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I never finished up on the article by Sally Kempton. The manomaya kosha, the mental body, is how we make meaning out of the world. Sally says that the most superficial layer comprises passing thoughts, images, perceptions and emotions that bubble up in your inner world. The deeper levels are the beliefs, opinions and assumptions that one absorbs from one's family and culture, as well as accumulated mental patterns. I'm really interested in the relationship between psychotherapy and spiritual practices. I've spent plenty of years in therapy and at this point I question the value of long-term treatment. In some ways I think that therapy just keeps you stuck in the same old stories. Over and over again, the old hurts and disappointments. How liberating to begin to notice your own thoughts -- and to see that your thoughts are the source of your suffering. Change your "samskaras" -- the deep thought grooves -- and you free yourself. I was tortured for years, the stories I'd keep telling myself about my family of origin, about my mother, whatever. I do think that psychotherapy is a tool, but it's limited and that the real transformation can take place through spiritual work. More on this another time.

Last night I went to see a chiropractor. My back has been bothering me for over 2 years, the low back. It started when Mark and I moved very heavy furniture when we bought the weekend place. It's never been the same since. I think that the radiation has messed up my alignment, on top of the damage I did a few years ago. I went to see Marysia's husband Bob. He said I've got a misalignment on the lumbar and acetabulum. I hope that 2 visits a week for 3 weeks will get me all straightened out. I felt much better yesterday and today. Mark is scared that it's cancer and wants to make sure I tell The Vixen tomorrow. I think it's just an alignment problem. I hope she doesn't insist on another series of MRIs.

My sister went with me to radiation today. She brought along Zoey, the 3 year old. Zoey rode her bike (with training wheels). She is quite a little tank, very strong. She got tired of peddling on the way home so we had to push her.

The last few days I've been more tired. My skin is tolerable but uncomfortable. Tomorrow I have the radiation, then meet with Jenn the radiation oncologist -- the weekly thing. At noon I'll see The Vixen.

It's very hot here and today I did an experiment. I walked around the neighborhood with a camisole top -- no prosthetic. Just like I always did. I wanted to see how it felt -- and whether anyone noticed my missing breast. I don't want to offend anyone, nor do I want to make any kind of statement. It felt kind of weird, exposing my "secret" that way. I hate the idea of wearing that prosthetic around, especially in the heat.

"Healing does not mean curing, although the two words are often used interchangeably, While it may not be possible for us to cure ourselves or to find someone who can, it is always possible for us to heal ourselves. Healing implies the possibility for us to relate differently to illness, disability, even death, as we learn to see with eyes of wholeness. Healing is coming to terms with things as they are."

–Jon Kabat-Zinn, from Letting Everything Become Your Teacher

I love this. I am healing myself. May all beings be healed.