"Salt and Burn"

Photo By Mark Natale - Moscow

Mark took this quirky photo at the Moscow Starbucks on Pakrovka Street. It was cool to travel with photographers -- they saw things in a much different -- and more interesting -- way. So this shot is hardly "Russian" but it is a nice memory of our leisurely mornings together.

We got back LATE last night. Mark flew home separately via Atlanta and got home earlier than Trish and I.  We connected through NYC. We got to the house around midnight. It was well over 24 hours without sleep. Brutal! And yet as we walked, dazed and confused through the airports, we were discussing our next trip! The Tolstoy Museum has made a commitment to our show next summer! So it was a successful and wonderful trip!

We are driving out West later this morning and will be there through the long weekend. I can't wait to pick up Sasha!

Last Day in Moscow

Today will be our last day in Moscow -- unless our flights are impacted by Hurricane Irene! We have checked with Delta but as of now, our flights are "on time". However, we are in touch with friends and family and it sounds like this has been a very strong and dangerous storm. We are wondering if we might be spending a few more days here?! Which would be fine with us. We are having a fantastic time. Yesterday we went to the Tolstoy House, his winter/city house. One of the artifacts was his bicycle! He learned to bike when he was 67 years old. He also became a vegetarian in his later years. There was a bearskin on the floor and we learned that he was almost killed by that bear. It was very intimate to be in that house which was surrounded by a beautiful garden.

Then we went to an outdoor marked called Izmaylovo where we found amber jewelry, Soviet kitsch and woolen shawls. The subways are absolutely dazzling. They are very deep. We read that Stalin destroyed 400 churches in Moscow alone, and used all of the decorative elements in the subway stations. We are getting very competent at finding our way around. There are some English speakers but we have yet to meet any other Americans other than Elena's boyfriend who we had dinner with a few days ago.

We started the morning with a trip to Starbucks. A taste of home!

We plan to do a walking tour today. Our hotel is well located so we can walk to Red Square and the Kremlin, and will go from there.

A Morning of Contrasts

I might have mentioned this already, but there are several Starbucks outlets in Moscow! We paid about $who 15 for 3 coffees -- it seems to be true that Moscow is the most expensive city in the world, even more so than Tokyo. We sat on a very pleasant deck on the second floor and met 2 young hipsters from St. Petersberg were in town on business. They work in literary textbook publishing. They gave us their unused metro passes. I handed her my Burt's Bees lip balm. I hope she wasn't offended but she seemed glad to take it.

On the walk back to the hotel, we noticed an interesting church donation box on the street. Further exploration led to entering the building, and watching an Orthodox service. The congregants were taking communion. Trish and I donned headscarves that are there for those of us who forgot to bring one along. It was quite moving. It was a very simple church, a local place, not at all famous. There was a choir. Everyone stood. The women all wore skirts. We were wearing pants. Another cultural blunder! There was a lot of conversation going on during the service. The walls were lined with icons. I bought a cord for the silver cross that I bought at Yasnaya Polyana, the family church of the Tolstoys.

We plan to go to an open air market today and perhaps the Tolstoy House in the south part of the city.

Last night we ate Georgian food again. We met up with Elena, the YP international director and her American boyfriend. Mark had the idea to buy her a small bouquet of roses which she really liked. It seems like we have made a few lifelong friends here.

This has been a magical trip in so many ways. I often get a little anxious when I travel abroad, a sense of complete disconnection. There were a few moments of that when we first arrived, but really I have felt almost completely "present" and "in flow" here. It has been just fantastic.

In Moscow

Trish, Christiane, Mark and I are now in Moscow! We left Yasnaya Polyana this morning at 10am and drove to Tula with Elena, the international coordinator at YP. We toured one of the three possible venues for our show next summer. We said goodbye to Elena in Tula, and she sent us along to Moscow with a driver. We went to a Georgian restaurant for dinner, then walked around Red Square and the Kremlin this evening.

I was in Moscow 30 years ago and to say that it has changed is an understatement. We walked by Lenin's tomb which used to be the center of everything which is now upstaged by restaurants, exclusive shops and hawkers. Mark bought a coffee mug with "CCCP" written on it! That kind of thing was not available during Soviet days.

We finally have internet access so I will be writing more.
Christiane called the airline to check the status of her flight on Sunday (concerns about Hurricane Irene) and was shocked to learn that her flight is actually tomorrow. So she will take an early taxi to the airport, and the 3 of us will be on our own! Christiane has been our interpreter as she speaks Russian well, so now I can really test my language skills!

At Yasnaya Polyana!

This will be very brief! We are here at Yasnaya Polyana and it is beyond our wildest expectations! Yesterday we gave our first workshop -- in front of 3 television cameras and a print journalist! We will give a second workshop today.

Internet access of spotty at best so I will report in as I can, but for now -- this is definitely a peak experience. Mark said last night, how are we going to top this?

Off to Yasnaya Polyana!

Trish, Mark and I are headed for the airport! I will try to blog from Russia. Stay tuned! We are beyond excited about this trip. Here is an image from The War and Peace Project that was posted today on our blog. Seems fitting!! We will also be posting photos and our adventures on The War and Peace Facebook page.

1,000 posts

I just noticed that this is post # 1,000. I will blame this madness on Lucy! After all, she set this blog up and encouraged me to write about the cancer situation as it devolved, as a way to keep people informed, and avoid repeating information to friends and family. And as a way to process what was happening. So it's perfect that we are here together. Here are some of her prize-winning dilly beans. Although we missed the deadline to enter the fair, these would have been a winner!

We had another bike ride along the river this morning which was beautiful.

Later I will drop off Sasha at her "summer camp" (that's what Mark calls it). It will be really hard to be away from her! It seems to be a great place, but even so, I will miss her terribly.

We just got an email from Lena, the international coordinator at Yasnaya Polyana, suggesting that in addition to riding horses and touring around, we can also take Russian classes. How cool is that? This trip is simply off the charts. Wow. We fly out tomorrow.

Dilly Beans

photo collage by Lucy

I arrived rather late last night at Lucy and Rick's. She had Portuguese kale soup warm on the stove. What a nice welcome!

We've been having a lot of fun (as usual). We went bike riding along the Deerfield River and saw fields of corn, sunflowers and hay. She made this little photo collage from our excursion. We did some artwork in her garden shed/studio. Some gardening, some walking, some napping. It has been a wonderful day! Lucy is also an amazing cook. She decided to can old-fashioned dilly beans this afternoon that she is going to enter in a local fair tomorrow. She hopes to win a blue ribbon. It's been an idyllic, pastoral kind of day.

To Lucy's

Lake Agnes by Paula Keating

Here is yet another fabulous photograph from Paula. I think it's time she quit her day job and started photography for real!

I am on vacation until September 6! What freedom. Almost 3 full weeks. I am on my way to Lucy's house out West to stay a few nights. My house is occupied by Mark's ex and their son this week. That's a bummer, of course, but also a great reason to spend a few days with Lucy. I haven't stayed at her house in many years so it will be a real treat to have 2 full days together. She got her mountain bike tuned up so we plan to do some biking. And gardening. And art-making. And cooking. All the fun things that we do together.

Friday I'll drop Sasha off at the dog "resort" where she will spend 10 day while we are in Russia. And pick up Trish who will stay with us Friday night in the city. The 3 of us (Mark, Trish and I) will fly to NYC Saturday where we meet up with Christiane, and on to Moscow!

Mom's Birthday

Lake Agnes by Paula Keating

Today is my mother's birthday. She died in 1981. She was 43. It is hard to believe that it's been 30 years. Sometimes I find myself calculating how old she would be had she lived. And wondering how things would have turned out for all of us had she not died in that car accident. It was a highly ambivalent relationship and yet I still miss her. I am still haunted by her to a certain extent. Her death left so many questions unanswered. There is a well-known quote -- can't remember who said it -- that we learn to live with our questions.

Sometimes I do lose track of how satisfying my work can be. Today I met with a man I've been seeing on and off for about 10 years. He told me for the first time that had it not been for me and his first psychiatrist, that he would have killed himself long ago. He has always felt that he could share those most shameful and difficult parts of himself with us. That really moved me deeply. He has been avoiding a legal situation for decades now, but over the last few visits he has decided on his own to take it head-on. I don't know what has caused the shift. He asked for some problem-solving help about how to move forward and after a few phone calls, it is clear what his next step needs to be. He will move on it when he is really ready. That was a very meaningful session for both of us. 

Monet's Canoes

"Monet's Canoes" by Paula Keating

Here is another wonderful photograph from Paula. She took this in Canada a few weeks ago.

I really don't have much to say today. It was pouring rain all day so I got pretty soaked while biking to work. It was my turn to provide lunch for the mental health group; it is impressive how much weight and volume you can carry in bike panniers!

We are getting focused on preparing for our trip. It is hard to prepare for because I have never done anything like this before. We will be meeting with the director of the Tolstoy Museum and planning our show for June 2012. We will also be teaching a few workshops in collaborative collage-making. I am not a teacher! I am not even trained as an artist. Yikes! Lucy is preparing the Powerpoint presentation which will be translated into Russian. (We will have an interpreter during the workshops. I'm not THAT crazy to attempt to teach in Russian.) I have never negotiated with a museum before over money, presentation, transportation, etc. I have never had an international show. I am not exactly intimidated, but definitely flying by the seat of my pants. Fortunately Trish, Christiane and Mark are all totally smart, competent people with their own strengths, so we will be able to pull it off. It is exciting, of course, to step so far out into the unknown. I am sure to make many blunders with the Tolstoy staff and will most likely disappoint the Team Tolstoy by failing to ask the right questions, or enough of the right questions. So this is quite the undertaking. But isn't that life? I've often wondered -- why are we not given an instruction manual?

To Russia With Love

Here is a little story that ran in today's Boston Globe: Laura "Lola" Baltzell and three fellow artists will travel to Russia on Saturday to visit the Tolstoy Estate Museum, the venue of their upcoming exhibition.

Their collage collaboration, “The War and Peace Project," will be exhibited from June through September 2012. The project is composed of 750 7-by-5-inch collages incorporating the Russian text from Baltzell’s 1970s edition of Leo Tolstoy’s “War and Peace", fashioned from hand-me-down books, maps, pamphlets, letters, thread, dried flowers, wax, ink, and acrylic paint.

Baltzell will be joined on the "Traveling Tolstoy Team" by her husband, Mark Natale of Brookline, and Trish Crapo of Leyden, Mass. Other core members of Team Tolstoy include Lucy Arrington of Cambridge; Adrienne Wetmore of Boston; and Emma Rhodes and Lynn Waskelis, both of Jamaica Plain, as well as a German artist, Otto Mayr.

The group works around a table at Baltzell’s East Boston studio, pulling from the same scrap box. A new collage is posted each day on the team’s blog, along with reflections on the piece, the process, and the book.

“Working on this project since December 2009, initially alone and then with my beloved team, has been one of the best things in my life,’’ said Baltzell, who majored in Russian studies at Grinnell College 30 years ago. “Combining my lifelong interest in art, language, culture, literature, and most importantly friendship, has really brought it all together."

Lucy's Garden Shed

Lucy just build the most wonderful little garden shed. I want one just like it! It looks more like an artist studio, right? There will be a stampede of guests, asking to stay there all summer! It reminds me of Thoreau's house on Walden Pond. So simple, so tiny, so delightful.

I will see Lucy and her husband Rick today. We will have a tour of the Emily Dickinson House in Amherst with our friend Masako who is a Japanese scholar. Lucy met her at a used book store last winter as Lucy was looking for a book of Dickinson poetry to use for our workshop the next day. Lucy invited her to attend our workshop. She told us that she would be out West this summer, so here we are. I have never been to the House, so it will be a real treat to go with a scholar! Masako also wrote a book about Emily Dickinson which I will bring along and ask her to sign.

Tonight Karma and Jeff are having a party which we will all attend.

Our Visas Arrived!

Harvard Square, 7/29/11, photo by Chitra

We are going to Russia after all! We got an email late yesterday, informing us that our visas are complete. Trish just let me know that they were delivered to her house this morning. Now it feels more real. I was worried, actually, as we leave a week from tomorrow. I have been studying Russian language, a little bit every day, for the last few months. And yet my language skills have a long way to go. It is a very challenging language.

Last night I did a group bike ride. One of the local bike shops has regular rides -- you just show up and choose which group to ride with. There were 2 groups, A and B/C. I went with the B/C group which consisted of 2 older, overweight men. One was 71 and the other 67. I thought -- they will be too slow! And boy was I wrong. We did 27 miles on HUGE hills. They were both really strong! One of them did a lot of coaching which was helpful. It was really, really fun and challenging, too. They ride year-long so I hope to join them on a more regular basis.

It has been lovely here the last few days. I used to dread being alone. These days I really like it. That's an interesting shift. Yesterday I woke up with the very strong sense that this is where I want to live. I love it here. We will finish the War and Peace Project before the end of the year. I need to be in town on Fridays to work with the team, but maybe after that? I am applying to get trained as a hospice volunteer. Working with the dying is something I want to explore. The VNA offers a 7 week training which will start in September. If they accept me, I will do it. And see where that leads.

The gardens are producing like crazy -- blueberries, beans, greens, raspberries. I'm taking long walks in the woods with Sasha. This morning Trish came over with her big dog Riley for a long walk. Mark will arrive later this evening. I am happy here.

"Teach Us to Care and Not to Care"

60th wedding anniversary 7/30/11

I drove out West late last night. I got a very late start as my sister was in the city for the day, and we had dinner together. I can't remember the last time we got together, just the two of us. Of course I delight in the Angels, but it is also wonderful to be together, just the two of us. We both really like Indian food so went to have masala dosas at a place we like.

Tuesday was the last meditation class of a 5-week series that was taught by Narayan and Michael. I sometimes bring her a small gift, usually food. I gave her some homegrown blueberries that she swooned over. I love giving her things; what she has given me for the last 3 years is invaluable. In fact I met her exactly 3 years ago this month. It was the last Tuesday class she taught in August 2008, so it might be 3 years to the day. That was an encounter I will never forget.

There is the adage, "when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive". If I ever write a book about my spiritual journey -- I'm thinking about that more and more -- that will be the first chapter, my first encounter with her.

During question and answer, someone asked about the role of feelings in dharma practice. There is paradox as the practice teaches caring more (compassion/metta) and letting go (wisdom). Narayan quoted a line from TS Eliot's poem "Ash-Wednesday":

"teach us to care and not to care"

These are the two wing of dharma practice -- to learn to care deeply for ourselves, others and this world -- and yet to find freedom from entanglement in our thoughts, feelings and conditions. What a profound and beautiful teaching in 8 words.

Paul Says...

"One of Many Glaciers" by Paula Keating

Today was the first day back at work since a week ago Wednesday. I had clinical supervision early this morning with Paul. We are now into our second year of supervision but have been working together for longer than that. I like him very much. He is very smart and helpful in thinking about my work. Sometimes there is also a fine line between "supervision" and "therapy" because you end up sharing a lot as this kind of work touches on one in a very personal way as well. He knows my "story" and I feel that I can talk about anything with him. Even if it doesn't sound "good" or "right".

We have been talking for many months now about my ambivalence about work. Today at the end of the hour he turned and said, "I really don't know why you continue to work. You have so much energy, and have so many other interests. This job drains you. Why do you stay?" He said that personally he'd like me to stay but that has more to do with our friendship.

He said something else that really got my attention. He is a PhD and very accomplished with a Harvard Medical School appointment and all that. He said that as he looks back over the course of his career, that he has significantly helped one third of his patients. Another third he helped a little. The other third he didn't help at all. That was so honest. I have always wanted to "help", to make the world a little better. But as I look at what I do every day, does it really make a difference? Would time be better spent growing organic carrots? Or making more encaustic paintings? Does any of it matter at all?

Wow. Inevitably after I take time off (kind of a misnomer since I work so little these days) these questions arise.

And at the end of the work day, I in fact feel quite depleted. Huh.

A Day of Rest!

 Here are 2 more photos from yesterday that I like a lot. They capture the excitement I felt just prior to the ride. I slept almost 12 hours last night. No exaggeration, I was in bed at 7:30pm. Lights out. Sleeping! It wasn't even dark yet. I'm still feeling low energy today but that's to be expected. It is raining today, and the day 2 riders are getting soaked! I wonder how they are able to do a second day?

Here are a few observations about the ride. In inadvertently got in the front of the pack at the start. As I approached the start area, someone was singing the Star Spangled Banner and everyone had their hands over their heart. Next thing some was counting down 10, 9, 8... and we were off! I thought I'd get crushed in the crowd but it was totally fine. Not at all scary. Someone said that the really fast riders began before the official start in order to avoid the pack. Maybe that's why it wasn't so crowded. The guy I met last Sunday on the Cape Code bike trail said that we'd be riding in tandem, very close together. That had me a little worried but that didn't happen, either, Maybe because I was with the slower riders. At no time did I feel intimidated or scared by what was going on around me. Everyone was very respectful and encouraging.

I heard some amazing stories. I rode for a while with a young guy from Denver who had one arm. He had a boating accident at age 17. He rode with a steel arm prosthetic. His dad died from cancer last September, so that's why he was riding. I saw another guy with one leg. I didn't get to talk to him. He was cranking! So amazing. Another young woman from San Francisco had photos of both parents on the back of her shirt that said "in loving memory of mom and dad". All along the way there were people cheering. In some areas people had put up signs with the photos of cancer victims. One young kid was holding a sign that said, "I am 6 now because of you riders." That really got me.

The guy I met last Sunday had said that during the PMC, you see the best of humanity. That was really true. It was grueling, yes. At various times I was in pain and wondered what in the world I was doing. Get me off this f---- bike! But the overall feeling was one of inspiration and gratitude to be able to participate in such an amazing event.

I did it! All 84 miles

Mark took this photo, just before the 7am start. I am really beat and don't have the energy to write much. Other than to say it was grueling -- and fabulous! There were 5 rest stops, the first about mile 20, 40 and 60, and the last two were at mile 78 and the final stop at mile 84. I was on the bike for 7 hours and 22 minutes. The ride ended in Bourne, MA at the Marine Military Academy. Mark came down to retrieve which was great. Otherwise I would have waited hours for the bus back.

We just had a huge sushi dinner with lots of salty food and now all I can do is lie on the couch. I am too stiff to even practice yoga. I will definitely do this again next year and will consider doing the 2-day version!

Rock on!

Found on Floor

Found on floor

A friend of Team Tolstoy took this photo of us on Friday. He is a well-known professional photographer but specifically asked that we not give him photo credit. He asked to be known as "found on floor" which is a term that photographers used to use when a bit of film was found on the floor and editors did not know who took the shot.This will be used in the Boston Globe for a story about us in a few weeks.

Yesterday I spent with Marian and Bonnie. I hadn't seen Bonnie since 1989 and since she was my supervisor, we had a much more formal relationship back then. So it was very cool to be with her as an "adult" and friend. When I first met her, what struck me was her compassion. She was the most compassionate person I'd ever met. I was a mess back then, but she was able to meet me where I was and had a way of allowing me to feel competent, to learn and grow. She made a huge impression on me both professionally and personally, and to this day I still think about her as I work. Not surprisingly, we have a lot in common. We will definitely be seeing more of each other.

I will be driving back to Boston today. Hopefully Lucy and I can find a time to meet as she is also out West and will be all month. On the way back I'll stop at Babson College in Wellesley to do the final registration for the ride tomorrow. Registration starts at 3pm. I am feeling great. Well-rested and strong. I've been eating a lot these last few days and Mark promises a big meal tonight. The ride starts at 7am but we start lining up about 6:15. So exciting! Let's go!

Reflections by Paula Keating

A few days ago I received the August newsletter from the meditation center and it included the following teaching from Narayan:

"Asking an investigative question is a great way to keep the practice alive and continuous. Simply asking the question and then listening is enough; let all answers arise and pass away.

One meditative question is: Is there any other moment than this one? Of course, the first answer that often comes to mind is that there had better be. Let this answer pass away. With deep listening and patience, we may see that there can't be - that thoughts about the past are thoughts and not the past itself and that thoughts about the future are imaginative. In this way we see that there is no better or worse moment than this one.

This understanding invites an embrace here and now of life as it is, and encourages us to respond to the conditions we are facing with greater wisdom and compassion."

Today my old friend Bonnie is driving up from New York. We met in 1988 when she was my first supervisor in graduate school. Last year we were in touch, and she suggested that I contact Marian who lives out West. Marian and I hit it off right away and have been friends since January of this year. She and Marian have been friends for close to 40 years. I haven't actually seen Bonnie since 1989 so I am very excited about this reunion!



I'm feeling grateful today. The gifts of time and health. Friendship. Nature. I feel so blessed.

I'm Ready

Lake Louise by Paula Keating

Mark got here late last night.  He drove back to the city this afternoon. We had a "date" today which included a trip to Brattleboro, Vermont. We went to a bike shop. The recommendation was to get a different pair of shoes that you can use with either flat pedals or the "clipless" pedals (the term is confusing because "clipless" are the locked-in kind). The pair of bike shoes were so tight that my toes cramped up around mile 40+ and after the rides I felt a burning sensation. Not good! The bike shop tech said that it's pretty common for that to happen bI'ecause your feet swell with high mileage, but in any case the shoes were not fit well.

So today I did my last ride before the event. I did 40 miles which felt excellent. I felt very strong. The new bike shoes are so much better, and my confidence has returned. I was really bummed out yesterday after trying those clipless pedals and falling multiple times. I felt quite defeated.

I'll be out West another couple of days, returning to the city on Friday. I have to be physically present to register for the ride in Wellesley on Friday afternoon. Mark has promised to make a huge dinner Friday night. My fund raising has been very strong. At last count, I'm at $5560 and still have some large checks to mail in. Other than yesterday's setback, it has been a fantastic experience, both the training and fund raising.

Clipless Pedals -- NOT!

photo by Paula Keating

Today's photo is provided by my good friend Paula. She took this one of canola fields near Calgary, Canada. It is not "photoshopped" -- but just a straight image.

I am quite bruised, disappointed and frustrated. I went to the bike shop to have the clipless pedals installed this afternoon. The bike shop tech suggested that I find a sturdy tree and a grassy area to practice getting in and out of the pedals. I fell -- hard -- 4 times. Thank goodness he told me to try on grass first because I thought that a parking lot would be fine. My left knee has a scrape and bruise the size of my palm. It is hot and an ugly purple but does not hurt -- at least not yet. So with great humiliation and disappointment, I went back to the bike shop and had him switch back to the flat pedals.

I am definitely not ready for this next step. I felt totally out of control. It would be dangerous to myself and anyone riding next to me if I took a spill. So for now, I give up and will not attempt to use those pedals for this event. The training has been going so swimmingly until now. It feels like a setback.

Sasha's leg is still limping around and may be even a little worse. Mark is driving out tonight so he can weigh in on what to do about that.

After the bicycle debacle, I went to Trish's where we worked on mailing out press releases for our upcoming Russia trip. Our trip is 18 days away and we have no news of our visas. It may be a nail biter, whether they arrive on time!

Sasha's "Interview"

Aunt Marty

Here is our beloved aunt Marty at lunch on Saturday. She is 82 years old and had just gotten off the tennis court. I know that it was important to her that I showed up for her anniversary party, that we all showed up. I am glad that I went. It really was a big love fest and it felt really good to be part of a large extended family.

I spent last evening with the Angels on the Cape. I got there just in time for an early supper, then we all went to the beach for walking, swimming and sand castle building -- and lying down exhausted which was my activity of choice. Their friends Matt and Kathy were also visiting for the day. It was one of those perfect Cape Cod summer evenings. The Angels are having a good summer. Luke spent a week at a science camp which is perfect for his inquisitive little mind. They were rather fascinated by my biking gear and we took lots of funny pictures of them wearing the goggles, gloves and such. What I love about kids is that anything and everything is entertaining and interesting. That is the ideal I strive for!


I'll spend the rest of the week out West with Sasha. She started limping yesterday and can't put any weight on her back right leg. This happened before so I'm not too worried, but I hope she's not in pain. She seems comfortable enough, but it's still concerning. Today at 4 she has an "interview" at a dog farm. I need to find a place for her to stay the 10 days we are in Russia.

I feel ready to put on the toe clips. That will be the next step in the biking adventure. I called the bike shop and they can install them today. This is pretty scary - I am terrified of falling. The pedals I bought have one smooth side and the other side for clips.  I feel basically OK today, although I got quite a bit of leg cramping in the night. I'll be ready to ride again tomorrow. The event is just days away now!