A successful surgery

It's 3:30pm and I'm home already. Mark, Lucy and I walked to the hospital at 9:30 this morning. The only snag was my refusal to follow the rules completely. We woke up before the 6am alarm and Mark brought me coffee in bed. Just as I like it -- with whole milk from the dairy out west. I was asked many times what I'd consumed since midnight. I finally "confessed" to the anesthesia attending and for a minute there she was deciding whether I could even do the surgery. I am so foolish! Milk is considered a "solid" and there was a slight risk that I could vomit during surgery and aspirate.

Jeff had spoken with the director of ambulatory anesthesia and they were indeed expecting me. I am sure that all patients are treated very well, but wow, I certainly got the royal treatment. The anesthesiologist taking care of me was exceptional. I've been a "hard stick", but he slid the needle right in. I was joking about getting Michael Jackson medication. He said, yes, that's included in the cocktail.

We took a cab home, then went for a tiny walk, just passing a few houses. Mark is the ultimate caretaker, so I'm parked with everything I need. The incision on my neck is impressive - about 3 inches long on the left side. Lucy said I look like I got into a knife fight. I'm a little hoarse and can't turn my neck much. A little pain, not too bad. The surgeon told me that after they removed the tumor, they checked the blood calcium levels when I was still asleep. The number dropped perfectly, so he knows that he got the culprit. He also told me it is definitely not cancer; he can tell from the shape. It will still be sent to pathology but I am confident it's fine.

I'm still pretty spaced out so visits today aren't probably a good idea, but if you live local and want to stop by tomorrow, please do. I'm a little hoarse to phone calls are probably best starting tomorrow, too. Again, many, many thanks for all the love and support around this surgery.

I took the photo of Lucy and Mark as we were leaving the house to walk to the hospital, and Mark took the photo of me as the surgeon was drawing on my neck, deciding on where he would make the incision. I will spare my readers an image of my neck -- it's kind of scary looking. I hope it doesn't traumatize The Angels when they come by tomorrow!

Osamu Tezuka

I was at the library recently and noticed that they now carry graphic novels. I'm getting pretty excited about this genre. I looked through their collection, and happened upon this fantastic booked entitled "Buddha". The image is from the cover of the original book, and here is a blurb from Wikipedia about the author, Dr. Osamu Tezuka. He was a Japanese manga artist, animator, producer and medical doctor, although he never practiced medicine. He is best known as the creator of Astro Boy and Kimba the White Lion. He is often credited as the "Father of Anime", and is often considered the Japanese equivalent to Walt Disney, who served as a major inspiration during his formative years. His prolific output, pioneering techniques, and innovative redefinitions of genres earned him such titles as "the father of manga" and "the god of manga".

We had a really fun weekend with Suzanne. She left early afternoon, back to her NYC life. Today we went for a long walk, worked in the studio and picked vegetables for the vegetable soups and salads that we share a passion for.

So tomorrow is the big day... Say a prayer at 11:20am tomorrow! I feel comfortable and hopeful that it will be an easy recovery and that I'll feel much better. As far as surgeries, it is one of the simplest. Cynthia told me that her father used to say, "what is the definition of minor surgery?". Answer: "someone else's".

We'll pick up Ashley on the drive down the dirt road, and we'll all return to the city together. She will be with us for just 2 more nights. We'll miss her as she has brought such life and light to our house. I have a very strong feeling that we will continue to be good friends for a long time to come.

Barn cats

Suzanne drove up from NYC this morning. It's been 2 years since she's visited us here, although Lucy and I saw her in February when we took the bus to NYC. We've been friends for 25 years now; we met while working at a software company in Cambridge in the early 1980's. Lucy worked there, too. As did Claude and Cory, and others who we are still in touch with.

We spent the day mostly outside. I took this picture of her at an organic farm where they sell eggs, beef, maple syrup and milk. Suzanne love cats and she drew them to her. She was playing with one, when another came flying out through a high barn window, startling all of us.

Before she arrived, I spent time harvesting a bounty in the garden. I wore a rain jacket only. It felt so free, no clothes, just enjoying the light rain and cool temperature. I'm feeling very happy and free lately. Meditation has been beautiful -- I am experiencing a little bit of that sense of expansiveness again. I sit like a Buddha -- I feel stable, regal and peaceful. It's been really good lately.

Karma wrote yesterday to say that Jeff has been in touch with the chief of ambulatory anesthesia at the Brigham and Women's Hospital. He is very well connected and at each surgery has made sure that I am well taken care of. I have no problem with special care! I am grateful and so appreciate how thoughtful and loving my friends are.

Suzanne and I went for a 4 mile walk today and my body is feeling pretty good. Many, many blessings.

Lourdes' Last Day

Today was Lourdes' last day at the clinic. Here is a photo that another staff member took of us today. Her leaving marks the end of an era. She started at the clinic/hospital 23 years ago but has decided to strike out and move into a different hospital system. I have been at the clinic for 10.5 years, but by Lourdes' standard, I am still a newcomer. We have had different kinds of relationships over the year, including her position as team leader, supervisor, colleague and friend. I have teased her, calling her an "anchor store", using terminology from commercial real estate. I will miss her.

Tonight we drove out west with Ashley. She grew up on this dirt road. We have had a really fun week together. She is very entertaining and makes both Mark and me laugh constantly. One question she posed tonight was, "if you could do anything, even if it's not realistic, what would you do?". I surprised her by telling her that since I was about 7 years old, my fantasy has been to be a go-go dancer in a cage suspended from the ceiling. While wearing hotpants and white go-go boots. She thought that was awesome! Mark and I tend to listen to NPR news -- so she is very refreshing. We'll pick her up on Sunday evening and drive back to the city together. She will stay with us a few more nights until she can move into her apartment on 9/1.

Suzanne is driving up from NYC tomorrow to spend the weekend with us.

I'm feeling very steady about the surgery on Monday. Having had 2 other major surgeries this year, I have a sense of what to expect so feel no fear around it. Mark and I were musing that only 1 person has made a "new age" comment about what it means to have a problem in your throat/neck, i.e. a problem in my throat is "saying" what I can't otherwise express. Just like having a problem in your breast means unresolved mother issues. I hate those kinds of comments. I just think that our human bodies aren't built to last and that given the "right" mix of genetics, environmental exposure, normal aging and whatever else, the body falls sick. It's not one's fault, it's not unresolved emotional issues. It's a mystery and it happens. As the Buddha said 2,500 years ago, we are all going to age, get sick and die. The question is how to live with as much compassion and peace as possible. The 4 qualities to foster are love, compassion, joy and equanimity.

Homegrown

I took this photo on 8/15 when I was taking my "constitutional", i.e. the 4 mile walk along the dirt road. I am always taking photographs out there -- I can't get enough of the country scenes. I especially like old tractors.

This morning as I was biking to work I was reflecting on the many blessings in my life. For breakfast I had homemade granola, homemade yogurt and homegrown blueberries. I thought -- it doesn't get much better than this. Mark was teasing me, saying that at this point, I might as well give up on the healthy food and have bacon and eggs for breakfast. I countered that I might as well start smoking again as well.

The ride to work was really challenging. I thought, oh no, I'm really weak. As I got ready to bike home tonight, I realized that the front tire was basically stuck to the brake! My bike hasn't had any maintenance in several years and the brakes are totally rusty. So good -- that was the problem!

Tonight we're taking Ashley out for Mexican food. We had considered going to the JFK Library for the memorial service for Ted Kennedy, but have decided against going. So it will be a simple night out instead, just dinner in the neighborhood,

Ashley

Here is a photo I took on Sunday of Ashley, her "mana" Karen {on left} and Sayword. This was as we were leaving her house to drive into Boston. It has been really fun to have her here. She is loving her City Year orientation week. She wakes up sunny in the morning and loves to share stories at the end of the day. She will be with us through Monday when her apartment becomes available. She will be in the city all year and I hope to see each other frequently. It's fun to have a new friend who is just 19.

I got a call from the pre-surgery department at the Brigham and Women's Hospital today. I did a little phone interview which took about 10 minutes. I am scheduled for surgery at 11:20 on Monday morning. Please send prayers! The best part is that I can have clear liquids up to 4 hours prior -- which means I can have coffee in the morning! I told Mark that we'll have to brew up a good batch and be done drinking it by 7:20. How kooky I am -- to be focused on the coffee rather than the surgery! I was told to arrive 2 hours before surgery. Which will give enough time for the usual morning routine of meditation and yoga.

I'll take all next week off (medical leave) and the following week as well (vacation). This time I don't feel the need to be so special, to recover super fast and get back on my yoga mat and all that. I will be a little easier, take my time. My sister will be back from her summer on the Cape by then, Lucy will be in town, Mark will be with me, I will have lots of support.

Let's do this thing already.

1 Year Survivor/Last Captive Angel

One year ago today I got the phone call that changed my life. I've always heard about that sort of thing and thought it was a little dramatic. But now I can attest that one phone call really can change everything.

On Sunday August 16 last year Mark and I had driven back to the city from our little refuge out west. I was lying in bed, pressing on my skin to see if I had taken too much sun. I noticed a big lump on top of my right breast, about 1 o'clock. I thought, that's weird. Where did that come from? I also thought -- I'll just ignore it. It's probably nothing. The next morning I decided to tell Mark about it. He said, "go call your doctor right now". I thought -- I don't want to be an alarmist and complain about what is probably nothing. But I called. I was given an appointment for the next week. Later that morning I got a call from my doctor's office that she wanted to see me the next day. By the 25th I had had a mammogram, ultrasound and breast biopsy. On the 25th my primary care doctor called to say the biopsy showed that I had invasive ductal carcinoma and ductal carcinoma in situ. And then I went down the rabbit hole.

Right now I'm focused on the surgery scheduled for Monday 8/31.

Today I had lunch with Lucy -- we reflected on how this whole scenario began. Lucy was one of the very first people who knew about the lump. She has been an absolute steadfast friend.

Tonight I went to see "Yoo Hoo, Mrs. Goldberg" with my psychiatrist friend, Marcia. We went to a Jewish deli for a light meal before the show.

It is really fun having Ashley here. She had her first day as a City Year volunteer today and it went well.

Today's images are taken from my sketchbook. I did both of them on 8/25/08, out back with the Angels. One of the has a title, "Last Captive Angel". That's how I felt that day.

Cannolis in the North End

This quote came in today's daily feed from Tricycle.com. For the first time, this teaching really rang true. I have resisted this idea for such a long time. But for whatever reason, I had an "ah ha" moment as I read it.

"You should train yourself: Even though I may be sick in body, my mind will be free of sickness. That's how you should train yourself.... And how is one sick in body but not sick in mind? There is the case where an instructed noble disciple ... does not assume the body to be the self, or the self as possessing the body, or the body as in the self, or the self as in the body. He is not obsessed with the idea that "I am the body" or "The body is mine." As he is not obsessed with these ideas, his body changes and alters, but he does not fall into sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair over its change and alteration. This is how one is sick in body but not sick in mind."

- The Buddha, Tricycle Fall 1997

I was doing my yoga practice this morning and was feeling so discouraged. My body has changed so much over the last year. On Mondays I practice backbends, and today was no exception. Backbends have always been hard for me, but this redefines "difficult". I haven't been able to kick up into a handstand or forearm balance for several months now, and can push up just a few inches in a full backbend from the floor. It's hard, being "happy" in this new body. While I am hopeful about the surgery, it is still not going to "fix" me. Reading this passage immediately after practice was really helpful -- it helped me remember that I am not my body and am not defined by how well I do yoga poses.

We're enjoying Ashley. We went out tonight with the intention of seeing a film but it was sold out. She has spent very little time in a big city so it's been fun showing her around. On a whim we decided to take the train downtown to the North End for cannolis and pizza. We saw a performer, a woman totally covered in silver. She stands completely still and makes subtle moves from time to time. I took Ashley's picture on her cell phone which she sent to her grandmom. We walked through the Holocaust Memorial.

Today's image is a new collage entitled "Primo". I finished it a few weeks ago. It's about 14 inches tall and 6 inches wide.

Tomorrow is my 1st anniversary. I was diagnosed 8/25/08. I can now say that I have "survived" 1 year. You count from the day of initial diagnosis. What a year it's been.

Art and Artist

Maureen sent this image. When she was here last weekend, she asked if she could buy this painting. I had finished it Saturday morning, just before she arrived. It is 20" x 20". Mo had the idea to photograph me with the painting. We had just been swimming and I had on my bathing suit. I noticed that as I held up the painting, it covered most of me. So I decided to lose the bikini top and pose like this. Mark was surprised and amused. I think he was surprised that I would bare my scar to her with such abandon.

I often paint in pairs, and am still working on the partner to this piece. The title is "Talk More", just like the image of Mo that I posted last weekend.

This week we will have a guest. Ashley is the granddaughter of Karen, our friend and neighbor. Ashley needs a place to stay in Boston until her apartment is available 9/1. She will be in the city for the next year. It's an easy way to lend a helping hand, and we are happy to help out. I remember being that age (20 or so) and how much I needed and appreciated other grown-ups helping me. Somehow I have become a grown-up myself. Comes a time. We'll pick up Ashley on our way back to the city this evening.

Funny Mr. Rooster

We drove out west last night, just after work, as is our usual routine. We met up with Karma and Jeff for dinner. They are excellent restaurant scouts, and we always eat well when we go out together. We were in the least likely place on the face of the earth for the most excellent sushi. In a strip mall in western Massachusetts. Go figure!

Today I spent in the gardens. The harvest is impressive. Even though it was extremely humid and rather hot, I was very happy, pulling up beans, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, radishes, greens. We're having a new deck built -- it really feels like we're putting out stake in the ground out here. Mark spent much of the day designing the lighting and railings. Can't wait until it's done. I grew up in rural Iowa, and while the landscape is quite different, this area reminds me of Iowa. I am re-living the childhood I never had, here in the country. This time it's a happy one.

Here is a picture I took on my walk last weekend. This is a very aggressive rooster. I can't remember his name. Whenever I walk by, he rushes out, then walks along with me for the length of his yard. I've never seen a rooster behave like that before. Kind of dog-like. I'm not sure if he is wanting company or daring me to go into his yard. It makes me laugh every time I see him. He's a funny creature.

Tonight neighborhood friends are having a party for their daughter who is leaving this week for college. Otherwise we're just spending the weekend on the hill. We love it here.

Slam Dunk

Slam Dunk -- that's how my endocrine surgeon described my procedure scheduled for 8/31. He called this evening to discuss my test results from yesterday. He said that the 2 studies coincided well and that it would be an easy procedure for him. He said that I will feel better immediately -- even the same day as the surgery, in spite of the anesthesia. He said that a recent patient was so depressed that she couldn't get out of bed (hyperparathyroidism affects your nervous, bone and muscular systems), but that immediately after the surgery she felt fine again. Another couldn't walk without a cane and arrived in a wheelchair. She walked out of the surgery without the cane or the wheelchair. Can we do it tomorrow? His secretary had told me I'd be out of work for 1-2 weeks; he said that was totally unnecessary and that they just write the orders that way in case patients want to take some time off with a good excuse. I am feeling very optimistic about this.

The photo here is of Chris, taken last March. I am using this image as I forgot my camera tonight, and was in East Boston at an opening at Atlantic Works Gallery. I hadn't seen Chris much all summer so it was good to re-connect. We were studio mates for a few years starting in 2003. We met at her thesis show for her MFA at Boston University. I went into the show and fell in love with her work. I went back a second time to see it again and we met. I went back a third time, and Chris was there again. We struck up a friendship and eventually there was a space available in the building, and she invited me to share with her. We've been friends ever since. I still love her work. Tonight she was working on some very small pieces to take with her for a show in Taiwan next month.

If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck...

Today was a medical marathon. I started by myself at 8:30am with the parathyroid CT scan. Same as last time, but this time the radioactive injection went in easily. They didn't charge me for this repeat test. I got shot up, then was on the scanner for 10 minutes, then another 10 minutes. I had a break for 1.5 hours, so I walked to Vanessa's and visited her and my god-daughter who is now 8 months old. Then back to the hospital, where I did another 10 minute scan, followed by another 10 minute scan, and finished with a 25 minute scan. Fortunately I remembered to take my i-pod so the time went quickly. I'll speak to the surgeon tomorrow to see what he thinks about that set of tests.

Next it was over to the Dana Farber for my regular monthly visit. Today I met with "the other Anne", the nurse practicioner. The Vixen is on vacation this week and next. I had a hard time at today's consultation and was glad that Mark went with me. I cried while telling her how awful I've been feeling over the last month. She assured me that my blood tests all looked fine and attributes my symptoms to "stress". I am approaching the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis (8/25) and let's just say it's been quite a year. While I didn't particularly like what she said, of course it's better than active cancer... I've been handling this pretty well over the last year, but I'm getting pretty fed up. Mark says he's afraid I'll have a medical mutiny. At least every 2 months there has been a new significant treatment or problem...

Here is Paula my fabulous nurse. She gives me the injection and infusion every month. For whatever reason, Mark asked if he could remove the butterfly needle. To my great surprise, she said he could. Mark has really steady hands and is able to manage fine motor skills. He would be great in the medical profession as he is so calm and steady.

Then it was back to the other hospital for an ultrasound on my parathyroid. I've never had that done before. It was quick and non-invasive and non-toxic. Mark was able to stay in the room. He took the image of me on the table. The technician was out of central casting. She told us that she found a 3 cm gland, on the upper left side. That's about 1.5 inches, the same size as my original breast tumor. That's huge! No wonder my calcium levels are high. A normal parathyroid gland is the size of a grain of rice. She said, "if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it's a duck. You have an enormous parathyroid gland in there. Any idiot could see it from across the room. They'll pluck it out and you will be a good as new. A friend's father had that surgery and the next day he was mowing the grass." She was gruff and hilarious. We got a good laugh out of her.

Tomorrow I should speak with the surgeon.

Let's Go To The Mall!

We're in the middle of a heat wave here in Boston. The city has declared a "heat emergency" which always seems like a strange reason to declare an emergency. Anyway, I proposed to Mark that we go to a mall tonight for dinner. He thought I was kidding as I disdain mall culture which always includes chain restaurants. But off we went to Cheesecake Factory, of all places. Michael Polland would not be impressed (author of The Omnivore's Dilemna). It was perfect.

Paula and I spoke today in the late afternoon, and she sent this image of her first ice cream cake. Looks good!

Tomorrow is a big medical day. Hopefully the tests for my parathyroid problem will be definitive and the surgery will be soon. My body is feeling weak and vulnerable. The surgeon said that I will feel like a million bucks soon after the procedure -- it should take care of the fatigue and weakness.

500 Days of Summer

Kerplunk, back to work today. It was frightfully uneventful.

The highlights would be walking to the library at lunch and picking up another Randy Wayne White book. This is his first, "Sanibel Flats". I tend to read everything by a fiction writer if I like them. So I'm looking forward to another mystery. I also started one of the early books by Jack Kornfield, "A Path With Heart", a few days ago. How is that for a wide reading range.

After work I went to the early show of "500 Days of Summer". I thought it was actually pretty terrible and wouldn't recommend it, even as a rental. I rarely walk out of a film, but today I was tempted to do so. Boring story and nothing particularly interesting visually. A pretty uninspiring day.

Talk Much

Maureen arrived yesterday mid-afternoon -- we've had a wonderful time. We met in Cambridge many years ago, back in 1983, just after college. We worked for separate companies that shared an open floor plan. There are a whole crowd of us who still keep in touch -- Claude, Paula, Lisa and Lindsay. Maureen reminds me that I taught her about the wonders of eyeliner. The photo here was taken in Cooperstown, NY. It kind of sums up our experience of the last day or so -- lots of catching up.

The last time we saw each other was 2 days after I was diagnosed last August. Lisa and Paula were with us as well.

We recall going for a walk at lunch every day, asking ourselves what we were doing with our lives. I called it my daily existential daily crisis. It's now 26 years later and while some questions are answered, we still have lots of them.

Today was extremely hot here so we spent the afternoon at a pond just over the Vermont line. We met up with Karen and her granddaughter Ashley over there. A perfect way to spend a really hot August day. I am a poor swimmer but enjoyed the water by using a lifesaver. Again, an over-sized kid.

Wednesday is a big medical day for me. I'll have the usual monthly visit with The Vixen, plus 2 more tests to confirm the suspected parathyroid condition. Big breath.

The Principles of Uncertainty

Lucy lent me this book and I started reading it yesterday. It is hard to describe -- it's kind of a graphic novel but not really. It's illustrated vignettes of Life's Big Questions. The author is the illustrator of The Elements of Style by William Strunk, Jr. and E.B. White. There is about one little story per month and it was written over the course of 1 year. I want to read more about her and the book but haven't done so yet.

Besides being quirky and cool, her book got me thinking about a writing/illustration project of my own. I've been writing this blog for almost a year, and have kept a diary since I was 10 years old. (Although I don't have any prior to age 18 as my step-mother didn't include them in the boxes she left on the front door when she threw us out when I was 17.) But I have years of journal, some illustrated, from that time. I also have dozens of paintings and sketch books. Why not? So this is just a seed at this time, but I think I want to pursue it.

Last week in meditation class I went off on a fantasy (who doesn't drift off during meditation??). I thought -- wouldn't it be a cool idea to write a book with Narayan? Kind of like Tuesdays With Morrie. A series of questions and answers from a (dying?? chronically ill? serious?? dharma student. I don't think I am dying, really, but the statistics are grim. (Although sometimes I do wonder about my health -- I feel pretty weak and vulnerable -- I hope that the parathyroid surgery will alleviate those symptoms.)

So I'm beginning to think more seriously about how I might approach this. The Maira Kalman book has certainly gotten to think about it more. Yesterday I told Lucy about this idea -- I even have a working title, "The Accidental Spiritual Seeker". Kind of like "The Accidental Tourist". I never, ever intended to get on a spiritual path. In the early years of yoga practice I focused exclusively on the physical postures, the asanas. It's almost as if I have been pulled towards it (spirituality), rather than seeking it out.

Six Flags New England

Another great day. How will I ever go back to work full-time?

This morning Jenny visited with her 2 little girls. We used to work together at the clinic where I have remained. We hadn't seen each other in about 4 years. She worked in the clinic for 5 years, then spent 4 years in Italy. She has been back in western Massachusetts for the last year or so. Her little ones are adorable. We spent a lot of time picking raspberries, tomatoes and beans. They were particularly enthusiastic about digging up the radishes.

Last night Lucy had mentioned that she was going to Six Flags today with her grandkids. As it turned out, the timing was good so I was able to go along with them. Her grandkids are terrific. The boy is 12, the twins are 10. We rode all the big rides. I haven't been to a place like that in many years. We had a blast. Sometimes I feel like an overgrown kid -- in a good way. I bonded with the kids, and already we are talking about going back next year. The twins are just a little too small for the biggest rides, but they assure me that they will grow a few inches by next summer so they can go on all of them. My throat is sore from screaming and hollering. I have always loved to be upside down, flipping sideways or whichever way a ride goes.

I drove home tired and deeply satisfied. I was in the truck with the windows rolled down, listening to John Coltraine on the local NPR station and enjoying the smell of late summer hayfields. This has been an absolutely wonderful week.

Tomorrow I'm expecting Maureen to drive up from Philly after dropping off her son for his first year of college.

Dinner at Lucy's

I had a wonderful day. It's really nice not to go to work! I was alone here all day on the hill. In the past, I dreaded being alone. It's still not my preference, but I am learning to enjoy my own company. My basic day goes like this: coffee, meditation and yoga, walking, gardening, painting, cooking.

I am almost finished with a diptych, each canvas measuring 24" x 24". I have started a new diptych, each canvas measuring 12" x 36". This second set was inspired by a crushed daddy long-legs that Ellis found on the front porch when he visited a few weeks ago. (Ellis is 4 and fascinated by dead bugs. I am 48 and fascinated by the shape, the lines of about anything.) I have wanted to move into 3-dimensional work, and am starting a new project now. I am using an old wooden box that was used to carry carpenter tools. Mark sawed off the edges, leaving an empty tall box. I envision painting it and incorporating catalytic converter covers that I find on the streets. I have a fascination with those, too.

Tonight Lucy and Rick invited Karma, Jeff and me to their place. Here they are on the deck, enjoying appetizers and drinks as the sun went down. We have gotten together as a group a few times now, and it really works. Great food, great conversation. From the very personal to the philosophical to politics. Health care reform, Eckhart Tolle, organic gardening. We kind of cover it all in the course of an evening.

A really wonderful day.

More Furlough

Mark and I drove out west this morning. We had intended to drive out last night after meditation class but it felt too late. I will stay through Sunday at the house. Mark will attend a 5-day zen archery retreat. We'll meet here on Sunday and will drive back to the city together. I'm here with the unreliable truck, so probably won't venture too far out.

Mark bought me a tiny computer this week, an eee-PC. It's amazing how cheap they are these days -- I think it was only about $300. So now when I travel around I won't have to ask others to use theirs. It's the size and weight of a hardcover book.

Last night was the 5th and final meditation class with Narayan and Michael. It was a wonderful series. I spoke to Narayan again briefly last night. I had an unusual meditation experience yesterday morning and wanted to ask if it was "normal". At the beginning it was lovely, sending metta to myself, then to her. When I work with "all beings" I can get a little overwhelmed. I was silently repeating the phrases (may all beings be safe and protected, etc.) when I began to experience what I can only describe as my energy body beginning to expand. The more I focused on sending love to "all", the more my sense of "self" diminished, and with each breath I felt I expanded out even more. It was wild. Not really scary, just intense.

I was eager to ask her about it last night. She kind of laughed and said, "maybe there should be some kind of disclaimer when people start to meditate. One can experience an infinite number of different states, some pleasant, some unpleasant, some neutral. What you describe suggests that you have developed a lot of samadhi (concentration in this tradition, not enlightenment as in the yoga tradition). I promise you that nothing bad will happen. All this is totally normal. The most important thing is how you relate to it, not what you experience per se."

Of course I find her always reassuring. She is offering a weekend workshop in late September that I and my sister want to take. I can't get enough of her. Her energy is amazing.

The gardens are in full abundance. Zucchini, anyone? I picked lots of blueberries and raspberries this afternoon. It is peaceful here. I feel lucky to be able to spend time in such a special place.

I will see friends, but will be here a lot by myself as well. In the summer I tend to be outside and don't paint much. My studio calls.

Kayaking with Auntie

One of my favorite Cape Cod activities is kayaking with my aunt Marty. We went out together today, the first time for her this season. It's something that we both really enjoy -- and enjoy doing together. She is 80 now and with the death of my mother's sister a few weeks ago, she is even more precious to me. I actually had a wonderful weekend. My uncle and I kept a safe distance with some cordial comments sprinkled in. I slept the first night in a dirty, stinky garage as there were no more beds available. He set up a reading light for me which was a nice gesture. I made the family time about connecting with everyone else.

My cousin Jennifer has 8 kids, the youngest is an 8 year old girl. She and I were big buddies all day yesterday as her older siblings all went tuna fishing. She practiced yoga with me, we cooked, baked, painted a floorcloth and visited some friends who are local artists. She -- and I -- had a wonderful time time. I am happy to have connected with her, and not to let one sour apple spoil the whole bushel.

This week my metta practice is focused on all beings. I decided to work with families. Even within my extended family, there is much, much suffering. One of my cousin's sons is in a wheelchair following a catastrophic car accident a few years ago. He is 20 years old. I went in his room a few times which is attached to a first floor bathroom, and I was sobered by observing all his medical equipment, drugs and paraphernalia. My heart ached for him. As well as for his parents, his brother, and all of us who know and love him. Last night I practiced at dusk while on the dock. It was a first-time experience, meditating outside. It was really wonderful. I hope that my practice is now back on track. It was a difficult month or so, but it's feeling right again now.

This week I'll work Monday and Tuesday, then will spend the rest of the week out west. Mark is going to archery training so I'll be by myself a few days. A friend from Philadelphia will be joining me on Saturday. I hope to ride horses with Karma and Jeff, and to meet up with Lucy. They are all out there for these glorious end-of-summer days.

Randy Wayne White

So far so good. Jules and I spent the early afternoon together with lunch and a walk to the beach. We have been friends for 31 years. We met in my last year of high school when we (my brother, sister and I) moved in with my aunt and uncle. Jules and I often say we don't know how we would have survived that year without each other when we were both transfer students to the tiny private high school we attended. Jules knows my family for all these years, and provided some helpful insights about how to manage these few days with my family (really just my uncle).

I breathed deeply as I crossed the bridge, approaching my aunt's house. When I arrived the house was empty -- they were all out on the boats. I sat down by the pool which is just feet away from the pond which flows out to the ocean. I'm reading a ridiculous book, "Dead Silence" that I'm enjoying enormously. I'm a book snob and never read thrillers, mysteries or anything like that. This book is totally mainstream, a thriller, and I'm loving it.

We are a group of 17 so it's been easy to blend in with the crowd. I hadn't seen this side of the family in 2 years since attending their mother's funeral. My aunt Barbara was my dad's sister. My cousin Jennifer and I took a walk last night with one of her daughters and we had a chance to remember her mom together. It was poingnant and lovely.

Painting placemats

Here is the placemat that my sister painted. Today I put acrylic medium on all of them, to seal and protect them.

It's time to shift over to my aunt's house. She has a full house with most of my cousins and their kids. Maybe 15-20 people, something like that. Before I go, I will meet Jules for lunch. It's a beautiful, perfect day, so we plan to walk on the beach.

Mark says that I should stay at a bed and breakfast. But I'm going to give it a shot -- to stay in the house with everyone else. Metta to me!

I've had really wonderful meditations the last few days since I put down Eckhart Tolle. Yesterday I finished a week of sending metta to my uncle. Now we'll really put it to the test! It's one thing to practice on the cushion, and a sometimes totally different story in the "real" world.

Cape Cod Hospital

Yesterday we had a lovely day -- swimming lessons in the morning, making yogurt, painting placemats on a big tarp in the back yard. In the morning I had noticed that my right ankle was swollen -- by mid-afternoon it was huge. This has been happening on and off since my flight back from Brazil in early June, but never so swollen. I showed my sister and she said I should call my oncologist. I called and was told to go to the closest ER immediately -- she feared that I might have a blood clot and was at risk of stroke. So we got the kids into the car and off we went. I was definitely freaked out. I got an x-ray and ultrasound of the veins of my right leg, and everything was fine. So they attribute this swelling to the Tamoxifen.

The hospital itself was excellent. We were in and out within 3 hours. The attending was Dr. James Rodrigues, pictured here. I felt well attended to. As we drove up, Luke said he wanted to go in with me. That really surprised me. Amy kept the girls -- they went downtown. He spent the whole time with me. He was a most excellent companion. He is a personable 5 year old, making friends wherever he goes. He kept reaching over to hold my hand, to say he loved me. These kids are so special to me. We really bonded over this unfortunate experience.

When I got home, I put my legs up the wall for at least 30-4o minutes. My ankle is totally fine today. Going forward, I'll practice this pose, aka viparini karani, a few times a day to avoid this happening again.

What is the Perfect Teaching?

My sister took a bus from the Cape yesterday, and we went out to dinner, followed by meditation class, then drove to the Cape together. We got here quite late. I can't remember the last time we spent such a big chunk of time together. We are super connected. Attending the meditation class has brought us even closer, as we are both exploring it deeply. We read many of the same books and it's one of our favorite discussion points.

To my great surprise and delight, Narayan approached me after class to check in. We haven't had much 1-on-1 contact of late. I told her about my recent medical situation, then we talked about my meditation struggles. She assured me that everything comes up -- all the various mind states. She said she suspected that things had shifted into more difficult territory -- I don't know how she picked that up. She strongly advised that I put down the Tolle book. She lovingly said, "stop reading that book. You don't have to finish it, and if If it's not speaking to you in a positive way, you need to put it down. A little bit of fear is OK, it can challenge you in a growing kind of way, but extreme fear is detrimental. I don't want you in that state for too long." She said that she is teaching a weekend workshop in late September, and that it would be a good next step. I continue to be amazed by her -- she cuts to the quick without me having to say too much. She "gets" me.

It is wonderful to be with the angels. Luke played the ukelele while he sang me a song this morning. Everything is fun with them -- they are curious about the Indian spices and ingredients I brought, they want to make yogurt from the farm milk. They live with such enthusiasm. They are the best teachers.

"The perfect teaching is the one before you. Richard Baker Roshi once told of a dream he had: He was trying to find the answer to a question, and the telephone rang. He ignored the phone and focused instead on the question. On the 30th ring he picked up the phone, and the answer came to him through the receiver. What he had labeled a distraction was really the point."

Dairyu Michael Wenger, Tricycle Winter 2004
image by Shayna

Furlough

The hospital where I work has asked staff to take furlough, so I have decided to take advantage of their offer. I'll take off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week, and next week as well. I'd so much rather have free time rather than money at this point in my life. My sister will come up from the Cape for tomorrow night's meditation class (#4 of 5 already), and we'll drive down together after class. I am very excited to see the kids. I haven't seen them in some weeks now. Shayna is getting to be quite chatty on the phone. When she was younger she never talked on the phone, even to her mom or dad. Sunday we talked for 9 minutes. Her mom was astounded. I spoke to her today briefly and she asked about the garden slugs.

I have also decided to spend the weekend with my extended family, including my uncle. I approach with much trepidation, but I really want to see everyone else. My aunt told me last night there almost everyone will be there -- I'd hate to miss it. I have been sending with metta to him all week. It's a really hard practice -- I can feel my heart constrict when I think of him. I hope this not an error in judgment. He is usually well-behaved in large groups. The only real risk is if he calls me aside for a "little chat". I will try to be respectful yet keep a safe distance.

Here's a photo of my perennial border in it's full late summer glory.

Self is a Verb

I love this explanation. It came in today's Tricycle.com daily email.

"The practice of mediation invites us to investigate the flux of rising and passing events. When we get the hang of it, we can begin to see how each artifact of the mind is raised and lowered to view, like so many flash cards. But we can also glimpse, once in a while, the sleight of hand shuffling the cards and pulling them off the deck. Behind the objects lies a process. Self is a process. Self is a verb."

Andrew Olendzki, Tricycle, Summer 2005

Some years ago I took a week-long class at Barre Center for Buddhist Studies in Barre, MA. Andrew was the main instructor. The course was about Buddhist psychology. It was really excellent. The Center shares grounds with the Insight Meditation Center. One of these days, when I am understanding "self" and "non-self" a little better, I will go there to take a retreat.

The garden is producing like crazy. Yesterday I picked a whole bushel of green and yellow wax beans. I was like a little kid, sitting on my butt on the middle of the rows, happy to be getting muddy, sweaty and engrossed in picking beans.

This afternoon Mark introduced me to archery. He bought a set of bows and arrows in early June and has been practicing every weekend. I decided to join him today. Out of 17 arrows (1 is missing, they are in sets of 6) I got 2 on the target, most flying way to short, some going beyond. It was fun. Here is a photo of Mark taking his stance.

Slugfest

It's been a really wet summer so we haven't needed to water the garden, but now we have a new problem: the garden is full of slugs. We arrived last night and were grossed out by how many there were, particularly on the wax beans and tomatoes. Our neighbors told us to try filling shallow pans full of beer. Apparently the slugs are attracted to it, climb in, and drown. I told Shayna this story on the phone last night -- she was fascinated. So this morning we went out for supplies, and we'll put the theory into practice.

Next week I'll spend 3 days on the Cape with my sister and the angels. Last night I was asking Shayna if she'd like me to bring art supplies -- we agreed it would be fun to make placemats. So last night I stayed up late, gessoing the raw canvas in preparation for our visit. My sister and her husband and the 2 big kids have been taking ukulele lessons this summer and they are eager to play for me. Shayna has one in the shape of a pineapple. The other night I was talking to my sister on the phone; she sang while she played a song. I was so touched that it made me cry. She is following her bliss these days -- it is wonderful to watch as she shifts more and more into fully enjoying everything. Letting go of the "shoulds" and entering more into pleasure. This is one of the silver linings of my cancer -- it wakes up not just me, but others as well.

I also plan to see my aunt and "difficult" uncle on the Cape as well. My cousin will be here from Chicago with her 8 kids so it will be a kind of family reunion. To his credit, my uncle wrote me a second note this week, indicating it would be good to see me. This week I'm sending metta to him. I will try once again to spend time with him. The last time was so painful; it was last September just after I was diagnosed. I left crying, like I have so many times over the years. Each time I vow to never return, yet I miss my aunt so much. So it's really a dilemma. I'll give it yet another chance.