk in the afternoon. Yesterday we explored a new set of trails where I'd ridden horses a few summers ago with Jeff and Karma.

To celebrate Christmas, I hope to talk Mark and Michael into going to the Unitarian Univarsalist church for their Christmas Eve service which will be carols by candlelight. Tomorrow we'll go to my brother's who lives about 2 hours away. My sister will be there, too, with the Angels. I spoke with my sister-in-law yesterday and used the term "Miracles", referring to her 3 teens. She had never heard them described as such before and asked why. I said, simply, "our family history". She got a big laugh out of that. So tomorrow is a big aunty day with both the Miracles and the Angels. Together in one house!

"Walking meditation is a simple practice. You choose a straight path—indoors or outdoors—roughly fifteen or twenty steps long. You walk from one end of the path to the other, turn around, and walk back. You continue in this fashion, walking back and forth, focusing your attention on your feet. Your posture is upright, alert, and relaxed. You can hold your hands at your sides, or clasped in front or behind. Keep your eyes open, cast down, and slightly ahead. You can experiment with your pace, perhaps walking quite slowly or at a more regular speed, in an effort to find the pace at which you’re most present. As you walk, direct your attention to the sensations in the feet, to the bare experience of walking. Try to feel one step at time. Be fully, wholeheartedly aware of the physical sensations involved in taking each step. Feel your foot as it lifts, moves through the air, places down against the ground. In particular, pay attention to the touching down of the foot, the sensations of contact, and pressure. Remember that you’re feeling each step, you’re not thinking about the foot, or visualizing it."

- Peter Doobinin, "Five Practices to Change Your Mind"

Nose Piercing

I'll blame this one on having cancer and wanting to live in the moment, to do all of those things that I've wanted to do for a long time. I was in the dog park the other day and saw a young woman (note "young", not 49!) with a pierced nose and I thought -- oh, I've always wanted to do that! So I decided to get it done yesterday. I went to the local tattoo/piercing parlor and had a nose ring put in! It was done by Ben and his apprentice Chris. It actually hurt more than I expected, especially after the needle went through and he was adjusting it. Ouch! But I am totally loving it. I also bought Michael a gift certificate for Christmas which Mark thought was very funny. He is jonesing to get another tattoo. So there you go.

Last night we celebrated Winter Solstice with some friends, albeit a night late. Mark made a fire in the fire pit and lit the torches in the yard, but we never made it outside. It is too cold!

Every morning I do walking meditation in the woods with Sasha. I always use a timer. Initially she was puzzled -- why are you walking at a snail's pace? She is patient. Yesterday as the timer went off she came bounding across the field because she knew that finally we would really go. She is the best little 4-legged companion.

I am finally getting rested up. The bags under my eyes are pretty much gone and my energy is back. We are having a great week.

Winter Solstice/Lunar Eclipse/Full Moon

The sky has been amazing these last few days. The first night I got out here, Saturday, I got up in the middle of the night and looked outside -- it was so bright! The moon was quite full and reflected off the snow. It was like a dream. I've been taking Sasha for long walks in the morning and towards sunset. Late in the day the sky has been like a Maxfield Parish painting -- amazing colors. The sun didn't exactly set -- it was more like the whole sky was illuminated in pastels, 360 degrees. It was breath-taking last night -- unfortunately I forgot my camera. So tonight I took Sasha to what I call a haunted house. It is high up on a hill with a view for many, many miles. It has been abandoned for decades and I always like to take visitors to see it. It is kind of scary and kind of thrilling to be alone out on back roads. Every so often a pickup truck with hunters or farmers goes by and the city girl in me thinks -- am I safe? I feel very free here. Just the dog and clouds for company. It is beautiful.

Bases are really loaded tonight with winter solstice, the lunar eclipse and a full moon -- all on one night. We are having a small party tomorrow night to celebrate all of it.

Today we booked tickets to Paris for next month. Mark will be in India for a few weeks on business and has decided to spend 4 nights in Paris on the way home. So I will fly and meet him there. I moved my next BIG medical appointment to a week earlier so I can go. Hopefully we will have good news to celebrate. It will be the 6-month bone scan and CT scan. Lady Luck continues to be on my side.

I wish that was true for everyone. A few days ago a good friend told me that her sister (my exact age) has metastatic cancer. She was misdiagnosed for months so lost precious time in getting the proper treatment. So I am sending metta to her, the entire family, and all who are suffering in some way, large or small. The woods where I do walking meditation are prayer-filled! For all of us.

Hat Stealer

Here are Karen and Sayword yesterday. Sasha was running around so each picture I took that included her was a blur. But she was definitely there. As we walked back, we approached some young guys cutting wood. (One was very good-looking in that 20's-something, outdoorsy, rugged kind of way.) I heard him shout and there was Sasha, bounding towards us with his hat in her mouth. She loves to steal whatever is lying on the ground, things like hats and gloves. It was a nice excuse to say hello to the handsome young man -- and return his hat.

We had a quiet night on the hill last night and made one trip to town today. Otherwise we're pretty much staying put. Mark is a great fire builder and when Sasha isn't running like a crazy woman in the woods with me, she lies on the warm bricks in front of the wood stove. I am painting again and loving it. I hope to finish a piece by the end of the week. I love the feeling of dashing out of bed in the morning, into the studio, to see where I left off.

Am also reading a new book that Irene sent from Brazil entitled "Wolf Hall" by Hilary Mantel. It is considered a historical novel and takes place in the early 1500's, focusing on the life and times of Thomas Cromwell, advisor to King Henry VIII. I love to get up early, make some coffee and sit on the couch, reading. The story is engaging and I am totally enjoying this book. Even though I do the gift-a-day thing all through the month, I am still way far behind as others are so generous to me.

Roofman

Lynn took this photo of me and Adrienne at the reception on Thursday night. Adrienne was blowing a kiss to Emma who couldn't attend the party.

I went walking in the woods today with Karen and Sayword. Sayword sent this lovely poem. We were talking about work and how sometimes I get quite discouraged and burned-out. Just before I left on Thursday I saw my supervisor who had sent me a patient to see for a housing problem. I thought the consultation had gone well, as she thanked me as she left and said it was very helpful. However, she told him that it was a total waste of time and that I was terrible -- cold, not helpful, incompetent. Wow. That was so hard to hear. Now that I will be cutting down to 3 days a week, I wonder -- for how long? Is this really how I want to spend my time? So the following
poem is encouraging!

Roofman
by Patricia Fargnoli

We go on. I don't know how sometimes.
For a living, I listen eight hours a day to the voices
of the anxious and the sad. I watch their beautiful faces

for some sign that life is more than disaster---
it is always there, the spirit behind the suffering,
the small light that gathers the soul and holds it

beyond the sacrifices of the body. Necessary light.
I bend toward it and blow gently.

I am beginning to feel better. The Zometa (which is an extremely expensive medication that gets infused every 6 months) is a bit hard to tolerate. You feel like you have the flu for a few days -- achy bones and achy jaws. One of the scary potential side effects is that you can have necrosis of the jaw -- the jaw bone dies. So whenever I feel that, I freak out. It's been 4 days so it's subsiding. Unfortunately I wasn't feeling so great at the reception on Thursday. But each day I feel better. By tomorrow I should be in good shape again.

Here is why Lucy is so much fun. (I forgot to share this on Wednesday.) I have been working very hard to lose some Lupron/Zometa weight and am finally at my ideal weight. I got on the scale at the hospital on Wednesday with fingers crossed as each scale is different. The digital scale showed over 230 pounds. I thought -- is that kilos? The health aid shrieked and laughed. I turned around and there was Lucy, standing with one foot on the scale, playing around. She is too much!

Fresh Ink

We are in the city today as we are taking down the show this evening, so I made good use of it! I am very proud of the new wing at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. I have been visiting for many years as my aunt Marty used to be a docent. She turned us on to it in our late teen years and I've been a member on and off all these many years. The new wing has been open just a month or so. I rode my bike over today to have an introduction. It is magnificent! A very exciting space. I only looked around the top floor where they have the contemporary work which includes painting, photography, sculpture as well as decorative arts.

There is also a very interesting show called "Fresh Ink" that I want to go back to study.

Here is the blurb off the MFA web site:

In this groundbreaking exhibition, contemporary Chinese ink painters engage in dialogue with classical artworks from China’s past. At the core of this exhibition’s concept is an artist-in-residency program. Leading artists from China and the Chinese diaspora have come to Boston to study the MFA’s superb collection of Chinese art, allowing them to create new works in direct response to the Museum’s permanent collection. In the exhibition, the new works and the masterpieces they refer to will be juxtaposed in the new Gund Gallery—the ancient will historicize the contemporary, while the contemporary will revitalize the ancient.

Mark and I are driving out West tonight where we will be all week.

Miraculous Practice

Lynn took this photo last night at the reception. We had a really good time! It wasn't so crowded as the first reception but that was fine because we had a chance to talk with our guests and friends. The show comes down tomorrow night at 6pm. The whole team was so tired that we didn't gather in the studio as we always do on Fridays. We will probably take the next few weeks off as the next two Fridays are holidays. Doing the show has been bittersweet. It was a wonderful opportunity to share what we have done to date, but it was also a major interruption to our flow of creativity. So we are all looking forward to getting back to doing what we do best -- which is to make collages side-by-side, drinking tea and enjoying the view from our dockside studio.

Every once in a while I find an article about yoga that is so spot-on. This was in the December 2010 issue of Yoga Journal. It is entitled "Miraculous Practice" and is written by Karen Macklin. I sometimes find it hard to articulate the wonder of yoga. This is a great article!

Miraculous Practice by Karen Macklin

Has yoga changed your life? It's pretty likely, since just about everyone who practices yoga has been touched in some way by its transformative power. Maybe you simply feel better in your body. Perhaps you've experienced more profound changes in your life, relationships, and worldview. But because these changes often take place over time, as a part of a subtle and organic process, it can sometimes be hard to pinpoint exactly what it is about yoga that helps you to live a better life.

Tantra scholar Rod Stryker says that to truly understand why yoga is so transformative, you first have to understand the concept of transformation. The idea that yoga changes you into someone better than the person you were before is something of a misconception. It is more accurate to say that yoga helps you remove the obstacles that obscure who you really are, that it helps you come into a fuller expression of your true nature. We're not transforming into something we aspire to, we're transforming into the very thing that we are innately: our best Self.

One way yoga encourages transformation is by helping you to shift patterns you've developed over time, patterns that may be unhealthy. When you put your body into a pose that is foreign and you stick with it, you learn how to take a new shape. Taking this new shape with the body can lead you to learn how to take a new shape with the mind. If practiced correctly, yoga asana breaks down the psychological, emotional, physical, energetic, and psychic obstacles that inhibit us from thriving.

Yoga also teaches you how to make better decisions. Everything about practicing yoga involves intention - you set apart time in your day to do it, you move in a specific manner, breathe in a specific way. And when you are mindful and deliberate in your yoga practice, you create the opportunity to become more mindful and deliberate in your life. The people who stick with yoga realize that they make decisions that are more constructive than destructive. "I often tell my students that one of two things will happen after you do yoga for a few years: Either you will begin to change for the better, or you will stop doing yoga" (Stryker).

Perhaps most important, your yoga practice allows you a glimpse of the joyful and free person you can be. Practicing asana shows you that you can accomplish things you never thought you could. At first, we think, "There's no way I am going to be able to do a Headstand." And then, in little increments, we start to gain the confidence. And then all of a sudden we can do it. When you're lying in Savasana at the end of a yoga practice, after you have worked hard and felt thoroughly present and connected to your body, that sense of joy and freedom you experience is an expression of your true nature. Even though it may be fleeting, it shows you what is possible.

Thumbs Up from The Vixen

Lucy took this picture at the Dana Farber reception desk -- I made a lemon bundt cake this morning for the infusion RN staff who always take such good care of me. It was a big hit. Lucy and I definitely ate our share!

So it was a great visit. The Vixen (aka, beautiful red haired vixen, aka Dr. Anne Partridge) was in top form. We had a chatty, upbeat visit. The blood work all looks good. I will have the big scary scans next month, but if all goes well, she agreed that I can start going only once every 3 months! With the understanding that I have a very low threshold for reporting any problems. The monthly injection I take, Lupron, also comes in a 3-month dose. So that is most excellent.

She is such a funny person. So smart, so beautiful, so entertaining. She always examines my chest (1 breast, the other side just the chest wall). As she popped open my bra with one hand, I commented how talented she was. She quipped right back that it's part of her job, to have nimble fingers to open any bra with one hand, and she's not even a lesbian. We all cracked up.

Rather than do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer this year, I want to do the Pan-Mass Challenge instead. It is a fundraiser for the Dana Farber. You basically bike the length of Massachusetts in 2 days. About 200 miles altogether. She has been doing it for years and says it's a lot of fun and that the Dana puts together a team. There is a steep entrance fee -- you must raise $3,500 to participate. The sign-up opens in January or February. So you may hear more about this in the near future.

Lucy and I always have a fun time together, even at an oncology visit! We chat and laugh all afternoon. We know the whole staff of the 9th floor. I am so grateful for her ever-present friendship and support. All is well.

Rainbow Body

I am taking the day off from work tomorrow. My appointment isn't until 12:30, but it is so annoying to go to work for just 2 hours, only to rush off late morning. So I will be a little decadent and have a quiet morning at home. It is always strange to go to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute once a month as it is full of really sick people in various stages of the disease. The worst, of course, is the pediatric floor.

It is a reminder that I really have cancer. With a terrible prognosis! Yet my day-to-day experience is so fulled with light and life. It is surreal at times. Such a juxtaposition between what "is" and what I experience. I have never felt stronger -- especially after losing about 20 pounds! I ride my bike every day to work almost without exception.

Every time I go, I ask the same question(s). What is likely to happen? Each time they respond the same -- they have no idea, but the longer I do well on the current medication/treatment, the better. I am already beating the odds, big time. I am very, very grateful.

Here is a teaching from today's Tricycle.com email:

Is enlightenment possible for laypeople?

Often we feel our everyday secular lives are in conflict with our pursuit of the teachings. How possible is it really for one who goes to work every day, has demanding familial obligations, lives among countless distractions?...

If somebody renounces the world, lives in a monastery, and studies the Buddhist teachings, they become learned and a very gentle, accomplished person; that’s... not very surprising. That’s their job; that’s what they spend all their time on. But if a layperson receives the pithy instructions on how to be able to practice the heart of the Buddha’s teachings during daily life situations, and then with sincerity and perseverance practices that, in every single moment, with mindfulness and with some
kind of real integrity, and then achieves awakening while taking care of obligations, one’s duties, and one’s family, and so forth, that is truly surprising, because that’s difficult. And yet there are the profound instructions of Mahamudra and Dzogchen that are designed in such a way so that this is possible. As a matter of fact, there have been a huge number of laypeople in India and in Tibet who not only attained levels of enlightenment, in other words, became really accomplished, but also some who, at the time of death, left behind what is called the “rainbow body” as a manifest sign of complete enlightenment.

- Chokyi Nyima Rinpoche, "Keeping a Good Heart"

Boston Globe Blurb

Here's the little piece that ran in the Boston Globe yesterday.

WAR AND PEACE: Last March, Laura “Lola’’ Baltzell of Brookline assembled a group of fellow artists to make collages inspired by the pages of her two-volume Russian edition of Leo Tolstoy’s “War and Peace’’ from the 1970s.

The project began as a way to spend time with friends and colleagues in her East Boston studio, reconnect with her college major of Russian, and shift her focus from the metastatic breast cancer that she was diagnosed with in August 2008.

With “Team Tolstoy’’ collaboration sessions held each Friday, the 15 contributors — who range in age from 20 to 65 — produced more than 300 7-by-5-inch works on vellum paper incorporating a page of the Russian text with what Baltzell calls “a mash-up of personal bits and random detritus washed up from the universe of print,’’ including newspapers, pamphlets, letters, maps torn and cut from hand-me-down books, thread, dried flowers, wax, ink, and acrylic paint.

“The War and Peace Project’’ is on display at Atlantic Works Gallery, 80 Border St. in East Boston, with a reception Thursday from 6 to 9 p.m. featuring Russian fare and entertainment.

“I love the ritual of coming together, knowing exactly what we will be doing, but not exactly who will be doing it or how,’’ Baltzell said.

“ ‘War and Peace’ has it all. Tolstoy’s work is so heart-achingly beautiful; he captures so much of what it is to be human. It has ample time and room for each of us,’’ she said.

“And I think that this project has mostly attracted artists who generally love words, language, and books, or particularly these words, this beautiful language and translation, and this amazing book.’’

The Atlantic Works Gallery is open Fridays and Saturdays, 2 to 6 p.m., or by appointment, with the exhibition running through Dec. 18.

Today's Boston Globe

Irene took this photo a few weeks ago. We were in a woodworker's studio during Open Studios. I sent it to the Boston Globe for a story that ran today.

This morning I inadvertently realized how public this blog has become. It freaked me out. I was googling an image for the War and Peace blog, and up popped many, many links to this blog. I looked a little further and got even more upset. I know it's in the public domain, but I didn't think it was searchable. So Mark got on it and has re-set the settings so now it is (hopefully) not searchable. I don't want to stop writing but I also don't want to be so public. So hopefully this will allow me to continue in relative anonymity.

It is a dreary day -- very heavy sleet/cold rain. I did walking meditation in the woods anyway. At this point I have plenty of outdoor clothing to stay dry and warm so it's comfortable. Sasha doesn't seem to mind at all. I envy her ever-present heavy water-resistant pelt. I will take her out for a long walk later in spite of the elements.

I have a medical appointment this week. On Wednesday I'll have blood drawn, an injection of Lupron and will see The Vixen. I only see her every 4-6 months as it's hard to get in her schedule and as she says, if I am seeing her regularly, I am in deep trouble. She only sees the really sick patients. And that's not me!

The New "Green"

Winter is upon us. The yard has a light but probably permanent (til April) layer of snow. When we got here last night I took Sasha for a short walk outside. It is the first time she has been in snow. I did walking meditation outside early this morning and of course she went along. When we came back inside, she was a wild thing, chasing around the house and leaping on and off the couch where Mark was napping. It took us a while to find his glasses which went flying. She was so happy and energized. I will take her for a long walk this afternoon. If I can peel her off the floor -- she really likes the wood stove.

We met up with Jeff and Karma for dinner last night, and will celebrate Karen's birthday tonight at a brew pub that I like a lot. (Even though I don't drink anymore, I still like those kinds of places.) For being in the middle of the woods, we have plenty of social time out here.

While in town today, I stopped by the local thrift store and loaded up on cake plates and tins for cookies or granola. I am loving this gift-a-day thing. I've also read that shopping in thrift stores is the new "green" -- by definition everything is re-purposed and re-used. You can find some funky unique things, that's for sure.

Usual Friday

This is a "self-portrait" that I took last weekend. It has been a very cold week! I will spend the day in the studio as usual with Lynn, Lucy, Adrienne and Emma today, then Mark and I will drive out West this evening.

I have been running into neighbors this week who ask me about the article that ran in the paper last week. It is kind of strange that others now know so much about me! I saw Laura today and she was very concerned to know that I am doing OK. She also said that she found the story to be uplifting -- so it's all good!

3 day work week

Well, it's official. I met with the director and starting next month, I will cut back even further, to 3 days per week. Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I am very happy to anticipate this change!

It is working well to do meditation first thing in the morning. Even though it is extremely early, I am finding it pleasurable. It's a good feeling, to set up your day such that the important things aren't done haphazardly or late at night, but given priority, first thing in the morning. The only drawback is that I have never been an night owl, and now it's even more ridiculous, how tired I am by evening. It is 8:30pm and I'm ready to drop!

I've been riding my bike all week. Today it was 17 F as I rode to work. Actually I'm riding Mark's bike as mine is getting some work done. I ride it pretty hard and it hasn't been tuned up in a while. I have been raiding his winter clothing stash -- this morning he handed me a pair of super warm and wind-proof biking pants that fall well below my ankles, so my lower legs don't freeze. A definite improvement!

Gift #8

Here is Hardings Beach in Chatham (Cape Cod) a few weeks ago. I spent many a summer afternoon there as a teenager and while in college. I actually prefer most places "off-season" because it is so beautiful and quiet.

I am having a good time with the gift-a-day this month. I have a lemon bundt cake in the oven and will take it to Lance, our dog trainer. It is for the whole class. One hand full of Bil Jac, the other full of cake. I think he will get a kick out of it.

I went to Narayan's last class of the term last night. Actually I went to both classes, the "beginners" and the "advanced". It's all the same to me. Mark was good enough to take care of Sasha so I could attend both classes. (It's cold and he's not inclined to walk her in the cold so I had to walk her late, late last night.) She was the gift recipient yesterday. She is spending next month in Burma (that's what she still calls it). She has a nuns project over there. I am not entirely sure what she is doing but one of their projects is to bring solar power to a temple. Something like that. In any case, I gave her a SIZEABLE pile of cash. Cash. Not tax-deductible. And I am so happy to be able to do it! She said that she will tell me what she used the money for once she gets back. She will return to teaching in late February. I will miss her terribly.

In the beginners class, someone asked if it's best to practice at the same time every day. Basically the answer is yes. She said it's best in the morning. Get up, pee if you must, then do your practice. So I decided to get up even earlier -- at 5:30 -- to practice. I actually liked it a lot. However, I still had to have coffee. There's no way I can do anything without a good dose of caffeine. So by 9am I had done my sitting practice, taken Sasha to the park, practiced yoga and biked to work in the freezing cold. It was a wonderful morning!

An unsettling thing happened yesterday. A colleague asked me to see a patient for case management (not therapy). She walked in and told me that she had read about me in Artscope Magazine. That was very weird. We had never met yet she knows a lot about me -- the article had all the details about the cancer, the War and Peace Project. I felt extremely exposed. She didn't make a big deal about it, but it made me very uncomfortable. It never occurred that my personal and work lives would collide like that. The other thing is that the War and Peace Project blog is just a few key strokes from this one if you know how to look.

Which lead me to wonder -- shall I continue with this blog? At the second class last night another student commented that most of our speech -- and writing is a form of speech -- is about either defending ourselves or promoting ourselves. He called it "selving". The whole point of Buddhist meditation practice is to loosen the "self". To see that so much of what goes on is not personal. This blog is the ultimate in self-absorption. I wonder what Narayan would say about this? So why do I write this, anyway? For who? Myself? Others? I have access to "stats" so I can see how many people read this. I can also see which countries the readers come from. I have readers from many countries -- all over the world -- countries I have never visited nor know people who live there. Korea, Russian, Israel, all over.

The question to her will have to wait for her return in late February -- so I'll probably continue on with this anyway. And live with the question!

TAB Review

So much for being anonymous! Here is a story that ran on the front page of the Brookline TAB on 12/2/10. I saw the Angels last night and Shayna was very pleased that her 3rd grader friend recognized her auntie in the newspaper.

After Laura “Lola” Baltzell, 49, of Brookline, was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in August 2008 and was told she would not likely live past early 2011, she decided it was time to embark on a long-term art project as what she called a “life affirmation.”

“I was like, ‘you know what? I’m going to live,’” she said. Inspired by artist Matt Kish’s project, “One Drawing for Every Page of Moby Dick,” in which he does a drawing based on each page of the classic novel and posts them to his blog site, Baltzell, a longtime artist, decided to start a “War and Peace Project,” setting out to make a collage from every page of her 30-year-old copy of Leo Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” that she brought back from Russia in 1981.

Now, Baltzell, who said she is doing well with no signs of cancer, along with fellow artists Lynn Waskelis, Lucy Arrington, Emma Rhodes, Otto Mayr, Lucy Zahner Montgomery and Adrienne Wetmore (“Team Tolstoy”), have completed 300 “War and Peace” collages, which will be on exhibit at the Atlantic Works Gallery in East Boston Dec. 3 through 18.

In March, Team Tolstoy, which is made up of both old and new friends of Baltzell, picked up where she left off in 2009, after she nearly gave up on the project when her first six collages didn’t meet her expectations. Since then, the group’s work has been featured in daily postings on the project’s blog site, warpeaceproject.blogspot.com.

“The project seems to have taken on a life of its own,” said Baltzell. “It feels bigger than just us.”

Meeting on Fridays in their East Boston studio — with the exception of Mayr, who submits his collages from Berlin — the seven artists create each 5-by-7-inch collages using pages from second-hand books, materials from neighbor’s attics, and whatever other supplies they can get their hands on. For many members of Team Tolstoy, one of the most useful supplies has been the influence of their fellow artists.

“We all feed off each other and get inspiration from each other. It really helps us to grow,” said Rhodes, who at 20 years old is the youngest artist of the group. “We praise each other in the environment we work in. It makes me feel like I can just play and not worry about mistakes.”

Rhodes credited Team Tolstoy with encouraging her to take risks with school projects at the Art Institute of Boston, where she enrolled shortly before she became involved with the “War and Peace Project.”

“They’re great, positive people to be around,” said Rhodes. “When I’m around them I don’t see the age difference.” For other artists, like Waskelis, 49, who shares the experience of breast cancer with Baltzell, having dealt with it just this past year, working on the project also had therapeutic benefits.

“When I was going through chemotherapy, it felt like an amazing gift to come to [the studio] and spend time with people I love,” she said.

The opening reception for the project’s exhibit on Dec. 3, featuring Russian food and music, is dedicated to all Team Tolstoy has achieved thus far with what Baltzell estimates as about a year left until the project’s completion. “We are celebrating being alive, friendship and art,” she said.

The Best Granola Ever!

Here is my aunt Marty. Waiting for the chiropractor to come in to see her. She was in some discomfort -- and she still looks so fabulous! She is wearing a necklace that I re-gifted to her. A patient at the clinic from Cape Verde gave it to me a few years ago. My aunt commented on it so I passed it on to her. We've been joking that finally, after all these years, I am giving stuff to her rather than the other way around. Which is not to say that she isn't incredibly generous in every way. I miss her.

Yesterday I met with Karen and Sayward to walk in the woods. I gave them some homemade granola (gift #5). Karen told me that it's the best she's ever had so I will post the recipe here.


2.5 cups oatmeal
half cup wheat germ
half cup sunflower seeds
half cup sesame seeds
half cup almonds/nuts
fourth cup oil
half cup honey/molasses
1 cup coconut

grease baking sheet
heat oven to 350
mix all ingredients by hand -- I leave it a little clumpy
bake til golden brown or less if you like it stickier
scrape it off baking sheet while still hot otherwise it sticks and is
hard to get off. let it cool in a bowl.

I always make a double batch because it is so yummy!!!

My sister will bring the Angels over tonight for a visit. Shayna turned 9 on Saturday so I will give her her gift(s) today. My sister took her out shopping and Shayna was very excited about several items -- so I asked my sister to go back in secret to the store and pick up Shayna's wish list. My sister thinks it's over-the-top to give her so much -- but I say, what the heck. I will also go to see Laila, my god daughter who turns 2 today.

Plush Bunny

Car salesmen are all about making the customer happy. As we were signing the papers yesterday, I asked Carl if he would take a photo of me and Sasha. He had just given her a doggy toy -- a plush pink bunny with a squeeky head and a tennis ball belly. Within minutes -- we were still signing papers -- she had eaten off both ears and had the squeeky thing in her mouth. I took that away -- and wondered what happened to the ears. Next time I looked down she had eaten the ball in half. He was very impressed -- he had never seen such a good chewer. That's my girl! We are watching her, to make sure that what went in comes out. Hopefully it won't require a trip to the vet for special intervention.

Mark's son Michael is doing remarkably well. He came up to see us yesterday afternoon. He is holding down a full-time job. He hasn't looked this good in many years. I was heading out to the woods and commented that my earbuds for the I-pod are in rough shape. He offered to lend me his Skull Candy set and promised that they would rock me. They really did! But of course I was totally blown away that he was listening, and offered something. Very impressive. We are hopeful.

Oh, What a Night

Here are a few photos from last night, the opening of The War and Peace Project. On the left is Andreii and his sister, who sang Russian folk songs. He is holding a balalaika, an old-fashioned Russian stringed instrument. On the right is Lynn with Lucy and Rick.

To say it was a blast would be an understatement. It was very well-attended as we all invited friends and family. We served Russian food and drink. Over the course of the evening, every bit of food and drink (including 2 litres of vodka) was consumed. It was a fantastic reception. We got lots of press and are expecting a few more articles in the next week. So many people came -- Jeanne and Lynn drove up from Hartford! My dental hygenist showed up. Karma and Jeff, Vanessa, so many dear friends.

Mark and I drove out West this morning. We picked up the new Jeep which we both like a lot, and have been on the hill ever since. I took Sasha out for a very long walk, a little too late in the day. Fortunately I just ordered a collar with a red light -- it is quite bright and either glows or blinks. Lite-Dawg. So she is now easy to see in the waning hours of late afternoon. I am tired and very happy to practice walking meditation outside and yoga by the wood stove.

Today is the 4th day of the month and so far I have been able to do the gift-a-day each day. The first day I brought in some candy to the clinic and passed it around to staff and some patients. (That's probably against regulations.) The second day I gave a collage to Mindy. She was one of my very first "collectors" and recently gave me a bunch of fantastic collage ephemera. The third day I gave another collage to Nina who helped a lot with the PR for our show. And today I gave a small set of notecards to Margie our wonderful neighbor. It is really quite fun to do this. It has totally shifted how I feel about this month. And tomorrow's recipient will be?

A World of Friendship

My friend Wendy send me this book some time ago -- and I am just reading it now. This morning I read a wonderful passage:

Adventurers and Friendship

Ours is a world of friendships. We love them; we want them. And they aren't limited to humans, as any pet owner knows. In the Jataka collection of tales about his lives before he made it to the human realm is a story about Buddha when he was a parrot. This parrot, a beautiful green, red, and yellow creature, lived in a fig tree that he loved very much. Basically he was a happy little bird in a happy little tree. "I'll never abandon it for another refuge" just about sums up the relationship.

For a long time the little parrot and the fig tree have a wonderful time living together. But one day, the kind of the gods, Shakra, gets bored, the way kings of gods have a tendency to do. He decides that he wants to see just how strong this parrot-fig tree friendship is. That day he makes the tree dry up. Its leaves fall off in a huge clump, until all that is left is a collection of scrawny, naked branches. They aren't going to do the parrot any good on hot days. Every day is a hot day.

The parrot doesn't care. He sits on the branches when the sun isn't too strong. And when it is, he flies in circles around his friend the tree, making a breeze for both of them. "Should friends part just because bitter fortune has struck? Days pass and fortunes change. And my tree, I'll not leave you."

And he doesn't. He keeps the naked fig tree company every single day until Shakra finally decides that the parrot isn't kidding about the friendship. The tree gets its leaves back and then its fruit. Rumor has it that Shakra throws in a pure blue sky as an extra bonus. Friendships can do that do a god.

Sneak Preview

Here is a sneak preview of our show -- Mark was doing his magic and helping us figure out how to make the show sparkle. Our opening is Friday night. It has been consuming me for the last several weeks and is really heating up now. Tonight most of the team was at the gallery in East Boston, finishing up. I feel quite guilty, but Mark and I went to puppy class instead! We will go over tomorrow night to make last-minute adjustments.

I looked online today to see if Time Out Boston had included our show in their review. Indeed they did. However, I was completely taken aback when I read this:

Laura Baltzell: “The War and Peace Project” (Dec. 3–18)

Atlantic Works Gallery

Laura Baltzell is taking artistic ambition into whole new realms of the neurotic: She and a group of volunteers have pledged to make 750 separate collages using every page of her Russian copy of Tolstoy’s bleak classic. Her press release describes the idea as “crazy and enticing.” We know they got the first part right, at least. File this under: must be seen to be believed.

Neurotic? crazy? The writer was snarky if you ask me. It was just a taste of being in the public eye, and I'm not sure that I like it at all! I can see why artists either don't read reviews of their work, or become hesitant to show their work.

Today was a very ordinary day at work. Lucy and I met during lunch and did some shopping for the reception. I biked and got soaked on the ride home. I really don't mind, especially if I get wet on the ride home. Sitting in wet clothes all day is another story.

We love going to puppy class. Every class we learn something quite useful. It has made a huge difference in managing Sasha. She is really a pleasure, but in part because we work really hard at training her and being consistent. I just got back from walking with her in the pouring rain for about 50 minutes. She stayed home with Mark today but he was working so didn't have time to do much outside with her.

A Gift A Day

Tomorrow is December 1, which means it's time to start giving a gift a day for each day of the month. I read about this idea last fall in Yoga Journal, and thought it was truly in the spirit of the season, to give something to someone each and every day of December. Like many people, this has always been a hard month for me. My mother died December 1, 1981. So the month starts off with a painful memory. And of course, Christmas which I have always dreaded -- until last year -- when I decided to do gift-a-day. It was a totally different experience. It was beautiful. I felt open-hearted and that felt good! So I will make this my annual tradition.

That is my intention, but I am not really prepared! I don't even know what will go to who tomorrow. But that's OK. It will make it more spontaneous.

Tonight is the second to last meditation class with Narayan. She goes on retreat the month of January, so classes won't resume again until late February.

I spoke with the department director today and it looks like I'll be cutting back to 3 days/week starting in January. That feels just right.

Biking with Sasha

Here is Sasha last week, exploring the shoreline as I got the kayak in the water. Tonight we tried a new activity -- biking! She was home with Mark today who was sick, so she got little exercise. We are dashing back over to the gallery to work on hanging the show tonight, so I had little time to exercise her. So I decided to try biking with her. I biked to work so had all the gear out anyway. She did great! Mark was a bit concerned as I announced that I was going to give it a try. I used the 10 foot leash but kept most of it in my hand. She pulled hard a few times but I didn't fall off and she didn't get hit by a car or a bike. So it was a success!

I am considering cutting more hours at my job. I so enjoyed the week off. I contacted the interim director toay and let her know. I am now at 32 hours. I need to work 20 hours to keep health benefits. So I may propose working 2 long days, 10 hours per day. Wouldn't that be great?

Hanging the Show

I took this photo a few days ago while walking with my aunt and Sasha. A wealthy family gave 15 acres of undeveloped land to the local conservation trust. It is a bog and lovely to walk through. My grandfather used to visit every summer, and he'd invite each of us for a private walk and talk. There was a special tree where he'd always stop and his favorite question was "how is your relationship with God?". I told my aunt about that as we walked by that tree, and how I wish he was alive now as I would be very interested in having that conversation with him at this point in my life. At the time, I was in my 20's and not particularly interested in God -- to understate.

Mark and I drove back to the city early today so we could meet the other Team Tolstoy members to hang our show. It opens on Friday. It is a lot of work to put on a show. We have finished more than half of it, but that's just the installation. Organizing the food, beverage and entertainment... that is yet to be done. So I'm starting the return to work this week a bit tired... but happy.

I had a wonderful walk in the woods with Sasha this morning. I explored a new trail and didn't get lost. I actually looked to her to see which turn to take at one point. She charged up a hill and I followed. She made the right choice!

I'll work 3 days this week with Thursday off for last-minute show preparations.

Jeep Patriot

Mark and I decided to drive out West this morning. In part because the winter weather has started, and we need a 4-wheel drive vehicle. It is too scary to navigate the hilly dirt roads in a normal car. Maybe my aunt's brainwashing worked. We decided to get an American-made car. Mark is joking that we got the "Patriot". We actually preferred the classic Jeep Wrangler -- it has huge "fun" appeal, but the gas mileage is totally unacceptable -- 15-19mpg -- so we went with the practical choice. It will be available for pick-up next weekend.

We got here in time to spend a few hours with Sasha in the woods. As we headed back towards the house, it began to snow. Lightly, but snow nonetheless. She loves to run in the woods. I trust her completely now off-leash, and she comes barreling whenever I call her.

I also like to do walking meditation. Initially it drove me crazy -- everyone moving like zombies around the meditation hall -- but practiced outdoors by oneself, it is fantastic. I set my timer for 30 minutes and try to focus on just this in-breath, just this out-breath. Sasha is always nearby, wondering why I'm going so slowly! Today I had the sense of a long lineage -- that many yogis have walked this same path -- figuratively speaking -- and had a strong sense of being in the moment. I'm reading a book called "The Chocolate Cake Sutra" and the author mentions a 15th century Japanese haiku poet, Basho. Here is one of his poems:

Old pond...
A frog leaps in
Water's sound.

I felt like Basho today. Light snow on grass and leaves. My senses felt opened up. I was present. It was exquisite.

Ginko Leaves

I took this photo a few weeks ago. I was biking to work and was dumb-struck by the colors of all the leaves -- those still hanging on and those on the ground. Here is a wonderful pile of ginko leaves.

We're back in the city. I had a delightful time with my aunty. The last thing we did before I drove back this afternoon was a long walk on the beach. She injured her back a few weeks ago so is still taking it easy, but she still wanted to go. She is always up for walking. We let Sasha run free. That was her first time at the beach off-leash. I was a little worried when she headed into the surf as I am a terrible swimmer and would not be able to rescue her if she got in trouble. I was relieved when she headed back to shore after experiencing just one wave. She had been chasing seagulls -- very enthusiastically!

Mark and I are not sure how we will spend the rest of the weekend. We will hang the War and Peace Project in East Boston on Sunday afternoon.

Happy Thankgving

This is my favorite holiday. It is 8am and the kitchen is bustling. More family arrived last night with my brother's family is expected late this morning. One of our family traditions is to go around the table and each one of us says that we are grateful for. In years gone by, I dreaded it. Nowadays I look forward to it. Some years there is a move to skip it -- and now I insist that we do it. Like any family, we have our tragedies. And triumphs.

It is getting edgy with my uncle and I wonder when it will completely unravel. But being with everyone else is wonderful, so I am working on practicing tolerance. Life gives us endless opportunities to "practice".

This teaching was in today's email from tricycle.com:


Here are some methods for helping yourself to slow down your eating by creating
pauses:

1. Pause before beginning the meal. Look at each item of food, taking it in with the eyes. Notice colors, textures, shapes, arrangement on the plate or bowl.

2. Take a moment to say grace. Thank the animals, plants, and people who brought this food to you. Be aware of their gifts as you eat.

3. Begin the meal by pausing to inhale the fragrance of the food. Imagine that you are being nourished by just the smell.

4. Eat food like a wine connoisseur tastes wine. First sniff the food, enjoying the bouquet. Then take a small taste. Roll it around in the mouth, savoring it. What ingredients can you detect? Chew slowly and swallow. Take a sip of water to cleanse the palate. When the mouth is empty of food and flavor, repeat the process.

5. If you notice that you are eating without tasting, stop and pause to look at the food again.

- Jan Chozen Bays, "Mindful Eating"

Kayaking

Sasha has certainly gotten bigger since last time we kayaked which was late September. It was relatively warm yesterday although she got cold quickly so we weren't out for long. She loves being in the water which is no surprise given that she is a lab. She wasn't into swimming as much as last time -- maybe it was too cold. She paddled along behind me for a bit but spend most of her time trying to get in the kayak. It was fun even though it was short and I got totally soaked.

My niece Kelsey arrived last night for dinner. She is my brother's daughter. She is graduating from college this spring and is amongst the few college graduates-to-be with a job lined up. She has always been a highly motivated person. I am so proud of her! Last night we took Sasha for a long walk. Everyone else is arriving today. It will be a crowd of 11 or 12.

I am happy to be here, doing simple things with my aunt. We love to cook together. I keep an eye out for unusual recipes to make when we get together. She is not an adventurous cook but is a very adventurous eater so it's a challenge (in a good way) to see how far we can stray from "normal" food. My uncle won't touch most of what we make but he seems to get a kick out of my aunt's gastronomic pleasures.

So far we have avoided locking horns. I bite my tongue -- a lot! He seems to be doing the same, although I feel quite provoked at mealtimes. The federal deficit, THOSE democrats, the undocumented immigrants, etc. My aunt loves Glenn Beck. Family?!

Aunt Barbara's Room

Here is a photo I took on my bike commute to work last week. I was riding along and was so blown away by the colors of the trees against the leaden sky. You can see my bike in the lower right corner. Taking this series of photos made me even later than every to work, but I couldn't help it! The light in November is fantastic.

Sasha and I arrived at my aunt's house in late afternoon. I am not good at "transitions" such as packing the house. It takes a ridiculous amount of time. Hence the late arrival. My aunt was so happy to see us. The only difficult part -- of course -- was dinner and the Republican rhetoric. But I'm getting better at tolerating it. I don't antagonize them anymore -- I just smile and try to steer the conversation to more mutual topics. As you enter the house through the garage there is a big poster for Massachusetts Republican senator. While preparing dinner my aunt watches Fox News. I saw an ad for a book by Sarah Palin. Who knew that she even wrote a book? It's a different world at her house.

She asked which room I want, and for the first time put me in the room that was always my Aunt Barbara's. She died of an aneurysm in 2007. It made me nostalgic about her, and the three decades that the family has been in this rambling old house. I woke in the middle of the night and was delighted by the view of the tidal pond, small boats, all illuminated by the moon.

Walking at night is a new passion. I took Sasha out last night for an hour, a long loop through the center of town. I brought a flashlight but didn't need it as the moon is still quite full. We saw about 5 vehicles. That's it! We walked by the lighthouse with the sweeping search lights. The air is salty and moist. We walked by the boatyard. The tall masts were clanking and groaning in the high wind. It was magical.

Oh No! Not Again!

I had almost forgotten how bad "bad" can be. Sasha was up in the middle of the night with diarrhea -- I had just washed the comforter that lines her crate. Big yuck. Then early this morning we were woken up again by a terrible stink -- another round, this time on the floor, under the crate, on the crate, on her. Needless to say I am not in a good mood. I was outside with the hose and got soaked -- it's cold here -- while trying to clean the liner and crate itself. The she needs a bath. Good thing she has been interested in getting in the shower with me. I hauled her in and it was actually much easier to stand with her in the shower together than to manage her in the tub by herself.

My sister stopped by this morning. She pointed out that I am on vacation with no timetable to arrive on the Cape and that a good Buddhist would realize that everything passes and none of this really matters -- but I'm not in that head space! She asked if it would be helpful if I sit in meditation -- no! no! no!

A few more tasks and I'll be on my way -- but will have lunch with Lucy before heading out. I am very much looking forward to spending time with my aunty. Much of the extended family is expected for Thursday. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year.

Golden Shower

Sasha provides many entertaining stories, and yesterday was no exception. I took her for a walk in the woods as we usually do. Now that she's with me, I am not so afraid of getting lost and taking unknown trails. (Metaphor?) In fact I have decided to learn every trail in the area. We went for quite a long walk, about an hour out. I really had to pee, so walked off the trail. Of course she followed right along. I dropped my gloves and hat and she made as if to grab them. She loves to take my things and run around. I stepped on them and thinking I was all set, began to pee. She got curious, and before I knew what was happening, was right under me. I inadvertently peed all over her head -- and then she began to lick it (not me, the pee). I was laughing so hard I almost fell over. It is true -- labs will eat and drink anything.

I am spending time in my studio here as well. I started an oil painting last spring but didn't get very far with it. It is 60" x 15". I started back to work on it recently and am having fun with it. I have sort of abandoned painting in favor of collage, but am happy to be doing both now. I love the smell, and going into the studio in the morning to see what I did the night before. Very satisfying.

Mark and I will drive back to Boston tonight, then tomorrow I'll drive to Cape Cod to spend the week with my aunt. At age 81 she is finally relinquishing the holiday tasks and has asked me to do the shopping. And cleaning. And cooking. It is my pleasure to help her in any way possible. She has been untold generous in every way for so many years with all of us "kids". She delights when I prepare unusual food for her, and this week will be no exception. She is very excited by the promise of baked stuffed pumpkin.

Upside Down Trees

I took this photograph last Saturday at MassMOCA. It is a permanent installation of upside down planted trees. I went with another friend a few years ago and she said that some people think it's "plant abuse" to force trees to grow upside down. I think it's quite interesting visually.

Mark and I arrived out West well after sunset. But since the sun sets about 4:30pm these days, everything is after sunset. In any case, it was just at freezing. I took Sasha out for another night walk, unfortunately this time without Irene. The moon was relatively full and very, very bright. So we didn't need a flashlight, although I brought along a huge heavy one just in case. What would I do, whack a coyote over the head with it? Mark was nervous that we might encounter unfriendly critters. I'm pretty fearless these days. Having cancer puts "risk" into perspective. I often tell him that I'd rather get eaten by a bear in the woods or run over by a car while biking than a lingering painful death in bed. So that's a weird silver lining to having cancer. We walked a full hour without encountering a car. It was beautiful and brisk.

We have no plans this weekend which is unusual. I am looking forward to spending time in the studio and woods. The sky is leaden and we are expecting snow showers. We are snug in our little house in the woods.

Sleek Giselle

Sasha's puppy sitter, Jen, has a wonderful sense of humor. We met just once when we all "interviewed" each other prior to her starting to take care of Sasha in late August. Every day we write a note back and forth about how Sasha is doing. A couple of doting aunties. A few days ago I commented that she had lost a little weight, and asked Jen if she thought Sasha is now svelte. She wrote back, "Very sleek! I think she grew 2 inches since last week. She's turning into a supermodel. Look out, Giselle!".

I'm on vacation next week -- and will spend the weekend out West with Mark, then will spend the week on Cape Cod with my beloved 81 year old auntie. One of the things I want to do is teach her (and me) to run alongside my bike. My neighbor Matt does it -- it looks rather dangerous -- but I want to give it a try. She needs more exercise, I think. I don't have a lot of time during the week, so though I'd get more bang for the buck if I can bike and she can run. I will practice on my aunt's long driveway and if that goes well, will take her to the bike trail that goes for miles and miles. My niece Kelsey will arrive on Tuesday and she is a marathon runner. She is really excited to take Sasha running with her. Puppy, puppy, puppy.

I will meet Lynn in the studio today. The newspaper in my town is going to write a story about The War and Peace Project (the opening is 2 weeks away) and may send a photographer over there today. Very fun.

3 Nights With Narayan

Today is Mark's birthday. He is 54. We usually take the day off from work and spend it together, doing nothing but playing. Somehow this year my work schedule got filled early so I didn't have time to block it. So -- alas -- we will both work today but will do something special over the weekend. I took this crazy photograph last weekend at MassMOCA. It is an installation at the entrance.

Last night I went to a dharma talk by Narayan. My sister Amy went with me. That is really a special event, to go out with her anywhere -- without the Angels. The title was "Anger: Wisdom and Delusion". The house was packed. I've never seen it so full. She is very popular. I saw another attendee who was at a Narayan workshop a few months ago -- the one who said that we are all on the Narayan Love Train. Yes indeed. Amy arrived a bit late so sat on the bare wooden floor. The format is 45 minutes of seated meditation, then an hour dharma talk, followed by 30 minutes of question and answer. What a great week -- to be with Narayan 3 nights in a row! She is the real deal. She is absolutely illuminated from within. She radiates love and kindness. She inspires so many of us to transform, to know into our true nature.