A Cool Breeze in Summer

A Cool Breeze in Summer by CIMC Guiding Teacher Narayan Helen Liebenson “Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,  A cool breeze in summer, snow in winter. If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, This is the best season of your life.” This teaching, offered by Wu-men, an ancient Chinese Chan master, is both invitational and provocative. The first two lines describe the natural world of the seasons, evoking aspects of beauty and serenity. You may sense a kind of tenderness in your heart when you read these words. You may be called to remember moments in your life when you were touched by aspects of nature – looking up at the sky at a sunset and down on the ground at a blade of grass, feeling your body touched by a warm or cool breeze, and delighting in the first appearance of snow in winter. And there may also be a sense of poignancy along with this tenderness and delight. As we well know, in this current time on our planet, there is great upheaval causing great suffering in the face of extreme weather patterns. And yet, and yet. These wondrous aspects of life continue to exist. The flowers, the moon, the breezes and the snow exist now, and we find ourselves grateful. The third line, “If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things”, is surely an invitation to explore and investigate. It is a beckoning, an instruction. It is also a statement of trust and faith. It offers a path of investigation: look at your mind. Find out for yourself what is necessary and what is not. What is clouding natural innate wisdom and compassion? How is the mind conditioned by past experiences and how might those clouds dissipate? What are the particular habits and patterns that have had you in their grip from time immemorial that may now be released into the clear blue sky? The last line is provocative: “If the mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life.” What does this mean in these times that are so dire on so many levels? What could it possibly mean? It means a life of meaning, a life lived now, a surrender to life being lived through us rather than controlled, managed, and manipulated. It means a life of connection, availability, and engagement. When we understand that we are sharing this life with one another and can’t carry the weight of the world alone, when we live with hearts of peace, we see we can be joyful in the midst of sorrow, balanced in the midst of tumult. We glimpse the possibilities of living amid things as they are, without being overcome with despair and hopelessness. What does life want of you rather than what do you want to get out of life? Asking this question with sincerity and honesty, attending to the clouds without judging and identifying, makes this the best season of our lives. There is another translation of this same passage which goes like this. I will end with it as a blessing: “The flowers say it, the moon, the breeze, the snow. Each time we pause to notice the living world around us, it blesses us and says: May your mind be unclouded and may every season be the best season of your life.” 

Clear scans!

I had scans on Monday - all clear! That's not exactly accurate technically. Everything is stable - no new problems. This is a win! The chemo is definitely working. I've been on it now for 18 months. I have had one dose reduction because of the painful cracking of the skin on my feet. It can get so bad that it's hard to walk barefoot around the house. The Vixen was concerned about a deep crack on my left heel so this cycle I will take off 2 weeks (rather than 1 week) before starting the medicaiton again. But overall I'm doing great. Glenn drove up from Connecticut to go with me. It's a very long and boring day at the hospital. We got here around 8am and were done around 4pm. I left my job at Cambridge Health Alliance last month after working there for 23 years. I turned 60 on May 28. Lots of transitions. I'm providing telehealth only. Loving my work although the isolation is getting to me. Hoping to start doing some in-person visits soon. Today I'm starting lessons with a new teacher, Gordon Titcomb. My friend Alan studies mandolin with him. Alan asked if he'd work with me and to my great delight (and terror) he said yes! He's a multi-instrumentalist and his bio is crazy intimidating. He tours with the likes of Arlo Guthrie and Paul Simon. I'm beyond nervous. All good!

Urea cream

Just a quick note today. It's a transition time. I saw my last patient at the hospital last Tuesday. My last official day is June 2. I have a few weeks to tie up loose ends. It's hard to believe it's been 22+ years at that job. This is my first week of exclusive private practice - and already I question why I didn't do this long ago. I've been [over]working the last few months to get my private practice built up so when my weekly checks end, I will feel comforable. I will leave with a significant lifetime pensino, and lifetime health insurance (I pay half). But it's a great enefit. And I turn 60 on Friday! We're planning a party! So exciting after all those months of quarantine. I seem to be doing fine on oral chemo. It can be brutal on hands and feet. Last week I had a few very painful cracks on my right foot. It was painful to walk. I remembered that the NP told me about a few remedies incluidng urea cream. I used it and felt immediate relief. I also bought diabetic socks. OK this is not a sexy look. But wow how comfortable! So now I'm using the cream daily and the cracks are healing so well. The ohter thing she suggested was hydrocolloid dressing. A kind of bandage. Again, what a discovery. I used the bandage on the cracks and lubed up my feet - by the next morning my feet felt almost normal.

I Said Yes!

Glenn and I have been together for over 7 years now. We had our "anniversary" on March 28. The day we also brought Acadia home one year ago. We decided to get married and chose this gorgeous yellow diamond together. But the surprise was how he did it. We ordered it from a jeweler that we like in Maine where we vacation every fall. It arrived in the mail - and I had the self-control not to snoop. We decided to go to a fancy dinner on March 28. He said he would do it in front of the entire restaurant - clang on a glass so everyone could wafch and get on his knee - in public. That doesn't sound like him! But I went along with the foil. A few hours before the fancy dress-up outing, we were hiking with the dogs. At the top of our favorite field with a panoramic view, he got on his knee and asked me to fulfill out destiny. Our destiny back to 1982 when he initially asked me to marry him. All very romantic. I saw the oncology NP a few weeks ago and all is going well. She gave me some coaching about taking care of my hands and feet. She said that the medication causes inflammation of the soles of feet and palms of hand. The cracking on my feet is still considered "mild" but it can get so bad that each step hurts. She said to order diabetic socks - to sleep with my feet greased up at night. There are also some topicals I can use - prescription strength. The real challenge will be keeping socks and shoes on this summer. I am a barefoot girl. Next scans in July. In August I will have outrun this cancer for 13 years. Thank you Vixen, thank you god.

New Bedford Museum of Art

Guess who attended the closing reeption at New Bedford Museum of Art?! I'm in an encaustics group called New England Wax for a few years now. I got juried into a show at NBMA. I told her about the show and she said she'd like to attend as she lives in New Bedford. And she turned up with one of her daughters! It's the first time we've ever met outside a clinic/hospital setting. We went out to coffee afterwards. So nice! Love this pic of us. With Acadia who is now 14 months old. I've given my notice at the hospital job and my last day will be June 2. It's hard to say goodbye to so many people in a short period of time. I've known some of the patients for the 22 years I've been working there. But I'll need this time to wrap things up. In the meantime I've found a part-time office in Connecticut. And am applying for 1-2 insurance panels. Building a new life!

And now Glenn is vaccinated too!

This image is oil paint and encaustic blending medium on rice paper. I'm taking an online class - 5 drop-in classes on Friday mornings. I rarely take classes (although I've reently started taking guitar classes again). It's great to learn new techniques. Yesterday Glenn got his second Covid vaccine. Moderna. He had a good night but is exhausted and achy today. Hopefully it's a 24 hour reaction as he really wants to hike this afternoon. I "saw" The Vix 2 weeks ago. It's working better since she cut back on my chemo and the bad crack on my heel is pretty much resolved. I'll check in with her this week and if side effects seem OK, then I'll continue on my merry way. 21 day cycles. 14 days of Capecetabine twice a day followed by 7 days off. BIG NEWS. I am going to resign from my hospital job. After 22 years I've had enough. It's been really hard since the pandemic. Remote does not suit our hospital population. Ideally it would be video but many/most don't have the money for better computers or the ability to install what they need to do video. It's been super frustrating. And I really can't stand my team leader. It feels like most of my attention goes to the eletronic medical record. Endless charting requirements. I'd say across the board the psychiatry staff is burned out and frustrated. I have a booming private practice so plan to build that. I'll drop to 20 hours in April and resign June 1. It's kind of surreal. After 22 years. It's been an anchor. But lately it's drowning me. I'm walking away from being able to build my pension. But amazingly I'll leave with lifelong health insurance and a decent pension. I'll make a lot more money working for myself, renting my condo and collecing the pension. So there! Will announce to my working group tomorrow. Make it more real.

Vaccinated!

I got my second Covid vaccine 2 weeks ago through my hospital job. It was a brutal night! Chills, nausea, body ache, headache. My body felt pinned to the bed. Sweating, but felt so cold. It really scared me. But I was too exhausted to do anything like put on an extra shirt. I felt I was dying. Or had already died. So bizarre. My chest felt so heavy. I was breathing fine but it felt like a crushing weight. The weirdest part is I didn't even care. I felt so bad that I didn't care if I survived the night. The next day I was exhausted. I slept through a couple of my private practice appointments. Could not get out of bed. But the following day - all fine again. Now that a full 2 weeks have passed, I am good! Fully protected. So grateful. Every morning I hike an hour with the dogs. Took this photo yesterday. I love February light.

70 Pills

I finally spoke with The Vixen this morning regarding last weeks's scans. No bad news... other than she took a look at my feet (on zoom!) and was concerned about a massive blister on my left outer foot. (It was kind of funny getting the camera in position to show that angle - I said, how do people manage to have online "sex"? She said, "where there's a will there's a way". Anyway... she has decided to drop my daily dose of 6 pills to 5 pills. I'm OK with that. The last few days I had a lot of burning on the bottoms of my feet. It didn't stop me from hiking, but it did wake me up at night sometimes and caused quite a bit of discomfort. The part I didn't like: last year Glenn asked her about the treatment plan. How long I'd do the oral chemo. We understood it would be 3-4 years, then I'd move into remission and I'd be free of treatment. WRONG! It's amazing how many times I've misinterpreted what she says. (Always bring someone with you to important consults!) So she clarified that this is my forever treatment. She says that her longest living patient with metastatic breast cancer is still going 20 years later. That gave me some hope. But it sucks that I'll be on this "forever". She said that something else kills me first. So I'm feeling kind of defeated and disappointed. Life in the cancer lane.

Good scans!

I had scans last Wednesday and all good! It was a marathon 24 hours. I drove up by myself Tuesday night. No one is allowed in other than the patient, so it didn't make sense that Glenn go along. We have a tenant so there would be no place for him to be - with 2 dogs! So I went solo. I woke about 4am because I get so anxious before scans. Too early for Starbucks! I met up with Cheryl for a coffee on a park bench, then was at the hospital by 7:45 to start the day. The usual CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis. And a bone scan. And at the end, an infusion of a chemo drug, Zumeta that I take every 3 months. I had planned to see The Vixen, but was told she had a Covid exposure so would "see" me remote. Because things ran so late, I didn't have a consult w her but got a call from her Fellow as I was driving back to Connecticut. The Fellow told me that The Vix's husband has Covid. So I won't do a consult w her until Thursday. Upshot is that the bone scan looked stable, no new problems. And the CT scan showed a bit of improvement. I've been doing oral chemo for almost a year now. It kind of sucks. At this point the bottoms of my feet are pretty uncomfortable most of the time. Nails falling out. I wake up at night because of burning sensations on the soles of my feet. My hands aren't too bad but the cuticles crack, the skin peels and cracks. So far I can continue to play guitar and cook. It can get REALLY bad. So far so (kind of) good. Other health news: I got my initial Covid vaccine December 30 through my job. Will get the booster shot next week. In the meantime, Trump is destroying our country. What a shambles Biden and Harris will inherit. I really need to take a media break. I'm darkly obsessed with him. How did we get here? Who are these "patriots"? It's an America I no longer recognize. So dark, so ugly. I pray tomorrow goes smoothly for the Inauguratin.