Namo Tassa Bhagavato Araho Sammasambuddhassa

This is the morning chant that Narayan led on both Saturday and Sunday. There is an evening chant, too. It must be in the language the Buddha spoke, Pali, although obviously in transliteration. I attended a 2-day silent retreat at the meditation center over the weekend. It was actually quite wonderful. The center is for classes only; there are no overnight accommodations. We started at 9am on Saturday morning and finished at 8pm. Sunday was a bit shorter; we started at 9:30am (a bit later due to the snow storm) and finished at 6pm.

I can hear her chanting as I write this out:
Buddham Saranam Gacchami
Dhammam Saranam Gacchami
Sangham Saranam Garrachami

Dutiyampi Buddham Saranam Gacchami
Dutiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchami
Dutiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchami

Tatiyampi Buddham Saranam Gacchami
Tatiyampi Dhammam Saranam Gacchami
Tatiyampi Sangham Saranam Gacchami


I had never chanted at the center before (it always part of the practice at Iyengar yoga) so it was a surprise. Narayan has a wonderful singing voice. I think she was a classical pianist in her youth so is gifted musically.

The retreat went well! Sitting still for hours at a time is not usually my idea of a good time. And in total silence. The only talking is during an interview with a teacher and that was 10 minutes on Sunday. I saw the first on Narayan's list; she knows what a challenge this is and wanted to make sure I was doing OK. I walked in and she said, "how's my baby?". I said, "baby is growing up". That made her laugh. She said I'll always be her "baby". In the sense that I started with her as a beginner. Not in an infantalizing way. It was really hard, even though it went well. My body was killing me! Aching shoulder and neck and pain in the knees, hips. Mark asked why I do it -- which is a good question! My intention is "to care and not to care". I want to focus on what's important and let go of all the stupid things that use energy better spent in other ways.

I plan on going every night this week (Monday through Friday 6:30pm til pm) then all next weekend. Maybe I'll be enlightened by then! (that's a joke)

Sitting Regularly

10/21/11

"Plan to sit at the same time each day. One of the benefits of doing this is that one gets to know the mind that doesn’t want to sit. Personally, I like to sit immediately upon waking up in the morning. For many people, this seems to be a good time, before we become engaged in the activities of the day. But if you have small children or a demanding job, this may not be possible. And some of us have rebellious natures, so any routine presents a problem. Then we need to be flexible."

- Narayan Liebenson Grady, "The Refuge of Sitting"

Lynn took this photo on Friday. We laid a hundred or so collages on the floor so we could see them together. We have just 75 more to go! We have completed 675 individual collages -- the final count will be 749.

This weekend I will attend a meditation retreat at the center. The program is called their "sandwich" retreat. It starts Saturday morning and runs through the evening and again on Sunday. During the weeknights, you go to the center from 6:30pm til 9pm, then again the following weekend. I plan on doing the whole thing -- quite a challenge! But if it gets to be too much, I will also give myself permission to stop at any point.

Yesterday I submitted actually work to the membership committee at a gallery that I hope to join. I am waiting with baited breath for their response.

Sasha is doing really well. Now I'm debating whether to cancel the orthopedic surgeon appointment next week. Of course she has also been on anti-inflammatory medication for a month and I wonder how she will do without it.

That's the news from here!

Roxanne

Museum of Fine Arts, Boston 10/20/11

Today I met a new friend, Roxanne. We "met" in the most interesting way -- through this blog! Roxanne is a medical writer and stumbled upon this blog a year or so ago. She was writing a story that mentioned The Vixen (my oncologist). This blog popped up and she took a look, and has been following since that time. What's disconcerting about blogging is that you have no idea who reads it. I can see how many and from which parts of the country/world, but no details. So I had no idea about Roxanne until she emailed me a few months ago. We met for the first time today and had lunch at the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston. We saw the Degas show which was rather surprising -- they showed much more than what is typically associated with him. We had a good time and will see each other early next week.

I have been posting with less regularity over the last few weeks. I think this blog has served it's purpose -- to let friends and family know how I'm doing. I feel less interested in making it a priority. While in Russia with no internet access, I felt free in a different kind of way. I spend way too much time on the computer. So I am not signing off forever. In the past I've considered stopping but kept on going with it. So feel free to check in from time to time, but unless I change my mind, I will post just occasionally. And will definitely post when I get the next scans in early January.

I am fine. The drama of the cancer has resided. This morning I was walking Sasha in the neighborhood, and ran into a neighbor. She asked about the Pan Mass Challenge, then told me about the really serious auto-immune disorder that her 4 year old daughter has. It was humbling. These days I feel like everyone else, and more fortunate than most. Just a regular person with regular struggles. So until further notice, I am signing off!

Hypnotherapy, Day 3

All I can say is that I'm glad the course is over. I tried hypnotherapy on for size, and it's definitely not for me. At the end of the day the instructors handed out certificates for level I hypnosis training. When it was my turn, I was told that they felt unable to give me one because I opted out of all the practice times, but could get a certificate if I repeat the course in the future. That felt fair and fine. All I need is a letter to state that I was in attendance so I can get reimbursed through my job.

I kept hoping that some part of it would feel right, that I could learn some new skills for work. But none of it resonated. I hung in there for 3 days straight and missed a weekend out West (huge sacrifice!). But at least I gave it a shot and stayed for the entire course.

Sasha is maybe doing a little better. Her limp is less noticeable. Although she is getting chubby. Last night Mark was packing to drive back to the city, and she got ahold of her bottle of medicine and ate the whole thing. The bottle and the pills inside. Fortunately the vet had given us 2 bottles so she was only able to eat about 4 or 5 pills. She is a little bored and restless. We have cut back on her food so she doesn't blow up like a tick, and she isn't too happy to be on short rations. Her consultation is next Tuesday. Mark and I just got back from a gallery meeting and one of the artists was telling us to beware of the hospital we are taking Sasha to. She said they were "butchers". Isn't that scary? I hope to make a good decision for her.

Hypnotherapy, Day 2

With Lucy at DeCorcova Museum 10/5/11

I was really debating whether to return to the course today, as it was so difficult yesterday. But I went back and am glad that I did. A lot about hypnotherapy is very challenging for me. I have spent years trying to get (and stay) in my body through practicing yoga, and there is a dissociative aspect of hypnosis that is scary for me. I don't like the idea that someone can suggest that my arm lift up and it does so without my conscious decision. My averse reaction also has to do with growing up with my father who really used us kids in a very manipulative way against our mother. I hate feeling manipulated in any way. Fortunately the trainers are very skilled and have totally allowed me to opt out of the practice parts. Today, however, I stepped in a bit. Cathy, the director, invited me to put her into a progressive relaxation, just the way I've been doing as a yoga teacher all these years. She gave me some helpful feedback. I told her that tomorrow I will let her do the same to me. She spent an inordinate amount of time with me and has been very patient. More and more I see a connection between what they are presenting and what I already do every day. Today she and I talked --she explained hypnosis as accessing the parasympathetic nervous system. I had an ah-ha moment. Tomorrow is the third and final day so I plan on finishing this up. Whether I continue with the weekly seminar is another question. But at least I have explored this and given it a chance.

Hypnotherapy, Day 1

Wow, today was very strange. I went to a hypnosis workshop, given by the hospital I work for. It was offered by the behavioral medicine department. It runs through Monday. I have been anxious about it since I signed up for it a week or so ago. I was envisioning the stereotype of the hypnotist using a pendulum, and the subject falling immediately into a trance. And that's exactly what happened! It freaked  me out, so much that I declined to participate in the practice session when you are paired with another attendee and practice putting each other into an "induction". No way! The whole thing is rather weird, anyway, and the thought of me putting someone into a trance when I have no idea what I'm doing? And I certainly don't want to be hypnotized, either. I thought there would be more of an emphasis on relaxation rather than the formal induction. At various times I felt curious and other times totally freaked out. I know the director a little bit and she was great about letting me opt out. I will go back tomorrow. Although I'm questioning what I'll get out of it if I don't fully participate. Maybe this isn't the "right" next step for me, either. 

Mark and Sasha are out West so the house is very quiet. I am never with Sasha unless traveling out of the country. I miss her so! Mark has been letting her run a bit in the yard and her knee bothers her when she runs too much. Something is definitely going on with that knee. The vet prescribed 3 more weeks of anti-inflammatory drugs until she sees the surgeon. Poor thing!

Last night I went to a gallery opening in the South End. I have preliminarily been accepted into a new gallery which I am thrilled about. I have to deliver some work next week so they can make sure of the quality -- sometimes work looks very different in person rather than a jpg -- but I think it will be a good move. I like the East Boston gallery because of the freedom it affords us -- but want to be in a place that has more foot traffic.

"3"

O

On Tuesday I was able to speak with Narayan a little bit before class started. I told her that I had signed up for the "sandwich" retreat which is 2 full weekends with weeknights in between. She was rather surprised! She said, "that's a big gulp". She said that she would make sure to find time for individual time together as she knows what a challenge this will be. I am really enjoying the class. The focus is "right intention". She asked us to go around the room and share our intention -- in just a few words -- with the rest of the class. Then we had small group discussion. She always gives "homework" and this week it is to set an intention for the day. As early in the day as possible. I've been doing this for several years now -- I set the intention at the end of yoga practice. My intention is to live today as fully as possible, and every day as fully as possible. I will be curious to see what others do and will find out at the next class as I'm sure she will ask us as a group.

I went to see a film last night for the first time in a long time. I saw "3" which is a German film. Mark always jokes that all the films I take him to have either gays or Nazis. Not that he objects to either. It just seems that so many "alternative" films these days have those elements. This one both. So it's a good thing that he didn't go. He is now taking Russian classes which is really cool. I help him with his homework, and learn along with him.

Sasha had her vet visit this morning. I like the vet a lot because she does not push. She definitely thinks I should take Sasha for an ortho surgery consult but that does not mean that we do anything necessarily. Just for information. I want to make sure that I'm making the best decision as I am responsible for her and don't want to do anything to cause her trouble. She is definitely getting a little bored with want of exercise. Last night I got home and she had chewed the heel off one of Mark's boots. So after the vet, we went to a pet supply and loaded up on new chewy toys. She has totally destroyed ALL of them except for the Kongs and one hard ball.

I went to see my first yoga teacher again today. She is really amazing. She teaches right around the corner. I want to study with her again. I haven't really studied with her in well over 15 years, maybe more. It feels like going home again.

Right Intention

NYC 10/7/11

Tuesdays I go to Narayan's meditation class. The theme this fall is "wise intention". It is the second of  8 aspects of the Noble Eightfold Path and falls under the category of wisdom. Last week she asked us to set an intention before we sit each day. I remember the line from TS Eliot poem Ash Wednesday that she read last summer at the 5 week course I took.

teach us how to care and not to care

So I am practicing with this intention. I spend way too much energy worrying about the wrong things. May this guide my practice! 

Under the Weather

Lola and Lynn, NYC, 10/7/11

Mark and I took a day trip to our house out West yesterday. We met with the Tibetan stone worker and are making plans to install a labyrinth for walking meditation. He is busy this fall so he may not get to it until the spring. That's OK as it will be quite expensive so we have time to save up for it. I asked that it be my holiday gift.

I went to bed last night with a stuffy head and woke up today with a full-blown head cold. We had a visitor this morning. A friend from the dog park, Beverly, came over with her dog (Sasha's best friend) Zuzu. They tore around the house and had a great time. Sasha knows her by name -- Zuzu. It was so sweet of Beverly to do that. Sasha hasn't been to the dog park for almost 2 weeks and the dogs were thrilled to play together. Beverly is of course a very cool person so it was an interesting way to socialize. We let Sasha run around yesterday for a few hours and she started to favor her back leg again. I am reading more about OCD and from what I glean, surgery is usually what is necessary. So we'll see what the vet says on Thursday.

Today I will lie low and hope to re-energize by tomorrow.

The New School

Lucy and Lynn, 5th Avenue and 13th Street, NYC

Here are Lucy and Lynn. We had just driven into NYC and were on our way to meet with the staff of The New School to plan our show for February. We left Boston at 8am and got home at midnight. It was a long day! But it was both fun and productive. We will be showing The War and Peace Project at The New School. It dovetails nicely with their year-long event which is a series of programs related to the year 1812. Much of War and Peace takes place during that year, so it is a nice fit. Plans are still preliminary but we will be opening in early February.

Besides meeting The New School staff, we walked the High Line which is a rather new park. It runs north from 14th street on the west side. An old elevated train line was converted into a park. It was clean, filled with people in late afternoon and just lovely. It connects with the new Chelsea Market which is an indoors space devoted to specialty foods and some other boutiques.

Today I've spent recovering. I woke up very tired. Mark's opening is tonight, so I've been cooking for the show per his request.

Tomorrow we'll drive out West just for the day. We will meet with a Tibetan stoneworker about building a labyrinth for walking meditation.

Sasha is doing much better. Mark says he can barely tell that she is favoring her leg. She doesn't seem to mind at all her forced captivity. She doesn't ask to go out, she is not restless. Good thing! I'll take her to the vet on Thursday for her follow-up appointment. Maybe she will be OK after all without further invention?!

Apple Bundt Cake

Lucy and I went to the Decordova Museum and Sculpture Park yesterday afternoon. We were expecting to see work by Andy Goldsworthy but I mis-read the description -- he will be doing a project in the future but they need funding for it. All that was on display was some photographs of previous work and some sketches of his idea. And a 37 minute film of a man (the artist?) lying on a cement slab while snow descended on him. I hate that kind of thing! It reminded us of the Andy Warhol film which was 8 hours of someone sleeping. Please! Really?!

Today my sister needed some help. Everyone had a medical appointment to get to and Luke injured his foot quite badly and needed to stay home from school. So he got dropped off and we spent the day together. All day! He is 7 and a lot of fun. He is the most curious kid I've ever known. We made an apple bundt cake; some collage-making in a book I bought for that purpose; lots of playing with Sasha. And of course Chinese checkers. I am a pathetic chess player and he beats me regularly. So he settled for Chinese checkers where I can give him a bit more challenge. They are all so special to me. 

And tomorrow is a road trip to New York City. Lynn, Lucy and I will drive down for the day to meet with the staff at The New School where we will have a show in February. It will be a long day, driving about 4 hours each way, but will be a lot of fun with those two.

Sasha is doing a little better. She is getting in touch with her lazy side. I thought it would drive her nuts to be so sedentary but she is calm and happy and doesn't seem to miss walking and the dog park. She still favors her right back leg. She goes back to the vet on Thursday. Hopefully she will be well enough that no further intervention is needed.

I'm an Outlier

Apple picking 9/29/11

Everything looks great. I met with the nurse practicioner Anne at the Dana Farber this morning. It was the 3-month visit which includes blood work, physical exam and injection of estrogen-blocking Lupron. She said (again) that I am an "outlier" on the bell curve of metastatic breast cancer. On the fortunate end, that is. She said that they have never had a patient go so long on the first line of treatment. It has been over 3 years now and there is no evidence of cancer. It is miraculous. I asked her why -- and of course they don't know why some people do well and others succumb and die quickly. Metastatic breast cancer is a complex illness. She thinks that it has to do with "resilience", both mental and physical. I don't know, of course, either. All I know is that the face of God is shining on me. I am so fortunate.

I celebrated by going to a yoga class at noon. I have never been to this studio before, and the teacher was Kripalu trained. It was a really excellent class. I feel strongly drawn back to yoga at this point. For many years I haven't taken any classes but have just worked on my own. But now it feels like the time to re-connect with a teacher(s) and community. It was just great - a little challenging but mostly just lovely.

And now I'm off to the Decordova Museum and Sculpture Park with Lucy. We are going to see the Andy Goldsworthy show. I have only seen his work in a documentary film and in a book so am very excited to see his actual work.

Out With the Guys

Made 10/1/11

Here is an image of the piece that I made on Saturday. It is about 9 inches tall. A few months ago I found the wood while walking along the river. The metal was a birthday gift from Tom, some wire out of his fire pit. The red mesh is from an old sander belt that I spray painted and cut into circles. And encaustic paint with graphite powder. I love working on this small scale with found objects. This arcs back to my maternal grandfather, the Russian, who ran a junk yard on the wrong side of town.

Last night I was out with the guys. Timothy, who lives in the San Francisco Bay area, was in town and a few of us got together for dinner. I rarely spend time with men, much less only men, so it was refreshing. We all know each other from the yoga world. Josh and Jolyon were also there. We went to an organic vegetarian place in Cambridge that was really excellent. A juice and smoothie kind of place. Mark continues to work on framing his photographs for his show that opens Saturday, so he did not go along. The conversation was everything yoga -- randy monks, gurus, swamis, ashrams, mantras, yantras, chants, initiations and the inevitable gossip, even among yogis. It was really fun.

An interesting opportunity has presented itself. (I never heard back from the mind body clinic which provides hypnosis, biofeedback, CBT, DBT, etc.) An email went out yesterday about a year-long hypnosis training at the hospital where I work. If I really want to train in some technique, here is my chance. In mid-October there is a 3-day intensive course, followed by a weekly seminar. I will check with my managers to see if I can attend the weekly meeting as it is during my clinic time. Mark and my sister think that I should just stay put -- especially given the uncertainty about health insurance through Mark's employer. So I'll be exploring that this week.

Last night Josh asked if I have done a retreat yet -- we've been talking about this for years. A few days ago I signed up for the "sandwich" retreat at the meditation center. It is an interesting model. You sit all day Saturday and Sunday, then Monday through Friday you sit in the evenings from 6:30 til 9, then again all day the following Saturday and Sunday. Even that sounds daunting. But I have committed to doing it. It starts the last weekend of this month.

Pink Asters

Trish, 9/23/11

I drove out West Friday evening after spending the day in the studio with Team Tolstoy. We have completed 645 collages. Only 104 to go! The complete set will  be 749. It is very strange to know that we will be finishing up in a few months. This project has been such an important part of my life for the last almost-2 years.

On Friday several of us will be taking a road trip to NYC to meet the staff of The New School so we can plan our show scheduled to open in February. I am also in touch frequently with the Yasnaya Polyana people. That show will open in June.

Mark stayed in the city this weekend, preparing for his show which opens Saturday in East Boston. It's been a little lonely out here on the hill, although I spent last night with Marian and some time with Trish this morning. It has been very rainy and a little cold. Sasha is pretty much laid up and shouldn't do much running around, so I haven't been in the woods, either. Yesterday I went for a long walk on the dirt road. I let her run around today as I did walking meditation, but she is limping again which I feel guilty about. How can you prohibit a dog from running? Yesterday she was so bored that she started to run circles, madly, in the house.I'll take her to see the vet again the week after next. She had said that if she's not markedly better that she will make a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. I really don't think I'll take that path. A knee replacement for a dog? Even Sasha?!

Since the weather is so dismal, I have moved back into the studio. Yesterday I spent a lot of time and made another sculptural standing piece out of found wood, rusty metal and encaustic. Today I picked up an encaustic painting that I started months ago. It feels good to be back in the studio.

The garden is still producing quite well. Today I picked beets, parsley, carrots, kale, tomatoes, cucumbers and squash. There is a large stand of pink asters which I have cut and will put on the meditation bench.

Wednesday I have an appointment at the Dana Farber. It is the 3-month visit so I'll see the nurse practicioner. I'll have a physical exam, blood work and an injection. Even though I downplay my health problem, the Lupron is labeled as "chemotherapy". I am feel excellent and have no complaints, and yet... it does make me a little anxious.